Finding support during or after narcissistic abuse is crucial. Narcissistic abuse support groups can be incredibly validating, and for many survivors, they are the first place where their lived experience is named and believed. Sharing and listening (while surrounded by others who are familiar with the agony of this kind of antagonism) reminds us that we’re not alone, despite our experiences with isolation.  That being said, while support groups have their place, they aren’t a substitute for therapy, and it’s important to gently and honestly name their limits. Support groups and therapy serve very different purposes, and confusing one for the other can sometimes substantially slow recovery. So what are the limitations? Let’s take a look.  Narcissistic Abuse Follows Patterns, But Every Story Is Unique While many cases involving narcissism share a similar flavor, no two high-stress experiences are the same. Yes, narcissistic abuse includes some consistent, recognizable tactics like idealization, devaluation, minimizing, gaslighting, and other kinds of coercive control. What’s important to recognize, though, is that the relational dynamic behind each situation is different. Your nervous system, attachment history, and trauma responses shape your experience in a way that no group template can fully capture. Recovery shouldn’t just be about fitting into a shared narrative or examining a diluted definition. It’s important to thoroughly understand your own before introducing strangers into your emotional experience.  Relational Safety Is Essential for Trauma Healing Trauma recovery always requires emotional containment, corrective relationships, and proper attunement. Support groups can offer connection and community, but they aren’t often designed to hold your unique pacing needs, your trauma history, and your attachment needs. Therapy creates a stable and relational environment where your nervous system can slowly learn (and trust) safety again. Groups often can’t provide that depth of containment, regardless of who is running the meetings. The environment simply isn't built for it. Narcissistic Abuse Support Groups Are Not a Replacement for Trauma Processing Narcissistic abuse is trauma. More specifically, it is a severe form of relational trauma. This type of trauma doesn’t just live in conscious memory, and is additionally encoded in the body and relational expectations. Because of this, it cannot be fully resolved through validation, insight, or connection alone, even though those are essential components of healing. Bottom-up therapy modalities such as EMDR , Internal Family Systems (IFS), and Coherence Therapy work directly with how traumatic memory is stored and organized in the brain and nervous system. These approaches support memory reconsolidation and nervous system recalibration. In other words, they help the brain update outdated data and restore a sense of internal safety. This is very different from talking about trauma. It is the process of helping the body and brain no longer live inside it. Support groups normalize experiences, but trauma therapy processes it in a way that is vital. Both can be valuable, but only trauma therapy is structured to create the neurobiological and relational conditions necessary for true trauma integration and long-term nervous system shifts. Support groups can be a powerful complement, but they are not in any way a substitute for trauma treatment. They can, unfortunately, even be harmful and retraumatizing if entertained too soon.  Dysregulation Can Sometimes Create Unintentional Harm In group spaces, your story must be shared in fragments. You may not get the continuity or depth needed for true integration. Proper processing often requires us to revisit the same themes and slow down WAYYYY down. That level of depth is hard to achieve when space is shared among too many people. Especially when many support spaces naturally attract people who are still in acute pain. That’s not wrong—it’s completely human, but it can lead to things like: Comparison Rushing Interrupting Competition over “severity” Invalidation Gatekeeping Pressure to conform to one narrative These dynamics aren’t malicious or intentional. They’re symptoms of unprocessed trauma, but they can quietly undermine relational safety. We don’t mean to discourage anyone from joining a group. Just be cautious and understand the limitations of each kind of care. They often work best when they complement each other—not when one replaces the other. The Difference Between Narcissistic Abuse Group Therapy & Narcissistic Abuse Support Groups It’s also important to distinguish between support groups and group therapy. They are often spoken about interchangeably, but they are not the same. Group therapy is led by a licensed clinician who is trained to monitor safety, regulate group dynamics, and intervene when interactions become harmful or retraumatizing. This clinical structure matters, especially in trauma work. For that reason, we generally don't recommend support groups that are not facilitated by a licensed professional. While peer-led spaces can feel validating, they lack the training and containment needed to manage dysregulation, unhealthy comparison, or inadvertent harm. EMDR Therapy, Narcissistic Abuse Therapy, Couples Therapy, Family Therapy & More in Chicago, IL If you’re looking for narcissistic abuse recovery therapy and EMDR therapy in Chicago or the surrounding suburbs, working with a trauma-informed, narcissism specialist can make all the difference. Learn more about my narcissistic abuse and narcissism-focused services: Narcissistic Abuse Therapy EMDR for Narcissistic Abuse Narcissistic Abuse Intensive Sessions Therapy for Narcissistic Personality Disorder Virtual EMDR for Attachment Trauma in Chicago If you are trying to find EMDR therapy for C-PTSD, or complex trauma in Chicago (or anywhere in Illinois), you’re welcome to reach out. We're happy to help you explore whether Somatic & Attachment-Focused EMDR feels like the right fit for your needs. Contact Two Lights Therapy Center  to learn more about somatic and attachment-focused EMDR therapy and how we can support your recovery. Want to work with a specialist?  Virtual Sessions with Erika  can be scheduled by emailing: hello@twolightstherapy.com  or by visiting:   https://www.twolightstherapy.com/contact       Two Lights Therapy Center PLLC | Chicago, Illinois. Therapist Specializing in Narcissistic Abuse & High-Conflict Relational Dynamics Please Note: The information provided in these blog posts is for informational and educational purposes only. It is not intended to be a substitute for professional therapy or therapeutic services. While these blogs are written by licensed psychotherapists, readers should not use this content as a replacement for individualized advice or treatment. If you are experiencing a crisis or need immediate assistance, please call 911 or contact other emergency services in your area.

