If you have a fearful avoidant attachment style (also known as disorganized attachment), finding the right kind of therapy (and the right therapist) can be challenging. Chances are, you've already spent a lot of time trying to better understand your anxious side, as well as your avoidant side. You're a rapid emotional processor, you likely have significant insight into your past, and you may even consider yourself pretty darn good at "feeling your feelings." While all of that can be incredibly helpful, the reality is that there is a limit to how much healing we can do on our own. Fearful avoidant attachment develops in relationship, and healing often happens in relationship too. A corrective therapeutic relationship, especially one with a therapist who incorporates attachment-focused and somatic approaches, can offer certain things that insight alone cannot. More specifically, it can offer an experience of emotional attunement and a safe place to let your hypervigilant side rest and recover. While disorganized attachment patterns can feel overwhelming, they often make a lot of sense when viewed through the lens of early relational trauma and when they are met with curiosity and compassion. How Does a Fearful Avoidant Attachment Style Develop? You may have heard that fearful avoidant attachment is the result of trauma, whilst dismissive avoidant patterns manifest due to a lack of emotional attunement. This is true, to some extent, but many people assume trauma only refers to severe abuse or catastrophic events. While fearful avoidant attachment can certainly develop due to those circumstances, it can also emerge in environments where emotional needs were consistently dismissed, invalidated, criticized, or misunderstood. A child in that kind of space can often learn that connection is important and desirable, but not always safe. This can happen if we grow up experiencing unpredictable caregivers, chronic invalidation, frequent criticism, emotional neglect, parentification, or environments characterized by fear, conflict, or instability. Over time, the nervous system learns to stay on high alert in relationships, anticipating rejection, abandonment, criticism, or disappointment. What many adults describe as "overthinking" is a form of hypervigilance that developed to keep the individual safe. Why Insight Alone Doesn't Always Create Change Many individuals with a fearful avoidant attachment style already understand their patterns. They've watched all the TikToks, they've read the books, and they listen to podcasts. They know why they struggle with trust, why they pull away when relationships become vulnerable, or why they constantly scan and search for signs of rejection. Yet despite this insight, the heightened emotional reactions often remain and dominate their lives. This is because attachment wounds are not stored only as thoughts. They are often held within the nervous system and reflected in automatic emotional and physical responses. You may logically know that you are safe while your body continues to react as though you are not. Can EMDR Help Fearful Avoidant Attachment Attachment-focused EMDR helps identify, explore, and process the experiences that contributed to the development of these protective patterns. Rather than focusing only on present-day symptoms and distress, S.A.F.E. EMDR explores the earlier experiences that taught the nervous system to remain guarded and fearful of connection. After EMDR, many people begin to feel less reactive, and they develop more trust in themselves and others (whilst still maintaining healthy and firm boundaries). When combined with an attachment-focused and somatic approach, EMDR can help individuals process not only what happened to them, but also how those experiences continue to live in the body today as somatic states. A fearful avoidant attachment style is not a character flaw. It is an adaptation that should be appreciated instead of rejected outright. Healing is not about changing who you are or forcing yourself to become more trusting. It is about helping your mind and body harness the capacity to be with both the pain and joy of life without totally collapsing or numbing out. Chicago EMDR Therapy for Fearful Avoidant Attachment Virtual Sessions with Erika Koch-Weser, NATC, LCSW, a Chicago attachment-focused therapist, can be scheduled by emailing: hello@twolightstherapy.com or by visiting: https://www.twolightstherapy.com/contact Therapy for Dismissive Avoidant Attachment & Fearful Avoidant Attachment (Disorganized Attachment): https://www.twolightstherapy.com/therapy-for-avoidant-attachment Two Lights Therapy Center PLLC | Chicago, Illinois. Attachment Style Specialist and Psychotherapist Please Note: The information provided in these blog posts is for informational and educational purposes only. It is not intended to be a substitute for professional therapy or therapeutic services. While these blogs are written by licensed psychotherapists, readers should not use this content as a replacement for individualized advice or treatment. If you are experiencing a crisis or need immediate assistance, please call 911 or contact other emergency services in your area.

At Two Lights Therapy Center, we often find that narcissistic abuse survivors with “anxious preoccupied attachment” are unaware that there’s a secret third option when it comes to insecure attachment styles: fearful avoidant attachment (also called disorganized attachment). Overlooking disorganized attachment can leave patients with a lot of unanswered questions. Read on to learn more about fearful avoidant attachment wounds and how working with our Chicago EMDR therapist can help. Attachment Styles and Narcissistic Abuse If you've looked into attachment theory whilst trying to understand the grip the narcissistic person in your life has on you, you may identify with an anxious attachment style. You crave closeness, feel consumed by fears of abandonment, and can't stop ruminating about your partner and relationship. It sounds like a perfect fit. Right? But did you know there’s an attachment style that is both anxious and avoidant (hesitant/fearful)? For many traumatized people who’ve been in narcissistic relationships, anxious attachment is only part of a much more complex picture. What’s actually driving their patterns is something more complicated: fearful avoidant attachment. As a narcissistic abuse therapy practice in Chicago, this is one of the most common misidentifications we see in survivors seeking help, and it is very important to address. Anxious vs. Fearful Avoidant: What’s the Difference? Anxious attachment typically develops when caregivers are inconsistent in their emotional attunement practices. Sometimes, the guardian figure was fun, warm, and kind…but other times, more distant...or even scary. The child learns to work hard to get their needs met, and the adult version of that child becomes hypervigilant in relationships, scanning constantly for signs of rejection or abandonment. Fearful avoidant attachment lives in the larger grey area between the black and white of purely anxious or purely avoidant attachment. It typically develops in environments where the caregiver was not just inconsistent, but frightening, or where the child experienced early trauma or abuse/neglect (and remember, emotional/verbal abuse can be just as impactful). The result is often a painful and paradoxical internal contradiction: I desperately want the love that I so deeply fear. On the surface, this can look like anxiety, though it often manifests as something a bit “spicier”. The fear of losing the relationship is real and intense, and individuals with disorganized attachment aren’t usually quite as afraid of confrontation (anxious preoccupied folks tend to avoid confrontation). Despite their ability to quickly process, argue their case, and communicate, underneath that anxiety is something that “pure anxious attachment” doesn’t have: an equally powerful pull toward a flight trauma response. Why Narcissistic Relationships Feel Familiar If you have a fearful avoidant attachment style, a narcissistic partner can feel strangely like…home? Early caregivers who were sometimes frightening or chronically dysregulated (and sometimes reasonable) create an emotional learning within their children: love is unpredictable. A narcissistic partner, sometimes charismatic and sometimes cruel, with their cycles of idealization and devaluation, reactivate that exact template. Our nervous systems recognize that familiar pattern and, in a distorted way, feel at ease within it. Chaos reads as love and intensity. Inconsistency reads as a complex passion. Walking on eggshells just feels like a regular part of close relationships. The Compounding Effect: Complex Trauma on Complex Trauma For fearful avoidant individuals, a narcissistic relationship both creates new wounds and compounds existing ones. The present-day harm lands on top of early childhood experiences that were never fully processed in the body. Healing can feel so impossible and disorienting because you’re not just recovering from one relationship...you’re recovering from two different timelines at once. This is also why simply understanding your attachment style intellectually often isn’t enough. Insight is valuable, but trauma lives in the body and the nervous system, not just the mind. Many of the Chicago-area survivors we work with have read every book, watched every YouTube video, and still feel stuck at first, because “the work” hasn’t happened somatically. How EMDR Therapy For Narcissistic Abuse Addresses Both Layers EMDR therapy for narcissistic abuse is one of the most effective approaches, precisely because it works at the level where the trauma is stored. Despite popular belief, cognitive approaches absolutely play a large role in narcissistic abuse recovery, but somatic therapies must be included as well for thorough healing. Yes, we work well with intellectualizers. :) In EMDR, we reprocess the early memories and the somatic experiences that manifested into unhealthy learnings. Together, we look at the early attachment wounds that taught the nervous system that love is unsafe, revisiting them gently, not to re-traumatize, but to allow the brain to integrate them with the perspective and resources of an adult. At the same time, the more recent complex trauma from the narcissistic relationship can also be processed. New, more adaptive beliefs about self-worth and safety are installed. These help the nervous system update its understanding and finally find some peace. The goal isn’t to change the past. EMDR just keeps it from running the show indefinitely. Working with a Chicago EMDR Therapist Who Specializes in Narcissistic Abuse If this resonates, do not hesitate to reach out. At Two Lights Therapy Center in Chicago, Erika Koch-Weser, LCSW, NATC specializes in narcissistic abuse recovery and attachment trauma. Somatic and Attachment-Focused EMDR is one of the core tools she uses to help clients heal. Two Lights Therapy Center also offers online therapy across Illinois for those outside the Chicago area. Ready to explore this further?: Contact Us Two Lights Therapy Center PLLC | Chicago Narcissistic Abuse Therapist and EMDR Therapy for Fearful Avoidant Attachment Please Note: The information provided in these blog posts is for informational and educational purposes only. It is not intended to be a substitute for professional therapy or therapeutic services. While licensed psychotherapists write these blogs, readers should not use this content as a replacement for individualized advice or treatment. If you are experiencing a crisis or need immediate assistance, please call 911 or contact other emergency services in your area. Two Lights Therapy Center is a private pay practice in Chicago, Illinois, specializing in narcissistic abuse recovery, EMDR, and attachment trauma. Virtual sessions available throughout IL.

