What Is a Narcissistic Smear Campaign? A narcissistic smear campaign (often a result of narcissistic injury or narcissistic collapse) is an intentional, antagonistic, calculated attempt to discredit you, isolate you, and undermine your credibility—often after you've set a boundary or ended a relationship. It’s not some kind of "harmless gossip" or “their side of the story.” It’s psychological warfare dressed up as “concern” or "a warning." It is relational aggression at its finest, manipulation 101, and it can be one of the most disruptive forces during recovery.  Common Places Narcissistic Smear Campaigns Show Up Smear campaigns aren’t just launched online or behind closed doors. They can be carried out in any space you identify with and within your closest support systems. Most often, we will see smear campaigns launched at your job, in your family, in your social circles, or within your chosen communities. What makes narcissistic smear campaigns so excruciating is that they often target the people, communities, and values you care about the MOST. Workplaces:  Whisper campaigns, bad mouthing/character assassinations, or accusations of misconduct, doubt-planting. Families:  Rewriting the narrative to cast you as unstable, dramatic, or abusive (sometimes scapegoated!). Friend Groups:  Triangulation, exclusion, group chats, and strategic storytelling. Religious Communities:  Moral accusations or spiritual manipulation to tarnish your reputation. Support Systems:  Using therapy language to position you as the "problem" or someone unreliable & disturbed who desperately “needs help.” Social Media:  One of the most common modern tools for public shaming, "cancellation", and the spreading of false narratives. How to Respond to a Narcissistic Smear Campaign The urge to quickly defend yourself is natural, and sometimes, it is appropriate. You do what you gotta do. However, it is best to regulate before taking action, as it’s important to consider whether you may unintentionally fall into a trap . Your (understandably) big reaction can further paint you as someone “disturbed” or “untrustworthy" if doubt was already planted. I KNOW—IT’S SO UNFAIR & MESSED UP. Always remember, both positive AND negative attention fuel narcissistic individuals. Even justice-oriented approaches might backfire.  What’s that quote?: “ Never wrestle with pigs. You both get dirty and the pig likes it” (Shaw, n.d.). We’ll call this “Option 0”, but here are some other options to consider: Option 1: Ignore the Smear Campaign & Protect Your Peace Sometimes the most powerful thing you can do is nothing (Ugh I know—not what you want to hear). When the narcissist doesn’t get a reaction, their tactics often lose momentum or they might even just get bored. Trust that the people who truly know you will see through the noise and nonsense. You don’t need to explain or justify your side to everyone. People aren’t as gullible as you might expect. Even if they engage with the slander, most people have a little red flag pop up when someone speaks ill of someone they know to be pretty reasonable (on average).  Option 2: Stand Firm in Your Truth After Narcissistic Abuse Knowing that someone is constantly spreading lies about you can make you feel like you’re losing your mind. You may even act like you're losing your mind, and that is to be expected! It's okay! Ground yourself in your truth. Spend time with good people. Speak (and live) your truth quietly and clearly, remembering that confidence is quiet. Journaling, trauma-informed therapy, and leaning into safe relationships can help remind you: you’re not crazy —you’re being targeted. Calm & clarity often comes with time, regulation, and not confrontation. Option 3: Legal Options for Narcissistic Smear Campaigns No one has the right to make you feel unsafe. If the smear campaign is impacting your livelihood or safety, there are legal options to consider : Defamation  includes: Libel  – written falsehoods (emails, social media posts, letters) Slander  – spoken falsehoods (conversations, voicemails, public comments) You typically must prove with evidence that: The statements were false They were shared with others They caused harm (reputation, employment, etc.) So KEEP THOSE RECEIPTS! If the narcissist is making repeated, unwanted contact—or encouraging others to harass or smear you— a restraining order may also be an option , especially if their behavior meets the legal definition of stalking. It’s always wise to consult with a lawyer, even just for peace of mind.  Final Thoughts: You Don’t Have to Prove Yourself to Everyone As a therapist who specializes in narcissism, I am no stranger to a smear campaign. My clients’ narcissistic partners often don’t like them seeing a therapist who might help them break away. Clients struggling with narcissistic tendencies don’t always love being gently challenged, even when that’s eventually the goal of therapy. While, thankfully, it isn’t a regular occurrence, I face serious threats and attempts at “retaliation” every so often. If there’s anything I’ve learned, it’s this: Narcissistic individuals do not like it when you start making a little too much sense, but you cannot linger on eggshells forever. You have a right to be seen, heard, and understood. You have the right to advocate for yourself and others. In fact, we often MUST face the fear. That doesn’t mean you won’t flinch—remember, no one tells us that bravery often feels like fear.  You don’t need to win a debate to know who you are. A narcissistic smear campaign is an extreme, desperate attempt to control a narrative—but the truth has a way of always resurfacing, even when you say nothing. Whether you choose silence, support, or legal action, you are not alone . And by the way, a smear campaign isn't a power move—it's weirdo behavior. Let that reframe sink in for a bit. It's important not to think of narcissistic individuals as all-powerful, all-seeing gods, even though it often feels like they're in every room with us in our minds. We can reduce that feeling with therapy. Stay strong! Stay safe! Take measures to protect yourself. Learn about our narcissistic personality & narcissistic abuse recovery services at Two Lights Therapy Center PLLC : https://www.twolightstherapy.com/ Want to book a session with a therapist who specializes in narcissistic abuse therapy?  Virtual Sessions for survivors can be scheduled by emailing: hello@twolightstherapy.com  or by visiting:   https://www.twolightstherapy.com/contact     Two Lights Therapy Center PLLC | Chicago, Illinois Narcissistic Abuse Recovery Specialist & Psychotherapist Please Note: The information provided in these blog posts is for informational and educational purposes only. It is not intended to be a substitute for professional therapy or therapeutic services. While these blogs are written by licensed psychotherapists, readers should not use this content as a replacement for individualized advice or treatment. If you are experiencing a crisis or need immediate assistance, please call 911 or contact other emergency services in your area.