What’s the Difference Between Narcissistic Behaviors & Behaviors Associated with Certain Attachment Styles? Even to the well-trained eye, certain insecure attachment patterns can appear to be highly narcissistic. This is especially true when there are high levels of reactivity, selfishness, or blunted emotions. What’s important to consider is that while narcissistic tendencies are deeply woven into the structure of personality, attachment patterns are more fluid and more easily influenced by trauma-informed therapies.  It can be difficult to accept how stable temperament/personality can be. We all love to believe that significant change is possible with hard work, but when it comes time to make those big changes, typically, personality styles endure. People with narcissistic personality styles attempt to find safety and avoid shame by exploiting and degrading others. Influenced by both nature and nurture, narcissistic personalities are often a result of early trauma, severe neglect, or even certain flavors of really poor parenting. What often looks like callousness or arrogance in narcissistic individuals is actually part of how they try to regulate a shaky sense of self-worth (through entitlement, control, and emotional distancing). In most cases, there is nothing that can be done to help a narcissistic person unless they are deeply dedicated to life-long trauma therapy (and aren’t just lying about being dedicated to life-long trauma therapy…) On the other hand, attachment styles can slide around a little. Think of attachment styles as our human-vessel security systems. They all work a bit differently, but the goal is the same: stay safe, regulate, find connection, & avoid pain. When discussing insecure attachment styles, I often suggest the visual of a bodyguard or bouncer who is maybe a little too passionate about their job. With the right help, attachment styles can be rewired (like the bodyguard/bouncer getting proper de-escalation training). Once tools and skills are learned, clients with insecure attachment styles are able to do the hard (but important) work required to become more securely attached. But it takes time & practice! Can Someone Be Both a Narcissist and Fearful-Avoidant? Yes, and this is where things can get especially confusing. While narcissism and fearful-avoidant attachment aren’t the same, there is an overlap in the associated behaviors. A person can have narcissistic traits and  also struggle with disorganized attachment. In fact, some of the leading specialists on attachment argue that MOST narcissists are fearful avoidants, not dismissive avoidants (as many believe). That said, this is still hotly debated.  Fearful avoidants desperately seek connection but often become cold, resentful, and defensive the moment vulnerability or criticism arises. They may also sabotage intimacy to avoid the pain of perceived rejection, all while accusing others of being incapable or unsafe. When this happens, it’s easy to feel like you’re in a relationship with a narcissist, even if the core issue is actually deep-rooted fear rather than a fixed lack of empathy. Of course, it’s important to consider that abuse is abuse, regardless of “why” someone is acting or behaving a certain way. Anyone with any attachment style is capable of abuse, and there is no excuse.  How Narcissistic Traits Can Show Up in Any Attachment Style When we hear “narcissist”, most of us think of someone cold, “evil”, arrogant, and emotionally unavailable. The truth is that narcissistic traits like extreme entitlement, self-centeredness, or a lack of empathy can show up in people with any  attachment style, especially when they're activated or in distress. Attachment theory explains how we relate to others, especially in close relationships, based on our early attachment and attunement experiences. When our nervous systems perceive danger/distress, we all have protective strategies—and sometimes those strategies can look  really narcissistic, even when they're not rooted in a truly narcissistic personality. For example: An anxiously attached  person may become preoccupied with their own needs for reassurance and inadvertently overlook (or trample) their partner’s boundaries. They may go through your phone, demand your attention in inappropriate ways, or even ruin special events because they aren’t capable of better regulating themselves when they really should be able to. A dismissive avoidant individual may shut down emotionally, dismiss others' needs, or act superior as a way to protect themselves from vulnerability. It’s not unusual for dismissive avoidants to ghost people in a very antisocial manner when the ghosting was far from necessary. A fearful-avoidant  (disorganized) person may swing between clinginess and coldness, creating chaos that feels confusing or even unsafe. Disorganized individuals are often HIGHLY reactive, prompting concern from your loved ones and friends who notice and find their behavior exhausting. Both types of avoidants may also cheat to create more “emotional distance” from you. All of the imaginary individuals referenced above are also capable of incredible levels of verbal abuse, such as chronic name-calling, loudly weaponizing insecurities, and endless cursing. While these behaviors can resemble narcissism on the surface, the motivation underneath is different. Narcissism is marked by a deep, inflexible lack of empathy and a need to control others. Attachment-driven behaviors, on the other hand, are rooted in fears of rejection and abandonment. That said, some (most) of the behaviors mentioned above are, by definition, abusive. Fear is powerful and can be the root of many maladaptive behaviors. Understanding Fearful-Avoidant Attachment (Disorganized Attachment) Fearful-avoidant attachment! One of my favorite attachment styles to work with. Sometimes called disorganized attachment (I actually prefer this term), fearful avoidants are some of the most misunderstood individuals. Let's dive in deeper. Often, you’ll hear this attachment style described as the style that “fears intimacy, but craves connection at the same time”, and that is PART of the story; however, it can feel like an oversimplification. Fearful avoidants jump around on their own spectrum and can be both anxious preoccupied and dismissive avoidant. This spectrum is vast and complex, leaving both FA individuals and their loved ones stumped much of the time. No two fearful avoidants are quite the same, but I will do my best to explain more consistent themes. People with disorganized attachment (remember—it’s the same thing as fearful avoidance) desperately want to be seen, heard, and understood. The problem is, these desires run so deep that they often expect you to read their mind, anticipate all their needs, and see into the deepest depths of their soul. This intense (and unrealistic) need for closeness often quickly leads to disappointment, and the disappointment often triggers hypervigilance: “Does this person REALLY care about me?” “Is this person capable of loving me the way I need to be loved?” “If you don’t get this, do you really get me at all?” “Are my emotions going to feel like too much for this person? Will they leave me? I bet they’ve already considered doing that…now I'm mad. I'll leave you first.”  Their desire for closeness paired with their fear of betrayal/abandonment often leads to a push-pull dynamic in relationships. Underneath this push-pull is often a nervous system wired for survival, shaped by early experiences of love that were unpredictable, unsafe, or conditional. They often struggle to trust others and  also themselves. When conflict arises, they may become quickly dysregulated, lashing out, shutting down, or switching between protest behaviors and retreat. This hot-and-cold behavior is usually a sign of emotional overwhelm and their own confusion.  