If you've been trying to find the best therapy for narcissistic abuse, you've probably come across "EMDR" or Eye Movement Desensitization and Reprocessing. Maybe someone recommended it, or you found it online while searching for something (literally anything) that might actually work, given what you've been through. The good news is that EMDR can be genuinely transformative for many survivors of narcissistic abuse (as you've probably read). That said, a lot of what's out there right now makes it sound more clinical and less human than it actually is. Here's an honest look at what EMDR for narcissistic abuse really looks like in the treatment room. What Makes EMDR Different for Narcissistic Abuse Recovery Narcissistic abuse isn't just the experience of the “classic toxic relationship” or a series of hurtful relational exchanges. Narcissistic abuse is a systematic erosion of your identity, your self-trust, and your ability to feel safe in your own body. Standard talk therapy can actually be helpful to some extent (despite what you’ve heard), but it often stays in the realm of the “thinking mind,” and it can be less helpful for folks who tend to intellectualize. Narcissistic abuse survivors are often very good at analyzing their experiences…but many do this without actually moving through them. EMDR (Eye Movement Desensitization and Reprocessing) helps us to access the nervous system, where trauma actually lives. That's why it's become a gold-standard approach for trauma treatment and why it's particularly well-suited to the layered, relational wounds left by narcissistic abuse. At Two Lights Therapy Center, the EMDR approach utilized is called S.A.F.E. EMDR (Somatic and Attachment-Focused EMDR). Sessions still involve reprocessing trauma, but they're also working with the attachment wounds and unmet relational needs that live underneath those memories. This matters enormously for narcissistic abuse survivors, because the relational pain isn't just about what happened. It's also about what it confirmed about you, your fears, and about love itself. We Don't Jump Straight Into Reprocessing Many people don’t realize that EMDR for narcissistic abuse should never begin with trauma processing. The first two sessions at Two Lights are dedicated entirely to intake. This includes processes like building rapport, gathering your history, and getting to know you as a whole person. Not just your trauma. You. After that, it may still be weeks before reprocessing actually begins, as EMDR is an 8-phase process. This isn't a formality. Relational safety is the foundation upon which everything else is built. Survivors of narcissistic abuse have often had their experiences minimized, their pain diminished, their perceptions questioned, and their trust repeatedly violated by someone who was supposed to be safe. Walking into a therapy room doesn't automatically undo that experience or repave those neural pathways. A strong therapeutic alliance, one where you genuinely feel seen, believed, heard, understood, and not rushed, is a huge part of the healing itself. Only once that foundation is in place can deeper trauma reprocessing begin. This pacing might seem slow, but it's strategic and completely vital. What Actually Happens in an EMDR Session Here's the part that surprises most people: EMDR sessions involve very little talking. Weird right? Once reprocessing begins, most of the session is internal. There's no pressure to narrate your experiences in detail, find the right words, or explain your feelings. You're guided to hold something in mind and body (a memory, a belief, an experience, a feeling) while bilateral stimulation does the work of helping your nervous system reprocess the trauma. At Two Lights, bilateral stimulation is delivered virtually using a light bar. You’ll see a small blue light that moves gently back and forth across your screen, and you simply follow it with your eyes. With S.A.F.E. EMDR, sessions focus on... The root of the attachment trauma: the core wounds, often from early relational experiences, that made certain relationship dynamics more possible in the first place Somatic awareness: what's happening in your body in real time, since the body holds the imprint of relational trauma in ways the conscious mind can't always access Unmet attachment needs: not just what happened, but what you needed and didn't receive, and how that shaped your nervous system's expectations of closeness and safety Present-moment experience: noticing how past wounds show up in your current felt sense, and gently updating those patterns A Note on Private Pay…and Why It Matters for This Work Like most specialized practices, Two Lights Therapy Center does not participate with insurance companies. We understand that therapy is a significant investment of both emotional and financial resources. Narcissistic abuse recovery is complex, nuanced work. It doesn't follow a neat timeline, and it can't be meaningfully compressed into only 45-minute sessions driven by what an insurance company is willing to authorize. Insurance-based therapy often requires a formal diagnosis for every session to be covered, and those diagnoses can follow you. This is especially inappropriate if you don’t meet criteria for a mental health diagnosis and are instead having a congruent reaction to antagonistic relational stress and coercive control. Insurance companies also tend to dictate session frequency, session length, and sometimes even treatment approach. For survivors of narcissistic abuse, who often come in questioning whether their experience was even "bad enough" to warrant help, having your care shaped by what a third party deems reimbursable can quietly reinforce the very minimization from which you're trying to heal. Private pay therapy keeps the focus where it belongs: on you, your goals, and what your recovery actually requires, and it allows for the flexibility and pacing that this kind of relational trauma work demands. Is EMDR for Narcissistic Abuse Right for You? If you've been in a relationship with someone with narcissistic traits or tendencies, whether that be a partner, parent, or other close figure, EMDR may be exactly what's been missing in your recovery journey. This is especially true if you find yourself startling easily, cycling through the same patterns in new relationships, or carrying a chronic sense of shame. S.A.F.E. EMDR at Two Lights Therapy Center is available virtually to clients throughout Illinois. If you're ready for some therapy work at the level where the deep healing happens (in the body, in the nervous system, and in the places where your earliest experiences of love and safety were written), we'd love to hear from you. Two Lights Therapy Center PLLC | Chicago Narcissistic Abuse Therapist Narcissistic Abuse Recovery Chicago Please Note: The information provided in these blog posts is for informational and educational purposes only. It is not intended to be a substitute for professional therapy or therapeutic services. While licensed psychotherapists write these blogs, readers should not use this content as a replacement for individualized advice or treatment. If you are experiencing a crisis or need immediate assistance, please call 911 or contact other emergency services in your area. Two Lights Therapy Center is a private pay practice in Chicago, Illinois, specializing in narcissistic abuse recovery, EMDR, and attachment trauma. Virtual sessions available throughout IL.

This blog will not resonate with every person who has been in a narcissistic relationship, but it likely will for many. If you’re honest with yourself, did/does a part of you find it difficult to walk away because sex with the narcissist feels like the best you’ve ever had? Many people who have been in relationships with a narcissist will say: "I know our relationship was so toxic, but the sex was like nothing I’ve ever experienced before." The intensity and passion of the acts can feel intoxicating...almost like a high from a drug. But why?! Why does sex with a narcissist feel so addictive? More importantly, how do you break free without losing the part of you that craves deep, powerful connection? The answer actually lies in our brain chemistry and in the illusion of passion that narcissistic partners often create in the bedroom. The Illusion of Intimacy: Why Sex with a Narcissist Feels So Intense Sex with a narcissist can feel unlike anything else. Often, it’s also one of the only times you feel truly connected to them. Outside the bedroom, they may be distant or dismissive, but during sex, their full attention is on you, creating the illusion of true intimacy. This intensity can feel euphoric and even addictive because it’s one of the rare moments where you feel bonded, desired, seen, sexy, and emotionally connected. The unfortunate reality is that the high is followed by an intense emotional crash, reinforcing the power imbalance that keeps you hooked. The Dopamine Trap: Why You Crave the Narcissist’s Love & Attention If there’s one thing I wish I could shout from the rooftops, it would be this: The rush you feel with a narcissist is chemical. A NEUROCHEMICAL CON-JOB!!! Narcissists are masters of intermittent reinforcement (also known as partial reward schedules). They create an unpredictable cycle of attention and avoidance. One moment, they make you feel like the sexiest, most desired person in the world; the next, they withdraw, leaving you desperate for the next “hit” of their affection. This kind of hot-and-cold dynamic hijacks your brain’s reward system, flooding you with dopamine, the same neurotransmitter involved in addiction. Here’s where it gets even trickier: For many people, this isn’t just about the narcissist (they aren’t that special). It’s also about a nervous system wired to expect inconsistency. If, in your earliest experiences with love, affection felt unpredictable, sometimes warm and available, but more often distant or conditional, your nervous system learned to equate uncertainty with intensity. When a narcissistic partner pulls away and then gives you attention again, it reinforces the idea that love must be earned, chased/fought for. Suddenly, you’re playing a game you never agreed to. Anxiety feels like attraction, and chemistry is just more chaos in disguise. Mistaking Power Struggles for Passion: The Narcissist’s Illusion of Depth A relationship with a narcissist often feels deep and destined (like no one else has ever seen you the way they do). They might even say things like: "I’ve never felt this way about anyone else before." "You and I are different from other people...we just get each other." "I feel like I know you better than you even know yourself." "I think I know you better than anyone else in your life." That depth is an illusion. That "soul-level intimacy" is often just a high-stakes power struggle. In these dynamics, love and validation must be earned, not freely given. If this realization stings, I hear you. A decade ago, I would have slammed my laptop shut right about now. Real intimacy isn’t about winning someone’s attention back—it’s about feeling safe enough that you never had to prove your worth in the first place. And here’s the kicker: True passion comes from real presence. A partner who is: ✔ Securely attached ✔ Emotionally attuned to you ✔ Aware of your desires ✔ Able to hold space for both your strength and vulnerability That is sexy. How to Break Free from the Narcissist’s Sexual Hold (Without Losing the Spark) One of the biggest fears of leaving a narcissistic relationship is: What if I never feel this kind of passion again? What if sex in a healthy relationship feels boring? I hear you. If you’re wired for intensity, the idea of settling into a stable relationship can feel like trading passion for boredom...which is why so many people go back to the chaos ( most of us do, multiple times ). The fear of being with a nice, stable partner but having no chemistry is a real concern. The reality is, intensity doesn’t have to mean instability. Mind-blowing, passionate sex can exist in safe, healthy relationships. In fact, it can be even better because instead of being fueled by anxiety, it’s fueled by trust, playfulness, and deep emotional & sexual attunement. Dominance, surrender, and raw desire don’t disappear in the right, healthy relationship. Instead, they often just become more expansive. Instead of chasing validation or fearing abandonment, you’re free to explore pleasure on your own terms, knowing the connection doesn’t vanish once the moment ends. Rewiring Your Attraction: How to Make Stability Feel Sexy Breaking free from a narcissistic dynamic isn’t as easy as just about walking away. unfortunately. We have to rewire what feels good in relationships. This means actively working on: Distinguishing between healthy sexual excitement and toxic intensity Expanding what turns you on beyond the adrenaline rush of being “chosen” Letting your nervous system recalibrate so that safety starts to feel sexy Exploring new, intense fantasies that center consent, communication, and mutual desire Things will still be wild again one day. Passion was never the problem. It was just misplaced in the hands of someone who never deserved it. One last thing to remember: The sex wasn’t good because THEY were there—it was good because YOU were there, and it provided you with an exciting space to explore your own sexuality. That exploration doesn’t have to stop just because they’re gone. There are many more opportunities ahead of you to continue that important work. What is a partial reward schedule ? Here are two more blogs on that topic!: https://www.twolightstherapy.com/post/the-simplified-neuroscience-of-trauma-bonds-how-narcissistic-abuse-can-hijack-your-brain-part-1 https://www.twolightstherapy.com/post/part-2-how-a-trauma-bond-forms-and-progresses-through-a-simplified-neuroscience-lens We are here to help. Read  more about our narcissistic abuse therapy services : https://www.twolightstherapy.com/narcissistic-abuse-therapy Want to continue this conversation?  Virtual Sessions for survivors can be scheduled by emailing: hello@twolightstherapy.com  or by visiting:   https://www.twolightstherapy.com/contact     Two Lights Therapy Center PLLC | Chicago, Illinois Narcissistic Abuse Recovery Experts Please Note: The information provided in these blog posts is for informational and educational purposes only. It is not intended to be a substitute for professional therapy or therapeutic services. While these blogs are written by licensed psychotherapists, readers should not use this content as a replacement for individualized advice or treatment. If you are experiencing a crisis or need immediate assistance, please call 911 or contact other emergency services in your area.

This guide will explore how to find the right group support for narcissistic abuse recovery. Once survivors recognize how isolated they’ve become as a result of narcissistic abuse, they often wonder what kind of support they should seek out. It’s natural to be hesitant or unsure of where to turn (especially given that narcissistic abuse makes you feel like you can't make good decisions). If your friends or family have been less than understanding, you might start to wonder about support groups. If you’re searching for a narcissistic abuse support group in Chicago, here are a few tips to help you make sure you land somewhere safe and supportive. Please note: guidelines may vary by state There is really nothing better than being in a room (or in a virtual meeting) with other people who really GET IT . Not to mention, looking for a narcissistic abuse support group in Chicago might just lead you to something even more powerful: a path back to yourself. (Too cheesy? Never!) While I don’t currently offer group therapy or support groups at Two Lights Therapy Center, many of my clients initially found me while searching for one. What they often discover is that both group and individual support have their place. I think understanding the difference can help you take the next right step. Why Narcissistic Abuse Survivors Seek Out Support Groups or Group Therapy for Narcissistic Abuse Individuals who have experienced narcissistic abuse can tell you—the isolation feels endless. Sometimes, we not only feel deeply alone because we have become so,  but also because when we have reached out for help, we’ve been met with judgment.  Abusers often isolate their targets (both physically and emotionally), and your loved ones may not have been able to understand why you weren’t in touch as often. Friends may have misread the situation, assuming your "flakiness" reflected a lack of desire to connect. Please also consider that it is not uncommon for survivors to push away those close to them during abuse due to shame, fear, and their abuser’s demands. While those relationships can be repaired, in the meantime, support groups can be a powerful antidote to this isolation. For many survivors, narcissistic abuse survivor communities are a place where they feel truly seen. When someone shares a story that sounds just like yours, it becomes easier to believe that what happened to you was REAL and that it wasn’t your fault. (It wasn't by the way...). The Benefits of Narcissistic Abuse Support Groups Mutual understanding & the accompanying validation An opportunity to step out of the shadows A place to break the silence that keeps your shame alive Opportunities to learn new language for the things you have experienced Opportunities to build healthy, corrective relationships through peer connection Support during trauma bond "withdrawal" (THE WORST) One of the most common patterns I see in my clients is the feeling of being "addicted" to a narcissistic ex, even when they logically know the relationship was damaging. This is the nature of trauma bonding. Support groups can help ease the withdrawal when you finally decide to go no-contact, especially if your support system is limited and you are often alone. What Is the Difference Between Individual Therapy and a Narcissistic Abuse Support Group? Both support groups and therapy have much to offer, but they certainly serve different roles. Support groups provide that sense of shared experience, which can be comforting and normalizing. Finding a place where you need not fear judgment and can set aside social anxiety is really something magical. Narcissistic abuse support groups typically focus on connection, validation, and exploring those aforementioned shared experiences.  Individual therapy, on the other hand, allows for personalized, deeper trauma work (which you should not be doing in a support group). Individual therapy for narcissistic abuse recovery offers a space to explore your unique history, attachment patterns/traumas, and current circumstances under the guidance of a licensed professional. Instead of needing to share a space, the therapeutic one is your own. There may be themes or topics you don't feel comfortable discussing in a group space (like your sex life, past traumas, or specific instances of abuse). Discussion of these topics often feels more appropriate in a confidential space. Can a Support Group Help Me Let Go of My Narcissistic Ex? This is a common question, and it is normal to want answers and absolutes when things have felt so unsteady. While healing from narcissistic abuse isn’t quick work, support groups can absolutely help in that they provide both accountability and community. Trauma bonds can mimic addiction, and group support can be a lifeline during your hardest moments of withdrawal. When you feel the urge to reach back out or question whether it "was really that bad," hearing others share stories of similar struggles can ground you back in reality. The opposite of addiction is not just “sobriety”—it’s connection. Finding community and people who understand the emotional grip of narcissistic relationships can help loosen the hold a trauma bond has on your heart and mind. This is especially true when you feel like blaming yourself or romanticizing the past. This kind of community can offer accountability and perspective.  What to Look for in a Narcissistic Abuse Support Group in Chicago (In-Person or Online) Here are some things to consider when looking for a narcissistic abuse support group or group therapy for narcissistic abuse: Is it peer-led or facilitated by a licensed therapist? Who is the organizer? Are there clear boundaries and confidentiality policies? Do the group’s values align with your own healing goals? Not every group will be the right match for you Is it focused on narcissistic abuse in romantic or familial contexts? Is the group open to anyone, regardless of who the perpetrator was? Whether in-person in Chicago or virtual, a good support group should feel safe, structured, and inclusive.  Can’t Find a Good Fit? Why 1:1 Therapy Might Be a Better Option For Some If you’re not finding the kind of support group that feels right, individual therapy can be a powerful alternative (or adjunct option). Narcissistic abuse recovery therapy offers you a private space to explore your stories, rebuild self-trust, process betrayal trauma, and form a corrective relationship.  I work with survivors of narcissistic abuse, folks who have experienced betrayal trauma, and individuals struggling with attachment challenges. If you’re looking for a space to be seen, heard, understood, supported, and empowered, reach out anytime. Interested in Therapy Instead of a Group? I am a Narcissistic Abuse Therapist in Chicago. Reach out today to explore treatment options and to see if we'd be a great therapeutic match. You can read more here about how Two Lights Therapy Center works with survivors of narcissistic abuse:   https://www.twolightstherapy.com/ Virtual Narcissistic Abuse Recovery Sessions for survivors can be booked by emailing: hello@twolightstherapy.com  or by visiting:   https://www.twolightstherapy.com/contact   Two Lights Therapy Center | Chicago, Illinois. Narcissistic Abuse Therapy & Narcissistic Abuse Recovery Specialists Please Note: The information provided in these blog posts is for informational and educational purposes only. It is not intended to be a substitute for professional therapy or therapeutic services. While these blogs are written by licensed psychotherapists, readers should not use this content as a replacement for individualized advice or treatment. If you are experiencing a crisis or need immediate assistance, please call 911 or contact other emergency services in your area.