Understanding Dismissive Avoidant Attachment I’m gonna keep it real with you guys 👀. Website analytics are showing that my dismissive avoidant blogs are getting a lot of clicks! So, I’m going to give the people more of what they want, but I want to balance things out a bit. Today, let’s look at the things dismissive avoidants do really well.  Sorry—I'm a strengths-focused therapist—this was bound to happen. (Stay tuned for more blogs on fearful avoidant attachment and anxious preoccupied attachment—they’re coming soon.) But let’s start with a gentle reminder: attachment styles aren’t flaws or some kind of illness—they’re actually adaptations. It’s kind of amazing what the brain and body will do/can do to keep us safe. Say, "Thank you, body! Thank you, soul-vessel!". Attachment patterns form early in life as survival strategies, shaped by the environments we grow up in and the “objects” around us (people & relationships). From there, attachment styles develop and adjust based on a variety of factors, including (but not limited to) the level of emotional attunement we received from caregivers, whether our emotional needs were met consistently, and how we processed traumatic experiences like neglect, abuse, or abandonment. When connection felt unpredictable or unsafe, our nervous systems learned quickly. For dismissive avoidants, that often meant learning to rely on themselves, limit their self-expression, avoid vulnerability, stay useful, minimize their own needs, and find safety in space. When we talk about this style, it’s not about putting anyone in a box. Instead, it’s about understanding why someone might show up the way they do, and looking at the full picture—including the strengths that often get overlooked (because everyone is always bullying the DA's!).  **If you’re going through a breakup with a DA, don’t read this one—it’s gonna make you feel bad (or mad). There are so many other blogs to explore! 😅 Key Strengths of the Dismissive Avoidant While these key strengths can also cause other abilities to be a bit more underdeveloped, they can be utilized as important tools while moving toward secure attachment. Keep in mind, these are all strengths AND challenges in their own ways—being a dismissive avoidant isn’t easy or carefree.  Radical Independence & Self-Sufficiency One of the most obvious (and often admired) strengths of someone with a dismissive avoidant attachment style is their fierce independence. These folks are often HIGHLY self-reliant, capable, competent, and able to “handle life” on their own without needing constant reassurance or excessive support from others. While this can sometimes create distance in relationships if unchecked, it’s also a huge asset in areas like career and personal decision-making. That said, hyperindividualism can be lonely, and DA's can always work on accepting more help from those around them. Adaptability in Big Life Transitions Dismissive avoidants tend to handle big transitions—like moving to a new city, starting a new job, or solo traveling—with much more ease than others. Certain kinds of change that might feel overwhelming or overstimulating for someone more anxiously attached can feel energizing and freeing for an avoidant-leaning nervous system. There’s a grounded, practical quality that helps them adapt quickly and stay focused in the midst of chaos. (That said, get to therapy so you can process any repressed emotions that may still be unconsciously impacting you when life feels like too much.) Solitude as a Source of Strength While many people dread being alone, dismissive avoidants often thrive in it and find it to be peaceful. They’re not just okay with solitude—they genuinely enjoy it, often more than socializing. Time alone can be recharging, and in that space, they can reconnect with themselves without all the noise of external pressure or emotional demands. We can all learn something from this. Focused Work Ethic & Emotional Compartmentalization Many dismissive avoidants throw themselves into their work—and they’re really, really good at it if we are being honest with ourselves. Their ability to compartmentalize emotions and set stress aside can allow for deep focus and productivity. While this can sometimes (often) become a way to avoid vulnerability, it’s also what makes them reliable, efficient, and driven in professional settings. They’re often the people who stay calm under pressure, figure things out in the fog, and get things done when others are spinning out (or crashing out). It’s easy to be envious of their seemingly effortless ability to “take their mind off” anything in their way.  Effective (If Imperfect) Self-Regulation Strategies While anxious types might seek excessive co-regulation through others (even coercing others into taking more responsibility for their emotions), dismissive avoidants are often masters of finding something  that works for them, even if it’s not the most emotionally nourishing regulation option. Whether it’s zoning out with music, diving into a project, driving around, going for a long run, or just taking space, they’ve usually developed some tried-and-true, go-to strategies to help themselves feel more stabilized. These methods may not always lead to deep healing or processing, but they do offer short-term relief and a sense of control, which is something many other attachment styles struggle to find.  ~ In Conclusion ~: Moving from Adaptation to Intention It’s easy to pathologize attachment styles, especially when they negatively impact relationships. But underneath every pattern is a nervous system that did what it needed to survive. For dismissive avoidants, that often meant harnessing strength, focus, and the ability to stand alone. These traits aren’t flaws—they’re gifts. And when paired with self-awareness and a willingness to grow, they can create deeply meaningful and balanced relationships, too. Dismissive avoidant clients are actually some of my favorite clients to work with (jk we can't have favorites—you're all my favorite), and they do some really awesome work in the treatment room. 🤩 We can all work on being more understanding, and we all have a lot to learn from one another. Disclaimer:  There is no justification for abuse, regardless of attachment style or personality disorder. If you need support, please reach out to us at hello@twolightstherapy.com . Looking to learn more about your attachment style & move towards a secure attachment? Read more about Two Lights Therapy Center's approach to treatment: Home Page: https://www.twolightstherapy.com Attachment-Focused Therapy: www.twolightstherapy.com/attachment-styles-therapy Want to work with an attachment theory specialist?  Virtual therapy sessions can be booked by emailing: hello@twolightstherapy.com  or by visiting:   https://www.twolightstherapy.com/contact     Two Lights Therapy Center PLLC | Chicago, Illinois Narcissistic Abuse Recovery Therapy & Attachment Theory Specialists Please Note: The information provided in these blog posts is for informational and educational purposes only. It is not intended to be a substitute for professional therapy or therapeutic services. While these blogs are written by licensed psychotherapists, readers should not use this content as a replacement for individualized advice or treatment. If you are experiencing a crisis or need immediate assistance, please call 911 or contact other emergency services in your area.

A bit about the business: Erika Koch-Weser founded Two Lights Therapy Center in Chicago, Illinois with a mission to address the critical gap in care for individuals impacted by narcissism & narcissistic abuse. Recognizing the scarcity of specialized support in this area, Erika dedicated her practice to providing compassionate, expert guidance to help clients navigate their healing journey and reclaim their sense of self (including clients who are struggling with narcissistic personality styles themselves)! Below, Erika Koch-Weser, LCSW, NATC (Chicago narcissistic abuse therapist) answers a few, common questions about the narcissism specialty. Question: Do you think the word narcissist is overused? Erika: Yes & No. Do I think some people are getting a little wild with it & slapping it on people a little too hastily? Sometimes! That being said, I’m glad people are waking up to the reality that is the existence of narcissism, and exploring the ways it impacts their lives and those around them. I think we have to be really careful that we aren’t censoring folks who are exploring and discussing those impacts. Unless you are directly affected by someone who is truly weaponizing the word “narcissist”, I would say let them be. It may have taken someone a long time to be able to admit they’ve been abused by someone who is narcissistic. There’s no reason to derail their healing journey just because you’re tired of hearing a word. While I don’t mind people using the word, as a therapist, I don’t really think of people as “narcissists” or not narcissists. I think narcissism is a spectrum, and most people know someone who falls somewhere on that spectrum. I’ve found that “narcissist” can sometimes be an unhelpful label unless it’s being used by a survivor of abuse who finds the term to be validating. At the end of the day, it comes down to whether it resonates with the individual. Many behavioral patterns that hurt people daily ARE, in fact, narcissistic by definition. While I don’t love throwing around the word personally, I try to mirror the language of my clients & I never tone police. I think others should do the same. Let someone use the word if they want to.  Question: What made you choose to work with folks who have narcissistic tendencies in addition to working with survivors of narcissistic abuse? Erika: I don’t have a very good answer to this because it’s difficult to put into words. The deeper I’ve gotten into the survivor-side of things, the more I’ve felt drawn to see what work can be done with the perpetrators. The research has always pointed to work with these folks being pointless and, in my experience, it’s simply not always true. While drastic change is not always possible, individuals with narcissistic tendencies are not all the same. It’s way more complex than some care to believe. I sometimes wonder if the more aggressive form of that stereotype is a coping strategy given that hope can be very dangerous for survivors. I get it-- but we (as clinicians) have to stay curious. I want to be clear that narcissistic folks who are actively abusing other people do not get a free pass, and hoping that the narcissistic person in your life is going to change overnight is never wise. This work takes years and ongoing treatment…typically for life. Two things can be true at the same time: there is no excuse for abuse AND there is significant trauma/pain on both sides that can be explored in therapy. Whether or not the work we do together is successful is case-dependent. Question: Do you enjoy your work? It seems heavy. Erika: I love my job. I shudder at the thought of doing anything else. I believe this is because I’ve built my practice & my schedule to support my continued enthusiasm. I’m not the kind of therapist who can see 8 clients a day. I envy those who can, but it isn’t realistic for me, so I keep my caseload low. I find joy in being present & focusing deeply during each session so that each of my clients gets the energy from me that they deserve. This keeps me loving my work & helping clients see results.  Want to work with Erika? Narcissistic Abuse Recovery Sessions for survivors can be booked by emailing: hello@twolightstherapy.com   Two Lights Therapy Center | Chicago, Illinois. Narcissistic Personality & Abuse Recovery Specialists Disclaimer:  The information provided in these blog posts is for informational and educational purposes only. It is not intended to be a substitute for professional therapy or therapeutic services. Readers should not use this content as a replacement for individualized advice or treatment. If you are experiencing a crisis or need immediate assistance, please call 911 or contact other emergency services in your area.