This attachment style can be especially confusing because it really can mimic narcissistic behavior really beautifully, especially given the sudden emotional withdrawal, reactive anger, or hypersensitivity to criticism. But again, the root  is different. While narcissism centers on control and grandiosity, fearful avoidance is rooted in terror: of being hurt, of being misunderstood, of losing the person they care about most. Ironic, right? How Fearful-Avoidants Can Heal & What Makes It So Hard Fearful avoidants are some of the fastest emotional processors. It’s very, very impressive to “watch them work”. Their entire lives, they have put everything under a microscope, and that microscope has a very negative bias on the lens. People with disorganized attachment are truly the ninjas of the attachment world, and they are ready to save themselves however they must. Relational, trauma-informed therapy is so important for these clients because of their understandable difficulties with trust. It’s important to help them recognize, appreciate, and gently shift their adaptations, rather than shaming or criticizing them. This individual's “protective parts” have worked incredibly hard to keep them safe for so much of their lives, and it can be helpful to help them extend some self-gratitude. Revisiting unprocessed trauma with modalities like EMDR or Internal Family Systems work (integrated into relational therapy) can be a great option. Working on fearful-avoidant attachment patterns requires learning nervous system regulating skills (and actually using them), practicing inner reparenting, and finding a willingness to stay present (even when it feels unsafe). This often means learning to tolerate vulnerability, noticing emotional triggers without acting on them , and slowly rebuilding trust with themselves and others. While self-expression is not typically difficult at all for fearful avoidants, learning to respond respectfully and calmly can be difficult. Feeling “weak” or vulnerable is incredibly uncomfortable for them. Self-awareness is also not usually difficult for fearful avoidants, but truly admitting their behaviors are often inappropriate can be a tough pill to swallow. To them, acknowledging that often feels like self-abandonment. Some unique challenges in this process include: Fear of engulfment & fear of abandonment are happening simultaneously Self-sabotage when intimacy feels “too safe”, "cringey", or unfamiliar Shame around being “too much” or “too hard to love” Difficulty discerning real threats/insults/judgments from perceived ones Important Note: There’s Never an Excuse for Abuse While it’s important to understand the roots of fearful-avoidant patterns, insight is not the same as justification. Attachment wounds can explain  why someone behaves in chaotic or self-protective ways, but they do not excuse behaviors that are abusive or controlling.  Fearful-avoidant dynamics can be extremely destabilizing to their partners. The unpredictability and emotional reactivity can mimic narcissistic abuse, leaving loved ones feeling gaslighted, confused, and drained. No matter how much someone has been wounded by their past, it is their responsibility to do the work of healing rather than continuing cycles of harm. Therapy that focuses on relational safety, somatic awareness, and attachment repair is essential. How to Navigate Conflict with a Fearful-Avoidant Partner When you’re in a relationship with a fearful-avoidant partner, it can feel like walking on eggshells. You’re never quite sure which version of them you’ll get. They might beg you not to leave, then they may tell you to get lost when things get vulnerable.  One of the main challenges I see arise in my practice is people assuming that once conflict has begun, they should immediately jump to making their fearful-avoidant partner feel seen, heard, and understood. That’s the goal, right? That's what they want? That is their core need! Well, here’s the thing... Once a fearful avoidant partner starts to feel overwhelmed, they may move closer to their dismissive avoidant side, adopting more of those DA tendencies rather suddenly. It can look similar to the "splitting" one might expect with certain personality disorders. Once they begin having deactivating thoughts like...  “This relationship isn’t right for me.” “I don’t even like them anymore.” "I feel so trapped and honestly kind of icked out right now. I wouldn't feel like this if I really cared about this person..." "They're totally going to leave me anyway. I should just end this. This is stupid and a waste of my time." "Someone who loves me wouldn't act like this." “Everything feels wrong…a relationship shouldn’t feel like this. I shouldn't feel confused." I need to get out of here and respect my intuition.” ...they are going to be much less receptive to the intimate act of being seen, heard, and understood by you. While they may have, at one point, wanted your reassurance, what they "need" now more than ever might be space. Until their nervous system begins to regulate itself, any attempt at connection could push them further away. Those deactivating thoughts are the brain's way of justifying behaviors and creating distance from the pain of conflict. The thoughts aren't true, but they guide the individual away from the perceived threat— you. "To safety!", their attachment style says... It’s important to offer love & support, but also offer options to avoid leaving them feeling trapped, cornered, or stuck. Fearful avoidants often require someone with a secure attachment to model appropriate behaviors (behaviors they likely didn’t witness in childhood).  Some strategies that help: Don’t chase when they withdraw—but don’t retaliate, either.  Calm, consistent presence (without pressure) creates safety. Offer appropriate amounts of space or time alone if you can while maintaining your own boundaries. Avoid shaming or accusing language.  They’re already anticipating judgment. At this point, criticism will feel considerably worse than usual. Name the impact while affirming care.  Example: “I know you shut down when you're overwhelmed, and I am hearing you say you want to break up. I'm sure ending our relationship would make you feel better temporarily, but that's really painful for me to hear and consider. I can't begin to imagine how you feel right now, but I'd love to better understand at some point when you're ready to talk. You're important to me." OR "When you put your walls up like this, I feel cut off and alone. I’m not here to hurt you—I want us to be able to talk through things together, but I will give you space right now if that is what you need. I do not have any desire to control you or make you stay somewhere that feels limiting. You are your own person, but I like it when we are a team, too.” Regulate yourself first.  When you're grounded, it helps soothe their fear-driven reactions. Model Self-Respect. If the fearful avoidant partner begins to insult you, punch below the belt, or get dysregulated, remove yourself from the situation calmly. Ultimately, you can’t fix  a fearful-avoidant partner. But you can set boundaries, communicate openly, and decide whether the relationship is sustainable as-is, or whether their healing needs to happen outside of the relationship. The Unfortunate Pattern That Leads to Game Playing We’ve talked a lot about the more dismissive avoidant side of a disorganized individual, but what about their anxious preoccupied tendencies? After spending a lot of time in a relationship with a fearful avoidant, you may notice a pattern emerging. When you pull back, they come running. Top speed. Because I preach authenticity, healthy communication, and secure attachment habits, I don’t often explore this pattern too deeply in my sessions for fear that it may be weaponized. But the reality is, because that pendulum can swing back and forth, people with disorganized attachment typically WILL chase if they perceive abandonment, an increase in self-respect/firmer boundaries, or like they’ve “messed up”.  If you decide you’ve had enough and walk away from this kind of relationship or agree with their demands to break up (calmly, quietly, respectfully), more often than not, you should be prepared for your avoidant partner to reemerge. It can be days, weeks, months, or even years, but remember that until deeper work has occurred, this cycle may start all over again (with you or with the next person).  When to Seek Support: Therapy for Complex Relational Patterns If you’ve been in a relationship where you’re constantly questioning what’s real, wondering whether someone is being manipulative, or struggling with your own reactivity, therapy can help you get on track. As a therapist who specializes in narcissistic abuse and attachment trauma, I help clients unpack these patterns with care and nuance.  Get Started With An Attachment-Theory Specialist: I’m a Chicago-based therapist who specializes in narcissistic abuse recovery and attachment trauma. I use an integrative, relational, attachment-focused approach with EMDR when appropriate. If this sounds like a good fit,  reach out here . Attachment Style Therapy: https://www.twolightstherapy.com/attachment-styles-therapy Attachment Therapy for Couples: https://www.twolightstherapy.com/couples-therapy-for-attachment-styles Narcissistic Abuse Therapy: https://www.twolightstherapy.com/narcissistic-abuse-therapy Narcissistic Abuse Intensives: https://www.twolightstherapy.com/narcissistic-abuse-intensives EMDR for Narcissistic Abuse: https://www.twolightstherapy.com/emdr-for-narcissistic-abuse Therapy for Antagonistic Relationship Challenges: https://www.twolightstherapy.com/therapy-for-antagonistic-relationships   Two Lights Therapy Center PLLC | Chicago, Illinois. Narcissistic Abuse Recovery Therapy Please Note: The information provided in these blog posts is for informational and educational purposes only. It is not intended to be a substitute for professional therapy or therapeutic services. While licensed psychotherapists write these blogs, readers should not use this content as a replacement for individualized advice or treatment. If you are experiencing a crisis or need immediate assistance, please call 911 or contact other emergency services in your area.