The trauma caused by narcissistic abuse has a deep, lasting impact on our brains. One of the more complex psychological phenomena, caused by the highs and lows of this kind of dynamic, is the infamous trauma bond– a psychological attachment to an abuser that can feel nearly impossible to weaken. We understand that these relationships can cause a state of emotional dependence, but what is the actual science behind how these bonds forms, and why do they feel so unbreakable? In this blog, we’ll explore how narcissistic abuse can create trauma bonds. We’ll explore this through a lens of simplified neuroscience, focusing on the concept of a partial reward schedule. This is a key psychological principle that can help explain why breaking free from narcissistic abuse is so difficult. What is a Partial Reward Schedule? In simple terms, a partial reward schedule is a psychological concept used in behavioral sciences to describe a pattern of reinforcement in which rewards are given at unpredictable intervals, rather than consistently. Think of it like a slot machine: the machine doesn’t always pay out when you play, but sometimes it does. That unpredictability keeps you coming back, trying to win again. You may be familiar with reinforcement studies where animals are given access to treats or sugar water as a reward, triggered by actions like pressing a lever or responding to a bell. This is a key principle in how addiction works. When rewards are given inconsistently, our brains release dopamine, a neurotransmitter linked to motivation. The uncertainty around when the next reward will come is what makes the behavior so addictive. While many information sources may emphasize the concept of “pleasure”, it is important to focus more on motivation, as dopamine is (in many ways) less about pleasure and more about driving goal-directed behavior. Put super simply, dopamine drives us to “do the thing again”. In the meantime, if we are oxytocin-bonding with the narcissistic person in our lives, this will contribute to our feelings of “stuckness”.  Oxytocin, the "love hormone" or "bonding hormone", reinforces trauma bonds by deepening attachment during moments of affection in narcissistic relationships. Even during neglect or abuse, the brain clings to the moments where oxytocin was induced, mistaking them for genuine moments of love. Narcissistic Abuse and the Partial Reward Schedule Now, let’s look at how this relates to narcissistic abuse. Narcissistic folks are known for using intermittent reinforcement (whether consciously or unconsciously) to manipulate their victims. They may alternate between periods of idealization (where they shower their target with praise and affection) and devaluation (where they belittle, criticize, or emotionally neglect their target). We can become hooked on the "good" moments, waiting for the narcissist to revert back to being kind, loving, or charming. Because these rewards come unpredictably (sometimes a small compliment, sometimes a brutal insult), the victim's brain is constantly on edge, craving that next “hit” of affection or validation. This is what creates a trauma bond, a psychological connection that can feel more powerful than the pain of the abuse itself. Trauma bonds often lead individuals to feel a deep, almost mystical connection with the narcissistic person, often believing they are soulmates or that the relationship was destined by divine intervention. This feeling is intensified by the intermittent reinforcement, as the highs of affection and validation create a false sense of fate, making it harder to distinguish genuine love from manipulation. Recognizing that we need to let go of this “destiny myth” can be one of the most painful moments for survivors of abuse if they are still in love with their abuser.  The reason these trauma bonds are so powerful is that the brain, driven by the unpredictability of the narcissist's behavior, releases dopamine during the rare moments of affection or praise. This creates a sense of reward that keeps the victim coming back, much like someone with a gambling addiction keeps playing the slot machine. Even though the abuse may be flagged as harmful and inconsistent, the brain clings to the hope of those "reward" moments, further entangling the victim in the trauma bond. The Neuroscience Behind Trauma Bonds The science behind trauma bonds involves how the brain processes stress and attachment. When subjected to narcissistic abuse, the victim’s brain becomes caught in a loop of emotional highs and lows (sometimes called the 10’s & the 1’s). These emotional extremes trigger the release of both dopamine and cortisol– a stress hormone. The cortisol creates feelings of fear, anxiety, and vigilance, while the aforementioned dopamine creates feelings of motivation, pleasure, and reward. The constant cycling between stress and pleasure can literally rewire the brain’s reward system. Over time, the brain starts to associate the narcissist with both danger and reward. Sometimes, the brain even begins to more directly associate pain with pleasure, causing survivors to believe that pleasure/happiness will never be available to them again without this person– or another person who is equally as dysregulating and abusive. This creates a neurochemical dependency on the narcissist, even though the relationship is damaging. The victim becomes emotionally addicted, and the trauma bond continues to grow stronger. As the bond grows stronger, so can the survivor's shame. Typically, survivors KNOW the relationship is unhealthy and can begin to believe that "knowing" should be enough to motivate them to leave. The people around them are often confused and even frustrated that they won't "just leave". It is NEVER that simple. I will write a whole blog on this shame cycle, but please know that you are not alone and you are not stupid for wanting to stay. Logic & emotion don't always play well together. Survivors of narcissistic abuse understand, but many others will not. Keep exploring your own mind and journey with kindness and compassion. Breaking the Cycle of Narcissistic Trauma Bonds Understanding some of the science behind trauma bonds and understanding how partial reward schedules keep us trapped are important steps towards freedom from narcissistic abuse. Once you recognize that the cycle of reward and pain is a manipulation tactic, it becomes easier to see through the narcissistic person’s behavior. Healing from a trauma bond involves reprogramming the brain and creating healthier, more consistent sources of validation and reward. This often means removing the narcissistic person from your life, seeking therapy, and building (or rebuilding if you’ve been intentionally isolated) support systems that reinforce your worth and well-being without the emotional volatility of narcissistic abuse. Please remember that healing from a trauma bond isn’t just about leaving the relationship. It’s about rewiring your brain’s reward system and learning to rely on healthier sources of love, affection, and validation. The beautiful truth is that much of that love can come from within as well, once you begin to reconnect with yourself.  The concept of a partial reward schedule specifically offers a powerful lens through which we can understand the neuroscience and violence of trauma bonds. With awareness of this process (and what we feel during it), survivors can begin to navigate their unique healing process, breaking free from the trauma bond, and reclaiming their autonomy. If you or someone you know is struggling with a trauma bond from narcissistic abuse, please do not hesitate to reach out for support. Part 2 will highlight & condense the basic neuroscience. If this felt like a lot of reading, check it out: https://www.twolightstherapy.com/post/part-2-how-a-trauma-bond-forms-and-progresses-through-a-simplified-neuroscience-lens Want to work with a narcissism specialist? Virtual Narcissistic Abuse Recovery Sessions for survivors can be booked by emailing: hello@twolightstherapy.com   Two Lights Therapy Center | Chicago, Illinois. Narcissistic Personality & Abuse Recovery Specialists Disclaimer:  The information provided in these blog posts is for informational and educational purposes only. It is not intended to be a substitute for professional therapy or therapeutic services. Readers should not use this content as a replacement for individualized advice or treatment. If you are experiencing a crisis or need immediate assistance, please call 911 or contact other emergency services in your area.

**Trigger Warning: Narcissistic Abuse Mentioned ** Survivors of abuse often grapple with whether their abuser had a narcissistic personality style or was simply struggling with dismissive avoidant attachment tendencies. Understanding these distinctions can be complex. Many (most) individuals with narcissistic traits also display dismissive avoidant behaviors, but most dismissive avoidant individuals aren't narcissistic. That said, those unaware of their dismissive avoidant tendencies can still inflict emotional, mental, and verbal harm akin to a narcissist. To make matters more complicated, sometimes individuals with dismissive avoidant attachment styles have some minor narcissistic traits themselves, but do not "by definition" have a narcissistic personality. It’s all a spectrum. Here are three key considerations if you’re seeking clarity on this issue. Remember, every person is different, and the following insights are simply based on typical, well-researched behavioral patterns. 1. Was Their Pull-Back a Form of Punishment? Both dismissive avoidant individuals and those with narcissistic traits might resort to the “silent treatment,” but their motivations differ. Someone with a narcissistic personality may intentionally withdraw, ignoring your calls or ghosting you, as a form of punishment. In contrast, someone with a dismissive avoidant attachment style may retreat to regulate their own nervous system. While an avoidant individual's actions can feel like a personal attack, they are often simply overwhelmed by their own feelings and may struggle to consider yours. Their (currently) limited emotional capacity and slower emotional processing time can prevent them from recognizing the impact of their behavior and bring about deactivating thoughts (i.e. "this relationship isn't working", "this person isn't right for me", "this person is always bringing drama into my life"). In contrast, narcissists may ghost or fake-discard you to exert emotional control, creating a “cat and mouse” dynamic that reflects a shift in the power balance. Empathy (or lack thereof) upon re-engagement can be a big clue here as well.  2. Consider the Timeline Did distancing or discard-like behaviors emerge around the six-month mark? Many dismissive avoidant individuals (who are highly dopamine-driven) experience a shift when the initial excitement of a relationship fades. After the “honeymoon phase”, dopamine levels often stabilize. People with dismissive avoidant attachment styles may unconsciously interpret this as a sign that the relationship is "not right" or “not working” for them. These deactivating thoughts bring about fear and shame since failing or disappointing others is a top fear for dismissive avoidant folks. While those with narcissistic personality styles will also experience dopamine-related changes in mood, their timeline for devaluation, abuse, and discard is more variable and often influenced more by how much they feel they can gain from you (their source of narcissistic supply) at any given time. 3. How Dirty Did They Fight? Dismissive avoidant individuals may become defensive when triggered (just like anyone else), but typically avoid escalating conflict or adding lots of fuel to the fire. Their fear of confrontation often leads them to flee when tensions rise, and their desire to avoid disappointing others can prevent them from engaging in impulsive, cruel, or taboo behaviors. In contrast, narcissistic individuals often “punch below the belt”, resorting to gaslighting, mocking, and exploiting your insecurities. While people with narcissistic personality styles typically do their best to maintain their image, they are more likely to be vindictive and may also welcome conflict as an opportunity to deny your reality and damage your self-esteem.  This list could be miles long, but we’ll pause here for today. If this is a question that’s been on your mind, feel free to reach out to schedule a session with one of our specialists. Disclaimer: There is no justification for abuse, regardless of attachment style or personality disorder. If you need support, please reach out to us at hello@twolightstherapy.com . We’re here to help. Read more about the services we offer at Two Lights Therapy Center for narcissistic abuse recovery & attachment trauma in Chicago: Therapy for narcissistic abuse: https://www.twolightstherapy.com/narcissistic-abuse-therapy EMDR for Narcissistic Abuse: https://www.twolightstherapy.com/emdr-for-narcissistic-abuse Intensives for Narcissistic Abuse: https://www.twolightstherapy.com/narcissistic-abuse-intensives Two Lights Therapy Center | Chicago, Illinois. Narcissism & Abuse Recovery Specialists Disclaimer: The information provided in these blog posts is for informational and educational purposes only. It is not intended to be a substitute for professional therapy or therapeutic services. Readers should not use this content as a replacement for individualized advice or treatment. If you are experiencing a crisis or need immediate assistance, please call 911 or contact other emergency services in your area.