Understanding yourself starts with understanding how you learned to stay safe and connect. When people first come to therapy, they’re often experiencing these patterns that they can’t quite explain. Maybe they keep ending up in similar relationships, or they often feel triggered by the same (seemingly small) things/events/behaviors. What many people don’t realize is that these patterns usually aren’t random, and those triggers don’t just speak to some unimportant “quirk”. They’re rooted in something much, much deeper: our attachment systems and core beliefs. That’s why my work as a therapist is sooooo attachment-focused (I literally never shut up about it). Understanding your attachment style and exploring attachment theory/attachment trauma isn’t just interesting—it’s often the missing link to the deeper insight so many of us have been craving. It scratches that "need to understand" itch. Sometimes we need to intellectualize a little bit before we are able to feel things more deeply. In my therapeutic space, you have permission to get curious in this way first. As a little treat. :) What Is Attachment Theory? Attachment theory (in a nutshell) is the study of how we learn to bond, connect, and regulate emotions—starting in childhood. The way our caregivers responded to us helped shape the beliefs we formed about ourselves, others, and relationships. It is my belief that this formation doesn’t begin and end here, but that attachment styles can morph and shift when we are exposed to intense trauma (and do not have the opportunity to process it). The body of research on attachment theory is vast and growing, supplying us with plenty of information to fuel great therapeutic work!  Your Early Bonds Shape Your Present Patterns Were your early needs met consistently? Did you feel safe, soothed, understood, and seen by your caregivers? Did you get enough hugs and words of affirmation?Or did you maybe learn to shut down, cling, run, hide, avoid, fawn, or distrust? Our early experiences unfortunately don’t stay in the past. They show up in: Adult relationships Our sex lives Friendships Conflict patterns The way we self-soothe Our realtionships with intimacy How we experience vulnerability, kindness, love and trust What Is Attachment Trauma? Attachment trauma is complex, and it will always look slightly different for each of us. That said, the themes are often the same, and it can be somewhat humbling to recognize the consistency in attachment wounding patterns. Attachment trauma is what happens when your need for connection and safety is consistently met with relational pain, fear, antagonism, inconsistency, or rejection. These don't need to be extreme or obvious, unfortunately, and a simple (yet consistent) lack of emotional attunement can be very damaging all on its own. Over time, our experiences create deep-seated, unrelenting beliefs like: “I’m too much.” “No one really cares about my thoughts or feelings.” “I really can’t count on anyone.” "I'm weird and defective. “Relationships aren’t worth it.” “I’d be stupid to share how I really feel.” “If I get close, I’ll get hurt.” "They won't like the real me." Our early pain and these beliefs drive our adult behavior—whether we become avoidant (dismissive avoidant attachment), anxious (anxious preoccupied attachment), or feel completely disorganized in relationships (fearful avoidant attachment/disorganized attachment). Why I Focus on Attachment in Therapy I don’t just treat surface-level symptoms or bandaid up any bullet wounds. I help you get to the roots—the deep relational wounding that drives how you relate to others and yourself. When we focus on attachment trauma, we can finally understand: Why you’re drawn to certain relationship dynamics Why it’s so hard to break old patterns What’s underneath the feeling of “stuckness” Why you feel unaligned with the life you'd like to create Why true happiness doesn’t feel attainable Which main, core beliefs are holding you back How Attachment Style Therapy Leads to Life-Altering Change Once you understand your attachment style, everything starts to click and the puzzle pieces fall right into place. You can name your patterns, track your triggers, and—most importantly—make different life and relationship choices. This clarity allows for: More secure relationships Stronger emotional regulation Deeper self-compassion and confidence This psychoeducation, combined with approaches like EMDR and parts work, goes beyond basic therapeutic insight. It helps you rewire your attachment blueprint and helps you feel safe (and educated) enough to choose differently—whether that be choices related to partnerships, friendships, life transitions, career moves etc. A quick note: When I talk about attachment styles and early relationship patterns, this is never  about blaming you—or anyone—for the ways you’ve learned to survive. Understanding your attachment style is not about finding fault or weakness. It’s about compassionately tracing back to the roots of your challenges so you can make sense of what’s felt confusing or painful in your life so far. This work isn’t about blaming you for your choices or pain. It’s about helping you find the power to shift the patterns that no longer serve you. The Bottom Line Attachment theory helps us understand attachment trauma—and understanding our attachment trauma helps us understand ourselves. Once we’ve secured that clarity, we can finally begin to shift what’s been keeping us stuck—and move toward a life that feels safe, balanced, fun, and grounded. Looking for therapy to address your attachment style & to help you move towards a secure attachment style? Read more about how Two Lights Therapy Center approaches treatment:   https://www.twolightstherapy.com/ https://www.twolightstherapy.com/attachment Want to work with an attachment specialist for therapy?  Virtual Sessions with Erika can be booked by emailing: hello@twolightstherapy.com  or by visiting:   https://www.twolightstherapy.com/contact   Two Lights Therapy Center PLLC | Chicago, Illinois. Narcissism & Attachment Style Therapist Please Note: The information provided in these blog posts is for informational and educational purposes only. It is not intended to be a substitute for professional therapy or therapeutic services. While these blogs are written by licensed psychotherapists, readers should not use this content as a replacement for individualized advice or treatment. If you are experiencing a crisis or need immediate assistance, please call 911 or contact other emergency services in your area.

How to Break a Trauma Bond After Narcissistic Abuse The painful truth is that sometimes we need  to let go of someone if they continually cause us pain, even if part of us doesn't want to. If we can all acknowledge this as fact, then why is it that when push comes to shove and we TRY to let go, it may feel like our entire body is SCREAMING, “Don’t!”?   If you’ve been on an emotional roller coaster with this person for a while (high highs and low lows), it’s very possible you’re experiencing the painful power of a trauma bond. Trauma bonds are not limited to romantic relationships and can be a part of any relational dynamic. In other blogs, I dive deeper into what trauma bonds are and the science of trauma bonding (linked at the end!).  For now, here is what you need to know: Breaking a trauma bond — especially one formed in a narcissistic relationship — isn’t just about logic. It is so much deeper and more complicated — and that is why there is no quick fix. You can get unhooked in time, but it’s important to offer yourself grace and reduce any shame you have around these complex feelings. We’re going to be sitting in this feeling for a while, but you don’t have to fight your fears on your own. In fact, they are welcome here — and I am happy to help you (contact info at the end!).  What Is a Trauma Bond? Let’s review. A trauma bond forms when many moments of affection are mixed with or followed by emotional abuse, creating a cycle of dependence, hope, and fear. Narcissistically abusive relationships activate our old attachment wounds — often from childhood — and reinforce the belief that love must be earned through suffering.  Trauma bonds are not a sign of weakness. They’re often just a nervous system response to inconsistent care and emotional neglect, especially when those patterns are familiar. You can blame neuroscience instead of yourself — or your parents if that helps (kidding...kind of). Why It Takes Time to Break Free One of the most painful parts of recovery is wondering why you're still stuck. Why you still think about them. Why you still crave closure. Why you still want to be chosen. Those feelings and questions are welcome in my therapeutic space. Here’s what you need to know: Breaking a trauma bond after narcissistic abuse is a process. Sometimes a long one. The pull you feel isn’t just about the person — it’s about the unmet attachment needs, core beliefs, and past adaptive patterns they have triggered. That kind of healing doesn’t happen in a single session, a single day, or a single month. It takes time (and you’re allowed to take that time). It’s important to consider that our true "healing" can, at times, take as long as it took for us to arrive at this point in time. We are constantly evolving & growing — and that is a beautiful thing.  (Side note, but related, I swear: I once heard someone say something to the effect of, "Winners forget they are in the race — they just win because they love running." And I think that applies to this kind of healing too. We don't have to LOVE the process; however, in time, doing great work in therapy can be so satisfying that you forget why you were even trying to race through it in the beginning. Not all of this journey is painful & you will "win" one day without even trying. So many of my clients experience this shift & it is a beautiful thing to witness.) Okay, I'll stop with that before it broaches toxic positivity boundaries. :) Let Go of Shame — It’s Keeping You Attached Shame is the glue that keeps trauma bonds intact. You might catch yourself thinking:  “I should’ve known better.” , “Why can’t I just move on?” , “There must be something wrong with me.” The harsh reality is that these thoughts don’t help — they can actually prolong your process in excess. While we can always make room for these fears and concerns, without offering ourselves grace as well, we are continuing the work that the narcissistic person did (even when they are off the clock). These repetitive thoughts deepen our attachment wounds, add fuel to the fire, and make it harder to trust your own ability to heal. The best parts of recovery begin when we shift from self-blame to self-compassion. You didn’t choose this pain. But you can choose to understand it gently and patiently. How EMDR Therapy For Narcissistic Abuse Helps Untangle the Bond A powerful way to break free from a trauma bond is by addressing the beliefs that keep you tethered to the past. EMDR for narcissistic abuse (Eye Movement Desensitization and Reprocessing) helps you access core wounds and the emotional roots of those beliefs. The beliefs might sound like:  “If I’m not chosen, I’m unlovable .” , “ I’m not strong, and I need their apology to move on.”  , & “ I am worthless and too much. This is the best love I’ll ever get.” Through EMDR, we can reprocess painful memories (and their accompanying beliefs) to release the emotional charge that keeps you feeling sick and stuck. This work is especially helpful for healing attachment trauma, building self-worth/self-compassion, and developing internal/relational safety — so you no longer feel the need to chase external validation. Using EMDR and Parts Work to Heal Trauma Bonds After Narcissistic Abuse In my work, I often integrate parts work  (IFS: Internal Family Systems) into EMDR to support clients who feel emotionally torn — like one part of them knows the relationship was harmful, but another part still longs for the love and validation it offered. By identifying and gently working with these inner parts (versions of ourselves), we can offer compassion to the younger versions who needed that connection to survive. We can also reconnect with the most loving, wise versions of you, seeking their guidance. This approach allows EMDR to go even deeper, helping you lighten not just the memories but also the internal conflicts that are keeping you stuck. You Are Allowed to Heal Slowly Healing from narcissistic abuse doesn’t follow a linear timeline. Some days you’ll feel more “strong”. Others, you’ll feel like you’ve taken ten steps back. That’s okay. The strength is always there — it is not always easy to access when we feel so depleted. Breaking a trauma bond is deep, courageous work — and you don’t have to rush it. In fact, you shouldn’t, given that attempting to speed through healing often leads to key steps being missed.  Ready to start untangling the trauma bond? I offer EMDR therapy for narcissistic abuse recovery and attachment healing in Illinois. Read more about the therapy offered at Two Lights Therapy Center :   https://www.twolightstherapy.com/ Want to continue this conversation?  Virtual Sessions for survivors can be scheduled by emailing: hello@twolightstherapy.com  or by visiting:   https://www.twolightstherapy.com/contact   Other blogs on trauma bonds: https://www.twolightstherapy.com/post/why-sex-with-a-narcissist-feels-so-addictive-and-how-to-break-free https://www.twolightstherapy.com/post/the-simplified-neuroscience-of-trauma-bonds-how-narcissistic-abuse-can-hijack-your-brain-part-1 https://www.twolightstherapy.com/post/part-2-how-a-trauma-bond-forms-and-progresses-through-a-simplified-neuroscience-lens https://www.twolightstherapy.com/post/understanding-the-effects-of-narcissism-what-trauma-bonding-is-what-it-isn-t-in-narcissistic-abus   Two Lights Therapy Center PLLC | Chicago, Illinois Narcissistic Abuse Therapy Experts & EMDR for Narcissistic Abuse Recovery Please Note: The information provided in these blog posts is for informational and educational purposes only. It is not intended to be a substitute for professional therapy or therapeutic services. While these blogs are written by licensed psychotherapists, readers should not use this content as a replacement for individualized advice or treatment. If you are experiencing a crisis or need immediate assistance, please call 911 or contact other emergency services in your area.