When Avoidant Styles Collide Learn the basics of each attachment style before reading: https://www.twolightstherapy.com/attachment ! When a romantic dynamic begins between a Dismissive Avoidant (DA) and a Fearful Avoidant (FA), a predictable cycle begins to play out. While both attachment styles deeply desire connection, their attachment needs clash in a way that creates a painful dance & push-pull dynamic. When one partner unconsciously begins shutting down to preserve their own peace (& regulate their nervous system), the other panics, becoming increasingly compelled to find ways to feel more seen, heard, and understood (which would help regulate THEIR  nervous system). Today, we will explore these core needs and the wounds of each partner and why these relationships can be nearly impossible to maintain without deep psychoeducation or professional help. Whether you’re familiar with attachment theory or just curious about avoidant behaviors, read on to understand why the DA-FA cycle is so challenging. The Dismissive Avoidant’s Deep Need for Peace and Harmony A dismissive-avoidant partner values peace, harmony, and independence above ALL ELSE.  DAs are extremely conflict-averse, and they will do almost anything to avoid drama, criticism, and confrontation. This includes more extreme actions as well, such as ghosting, lying, and blame-shifting. When tensions rise in the relationship or when the FA wants to share their feelings, discuss the relationship, or explore the future, the DA’s instinct is to retreat or shut down immediately rather than engage. They often withdraw to escape “arguments” (perceived criticism) and stressful emotions, their deactivating thoughts driving them far away from their partner. The DA’s desire to keep the relationship easy and surface-level isn’t because they don’t care; it’s because conflict triggers their deepest insecurities.  Many (most) DAs grew up without the appropriate emotional attunement from their caregivers and were often criticized or emotionally neglected, leaving them with a core “defectiveness” wound. At their core, DA’s believe they are not good enough, some even believing others will find out how “worthless” or “incompetent” they really are in love and in life (distorted thinking).  When a DA senses their FA partner is unhappy with them, it activates this wound, immediately creating deep feelings of shame and even anger. Rather than face their feelings, the dismissive avoidant partner copes by creating space, including (but not limited to) emotional distance. In short, the DA craves a peaceful relationship where they never have to feel inadequate or criticized ever again (as they were in childhood). Frankly, their desire is unrealistic, as ANY  criticism (even constructive) or neediness from a partner will typically send them running for the hills. As you can imagine, these unreasonable expectations often leave the DA with failed relationship after failed relationship, or they end up settling to avoid seeming  defective, but must then fight back resentment every day for the rest of their marriage. It is not uncommon for avoidants to end up committing to someone they don’t truly love, as real, deep emotions feel very uncomfortable to them long-term.  The Fearful Avoidant’s Need to Be Seen, Heard, and Understood In contrast, a fearful-avoidant partner’s biggest need in life and in love is to be truly & deeply seen, heard, and understood.  Ouch . Fearful avoidant attachment is one of the rarest attachment styles, but they are some of the deepest feelers and fastest emotional processors. While it is a vast FA spectrum, to keep things simple, think of FA’s as a mix of dismissive avoidant and anxious preoccupied attachment styles. Depending on the nature of a stimulus, FA’s can lean anxious or avoidant at any given moment.  Because of this, FA’s experience extreme inner turmoil – they desperately want closeness and validation, yet they also deeply fear it. This attachment style (sometimes called disorganized attachment or anxious avoidant) usually comes from early trauma or inconsistent caregiving (marked by a lack of appropriate emotional attunement). FA’s learned to associate love with uncertainty, chaos, & even intermittent pain. As adults, they crave the deepest connections but are also constantly on guard for dishonesty or betrayal. At their core, fearful avoidants carry a deep wound of betrayal. Their pervasive fear, that their heart will be broken if they offer their full trust, often leaves them paranoid and their actions unpredictable (even erratic). In childhood, they were likely deeply (& repeatedly) hurt by someone they trusted (most likely a guardian figure), so now they are hypervigilant for any sign of deceit. They are good at this, examining everything under a microscope with a thick, negative lens.   In the FA’s mind, it’s not “if” but “when” they will be betrayed. They hold the pervasive core belief “I WILL be betrayed or abandoned.”​ This is actually an adaptive belief that kept them safe in childhood, but it causes them excess anxiety when attempting to nurture new connections in adulthood. The FA’s pain is primal: when their betrayal schema is activated, they might feel intense panic, anxiety, rage, and despair as if reliving all past “abandonments” at once.  The FA can seem to switch personalities: one moment they’re warm & profoundly loving, and the next they’re defensive, anxious, suspicious, or cold. FA’s often need reassurance that their partner truly sees them, understands them,  and loves them for who they are. Feeling ignored or misunderstood will trigger the FA’s fear of betrayal and abandonment. In response, we might see protest behaviors (anger, silence, criticism) or the stereotypical anxious preoccupied attachment style behaviors, depending on which way their nervous system chooses to learn (anxious or avoidant). Anxious preoccupied behaviors include excessive reassurance-seeking, over-communicating needs for closeness, and even coercive co-regulation. While FA’s are less likely to engage in coercive co-regulation attempts, they need emotional presence from their partner. They need to feel that their thoughts, ideas, fears, and feelings matter. Otherwise, they will sometimes cling too tightly to a certain outcome or suddenly withdraw, unsure whether to pursue love or protect themselves. Conflicting Needs and the Push-Pull Dynamic You can see why these two attachment styles together might have some challenges. 