Treating Dismissive Avoidant Attachment with Schema Therapy Dismissive avoidant attachment isn’t a moral failing, but if our attachment wounds and avoidant adaptations begin to impact those we love in adulthood, it is our responsibility to address the root. Strategies that were once adaptive and kept us safe as children can bleed into later years, substantially impacting our ability to connect and thrive. Our chosen protections often reflect ingrained relational patterns shaped by early environments where our emotional needs were minimized or unmet. At Two Lights Therapy Center, we’ve found schema therapy to be an incredible way to attend to dismissive avoidant attachment patterns by examining and targeting the underlying schemas and modes that organize how we relate to others. Rather than viewing avoidance as resistance, this approach understands it as an adaptive protective system that attempts to preserve autonomy in order to maintain stability. Moving Beyond Surface-Level Approaches to Avoidant Attachment By exploring early schemas (such as emotional deprivation or defectiveness) and identifying protective modes, therapy becomes less about forcing emotional expression and more about increasing self-awareness and somatic awareness. Schema work can be particularly effective in avoidant attachment therapy, where traditional or overly cognitive approaches can feel rigid, intrusive, or misattuned. It is an honor to watch our clients begin to recognize and reshape their protective responses in real time, differentiating past experiences from present relationships. The result is not a changed personality or the loss of independence, but a more integrated way of relating, where connection and autonomy can coexist. Schema therapy offers a compassionate framework for individuals navigating dismissive avoidant attachment to understand their adaptations while creating space for a more authentic existence. To learn more about our approach to attachment-focused therapy in Chicago, reach out to Two Lights Therapy Center. Chicago Dismissive Avoidant Attachment Therapist Virtual Sessions with Erika, a Chicago attachment-focused therapist, can be scheduled by emailing: hello@twolightstherapy.com  or by visiting:   https://www.twolightstherapy.com/contact     Two Lights Therapy Center PLLC | Chicago, Illinois. Attachment Style Specialist and Psychotherapist Please Note: The information provided in these blog posts is for informational and educational purposes only. It is not intended to be a substitute for professional therapy or therapeutic services. While these blogs are written by licensed psychotherapists, readers should not use this content as a replacement for individualized advice or treatment. If you are experiencing a crisis or need immediate assistance, please call 911 or contact other emergency services in your area.

When Avoidant Attachment Styles Collide When a romantic dynamic begins between a Dismissive Avoidant (DA) and a Fearful Avoidant (FA), a predictable cycle begins to play out. While both attachment styles deeply desire connection, their attachment needs clash in a way that creates a painful dance and dynamic. When one partner unconsciously begins shutting down to regulate their nervous system and preserve their peace, the other panics, becoming increasingly compelled to find ways to feel more seen, heard, and understood (which would help regulate THEIR  nervous system). Today, we will explore the core needs and wounds of each partner, and why these relationships can be nearly impossible to maintain without deep psychoeducation or professional help. Whether you’re familiar with attachment theory or just curious about avoidant behaviors, read on to understand why the DA-FA cycle is so challenging. The Dismissive Avoidant’s Deep Need for Peace and Harmony A dismissive-avoidant partner often values peace, harmony, and autonomy above all else. DAs are typically conflict-averse and will do almost anything to avoid "drama", criticism, and confrontation. This sometimes includes more extreme actions as well, such as ghosting, lying, and blame-shifting. When tensions rise in the relationship (or when the FA wants to share their feelings, discuss the relationship, or explore the future), the DA’s instinct is often to retreat or shut down rather than engage. DAs are known to withdraw (physically or emotionally) to escape “arguments” (perceived criticism) and stressful emotions, their deactivating thoughts driving them far away from their partner. The DA’s desire to keep the relationship easy and surface-level doesn't manifest because they don’t care; it’s because conflict triggers their deepest insecurities. Most DAs grew up without the appropriate emotional attunement from their caregivers and were overtly or covertly criticized or emotionally neglected, leaving them with a “defectiveness” wound. At their core, DAs believe they are not good enough, some even believing others will surely find out how “worthless” or “incompetent” they really are in love and in life (distorted thinking).  Many dismissive avoidants don’t recognize that emotional attunement was missing in childhood. They often describe their upbringing as "good" or share that “we just weren’t a feelings family,” because their parents showed up in visible, tangible ways (like attending sports games, school events, or providing food/shelter/financial resources). What they don't realize is that consistent emotional presence and true responsiveness were largely absent, and love was sometimes only offered when they "achieved" something. In adulthood, when a DA senses their FA partner is unhappy with them, it activates this defectiveness wound, immediately creating deep feelings of shame and even anger. Rather than face their feelings, the dismissive avoidant partner copes by creating space, including (but not limited to) emotional distance. In short, most DAs crave a peaceful relationship where they never have to feel inadequate or criticized ever again (as they were in childhood). Perceived criticism or an experience of neediness from a partner will often send them running for the hills. Of course, their desire for constant harmony is largely unrealistic, as healthy relationships involve and require disagreements. As you can imagine, their unmet expectations and attachment wounds often leave the DA facing failed relationship after failed relationship. After some time, many individuals settle down to avoid seeming  defective to others, but then end up wrestling with a lurking resentment (related to commitment and expectations) for the rest of their marriage. It is also not uncommon for avoidants to end up committing to someone they don’t truly love, as real, deep emotions feel very uncomfortable to them long-term. Sometimes a "good enough" connection feels safer. The Fearful Avoidant’s Need to Be Seen, Heard, and Understood In contrast, a fearful-avoidant partner’s biggest need in life/love is to be truly and deeply seen, heard, and understood.   Fearful avoidant attachment is one of the rarest attachment styles, but they are some of the deepest feelers and fastest emotional processors. While there is a vast FA spectrum, to keep things simple, think of FAs as a mix of dismissive avoidant and anxious preoccupied attachment styles. Depending on the nature of a stimulus, FAs can lean anxious or avoidant at any given moment.  Because of this, FAs often experience extreme inner turmoil. They desperately want closeness and validation, yet they also deeply fear it. This attachment style (sometimes called disorganized attachment or anxious avoidant) usually comes from early trauma or inconsistent caregiving (marked by a lack of appropriate or consistent emotional attunement). FAs learned to associate love with uncertainty, chaos, and even intermittent pain. As adults, they crave the deepest connections but are also constantly on guard for dishonesty or betrayal. At their core, fearful avoidants carry a deep wound of betrayal. Their pervasive fear (that their heart will be broken if they offer their full trust) often leaves them paranoid and their actions unpredictable (even erratic). In childhood, they were likely deeply (& repeatedly) hurt by a guardian or attachment figure, so now they are hypervigilant for any sign of deceit. They are exceptionally good at this, examining everything under a microscope with a thick, negative lens. In the FAs mind, it’s not “if” but “when” they will be betrayed. This is actually an adaptive belief that kept them safe in childhood, but it causes them excess anxiety when attempting to nurture new connections in adulthood. The FAs pain is primal: when their betrayal schema is activated, they might feel intense panic, anxiety, rage, and despair as if reliving all past “abandonments” at once.  The FA can seem to switch personalities: one moment they’re warm and profoundly loving, and the next they’re defensive, anxious, suspicious, or cold. FAs often need reassurance that their partner truly sees them, understands them,  and loves them for who they are. Feeling ignored or misunderstood will trigger the FAs fear of betrayal and abandonment. In response, we might see protest behaviors (anger, silence, criticism), or the stereotypical anxious preoccupied attachment style behaviors, depending on which way their nervous system chooses to learn (anxious or avoidant). Anxious preoccupied behaviors include excessive reassurance-seeking, over-communicating needs for closeness, and even coercive co-regulation. While FAs are less likely to engage in coercive co-regulation attempts, they need emotional presence from their partner. They need to feel that their thoughts, ideas, fears, and feelings matter. Otherwise, they will sometimes cling too tightly to a certain outcome or suddenly withdraw, unsure whether to pursue love or protect themselves. Conflicting Needs and the Push-Pull Dynamic You can see why these two attachment styles together might have some challenges. 