Your dismissive avoidant ex FINALLY breaks no-contact. You haven’t felt this good in months. You’ve been hoping they’d finally realize the major mistake they made when they broke up with you—after all, you KNOW they loved you (despite what your friends think). You had a plan, and you knew how you wanted to proceed should this happen—with caution…you were going  to handle things differently this time. But you are so excited, and you have so much to catch them up on! PAUSE. Here’s the problem. Getting back with a dismissive avoidant partner can make you feel elated and euphoric—because maybe this  time will be different. You’ve read books about their attachment style, you’ve watched videos, and you know how to better connect with them this time. Maybe they've finally realized how much they do care. Maybe they’ve really missed you as well and just couldn't articulate it until now. But here’s the truth: it didn't end the first time because of anything you did & without deep inner work, even the most intense reunion will likely follow the same painful pattern. (I’m sorry!)  Why Dismissive Avoidants Lose Feelings After the Honeymoon Phase Here's a not-so-fun fact for you! Dismissive avoidants often come on strong at the start (or the re-start). They're charming, charismatic, present, and even extra vulnerable during this honeymoon phase. But around the 4–6 month mark, something almost always shifts. And we can blame chemistry. For dismissive avoidants, around 4–6 months into a relationship, the brain’s initial surge of dopamine begins to taper off. Of course, this time frame can differ depending on the individual, as there are exceptions. For dismissive avoidants, whose nervous systems are wired to associate closeness with threat/engulfment, this dopamine dip can trigger a need for distance as the relationship shifts from novelty back to vulnerability. Suddenly, they’re pulling away and saying they “lost feelings” (again). This is a predictable neurobiological pattern , not a reflection of your worth—but it certainly hurts all the same. Dismissive Avoidants Want Connection—But Can They Sustain It? Dismissive avoidants crave closeness and connection  just like anyone else. But wanting intimacy isn’t the same as having the tools to maintain and nurture it. When real intimacy begins to develop, many DAs unconsciously start to retreat. They intellectualize. Minimize. Shut down. Dismiss . It’s not that they don’t care—it’s that care feels unsafe  when you don’t have the ability to co-regulate. If your avoidant partner hasn’t done some serious work—like trauma-informed therapy, attachment trauma exploration with a professional, or nervous system regulation work—there’s a high chance they’ll repeat the exact same pattern, no matter how much they claim to have “figured things out” in your time apart. Even if they don't end things this time, they may spend the rest of your relationship or future marriage doubting your compatibility in silence or wondering if there's someone better out there (which is honestly even more terrifying). Getting Back With A Dismissive Avoidant: Can a Dismissive Avoidant Partner Change for Real? The short answer is: yes—but real change doesn’t happen just because they miss you. It happens when they’re willing to confront the fears and core wounds underneath their detachment and attachment style. That takes: consistent self-awareness & awareness of triggers emotional risk-taking & exposure to vulnerability accountability & acceptance of constructive criticism time & patience therapy or coaching with a specialist (find someone good!)  You can't do that work for them (and I know you’ve already tried)—and love alone won't be enough if they’re not equipped to hold connection. (Don’t get mad at me—I’m just the messenger.) If this all feels like too much and you need support, please do not hesitate to reach out. I will include contact information below.  Before You Go Back (Or Text Back): Questions to Ask Yourself First Has this person done the work needed to truly show up  in a relationship—or are you walking back into a familiar cycle, hoping it will hurt less this time (or hoping you can better “manage” things)? Do you really love this person or do you have your own deep attachment wounds that cause you to ache to be chosen by them?  Is this “your person” or are they just someone who made you feel unworthy of love (maybe similar to one of your parents) and offered your nervous system an opportunity to “get it right this time” (MAJOR dopamine hit)? Dismissive avoidants can change. But it’s a long, long, long, long game (sometimes too long)—and until then, reconnection is more likely to reopen old wounds than be a catalyst for a beautiful, new foundation. Hearing this news can suck, but having it offers you the freedom to reconnect (if you must) with the knowledge you need to have for the healthiest expectations when communicating and moving forward. Two Lights Therapy Center is a judgment-free zone. Join me to discuss your unique case and explore your options toward attachment security. All thoughts, feelings, and desires are welcome here. Read more about how Two Lights Therapy Center approaches treatment:   https://www.twolightstherapy.com/ https://www.twolightstherapy.com/attachment Want to work with an attachment specialist for therapy?  Virtual Sessions with Erika can be booked by emailing: hello@twolightstherapy.com  or by visiting:   https://www.twolightstherapy.com/contact     Two Lights Therapy Center | Chicago, Illinois. Narcissism & Attachment Specialists Please Note: The information provided in these blog posts is for informational and educational purposes only. It is not intended to be a substitute for professional therapy or therapeutic services. While these blogs are written by licensed psychotherapists, readers should not use this content as a replacement for individualized advice or treatment. If you are experiencing a crisis or need immediate assistance, please call 911 or contact other emergency services in your area.