🫠  It’s no surprise that the DA and FA create a volatile push-pull cycle as their core needs are directly at odds.  The DA withdraws to regulate their nervous systems, while the FA pursues (or pushes) for answers & validation. This often becomes a painful dance with one partner chasing and the other withdrawing. When an FA feels their needs aren’t being met, they will likely begin to work harder for closeness. They might raise concerns, seek reassurance, or express frustration about feeling unheard. In their eyes, this is an attempt to bridge the gap, but the dismissive avoidant experiences this as an ambush, full of conflict or criticism, which then threatens their need for harmony. The more the FA approaches with emotion, the more the DA’s defectiveness wound begins to sting (“I can’t do anything right”, “I’m a bad partner”), and the DA responds by shutting down or pulling away even further. The DA’s retreat triggers that aforementioned betrayal wound in the FA. The fearful avoidant partner, sensing this distancing, feels abandoned and betrayed (“I knew I’d be left once I opened up!”). In pain and panic, the FA may lash out or become highly emotional, which only convinces the DA that peace is gone. In conflict, a DA is not just hearing an upset partner – they are feeling a lifetime of inadequacy. This reinforces their choice to distance and disconnect.  This cycle can repeat endlessly.  Ironically, both partners actually hurt for the same reason: each is afraid of not being good enough or of being hurt/abandoned by the other. Yet their coping strategies are so opposite that neither will have their needs met by the other. The result is a relationship that swings between intense closeness and heartbreaking distance, often in rapid succession. Over time, both individuals feel exhausted, wounded, and confused. The FA feels unseen and betrayed, while the DA feels inadequate and overwhelmed. Without intervention, this looping dynamic tends to worsen with each conflict, as trust erodes and resentments build. Understanding the core wounds is key to breaking these patterns because it shifts the focus from blaming to empathizing. Why the DA-FA Relationship Rarely Works Without Help Given how entrenched these needs and wounds are, it’s almost impossible for a DA-FA relationship to thrive without conscious effort or professional intervention. Both partners are essentially fighting their own childhood ghosts (as well as each other). In time, the cycle of pursuit and withdrawal will become more extreme and even toxic. These relationships can very easily be mistaken for ones where narcissistic abuse is at play.  In many cases, the relationship will end painfully unless changes are made. A skilled therapist or relationship coach can help the dismissive avoidant learn to gradually face vulnerability and discomfort. Likewise, the fearful avoidant can learn to self-soothe and limit their time putting their partner under a microscope. If one or both partners refuse to acknowledge the issues or get help, the unhealthy pattern will not cease with just time. Unfortunately, dismissive avoidants are notorious for avoiding therapy since it involves emotional exploration and exposure. To be fair, the wrong therapy CAN actually worsen the DA’s habits. Without the appropriate interventions, the DA-FA pair often reaches a breaking point where the FA feels too hurt to continue or the DA feels too emotionally flooded, incapable, or incompetent to cope, and they part ways. In some cases, the relationship limps along in chronic dissatisfaction, leaving both parties suffering. Healthy resolution requires interrupting the cycles mentioned above, healing the wounds beneath them, and developing new communication habits – all of which are far more attainable with attachment theory informed, professional help. If you find yourself in this dynamic, know that you’re not alone and it’s not totally hopeless – but it won’t fix itself without effort from both parties. In the end, a DA-FA relationship can become stable and supportive, but it takes two self-aware partners and often a lot of work. Remember, love shouldn’t be a painful, repetitive cycle. Change is possible, and everyone deserves a relationship where both people feel loved, seen, safe, and understood. Secure attachment is possible. Looking for therapy to address your attachment style & move towards secure attachment? Read more about how Two Lights Therapy Center approaches treatment: Homepage:   https://www.twolightstherapy.com/ Therapy for Attachment Styles: https://www.twolightstherapy.com/attachment Couples Therapy for Attachment Challenges: https://www.twolightstherapy.com/couples-therapy-for-attachment-styles Want to work with an attachment specialist for therapy?  Virtual Sessions for survivors can be booked by emailing: hello@twolightstherapy.com  or by visiting:   https://www.twolightstherapy.com/contact   Two Lights Therapy Center | Chicago, Illinois. Narcissism & Attachment Specialists Please Note: The information provided in these blog posts is for informational and educational purposes only. It is not intended to be a substitute for professional therapy or therapeutic services. While these blogs are written by licensed psychotherapists, readers should not use this content as a replacement for individualized advice or treatment. If you are experiencing a crisis or need immediate assistance, please call 911 or contact other emergency services in your area.