🫠 It’s no surprise that the DA and FA create a volatile push-pull cycle as their core needs are directly at odds. The DA withdraws to regulate their nervous systems, while the FA pursues (or pushes) for answers & validation. This often becomes a painful dance with one partner chasing and the other withdrawing. When an FA feels their needs aren’t being met, they will likely begin to work harder for closeness. They might raise concerns, seek reassurance, or express frustration about feeling unheard. In their eyes, this is an attempt to bridge the gap, but the dismissive avoidant experiences this as an ambush, full of conflict or criticism, which then threatens their need for harmony. The more the FA approaches with emotion, the more the DA’s defectiveness wound begins to sting (“I can’t do anything right”, “I’m a bad partner”), and the DA responds by shutting down or pulling away even further. The DA’s retreat triggers that aforementioned betrayal wound in the FA. The fearful avoidant partner, sensing this distancing, feels abandoned and betrayed (“I knew I’d be left once I opened up!”). In pain and panic, the FA may lash out or become highly emotional, which only convinces the DA that peace is gone. In conflict, a DA is not only hearing an upset partner...they are feeling a lifetime of inadequacy. This reinforces their choice to distance and disconnect.  This cycle can repeat endlessly.   Ironically, both partners actually hurt for the same reason: each is afraid of not being good enough or of being hurt/abandoned by the other. Yet their coping strategies are so opposite that neither will have their needs met by the other. The result is a relationship that swings between intense closeness and heartbreaking distance, often in rapid succession. Over time, both individuals feel exhausted, wounded, and confused. The FA feels unseen and betrayed, while the DA feels inadequate and overwhelmed. Without intervention, this looping dynamic tends to worsen with each conflict, as trust erodes and resentments build. Understanding the core wounds is key to breaking these patterns because it shifts the focus from blaming to empathizing. Why the DA-FA Relationship Rarely Works Without Help Given how entrenched these needs and wounds are, it’s almost impossible for a DA-FA relationship to thrive without conscious effort or professional intervention. Both partners are essentially fighting their own childhood ghosts (as well as each other). In time, the cycle of pursuit and withdrawal will become more extreme and even toxic. These relationships can very easily be mistaken for ones where narcissistic abuse is at play. In many cases, the relationship will end painfully unless changes are made. A skilled therapist or relationship coach can help the dismissive avoidant learn to gradually face vulnerability and discomfort. Likewise, the fearful avoidant can learn to self-soothe and limit their time putting their partner under a microscope. If one or both partners refuse to acknowledge the issues or get help, the unhealthy pattern will not just cease with time. Unfortunately, dismissive avoidants are notorious for avoiding therapy since it involves emotional exploration and exposure. To be fair, the wrong therapy CAN actually worsen the DA’s experience and habits. Without the appropriate interventions, the DA-FA pair often reaches a breaking point where the FA feels too hurt to continue, or the DA feels too emotionally flooded, incapable, or incompetent to cope, and they part ways. In some cases, the relationship limps along in chronic dissatisfaction, leaving both parties suffering. Healthy resolution requires interrupting the cycles mentioned above, healing the wounds beneath them, and developing new communication habits (all of which are far more attainable with attachment theory-informed, professional help). If you find yourself in this dynamic, know that you’re not alone and it’s not totally hopeless. Also know that it won’t fix itself without effort from both parties. In the end, a DA-FA relationship can become stable and supportive, but it takes two self-aware partners and often a lot of work. Remember, love shouldn’t be a painful, repetitive cycle. Change is possible, and everyone deserves a relationship where both people feel loved, seen, safe, and understood. Secure attachment is possible. Looking for therapy to address your attachment style & move towards secure attachment? Read more about how Two Lights Therapy Center approaches treatment: Attachment-Focused Therapy Therapy for Attachment Styles: https://www.twolightstherapy.com/attachment-styles-therapy Couples Therapy for Attachment Challenges: https://www.twolightstherapy.com/couples-therapy-for-attachment-styles Therapy for Avoidant Attachment: https://www.twolightstherapy.com/therapy-for-avoidant-attachment Want to work with an attachment specialist for therapy?  Virtual Sessions for survivors can be booked by emailing: hello@twolightstherapy.com  or by visiting:   https://www.twolightstherapy.com/contact   Two Lights Therapy Center | Chicago, Illinois. Narcissism & Attachment Specialists Please Note: The information provided in these blog posts is for informational and educational purposes only. It is not intended to be a substitute for professional therapy or therapeutic services. While these blogs are written by licensed psychotherapists, readers should not use this content as a replacement for individualized advice or treatment. If you are experiencing a crisis or need immediate assistance, please call 911 or contact other emergency services in your area.

“Why can’t I just walk away?” It’s a question we so often hear at Two Lights Therapy Center when someone is just starting therapy for narcissistic abuse . It’s easy to assume that leaving an abusive relationship is as simple as walking out the door, but that couldn’t be further from the truth. As human beings, we do not operate on logic alone, and just recognizing coercion isn’t enough to truly sever a trauma bond. Leaving isn’t just “difficult". Sometimes, it is nearly impossible. The Intensity of a Trauma Bond One of the most overlooked aspects of narcissistic abuse is the intensity of the “attachment” the abuse cycle creates. The love-bombing, intense connection, and idealization are soon followed by devaluation and further emotional abuse. Once panic and confusion set in, a type of pseudo-repair is often just around the corner, keeping survivors hopeful. The pattern conditions the nervous system to associate relief with reconnection and intensity with love. The moments of closeness feel incredibly powerful and meaningful due to their unpredictable nature (dopamine relies on things being unpredictable). The chaotic pattern of highs and lows (intermittent reinforcement/partial reward schedule) can quickly create a trauma bond. These bonds are incredibly resistant to what we call “extinction” in the field of psychology. When a relationship alternates between emotional highs and lows, it activates powerful reward systems in the brain, keeping us bound by biology. Losing Your Internal Compass The insidious gaslighting and blame-shifting we so often associate with narcissistic abuse erode our sense of self and reality over time. Survivors often find their memories aren’t exactly as sharp as they once felt. Their needs feel excessive, and they begin to feel partially responsible for the relationship’s issues and ongoing instability. Frankly, when you’re constantly calling your own sanity into question, leaving becomes all the more difficult. It isn’t unusual to feel even more dependent on a partner at this point in the relationship. From the outside, it can look like someone is choosing to stay or ignoring the red flags, but leaving isn’t just some simple decision. It’s more often than not a process that requires regulation and clarity, both of which are hard to come by within these dynamics. For many people, this is where working with a specialist becomes important. Specialized narcissistic abuse therapy can help one make sense of these patterns and support the process of disentangling from them in a way that actually sticks. It’s Not Your Fault There’s often a quiet layer of shame in these experiences that whispers we should “know better.” However, you will find that survivors hardly ever lack intelligence or self-awareness. When the right, non-judgmental support is accessed and trauma is processed, the dynamics become clearer, and something shifts. From that place, change becomes more possible when it’s not forced or rushed, but instead supported consistently. If you’ve struggled to leave, it doesn’t mean something is wrong with you. The part of you that feels stuck deserves to be understood, not judged. If you’re looking for therapeutic support, learn more about working with a Chicago Narcissistic Abuse Therapist: Narcissistic Abuse Therapy in Chicago : https://www.twolightstherapy.com/narcissistic-abuse-therapy Two Lights Therapy Center PLLC | Chicago Narcissistic Abuse Therapist Narcissistic Abuse Recovery Chicago Please Note: The information provided in these blog posts is for informational and educational purposes only. It is not intended to be a substitute for professional therapy or therapeutic services. While licensed psychotherapists write these blogs, readers should not use this content as a replacement for individualized advice or treatment. If you are experiencing a crisis or need immediate assistance, please call 911 or contact other emergency services in your area.