What the Research Is Actually Showing Us (From a Trauma Therapist Who Integrates EMDR) EMDR (Eye Movement Desensitization and Reprocessing) is a powerful, unique, and research-backed approach to trauma therapy. Originally utilized mainly for PTSD, EMDR is now used to treat a wide range of mental health challenges and concerns. EMDR therapy helps your brain reprocess painful memories so they no longer feel quite so life-altering, overwhelming, or "stuck". Unlike the talk therapy you normally think of, EMDR taps into your brain’s natural healing processes using bilateral stimulation (like eye movements or tapping!) to unlock, shift, and integrate past trauma. There is a lot less talking in these sessions and a lot more feeling. :) Can EMDR Really Work Virtually? Yep! And not just in theory. Virtual EMDR therapy has been proven to be clinically effective and fully legitimate when done using the right tools and a well-trained therapist. Studies have found no significant differences in treatment outcomes between virtual and in-person EMDR for trauma clients. Recent studies have actually been finding that: Online EMDR is just as effective as in-person EMDR for PTSD and trauma-related challenges. Clients often report equal or even higher levels of comfort doing trauma work from home (especially if they find leaving the house difficult). Bilateral stimulation can be delivered virtually through tapping, visual tracking, or audio tools, without losing therapeutic impact. How Virtual EMDR Actually Works During an online EMDR session, we meet over a secure, HIPAA-compliant video platform (Simple Practice, to be exact!). I’ll guide you (step-by-step) through the process, just like I would in person. I only offer EMDR therapy to clients after a handful of other sessions full of history taking and rapport building, so you don't have to worry about being thrown in right away. Once we do get started, here’s what stays the same and what is adapted for these virtual therapy sessions: What Stays the Same: I use the same EMDR protocol as I would in person You’ll still experience deep emotional processing You will be met with the same level of attunement and support (obviously!) The process still involves phase-based trauma treatment What’s Adapted for Virtual EMDR (not much!): Bilateral stimulation will be offered using screen-based eye movement tools & light bars Grounding and resourcing techniques are slightly tweaked & expanded upon for your home environment Careful verbal check-ins will be an even more frequent part of treatment since I'm not physically with you Why Some Clients Prefer EMDR Online Many people find virtual EMDR less intimidating, especially when working through relational trauma or complex PTSD. Being in your own space, often near comfort items, pets, or grounding tools, can create a greater sense of comfort & safety. Other benefits include: No commute or driving home in an emotionally activated state Easier integration of the work into your daily life More consistency (if in-person sessions are difficult to attend), which supports long-term change I already mentioned pets...but the other benefit is (selfishly) I get to see your pets :) Who Is Virtual EMDR Best For? Online EMDR therapy is a great option for: Anyone who prefers therapy from the privacy of home People recovering from narcissistic abuse or emotionally immature caregivers Adults with attachment wounds and attachment trauma Clients with anxiety, phobias, PTSD/CPTSD It won't be the best fit for: Clients in crisis who need in-person safety supports Clients with a history of very severe dissociation Clients without a private, distraction-free environment Individuals who find virtual therapy to feel impersonal Virtual EMDR Therapy in Illinois As a licensed therapist in Illinois, I offer EMDR therapy online for residents across the state, including Chicago, Naperville, Oak Brook, Hinsdale etc. I specialize in working with clients who have experienced: Narcissistic abuse and toxic relationship dynamics Insecure attachment challenges Developmental trauma and childhood emotional neglect Narcissistic Personality Disorder The Bottom Line: Yes, Virtual EMDR Works! Online EMDR isn’t a watered-down version of trauma therapy. It’s a powerful, research-supported tool that allows treatment to happen safely, accessibly, and effectively from anywhere. If you're wondering whether EMDR (or therapy in general) can actually help you, let’s talk through your concerns and see if it’s the right fit. Want to learn more about virtual EMDR therapy?  I specialize in helping clients recover from narcissistic abuse by integrating EMDR into therapy when appropriate. Learn more about the various services I offer at my practice, Two Lights Therapy Center:   https://www.twolightstherapy.com/ Virtual Sessions can be scheduled by emailing: hello@twolightstherapy.com  or by visiting:   https://www.twolightstherapy.com/contact     Two Lights Therapy Center PLLC | Chicago, Illinois Narcissistic Abuse Therapy & EMDR for Narcissistic Abuse Recovery Please Note: The information provided in these blog posts is for informational and educational purposes only. It is not intended to be a substitute for professional therapy or therapeutic services. While these blogs are written by licensed psychotherapists, readers should not use this content as a replacement for individualized advice or treatment. If you are experiencing a crisis or need immediate assistance, please call 911 or contact other emergency services in your area.

If you've experienced narcissistic abuse or another form of antagonistic relational stress, you likely feel the presence of deep emotional wounds on a daily basis, though they may feel hard to fully identify or name (let alone heal). EMDR therapy can help you process and close the wounds that have been left by the trauma you’ve faced in your relationship, as well as wounds from long before it. EMDR works by targeting the unprocessed trauma, negative beliefs, and painful memories that are keeping you feeling stuck. How EMDR Helps in Narcissistic Abuse Recovery Narcissistic abuse often leaves survivors with unprocessed trauma that has led to distorted beliefs about themselves and others. These beliefs aren’t random. They are actually shaped by repeated exposure to antagonism and emotional abuse (the invalidation, gaslighting, manipulation etc.). EMDR (Eye Movement Desensitization and Reprocessing) is a research-backed therapy that helps adjust how the brain (and body) store these painful memories and negative cognitions. EMDR can also help clients break the trauma bond or trauma bonds that are keeping them stuck in toxic relationship cycles. What is EMDR Unlike talk therapy, EMDR therapy incorporates bilateral stimulation (through guided eye movements). This process is thought to help the brain shift how traumatic memories are stored by better integrating them and reducing their intensity over time.​ Current theories suggest it may support this integration by stimulating both hemispheres of the brain and engaging the nervous system in states of dual attention. Studies show that EMDR therapy is especially helpful for survivors of trauma and can significantly reduce symptoms of PTSD in as little as 6 sessions. Targeting Negative Core Beliefs EMDR works by first identifying and then reprocessing the core beliefs that formed as a result of abuse (often EARLIER abuse or neglect as well), such as:  “I’m not good enough,” “I can’t trust anyone,” or “I’m a burden.” These beliefs are not just thoughts. They are often stored in the body as what can be called “felt truths”. By briefly revisiting key moments and memories that reinforced your negative beliefs, EMDR helps your brain finally set down the emotional pain and install more adaptive truths such as: “I am worthy,” “I am likable,” “I can trust my instincts,” and “I’m safe now.” Addressing New or Adopted Beliefs After the Abuse Sometimes, the most harmful beliefs don’t form during the relationship; they might arise after it ends. You might now feel broken, embarrassed, ashamed, or fearful that you’ll repeat the same pattern with the same person (or in your next similar dynamic). You may no longer trust yourself, your judgment, or your ability to love yourself. EMDR can help process any newly adopted negative beliefs by helping your brain to integrate more compassionate, empowered narratives. Reprocessing Specific Traumatic Memories EMDR is also incredibly effective for targeting specific flashpoints or moments of betrayal, abandonment, or psychological manipulation that still feel raw and real. Whether it's a particularly painful conversation, a moment of obscene gaslighting, or the exact second you realized the relationship you were in wasn’t safe, EMDR helps the brain move that memory from “now” to “then.” The brain can have difficulty properly placing traumas on a timeline, but EMDR can help to reorganize information in ways that promote better balance in reality.  Healing After Narcissistic Abuse is Possible This blog is oversimplifying the EMDR process and its power, but we will continue to write blogs that dive in a bit deeper. If you feel like you are haunted by the past or like your sense of self has been battered & shattered, you are not alone. EMDR can offer us a path forward that is clear of any roadblocks. By helping your nervous system and subconscious release what no longer serves you, you can return to regulation once more.  Curious to see if EMDR is right for you? I specialize in helping clients recover from narcissistic abuse by integrating a relational, attachment-informed EMDR approach into therapy. Learn more about the various services I offer at my practice, Two Lights Therapy Center:   https://www.twolightstherapy.com/ Virtual Sessions can be scheduled by emailing: hello@twolightstherapy.com  or by visiting:   https://www.twolightstherapy.com/contact     Two Lights Therapy Center PLLC | Chicago, Illinois Narcissistic Abuse Therapy & EMDR for Narcissistic Abuse Recovery Please Note: The information provided in these blog posts is for informational and educational purposes only. It is not intended to be a substitute for professional therapy or therapeutic services. While these blogs are written by licensed psychotherapists, readers should not use this content as a replacement for individualized advice or treatment. If you are experiencing a crisis or need immediate assistance, please call 911 or contact other emergency services in your area.