Let’s name what a lot of people are already thinking. Yes, attachment theory has been watered down online. It gets flattened into easily applied labels, dating stereotypes, and “good vs. bad” categories that miss the point entirely. While attachment theory does help us understand how we adapted to our early environments, those adaptations were never meant to be used for moral judgments about who is healthy or “broken”. At Two Lights Therapy Center, we see attachment styles as evidence of resilience. Every pattern developed for a reason. They helped you stay safe, stay connected, or stay regulated in the relationships you had at the time. Even when those strategies don’t serve you later in life, they still deserve to be honored and respected. The problem isn’t at all that attachment theory is popular. We welcome an increase in psychoeducation for all! The problem is that popularity has made it sometimes seem shallow. Your “attaching style” is starting to just sound like the results of some personality quiz, but in all actuality, attachment theory is one of the most researched and clinically grounded frameworks in modern psychology. Attachment Styles Are Nervous System Patterns, Not Personality Traits Attachment styles don’t just describe your dating habits (like how quickly you text back). Attachment reflects how your nervous system learned to recognize safety and threat in relationships. These patterns are shaped long before logic or choice comes into play, and they affect all areas of your life. Online content often turns attachment into caricatures. Anxious becomes “needy.” Avoidant becomes “emotionally unavailable.” The issue is, that framing strips away the evolutionary biology and psychology underneath it. Attachment theory isn’t about labeling people. It’s about understanding how closeness, danger, and connection were organized in the body long before they were understood in words. Why Attachment Styles Matter in Therapy Attachment-informed therapy works because it doesn’t rely on insight alone. It works with the nervous system, not just the thinking mind. So many clients already know their patterns. They intellectualize. They know why they choose certain partners. They know what they “should” do differently…and yet the same cycles keep happening. This isn’t due to a lack of motivation or self-awareness. It’s because the nervous system doesn’t change through logic alone. Attachment theory helps us explain why people can understand their patterns intellectually but still feel pulled back into them (emotionally). Therapy becomes the place where those patterns are not just discussed, but slowly rewired using trauma-informed modalities. Attachment theory bridges the gap between insight and change. Attachment Theory Is Neuroscience Attachment theory lives at the intersection of neuroscience, trauma research, and developmental psychology.  It is one of the most compassionate frameworks we have because it doesn’t ask what’s wrong with someone. It asks what happened and what their nervous system had to learn in order to survive. Yes, the internet has simplified it, but that simplification doesn’t erase the depth of it all. So once and for all: attachment theory is not pop psychology. It is clinical psychology, and it absolutely belongs in serious, evidence-based therapy. If you are looking to find secure attachment, we are here to help. With the right support, attachment patterns can shift and transform. Whenever you are ready, we can assist you in exploring your options. Looking for Relational Therapy or EMDR Therapy to address your attachment trauma and attachment style? Read more about how Two Lights Therapy Center approaches attachment trauma treatment:   https://www.twolightstherapy.com/ https://www.twolightstherapy.com/attachment Chicago Attachment- Focused Therapist Virtual Sessions with Erika, a Chicago attachment-focused therapist, can be scheduled by emailing: hello@twolightstherapy.com  or by visiting:   https://www.twolightstherapy.com/contact     Two Lights Therapy Center PLLC | Chicago, Illinois. Attachment Trauma Specialist and Psychotherapist Please Note: The information provided in these blog posts is for informational and educational purposes only. It is not intended to be a substitute for professional therapy or therapeutic services. While these blogs are written by licensed psychotherapists, readers should not use this content as a replacement for individualized advice or treatment. If you are experiencing a crisis or need immediate assistance, please call 911 or contact other emergency services in your area.

As a Chicago-based therapist specializing in EMDR for narcissistic abuse and complex trauma, I often explain that we are not limited to targeting memories alone with this modality. One of the biggest misconceptions about EMDR is that it only works for “big traumatic events.” While significant, event-based trauma can absolutely be addressed with EMDR (PTSD symptoms), narcissistic abuse is commonly associated with a more complex trauma. The impacts of narcissistic abuse don’t often originate from a singular moment in time but instead from repeated exposure to antagonistic relational stress. EMDR for narcissistic abuse must address memories, nervous system states, body sensations, and the accompanying, generated negative beliefs. With Somatic & Attachment-Focused EMDR , we can target the way trauma shows up right now . Not all trauma is memory-based. Much of it is state-based, belief-based, and somatic. The EMDR Target Types We Work With in Narcissistic Abuse Recovery : 1. Event-Based EMDR Targets (Commonly Associated with PTSD) These are specific moments: An experience of violence or assault An explosive argument The discard A major betrayal A moment you realized something was very “off” The day you tried to leave 2. State-Based EMDR Targets (“Being Around Them”) Sometimes the trauma isn’t one moment. The target becomes the internal experience of existing  in that environment. This is extremely common in narcissistic abuse. It’s the state : Feeling unable to express yourself The feeling of knowing your partner is being unfaithful Walking on eggshells Feeling small, frozen, burdensome Constant hypervigilance and anxiety 3. Trigger-Based EMDR Targets (Present-Day Reactivity) These are the moments that catch you off guard: A text notification A certain tone of voice Certain kinds of touch Social media banners A certain song Being ignored Feeling criticized 4. Belief-Based EMDR Targets (“I’m not safe”) Narcissistic abuse installs beliefs at a nervous-system level. These beliefs can be directly targeted with EMDR, even if you can’t name a single origin memory: “I’m not safe.” “I don’t matter.” “I’m the problem.” “I’m bad.” “I’m annoying.” “I have to earn love.” “Something is wrong with me.” 5. Somatic-Based EMDR Targets (Body Sensations) In SAFE EMDR, we can start with the body itself. No story required. Your nervous system holds the map:  Tight chest Numbness Shoulder pain Clenched jaw Lump in throat Heavy stomach Shallow breathing Knot in your back Why This Matters for Narcissistic Abuse Recovery Narcissistic abuse is relational trauma. It’s chronic, sometimes subtle, and cumulative. That means the EMDR protocols used must be flexible, attachment-aware, and somatically informed. This is why working with a therapist who understands narcissistic abuse, C-PTSD, and attachment trauma is truly essential. Virtual EMDR for Narcissistic Abuse in Chicago If you are trying to find EMDR therapy for narcissistic abuse , C-PTSD, or complex trauma in Chicago (or anywhere in Illinois), you’re welcome to reach out. We're happy to help you explore whether Somatic & Attachment-Focused EMDR feels like the right fit for you. Contact Two Lights Therapy Center  to learn more about somatic and attachment-focused EMDR therapy and how we can support your recovery. Want to work with a specialist?  Virtual Sessions with Erika  can be scheduled by emailing: hello@twolightstherapy.com  or by visiting:   https://www.twolightstherapy.com/contact         Two Lights Therapy Center PLLC | Chicago, Illinois. Therapist Specializing in Narcissistic Abuse & High-Conflict Relational Dynamics Please Note: The information provided in these blog posts is for informational and educational purposes only. It is not intended to be a substitute for professional therapy or therapeutic services. While these blogs are written by licensed psychotherapists, readers should not use this content as a replacement for individualized advice or treatment. If you are experiencing a crisis or need immediate assistance, please call 911 or contact other emergency services in your area.