Finding support during or after narcissistic abuse is crucial. Narcissistic abuse support groups can be incredibly validating, and for many survivors, they are the first place where their lived experience is named and believed. Sharing and listening (while surrounded by others who are familiar with the agony of this kind of antagonism) reminds us that we’re not alone, despite our experiences with isolation.  That being said, while support groups have their place, they aren’t a substitute for therapy, and it’s important to gently and honestly name their limits. Support groups and therapy serve very different purposes, and confusing one for the other can sometimes substantially slow recovery. So what are the limitations? Let’s take a look.  Narcissistic Abuse Follows Patterns, But Every Story Is Unique While many cases involving narcissism share a similar flavor, no two high-stress experiences are the same. Yes, narcissistic abuse includes some consistent, recognizable tactics like idealization, devaluation, minimizing, gaslighting, and other kinds of coercive control. What’s important to recognize, though, is that the relational dynamic behind each situation is different. Your nervous system, attachment history, and trauma responses shape your experience in a way that no group template can fully capture. Recovery shouldn’t just be about fitting into a shared narrative or examining a diluted definition. It’s important to thoroughly understand your own before introducing strangers into your emotional experience.  Relational Safety Is Essential for Trauma Healing Trauma recovery always requires emotional containment, corrective relationships, and proper attunement. Support groups can offer connection and community, but they aren’t often designed to hold your unique pacing needs, your trauma history, and your attachment needs. Therapy creates a stable and relational environment where your nervous system can slowly learn (and trust) safety again. Groups often can’t provide that depth of containment, regardless of who is running the meetings. The environment simply isn't built for it. Narcissistic Abuse Support Groups Are Not a Replacement for Trauma Processing Narcissistic abuse is trauma. More specifically, it is a severe form of relational trauma. This type of trauma doesn’t just live in conscious memory, and is additionally encoded in the body and relational expectations. Because of this, it cannot be fully resolved through validation, insight, or connection alone, even though those are essential components of healing. Bottom-up therapy modalities such as EMDR , Internal Family Systems (IFS), and Coherence Therapy work directly with how traumatic memory is stored and organized in the brain and nervous system. These approaches support memory reconsolidation and nervous system recalibration. In other words, they help the brain update outdated data and restore a sense of internal safety. This is very different from talking about trauma. It is the process of helping the body and brain no longer live inside it. Support groups normalize experiences, but trauma therapy processes it in a way that is vital. Both can be valuable, but only trauma therapy is structured to create the neurobiological and relational conditions necessary for true trauma integration and long-term nervous system shifts. Support groups can be a powerful complement, but they are not in any way a substitute for trauma treatment. They can, unfortunately, even be harmful and retraumatizing if entertained too soon.  Dysregulation Can Sometimes Create Unintentional Harm In group spaces, your story must be shared in fragments. You may not get the continuity or depth needed for true integration. Proper processing often requires us to revisit the same themes and slow down WAYYYY down. That level of depth is hard to achieve when space is shared among too many people. Especially when many support spaces naturally attract people who are still in acute pain. That’s not wrong—it’s completely human, but it can lead to things like: Comparison Rushing Interrupting Competition over “severity” Invalidation Gatekeeping Pressure to conform to one narrative These dynamics aren’t malicious or intentional. They’re symptoms of unprocessed trauma, but they can quietly undermine relational safety. We don’t mean to discourage anyone from joining a group. Just be cautious and understand the limitations of each kind of care. They often work best when they complement each other—not when one replaces the other. The Difference Between Narcissistic Abuse Group Therapy & Narcissistic Abuse Support Groups It’s also important to distinguish between support groups and group therapy. They are often spoken about interchangeably, but they are not the same. Group therapy is led by a licensed clinician who is trained to monitor safety, regulate group dynamics, and intervene when interactions become harmful or retraumatizing. This clinical structure matters, especially in trauma work. For that reason, we generally don't recommend support groups that are not facilitated by a licensed professional. While peer-led spaces can feel validating, they lack the training and containment needed to manage dysregulation, unhealthy comparison, or inadvertent harm. EMDR Therapy, Narcissistic Abuse Therapy, Couples Therapy, Family Therapy & More in Chicago, IL If you’re looking for narcissistic abuse recovery therapy and EMDR therapy in Chicago or the surrounding suburbs, working with a trauma-informed, narcissism specialist can make all the difference. Learn more about my narcissistic abuse and narcissism-focused services: Narcissistic Abuse Therapy EMDR for Narcissistic Abuse Narcissistic Abuse Intensive Sessions Therapy for Narcissistic Personality Disorder Virtual EMDR for Attachment Trauma in Chicago If you are trying to find EMDR therapy for C-PTSD, or complex trauma in Chicago (or anywhere in Illinois), you’re welcome to reach out. We're happy to help you explore whether Somatic & Attachment-Focused EMDR feels like the right fit for your needs. Contact Two Lights Therapy Center  to learn more about somatic and attachment-focused EMDR therapy and how we can support your recovery. Want to work with a specialist?  Virtual Sessions with Erika  can be scheduled by emailing: hello@twolightstherapy.com  or by visiting:   https://www.twolightstherapy.com/contact       Two Lights Therapy Center PLLC | Chicago, Illinois. Therapist Specializing in Narcissistic Abuse & High-Conflict Relational Dynamics Please Note: The information provided in these blog posts is for informational and educational purposes only. It is not intended to be a substitute for professional therapy or therapeutic services. While these blogs are written by licensed psychotherapists, readers should not use this content as a replacement for individualized advice or treatment. If you are experiencing a crisis or need immediate assistance, please call 911 or contact other emergency services in your area.

What’s the Difference Between Narcissistic Behaviors & Behaviors Associated with Certain Attachment Styles? Even to the well-trained eye, certain insecure attachment patterns can appear to be highly narcissistic. This is especially true when there are high levels of reactivity, selfishness, or blunted emotions. What’s important to consider is that while narcissistic tendencies are deeply woven into the structure of personality, attachment patterns are more fluid and more easily influenced by trauma-informed therapies.  It can be difficult to accept how stable temperament/personality can be. We all love to believe that significant change is possible with hard work, but when it comes time to make those big changes, typically, personality styles endure. People with narcissistic personality styles attempt to find safety and avoid shame by exploiting and degrading others. Influenced by both nature and nurture, narcissistic personalities are often a result of early trauma, severe neglect, or even certain flavors of really poor parenting. What often looks like callousness or arrogance in narcissistic individuals is actually part of how they try to regulate a shaky sense of self-worth (through entitlement, control, and emotional distancing). In most cases, there is nothing that can be done to help a narcissistic person unless they are deeply dedicated to life-long trauma therapy (and aren’t just lying about being dedicated to life-long trauma therapy…) On the other hand, attachment styles can slide around a little. Think of attachment styles as our human-vessel security systems. They all work a bit differently, but the goal is the same: stay safe, regulate, find connection, & avoid pain. When discussing insecure attachment styles, I often suggest the visual of a bodyguard or bouncer who is maybe a little too passionate about their job. With the right help, attachment styles can be rewired (like the bodyguard/bouncer getting proper de-escalation training). Once tools and skills are learned, clients with insecure attachment styles are able to do the hard (but important) work required to become more securely attached. But it takes time & practice! Can Someone Be Both a Narcissist and Fearful-Avoidant? Yes, and this is where things can get especially confusing. While narcissism and fearful-avoidant attachment aren’t the same, there is an overlap in the associated behaviors. A person can have narcissistic traits and  also struggle with disorganized attachment. In fact, some of the leading specialists on attachment argue that MOST narcissists are fearful avoidants, not dismissive avoidants (as many believe). That said, this is still hotly debated.  Fearful avoidants desperately seek connection but often become cold, resentful, and defensive the moment vulnerability or criticism arises. They may also sabotage intimacy to avoid the pain of perceived rejection, all while accusing others of being incapable or unsafe. When this happens, it’s easy to feel like you’re in a relationship with a narcissist, even if the core issue is actually deep-rooted fear rather than a fixed lack of empathy. Of course, it’s important to consider that abuse is abuse, regardless of “why” someone is acting or behaving a certain way. Anyone with any attachment style is capable of abuse, and there is no excuse.  How Narcissistic Traits Can Show Up in Any Attachment Style When we hear “narcissist”, most of us think of someone cold, “evil”, arrogant, and emotionally unavailable. The truth is that narcissistic traits like extreme entitlement, self-centeredness, or a lack of empathy can show up in people with any  attachment style, especially when they're activated or in distress. Attachment theory explains how we relate to others, especially in close relationships, based on our early attachment and attunement experiences. When our nervous systems perceive danger/distress, we all have protective strategies—and sometimes those strategies can look  really narcissistic, even when they're not rooted in a truly narcissistic personality. For example: An anxiously attached  person may become preoccupied with their own needs for reassurance and inadvertently overlook (or trample) their partner’s boundaries. They may go through your phone, demand your attention in inappropriate ways, or even ruin special events because they aren’t capable of better regulating themselves when they really should be able to. A dismissive avoidant individual may shut down emotionally, dismiss others' needs, or act superior as a way to protect themselves from vulnerability. It’s not unusual for dismissive avoidants to ghost people in a very antisocial manner when the ghosting was far from necessary. A fearful-avoidant  (disorganized) person may swing between clinginess and coldness, creating chaos that feels confusing or even unsafe. Disorganized individuals are often HIGHLY reactive, prompting concern from your loved ones and friends who notice and find their behavior exhausting. Both types of avoidants may also cheat to create more “emotional distance” from you. All of the imaginary individuals referenced above are also capable of incredible levels of verbal abuse, such as chronic name-calling, loudly weaponizing insecurities, and endless cursing. While these behaviors can resemble narcissism on the surface, the motivation underneath is different. Narcissism is marked by a deep, inflexible lack of empathy and a need to control others. Attachment-driven behaviors, on the other hand, are rooted in fears of rejection and abandonment. That said, some (most) of the behaviors mentioned above are, by definition, abusive. Fear is powerful and can be the root of many maladaptive behaviors. Understanding Fearful-Avoidant Attachment (Disorganized Attachment) Fearful-avoidant attachment! One of my favorite attachment styles to work with. Sometimes called disorganized attachment (I actually prefer this term), fearful avoidants are some of the most misunderstood individuals. Let's dive in deeper. Often, you’ll hear this attachment style described as the style that “fears intimacy, but craves connection at the same time”, and that is PART of the story; however, it can feel like an oversimplification. Fearful avoidants jump around on their own spectrum and can be both anxious preoccupied and dismissive avoidant. This spectrum is vast and complex, leaving both FA individuals and their loved ones stumped much of the time. No two fearful avoidants are quite the same, but I will do my best to explain more consistent themes. People with disorganized attachment (remember—it’s the same thing as fearful avoidance) desperately want to be seen, heard, and understood. The problem is, these desires run so deep that they often expect you to read their mind, anticipate all their needs, and see into the deepest depths of their soul. This intense (and unrealistic) need for closeness often quickly leads to disappointment, and the disappointment often triggers hypervigilance: “Does this person REALLY care about me?” “Is this person capable of loving me the way I need to be loved?” “If you don’t get this, do you really get me at all?” “Are my emotions going to feel like too much for this person? Will they leave me? I bet they’ve already considered doing that…now I'm mad. I'll leave you first.”  