Dismissive-avoidant attachment and dismissive avoidant personality traits are often oversimplified. While dismissive avoidants do follow a clear, predictable blueprint, they are also just as complex as other attachment styles. While you might immediately think of hyper-independence, limited capacity for conflict/vulnerability, and emotional detachment, there are some lesser-known signs of dismissive avoidance. Read on to explore some that I think are worth mentioning. Dismissive Avoidant Personality Traits: Individuals are Hard Workers Who Use Work or Hobbies as a Shield Dismissive avoidants are often highly ambitious workaholics who appear incredibly driven and dedicated to their careers. They may also set aside (and utilize) significant amounts of time for new (or old) hobbies, workouts, and creative activities. However, this incredible capacity for work has a dark side. More often than not, dismissive avoidants use work and hobbies to avoid being at rest with their feelings. This defense mechanism often appears to be genuine ambition but is also used to soothe a deep defectiveness wound. When faced with any kind of real or perceived relational stress, they will double down on their “workload” and activities rather than confront emotional discomfort. While hard work and hobbies provide a structured escape from moments of intimacy, dismissive avoidants will often work themselves to burnout and are then faced with both burnout and all of their repressed emotions (which will always surface eventually in one way or another). DAs may feel like this lifestyle keeps them in control when, in reality, avoiding emotional discomfort for prolonged periods can have extreme impacts on them and even their physical health. Some research has shown DAs are at a significantly higher risk of heart issues and autoimmune disorders. Interestingly enough, some DAs will also show significantly more vulnerability in their professional roles versus in their private lives. This is because, in this arena, they have more control. Take a teacher or professor, for example: If a DA is a professor, they might have a profound passion for the subject they teach and a strong connection with their students. Their students view them as an authority figure, and the DA does not have to disclose any deeply personal information to their colleagues or students. This allows the DA's nervous system to settle, which in turn, allows them to feel comfortable. In addition to this, students come and go! Dismissive avoidant individuals feel much safer when dynamics have an unspoken or unconscious expiration date (more on this later). Similar environments or positions of authority provide enough safety for a DA to thrive. Dismissive Avoidants are Experts at Intellectualizing Emotions As we all know, dismissive avoidants would rather do just about anything than deeply feel their emotions. A great way to avoid this is to analyze all their feelings as if they are an outsider or, ironically, even an expert. We call this "intellectualizing" in the therapy world. For example, instead of letting themselves experience grief after a loss, a DA is more likely to remain numb and to say something like: “I’m doing fine. Loss is difficult for everyone. Of course, I am sad, but people come and go. That’s life. There’s not really much you can do, you know? I cherish the good memories, and I don’t want to dwell on the bad. It’s honestly just not good for anyone mentally to stay in a dark headspace.” After explaining something like this, they will often change the subject. If asked about something like a breakup, DAs will also downplay the impact, explaining away emotions without acknowledging them: “Yeah, we ended things. Honestly, it just wasn’t working out. In the grand scheme of things, we weren’t together very long. I really want to focus on myself right now and my career. Breakups happen, and yeah– they suck, but I just want to remove any kind of drama from my life right now. Peace is my priority, and it was always something with my ex… we were just never on the same page.” Many DAs actually believe most heightened emotions are irrational and immature. If they are going to engage with vulnerability, they’ll reduce complex feelings or dynamics to straightforward, logical explanations. This keeps them at a safe distance from vulnerability, allowing them to still carefully navigate relationships without fully engaging with any emotional depth. As you might expect, relying on cold calculations and logic instead of empathy makes emotional connection difficult. So, ironically, dismissive avoidants tend to cause a lot of discomfort for those around them. Dismissive Avoidants are Drawn to (Yet Afraid of) Emotionally Intense People Paradoxically, dismissive avoidants both admire and fear partners who express deep emotions. They are deeply intrigued by the passion and intensity of highly emotionally attuned individuals, yet also feel overwhelmed by it. They are often drawn in by strong emotions but withdraw after the “honeymoon phase” or when the connection becomes too serious or intimate. As mentioned above, DAs are quite predictable. If a big life transition is suggested, such as moving in together, marriage, or children, many DAs exit their relationships. Many prefer the idea of love over the reality of commitment, enjoying the thought or fantasy of romanticized connections while struggling with the vulnerability and honesty that real relationships require. DAs especially like relationships with an unconscious expiration date. They will often pursue relationships for the comfort they offer, but if they were being honest, the “safe” relationship was never going to be endgame. A part of them always knew it wouldn’t be “enough,” and ironically, this made it easier to stay in the relationship for longer. My Final Thoughts as an Attachment Specialist Understanding these dismissive avoidant personality traits can provide deeper insight into the behavior of DAs. Recognizing these patterns is the first step toward making some changes. Dismissive avoidants have a bad reputation, but like all individuals, they deeply desire connection. These tendencies keep them feeling safe and regulated. It takes time and therapy to see real changes. If this resonates, feel free to reach out to book a session where we can more deeply explore concepts like this one. Looking for therapy to address your attachment style & move towards secure attachment? Read more about how Two Lights Therapy Center approaches treatment:   https://www.twolightstherapy.com/ https://www.twolightstherapy.com/attachment Want to work with an attachment specialist for therapy?  Virtual Sessions for survivors can be booked by emailing: hello@twolightstherapy.com  or by visiting:   https://www.twolightstherapy.com/contact     Two Lights Therapy Center PLLC | Chicago, Illinois. Narcissism & Attachment Therapists Please Note: The information provided in these blog posts is for informational and educational purposes only. It is not intended to be a substitute for professional therapy or therapeutic services. While these blogs are written by licensed psychotherapists, readers should not use this content as a replacement for individualized advice or treatment. If you are experiencing a crisis or need immediate assistance, please call 911 or contact other emergency services in your area.

In the world of insecure attachment and narcissistic relationships, one figure looms larger than life: the phantom ex . This isn’t just your partner's most recent ex-partner, old fling, or past lover—they are the ever-present, idealized, and/or demonized character who continues to cast a shadow over your current relationship. If you’ve ever felt like you’re silently competing with someone from your partner’s past, you’ve encountered this dynamic firsthand.  So Who Is the Phantom Ex? The phantom ex  is an ex-partner who exists and lingers in the mind of your current partner—often in distorted ways. They can be idealized as "the one that got away," vilified as "the toxic, crazy ex," or weaponized to create insecurity in your relationship. In relationships with narcissistic individuals, the phantom ex often plays a central role in reinforcing the relationship’s power imbalance.  How the Phantom Ex Might Manifest in Your Relationship Idealization of the Ex:  Your partner compares you (unfavorably) to their ex, portraying them as some gold standard you can never quite measure up to. This keeps you striving to become more desirable, hoping to earn that same level of affection or admiration from your partner. The Weaponized Ex:  A narcissistic or emotionally unavailable partner may bring up an ex to trigger jealousy, create insecurity, or maintain control over you emotionally. They may reference them from time to time—never enough for you to feel justified in calling them out on it, but enough that it makes you uncomfortable or even jealous. Narcissistic partners will often make comments like, "My ex never had a problem with that" or "My ex was so good at [XYZ]" or “My ex had/made/knew the best [XYZ]”. They are likely to weaponize these comments both casually and during arguments. The Eternal Emotional Hold:  Even if the ex is not actively involved in their life anymore, your partner might hold onto unresolved feelings they refuse to process, keeping you stuck in a relational purgatory where they are emotionally unavailable to fully commit to you. They may delay talking about the future with you, or they may resist avoiding their ex on social media even when you’ve asked them to. Retroactive Jealousy:  In anxious or disorganized attachment styles, the phantom ex might become an obsession. You may feel haunted by their presence, scouring their social media, overanalyzing your partner’s past, or wondering if you’ll ever be as “special” and attractive as they were. You may even find yourself striving to look or act more like the phantom ex in an attempt to win your narcissistic partner back over. Why the Phantom Ex Is So Common in Insecurely Attached Relationships Insecure attachment styles—anxious, avoidant, and disorganized—fuel the phantom ex phenomenon in different ways: Anxiously attached individuals  obsess over past partners, ruminating over what happened in their old relationship(s) and still seeking validation from their ex. Avoidantly attached individuals  hold onto past partners as a way to maintain some emotional distance from their current relationship, preventing true intimacy & fostering a sense of control. Disorganized attachment  creates an internal conflict where someone may idealize their ex at one moment and vilify them the next, keeping current (& even past) dynamics in a state of constant chaos. Narcissistic partners  strategically invoke the phantom ex/old narcissistic supply to maintain control, create triangulation, and keep their current partner feeling on edge and unsure. How to Break Free from the Phantom Ex Dynamic If you recognize this pattern in your relationship, explore the following: 1. Tag the Patterns Awareness is the first step. Notice when conversations, comparisons, or intrusive thoughts about an ex are disrupting your relationship or self-concept. Explore whether this is really relevant, really about the past, or being used to create insecurity in the present… 2. Stop Playing the Comparison Game You are not in competition with their ex, even if it feels that way. You can only ever be the best version of yourself. The person you’re with today is either emotionally invested in your relationship or they are not. If your partner continues to bring up their ex in a way that makes you feel horrible about yourself, that’s a major red flag and suggests it may be time to move on. 3. If Your Partner is Not a Narcissist, Address it Directly If your partner is still emotionally entangled with their ex—whether through nostalgia, resentment, or unprocessed trauma—you deserve clarity. Have a direct conversation about your boundaries, needs, and desires. Explore whether your partner is truly available to show up in a way that will foster a secure relationship. 4. Heal Your Own Attachment Wounds If you find yourself on their social media, obsessing over your partner’s ex, or feeling consumed by retroactive jealousy, explore what insecurities this is triggering for you. Your relationship with yourself deserves that attention—not their ex's Instagram. Therapy or attachment coaching (with a reputable professional) can help rewire insecure attachment tendencies that make you prone to these debilitating comparisons.  5. Set Boundaries Around Triangulation If a narcissistic or emotionally manipulative partner is using their ex to control or scare you, recognize this as a tactic. Whether it is being weaponized consciously or unconsciously, it is extremely inappropriate. It’s so important to consider whether this relationship is emotionally healthy for you and whether it is serving you in this chapter of your life. Need Help Navigating This? If you recognize yourself in these dynamics and want to break free from a toxic relationship, therapy can help you begin this process. I specialize in attachment-focused therapy and narcissistic abuse recovery, helping individuals process painful experiences like these.  We are here to help: Read more about the services offered by Two Lights Therapy Center :   https://www.twolightstherapy.com/ https://www.twolightstherapy.com/attachment Want to continue this conversation with an expert?  Virtual Sessions can be scheduled by emailing: hello@twolightstherapy.com  or by visiting:   https://www.twolightstherapy.com/contact     Two Lights Therapy Center PLLC | Chicago, Illinois Narcissistic Abuse Recovery Experts & Attachment Style Specialists Please Note: The information provided in these blog posts is for informational and educational purposes only. It is not intended to be a substitute for professional therapy or therapeutic services. While these blogs are written by licensed psychotherapists, readers should not use this content as a replacement for individualized advice or treatment. If you are experiencing a crisis or need immediate assistance, please call 911 or contact other emergency services in your area.