At Two Lights Therapy Center , we use a variation of Eye Movement Desensitization and Reprocessing Therapy called Somatic and Attachment-Focused Eye Movement Desensitization and Reprocessing because narcissistic abuse so often requires unique and specialized care. The effects of narcissistic abuse are still, unfortunately, deeply misunderstood by many. With narcissistic abuse, time collapses. Past attachment injuries are reactivated at the same moment that new traumas are being formed, making the experience both a reopening of old scars and a creation of new attachment wounds. Relational abuse reaches backward into old attachment wounds while simultaneously creating new trauma in the present, which is why healing often feels nonlinear. Survivors are not just carrying heavy, painful memories and dodging constant coercion…they're also often carrying the hallmarks of complex trauma and C-PTSD (Complex Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder): chronic self-doubt, loss of internal trust, and a nervous system that had learned to stay on high alert in order to survive. That is why, at Two Lights Therapy Center, our work with EMDR goes beyond standard reprocessing. We focus on restoring safety in the body, rebuilding emotional authority, fostering a corrective therapeutic relationship, and repairing the relational wounds that narcissistic abuse creates. Two Lights Therapy Center serves clients in Chicago and throughout Illinois who are seeking specialized, trauma-informed, virtual therapy for narcissistic abuse, C-PTSD, and complex trauma. What Makes Narcissistic Abuse a Unique Form of Trauma Narcissistic abuse is not one singular event. It is a chronic, relational, and psychologically disorienting pattern of stress over time. Antagonistic relational stress can completely alter one’s sense of identity, making existence feel like agony. Survivors often learn to doubt their own perception, ignore their instincts, and suppress their own needs almost entirely. This is why narcissistic abuse is so strongly linked to C-PTSD and complex trauma. The trauma does not only live in memories. This kind of relational trauma lives in the body, in our attachment patterns, and in the way a person relates to themselves. Hypervigilance can almost become a lifestyle for many survivors, making joy and living in the moment feel impossible. Narcissistic Abuse, C-PTSD, and Complex Trauma While C-PTSD is not a formal DSM diagnosis, many survivors of narcissistic abuse experience patterns that align with what is commonly described as Complex Post-Traumatic Stress. Unlike PTSD, which often follows a single traumatic event, complex trauma develops from chronic relational and destabilizing experiences over time. This includes experiences such as: Gaslighting Manipulation Trauma bonding Coercive control Insecure attachment Long-term invalidation Loss of autonomy C-PTSD and complex trauma impact: Nervous system regulation Identity and self-worth Trust in others Boundaries Physical wellbeing Survivors may experience: Chronic shame Hypervigilance Body pain Digestive/gastrointestinal issues Hair loss Weight loss Numbness, overwhelm, or a functional freeze Guilt Difficulty feeling safe in relationships Confusion about their own needs and rights Effective treatment MUST address all of this, not just singular, isolated memories. An integrative care team is often required. Why We Use Somatic and Attachment-Focused EMDR at Two Lights Therapy Center Somatic and Attachment-Focused EMDR recognizes that trauma is stored in the nervous system, not just the mind. For survivors of narcissistic abuse, C-PTSD, and complex trauma, stabilization and embodied safety are not optional. They are the foundation that makes relational trauma processing possible, and they allow EMDR to feel grounding rather than destabilizing (which prevents retraumatization). Somatic EMDR helps to reduce hypervigilance, rebuild intuition, improve regulation, and support healthy coping abilities. For survivors who learned to disconnect from their bodies in order to survive, this work can be deeply restorative. Why Attachment-Focused EMDR Is Essential for Narcissistic Abuse Recovery C-PTSD is fundamentally an attachment injury. Narcissistic abuse happens in relationship, so the healing must include relationship as well. This means relational therapy and corrective relationships are typically required. Attachment-focused EMDR Therapy recognizes that: Trust was broken in connection Safety was conditional Love was tied to compliance Emotional needs were minimized or punished At Two Lights Therapy Center, EMDR is always paired with: Strong relational safety Unconditional positive regard Consent-based pacing Emotional validation Clear power awareness Collaborative decision-making One of the most beautiful benefits is that the therapeutic relationship becomes part of the healing. True relational therapy is not just a container for trauma work, but it is a corrective emotional experience that restores safety, agency, and trust. EMDR and relational therapy are never rushed. Your nervous system leads the pace. Healing must restore agency, not replicate powerlessness. This is especially important for survivors who have experienced coercive control, a loss of autonomy, and constant boundary violation. Healing from narcissistic abuse, C-PTSD, and complex trauma is not about becoming someone new. It is about returning to who you were before your reality was distorted. Somatic & Attachment-Focused EMDR Helps with Long-Term Healing by supporting: Emotional regulation Reduced shame and self-blame Reconnection to intuition Strengthened self-trust Healthier relational boundaries A stable internal sense of safety EMDR Therapy for Narcissistic Abuse , C-PTSD, and Complex Trauma in Chicago Two Lights Therapy Center provides trauma-informed EMDR therapy for survivors of narcissistic abuse, C-PTSD, and complex trauma in Chicago and throughout Illinois. We specialize in: Narcissistic dynamics & narcissism High-conflict relationships Attachment trauma, attachment injury & early attachment disruption  Trauma bonds & partial reward schedules  Long-term relational trauma & other kinds of complex trauma You do not need to overexplain or justify what you experienced. We understand the terrain. We've been there. We've seen it. Begin Somatic & Attachment-Focused EMDR in Illinois If you are seeking EMDR therapy for narcissistic abuse , C-PTSD, or complex trauma in Chicago or anywhere in Illinois, Two Lights Therapy Center offers a grounded, specialized, and compassionate approach. You deserve therapy that honors your lived experience and restores your internal authority. Contact Two Lights Therapy Center  to learn more about somatic and attachment-focused EMDR therapy and how we can support your recovery. Want to work with a specialist?  Virtual Sessions with Erika can be scheduled by emailing: hello@twolightstherapy.com  or by visiting:   https://www.twolightstherapy.com/contact       Two Lights Therapy Center PLLC | Chicago, Illinois. Specializing in Narcissistic & Antagonistic Personality Styles and High-Conflict Relational Dynamics Please Note: The information provided in these blog posts is for informational and educational purposes only. It is not intended to be a substitute for professional therapy or therapeutic services. While these blogs are written by licensed psychotherapists, readers should not use this content as a replacement for individualized advice or treatment. If you are experiencing a crisis or need immediate assistance, please call 911 or contact other emergency services in your area.