Their desire for closeness paired with their fear of betrayal/abandonment often leads to a push-pull dynamic in relationships. Underneath this push-pull is often a nervous system wired for survival, shaped by early experiences of love that were unpredictable, unsafe, or conditional. They often struggle to trust others and  also themselves. When conflict arises, they may become quickly dysregulated, lashing out, shutting down, or switching between protest behaviors and retreat. This hot-and-cold behavior is usually a sign of emotional overwhelm and their own confusion.  This attachment style can be especially confusing because it really can mimic narcissistic behavior really beautifully, especially given the sudden emotional withdrawal, reactive anger, or hypersensitivity to criticism. But again, the root  is different. While narcissism centers on control and grandiosity, fearful avoidance is rooted in terror: of being hurt, of being misunderstood, of losing the person they care about most. Ironic, right? How Fearful-Avoidants Can Heal & What Makes It So Hard Fearful avoidants are some of the fastest emotional processors. It’s very, very impressive to “watch them work”. Their entire lives, they have put everything under a microscope, and that microscope has a very negative bias on the lens. People with disorganized attachment are truly the ninjas of the attachment world, and they are ready to save themselves however they must. Relational, trauma-informed therapy is so important for these clients because of their understandable difficulties with trust. It’s important to help them recognize, appreciate, and gently shift their adaptations, rather than shaming or criticizing them. This individual's “protective parts” have worked incredibly hard to keep them safe for so much of their lives, and it can be helpful to help them extend some self-gratitude. Revisiting unprocessed trauma with modalities like EMDR or Internal Family Systems work (integrated into relational therapy) can be a great option. Working on fearful-avoidant attachment patterns requires learning nervous system regulating skills (and actually using them), practicing inner reparenting, and finding a willingness to stay present (even when it feels unsafe). This often means learning to tolerate vulnerability, noticing emotional triggers without acting on them , and slowly rebuilding trust with themselves and others. While self-expression is not typically difficult at all for fearful avoidants, learning to respond respectfully and calmly can be difficult. Feeling “weak” or vulnerable is incredibly uncomfortable for them. Self-awareness is also not usually difficult for fearful avoidants, but truly admitting their behaviors are often inappropriate can be a tough pill to swallow. To them, acknowledging that often feels like self-abandonment. Some unique challenges in this process include: Fear of engulfment & fear of abandonment are happening simultaneously Self-sabotage when intimacy feels “too safe”, "cringey", or unfamiliar Shame around being “too much” or “too hard to love” Difficulty discerning real threats/insults/judgments from perceived ones Important Note: There’s Never an Excuse for Abuse While it’s important to understand the roots of fearful-avoidant patterns, insight is not the same as justification. Attachment wounds can explain  why someone behaves in chaotic or self-protective ways, but they do not excuse behaviors that are abusive or controlling.  Fearful-avoidant dynamics can be extremely destabilizing to their partners. The unpredictability and emotional reactivity can mimic narcissistic abuse, leaving loved ones feeling gaslighted, confused, and drained. No matter how much someone has been wounded by their past, it is their responsibility to do the work of healing rather than continuing cycles of harm. Therapy that focuses on relational safety, somatic awareness, and attachment repair is essential. How to Navigate Conflict with a Fearful-Avoidant Partner When you’re in a relationship with a fearful-avoidant partner, it can feel like walking on eggshells. You’re never quite sure which version of them you’ll get. They might beg you not to leave, then they may tell you to get lost when things get vulnerable.  One of the main challenges I see arise in my practice is people assuming that once conflict has begun, they should immediately jump to making their fearful-avoidant partner feel seen, heard, and understood. That’s the goal, right? That's what they want? That is their core need! Well, here’s the thing... Once a fearful avoidant partner starts to feel overwhelmed, they may move closer to their dismissive avoidant side, adopting more of those DA tendencies rather suddenly. It can look similar to the "splitting" one might expect with certain personality disorders. Once they begin having deactivating thoughts like...  “This relationship isn’t right for me.” “I don’t even like them anymore.” "I feel so trapped and honestly kind of icked out right now. I wouldn't feel like this if I really cared about this person..." "They're totally going to leave me anyway. I should just end this. This is stupid and a waste of my time." "Someone who loves me wouldn't act like this." “Everything feels wrong…a relationship shouldn’t feel like this. I shouldn't feel confused." I need to get out of here and respect my intuition.” ...they are going to be much less receptive to the intimate act of being seen, heard, and understood by you. While they may have, at one point, wanted your reassurance, what they "need" now more than ever might be space. Until their nervous system begins to regulate itself, any attempt at connection could push them further away. Those deactivating thoughts are the brain's way of justifying behaviors and creating distance from the pain of conflict. The thoughts aren't true, but they guide the individual away from the perceived threat— you. "To safety!", their attachment style says... It’s important to offer love & support, but also offer options to avoid leaving them feeling trapped, cornered, or stuck. Fearful avoidants often require someone with a secure attachment to model appropriate behaviors (behaviors they likely didn’t witness in childhood).  Some strategies that help: Don’t chase when they withdraw—but don’t retaliate, either.  Calm, consistent presence (without pressure) creates safety. Offer appropriate amounts of space or time alone if you can while maintaining your own boundaries. Avoid shaming or accusing language.  They’re already anticipating judgment. At this point, criticism will feel considerably worse than usual. Name the impact while affirming care.  Example: “I know you shut down when you're overwhelmed, and I am hearing you say you want to break up. I'm sure ending our relationship would make you feel better temporarily, but that's really painful for me to hear and consider. I can't begin to imagine how you feel right now, but I'd love to better understand at some point when you're ready to talk. You're important to me." OR "When you put your walls up like this, I feel cut off and alone. I’m not here to hurt you—I want us to be able to talk through things together, but I will give you space right now if that is what you need. I do not have any desire to control you or make you stay somewhere that feels limiting. You are your own person, but I like it when we are a team, too.” Regulate yourself first.  When you're grounded, it helps soothe their fear-driven reactions. Model Self-Respect. If the fearful avoidant partner begins to insult you, punch below the belt, or get dysregulated, remove yourself from the situation calmly. Ultimately, you can’t fix  a fearful-avoidant partner. But you can set boundaries, communicate openly, and decide whether the relationship is sustainable as-is, or whether their healing needs to happen outside of the relationship. The Unfortunate Pattern That Leads to Game Playing We’ve talked a lot about the more dismissive avoidant side of a disorganized individual, but what about their anxious preoccupied tendencies? After spending a lot of time in a relationship with a fearful avoidant, you may notice a pattern emerging. When you pull back, they come running. Top speed. Because I preach authenticity, healthy communication, and secure attachment habits, I don’t often explore this pattern too deeply in my sessions for fear that it may be weaponized. But the reality is, because that pendulum can swing back and forth, people with disorganized attachment typically WILL chase if they perceive abandonment, an increase in self-respect/firmer boundaries, or like they’ve “messed up”.  If you decide you’ve had enough and walk away from this kind of relationship or agree with their demands to break up (calmly, quietly, respectfully), more often than not, you should be prepared for your avoidant partner to reemerge. It can be days, weeks, months, or even years, but remember that until deeper work has occurred, this cycle may start all over again (with you or with the next person).  When to Seek Support: Therapy for Complex Relational Patterns If you’ve been in a relationship where you’re constantly questioning what’s real, wondering whether someone is being manipulative, or struggling with your own reactivity, therapy can help you get on track. As a therapist who specializes in narcissistic abuse and attachment trauma, I help clients unpack these patterns with care and nuance.  Get Started With An Attachment-Theory Specialist: I’m a Chicago-based therapist who specializes in narcissistic abuse recovery and attachment trauma. I use an integrative, relational, attachment-focused approach with EMDR when appropriate. If this sounds like a good fit,  reach out here . Attachment Style Therapy: https://www.twolightstherapy.com/attachment-styles-therapy Attachment Therapy for Couples: https://www.twolightstherapy.com/couples-therapy-for-attachment-styles Narcissistic Abuse Therapy: https://www.twolightstherapy.com/narcissistic-abuse-therapy Narcissistic Abuse Intensives: https://www.twolightstherapy.com/narcissistic-abuse-intensives EMDR for Narcissistic Abuse: https://www.twolightstherapy.com/emdr-for-narcissistic-abuse Therapy for Antagonistic Relationship Challenges: https://www.twolightstherapy.com/therapy-for-antagonistic-relationships   Two Lights Therapy Center PLLC | Chicago, Illinois. Narcissistic Abuse Recovery Therapy Please Note: The information provided in these blog posts is for informational and educational purposes only. It is not intended to be a substitute for professional therapy or therapeutic services. While licensed psychotherapists write these blogs, readers should not use this content as a replacement for individualized advice or treatment. If you are experiencing a crisis or need immediate assistance, please call 911 or contact other emergency services in your area.