When Avoidant Styles Collide Learn the basics of each attachment style before reading: https://www.twolightstherapy.com/attachment ! When a romantic dynamic begins between a Dismissive Avoidant (DA) and a Fearful Avoidant (FA), a predictable cycle begins to play out. While both attachment styles deeply desire connection, their attachment needs clash in a way that creates a painful dance & push-pull dynamic. When one partner unconsciously begins shutting down to preserve their own peace (& regulate their nervous system), the other panics, becoming increasingly compelled to find ways to feel more seen, heard, and understood (which would help regulate THEIR  nervous system). Today, we will explore these core needs and the wounds of each partner and why these relationships can be nearly impossible to maintain without deep psychoeducation or professional help. Whether you’re familiar with attachment theory or just curious about avoidant behaviors, read on to understand why the DA-FA cycle is so challenging. The Dismissive Avoidant’s Deep Need for Peace and Harmony A dismissive-avoidant partner values peace, harmony, and independence above ALL ELSE.  DAs are extremely conflict-averse, and they will do almost anything to avoid drama, criticism, and confrontation. This includes more extreme actions as well, such as ghosting, lying, and blame-shifting. When tensions rise in the relationship or when the FA wants to share their feelings, discuss the relationship, or explore the future, the DA’s instinct is to retreat or shut down immediately rather than engage. They often withdraw to escape “arguments” (perceived criticism) and stressful emotions, their deactivating thoughts driving them far away from their partner. The DA’s desire to keep the relationship easy and surface-level isn’t because they don’t care; it’s because conflict triggers their deepest insecurities.  Many (most) DAs grew up without the appropriate emotional attunement from their caregivers and were often criticized or emotionally neglected, leaving them with a core “defectiveness” wound. At their core, DA’s believe they are not good enough, some even believing others will find out how “worthless” or “incompetent” they really are in love and in life (distorted thinking).  When a DA senses their FA partner is unhappy with them, it activates this wound, immediately creating deep feelings of shame and even anger. Rather than face their feelings, the dismissive avoidant partner copes by creating space, including (but not limited to) emotional distance. In short, the DA craves a peaceful relationship where they never have to feel inadequate or criticized ever again (as they were in childhood). Frankly, their desire is unrealistic, as ANY  criticism (even constructive) or neediness from a partner will typically send them running for the hills. As you can imagine, these unreasonable expectations often leave the DA with failed relationship after failed relationship, or they end up settling to avoid seeming  defective, but must then fight back resentment every day for the rest of their marriage. It is not uncommon for avoidants to end up committing to someone they don’t truly love, as real, deep emotions feel very uncomfortable to them long-term.  The Fearful Avoidant’s Need to Be Seen, Heard, and Understood In contrast, a fearful-avoidant partner’s biggest need in life and in love is to be truly & deeply seen, heard, and understood.  Ouch . Fearful avoidant attachment is one of the rarest attachment styles, but they are some of the deepest feelers and fastest emotional processors. While it is a vast FA spectrum, to keep things simple, think of FA’s as a mix of dismissive avoidant and anxious preoccupied attachment styles. Depending on the nature of a stimulus, FA’s can lean anxious or avoidant at any given moment.  Because of this, FA’s experience extreme inner turmoil – they desperately want closeness and validation, yet they also deeply fear it. This attachment style (sometimes called disorganized attachment or anxious avoidant) usually comes from early trauma or inconsistent caregiving (marked by a lack of appropriate emotional attunement). FA’s learned to associate love with uncertainty, chaos, & even intermittent pain. As adults, they crave the deepest connections but are also constantly on guard for dishonesty or betrayal. At their core, fearful avoidants carry a deep wound of betrayal. Their pervasive fear, that their heart will be broken if they offer their full trust, often leaves them paranoid and their actions unpredictable (even erratic). In childhood, they were likely deeply (& repeatedly) hurt by someone they trusted (most likely a guardian figure), so now they are hypervigilant for any sign of deceit. They are good at this, examining everything under a microscope with a thick, negative lens.   In the FA’s mind, it’s not “if” but “when” they will be betrayed. They hold the pervasive core belief “I WILL be betrayed or abandoned.”​ This is actually an adaptive belief that kept them safe in childhood, but it causes them excess anxiety when attempting to nurture new connections in adulthood. The FA’s pain is primal: when their betrayal schema is activated, they might feel intense panic, anxiety, rage, and despair as if reliving all past “abandonments” at once.  The FA can seem to switch personalities: one moment they’re warm & profoundly loving, and the next they’re defensive, anxious, suspicious, or cold. FA’s often need reassurance that their partner truly sees them, understands them,  and loves them for who they are. Feeling ignored or misunderstood will trigger the FA’s fear of betrayal and abandonment. In response, we might see protest behaviors (anger, silence, criticism) or the stereotypical anxious preoccupied attachment style behaviors, depending on which way their nervous system chooses to learn (anxious or avoidant). Anxious preoccupied behaviors include excessive reassurance-seeking, over-communicating needs for closeness, and even coercive co-regulation. While FA’s are less likely to engage in coercive co-regulation attempts, they need emotional presence from their partner. They need to feel that their thoughts, ideas, fears, and feelings matter. Otherwise, they will sometimes cling too tightly to a certain outcome or suddenly withdraw, unsure whether to pursue love or protect themselves. Conflicting Needs and the Push-Pull Dynamic You can see why these two attachment styles together might have some challenges. 🫠  It’s no surprise that the DA and FA create a volatile push-pull cycle as their core needs are directly at odds.  The DA withdraws to regulate their nervous systems, while the FA pursues (or pushes) for answers & validation. This often becomes a painful dance with one partner chasing and the other withdrawing. When an FA feels their needs aren’t being met, they will likely begin to work harder for closeness. They might raise concerns, seek reassurance, or express frustration about feeling unheard. In their eyes, this is an attempt to bridge the gap, but the dismissive avoidant experiences this as an ambush, full of conflict or criticism, which then threatens their need for harmony. The more the FA approaches with emotion, the more the DA’s defectiveness wound begins to sting (“I can’t do anything right”, “I’m a bad partner”), and the DA responds by shutting down or pulling away even further. The DA’s retreat triggers that aforementioned betrayal wound in the FA. The fearful avoidant partner, sensing this distancing, feels abandoned and betrayed (“I knew I’d be left once I opened up!”). In pain and panic, the FA may lash out or become highly emotional, which only convinces the DA that peace is gone. In conflict, a DA is not just hearing an upset partner – they are feeling a lifetime of inadequacy. This reinforces their choice to distance and disconnect.  This cycle can repeat endlessly.  Ironically, both partners actually hurt for the same reason: each is afraid of not being good enough or of being hurt/abandoned by the other. Yet their coping strategies are so opposite that neither will have their needs met by the other. The result is a relationship that swings between intense closeness and heartbreaking distance, often in rapid succession. Over time, both individuals feel exhausted, wounded, and confused. The FA feels unseen and betrayed, while the DA feels inadequate and overwhelmed. Without intervention, this looping dynamic tends to worsen with each conflict, as trust erodes and resentments build. Understanding the core wounds is key to breaking these patterns because it shifts the focus from blaming to empathizing. Why the DA-FA Relationship Rarely Works Without Help Given how entrenched these needs and wounds are, it’s almost impossible for a DA-FA relationship to thrive without conscious effort or professional intervention. Both partners are essentially fighting their own childhood ghosts (as well as each other). In time, the cycle of pursuit and withdrawal will become more extreme and even toxic. These relationships can very easily be mistaken for ones where narcissistic abuse is at play.  In many cases, the relationship will end painfully unless changes are made. A skilled therapist or relationship coach can help the dismissive avoidant learn to gradually face vulnerability and discomfort. Likewise, the fearful avoidant can learn to self-soothe and limit their time putting their partner under a microscope. If one or both partners refuse to acknowledge the issues or get help, the unhealthy pattern will not cease with just time. Unfortunately, dismissive avoidants are notorious for avoiding therapy since it involves emotional exploration and exposure. To be fair, the wrong therapy CAN actually worsen the DA’s habits. Without the appropriate interventions, the DA-FA pair often reaches a breaking point where the FA feels too hurt to continue or the DA feels too emotionally flooded, incapable, or incompetent to cope, and they part ways. In some cases, the relationship limps along in chronic dissatisfaction, leaving both parties suffering. Healthy resolution requires interrupting the cycles mentioned above, healing the wounds beneath them, and developing new communication habits – all of which are far more attainable with attachment theory informed, professional help. If you find yourself in this dynamic, know that you’re not alone and it’s not totally hopeless – but it won’t fix itself without effort from both parties. In the end, a DA-FA relationship can become stable and supportive, but it takes two self-aware partners and often a lot of work. Remember, love shouldn’t be a painful, repetitive cycle. Change is possible, and everyone deserves a relationship where both people feel loved, seen, safe, and understood. Secure attachment is possible. Looking for therapy to address your attachment style & move towards secure attachment? Read more about how Two Lights Therapy Center approaches treatment:   https://www.twolightstherapy.com/ https://www.twolightstherapy.com/attachment Want to work with an attachment specialist for therapy?  Virtual Sessions for survivors can be booked by emailing: hello@twolightstherapy.com  or by visiting:   https://www.twolightstherapy.com/contact   Two Lights Therapy Center | Chicago, Illinois. Narcissism & Attachment Specialists Please Note: The information provided in these blog posts is for informational and educational purposes only. It is not intended to be a substitute for professional therapy or therapeutic services. While these blogs are written by licensed psychotherapists, readers should not use this content as a replacement for individualized advice or treatment. If you are experiencing a crisis or need immediate assistance, please call 911 or contact other emergency services in your area.

Open and honest communication in a narcissistic dynamic is almost always an impossibility. Attempts at communication will be punished and will leave you feeling confused, hurt, and inadequate. In this post, we’ll look at some of the common questions clients have related to communicating with a narcissist. You may find them shockingly relatable as these patterns are consistent and pervasive in most dynamics with narcissists. If you're struggling to articulate your thoughts or feel that your every plea is misinterpreted, read on to uncover why these issues occur—and remember, it’s not your fault. Articulating Yourself Face-to-Face with a Narcissistic Partner Common Question: I know exactly what I want to say to them (the narcissist). I write scripts, make lists, and rehearse my points so I can advocate for myself. Yet when I’m face-to-face with a narcissist, I freeze. I struggle to articulate my thoughts clearly in the moment—even after all my preparation—and end up texting them afterwards to tie up loose ends, only to be accused of causing drama with comments like, “You can never let anything go.” It takes so long to process what just happened that bringing it up again feels futile. Why can’t I just stand up for myself in the moment? The Answer: This is a tale as old as time. When you’re dealing with a narcissist, it can feel like your brain just shuts down—and there’s solid neuroscience behind that reaction. In high-stress moments, your brain’s amygdala (the threat detector) releases stress hormones like adrenaline and cortisol. This “fight, flight, or freeze” response temporarily impairs the prefrontal cortex, the part of your brain that handles rational thought and articulation. Simply put, under acute stress, your ability to express yourself clearly is compromised. Moreover, when your concerns are repeatedly met with punishment or dismissal, it reinforces a cycle where your needs seem unwelcome and unimportant. You find yourself trapped in a loop of revisiting unresolved issues that trigger feelings of shame and defensiveness. This is a natural response to an environment where expressing your feelings is met with hostility. If you had a safe space to share your worries and be heard, you might be better able to break the cycle and truly stand up for yourself. (There’s typically no “better way” or “better time” to bring up your concerns in narcissistic relationships—even though they’ll insist your timing is always off.) Confusing Conversations with the Narcissist: Why You Feel Misunderstood The Question: Why do our conversations leave me more confused than before they started? They often make me feel stupid or inadequate. I can never get my wording just right, and I’m constantly told that the way I express things doesn’t make sense. I worry I’m not an effective communicator or that I’m overcomplicating our interactions. I know I’m a pretty smart person—so why do I always end up feeling like an idiot after trying to express myself? The Answer: Vulnerable expressions of emotion are the narcissistic person’s playground. These are typically the moments where their manipulation and gaslighting skills really shine. You KNOW you’re a smart person yet, they manage to make you feel like maybe you’re even wrong about that!  For them, even the slightest hint of criticism (no matter how carefully sugar-coated) is perceived as a personal attack. That sets off their shame-rage cycle: the shame they feel quickly morphs into rage as a self-protective mechanism, and all too often, the only way they know how to cope is by dragging you down with them. They do this by criticizing your approach, nitpicking semantics, twisting your words, and introducing a whole lot of confusion. Feeling Like a Burden in a Narcissistic Relationship Common Question: Why does it feel like I’m constantly nagging and killing the mood? I consider myself to be a pretty chill person. I don’t want to be in constant conflict with my partner, but I feel compelled to bring attention back to the challenges in our relationship because they never seem to get addressed. The Answer: What a narcissistic person’s annoyance often reflects is their deep-seated discomfort with accountability. When you bring up an issue they’d rather ignore, you’re typically accused of killing the mood or nagging. Narcissists tend to dismiss or even twist genuine concerns into personal attacks, making you feel as if you’re the one causing all the problems. This isn’t about you—this is a defense mechanism. They deflect responsibility by portraying your valid points as burdensome, leaving you questioning whether you’re overreacting or simply being “crazy” (their word—not ours). Remember, your desire to address issues and improve the relationship is valid—even if their response makes you feel otherwise. It’s not about you, but it is incredibly difficult not to take it personally. If this sounds familiar, reach out for support. Learn about our narcissistic personality & narcissistic abuse therapy services: Read  more about the services offered by Two Lights Therapy Center :   https://www.twolightstherapy.com/ Want to get scheduled with a therapist who specializes in narcissism?  Virtual Sessions for survivors can be scheduled by emailing: hello@twolightstherapy.com  or by visiting:   https://www.twolightstherapy.com/contact     Two Lights Therapy Center PLLC | Chicago, Illinois Narcissistic Abuse Recovery Therapist Please Note: The information provided in these blog posts is for informational and educational purposes only. It is not intended to be a substitute for professional therapy or therapeutic services. While these blogs are written by licensed psychotherapists, readers should not use this content as a replacement for individualized advice or treatment. If you are experiencing a crisis or need immediate assistance, please call 911 or contact other emergency services in your area.