If you've experienced narcissistic abuse or another form of antagonistic relational stress, you likely feel the presence of deep emotional wounds on a daily basis, though they may feel hard to fully identify or name (let alone heal). EMDR therapy can help you process and close the wounds that have been left by the trauma you’ve faced in your relationship, as well as wounds from long before it. EMDR works by targeting the unprocessed trauma, negative beliefs, and painful memories that are keeping you feeling stuck. How EMDR Helps in Narcissistic Abuse Recovery Narcissistic abuse often leaves survivors with unprocessed trauma that has led to distorted beliefs about themselves and others. These beliefs aren’t random. They are actually shaped by repeated exposure to antagonism and emotional abuse (the invalidation, gaslighting, manipulation etc.). EMDR (Eye Movement Desensitization and Reprocessing) is a research-backed therapy that helps adjust how the brain (and body) store these painful memories and negative cognitions. EMDR can also help clients break the trauma bond or trauma bonds that are keeping them stuck in toxic relationship cycles. What is EMDR Unlike talk therapy, EMDR therapy incorporates bilateral stimulation (through guided eye movements). This process is thought to help the brain shift how traumatic memories are stored by better integrating them and reducing their intensity over time.​ Current theories suggest it may support this integration by stimulating both hemispheres of the brain and engaging the nervous system in states of dual attention. Studies show that EMDR therapy is especially helpful for survivors of trauma and can significantly reduce symptoms of PTSD in as little as 6 sessions. Targeting Negative Core Beliefs EMDR works by first identifying and then reprocessing the core beliefs that formed as a result of abuse (often EARLIER abuse or neglect as well), such as:  “I’m not good enough,” “I can’t trust anyone,” or “I’m a burden.” These beliefs are not just thoughts. They are often stored in the body as what can be called “felt truths”. By briefly revisiting key moments and memories that reinforced your negative beliefs, EMDR helps your brain finally set down the emotional pain and install more adaptive truths such as: “I am worthy,” “I am likable,” “I can trust my instincts,” and “I’m safe now.” Addressing New or Adopted Beliefs After the Abuse Sometimes, the most harmful beliefs don’t form during the relationship; they might arise after it ends. You might now feel broken, embarrassed, ashamed, or fearful that you’ll repeat the same pattern with the same person (or in your next similar dynamic). You may no longer trust yourself, your judgment, or your ability to love yourself. EMDR can help process any newly adopted negative beliefs by helping your brain to integrate more compassionate, empowered narratives. Reprocessing Specific Traumatic Memories EMDR is also incredibly effective for targeting specific flashpoints or moments of betrayal, abandonment, or psychological manipulation that still feel raw and real. Whether it's a particularly painful conversation, a moment of obscene gaslighting, or the exact second you realized the relationship you were in wasn’t safe, EMDR helps the brain move that memory from “now” to “then.” The brain can have difficulty properly placing traumas on a timeline, but EMDR can help to reorganize information in ways that promote better balance in reality.  Healing After Narcissistic Abuse is Possible This blog is oversimplifying the EMDR process and its power, but we will continue to write blogs that dive in a bit deeper. If you feel like you are haunted by the past or like your sense of self has been battered & shattered, you are not alone. EMDR can offer us a path forward that is clear of any roadblocks. By helping your nervous system and subconscious release what no longer serves you, you can return to regulation once more.  Curious to see if EMDR is right for you? I specialize in helping clients recover from narcissistic abuse by integrating a relational, attachment-informed EMDR approach into therapy. Learn more about the various services I offer at my practice, Two Lights Therapy Center:   https://www.twolightstherapy.com/ Virtual Sessions can be scheduled by emailing: hello@twolightstherapy.com  or by visiting:   https://www.twolightstherapy.com/contact     Two Lights Therapy Center PLLC | Chicago, Illinois Narcissistic Abuse Therapy & EMDR for Narcissistic Abuse Recovery Please Note: The information provided in these blog posts is for informational and educational purposes only. It is not intended to be a substitute for professional therapy or therapeutic services. While these blogs are written by licensed psychotherapists, readers should not use this content as a replacement for individualized advice or treatment. If you are experiencing a crisis or need immediate assistance, please call 911 or contact other emergency services in your area.

If you lean dismissive avoidant in relationships, traditional talk therapy might sometimes make you feel really exposed. Don’t even get me STARTED on how activating couples therapy can be for a more dismissive avoidant person, especially if it feels like your partner is running circles around you, processing at lightning speeds! You know  there are things lurking beneath your surface, but sometimes you just really don’t want to sit there, analyze, and articulate them in real-time (with someone staring at you). Here’s why EMDR for dismissive avoidant attachment (Eye Movement Desensitization and Reprocessing) can be such a good alternative to talk therapy when working towards attachment security! Dismissive Avoidants don’t need to perfectly articulate their emotions in EMDR therapy With EMDR, you only have to give your therapist a “headline”. This might be a memory, a somatic sensation, or a more general theme. There’s no pressure to share every detail of what you’re feeling or thinking about, and there’s often no sense of an “emotional interrogation”. You also won’t be asked to explain the feelings that haven’t fully formed for you yet, a common problem in talk therapy. In EMDR therapy, the processing happens internally. Using bilateral stimulation (with a light bar), we help the nervous system to process and reintegrate traumatic memories. In many ways, EMDR supports the claim that many avoidant individuals have been making all along: talking about things over and over isn’t always helpful.  Dismissive Avoidants can expand their capacity for vulnerability without feeling exposed Dismissive avoidants often do feel deeply, but grew up having to rely only on themselves when it came to emotional regulation (without proper parental attunement or thoughtful support). EMDR supports a gradual emotional experience with an attuned figure present, but without the overwhelm, softening protective defenses without forcing openness. The EMDR model can help people feel both safe and in control of the pace of sessions. It can be hard to heal and feel when what you actually feel is…cornered. And EMDR is not just for avoidants... EMDR Therapy For Anxious-Preoccupied Attachment (AP) EMDR is such a gift for people who overthink and seek reassurance because it helps to shift their nervous system out of panic and analyze mode and into integration. It also helps because: There’s less room for rumination or people pleasing You don’t spend the session trying to think your way out of your feelings Healing happens somatically, not just intellectually EMDR Therapy For Fearful-Avoidant (FA) (Also Called Disorganized Attachment) Individuals with disorganized attachment often experienced some very significant early traumas and thus have deep betrayal wounds. EMDR helps support the part of you that longs for connection and  also the part that fears it. EMDR helps you to: Access the early trauma without flooding you with overwhelm Build more internal safety & lessen reactivity (crucial for FA nervous systems) Repair the early attachment blueprints that make closeness feel urgent, desperate, and dangerous. EMDR doesn’t force you to talk your way into recovery and instead helps you feel more safe in connecting with yourself (which makes connecting with others more possible). While exploring a therapy that isn’t talk therapy can feel strange, once you get used to the silence, I think you’ll find this modality is pretty magical.  Starting EMDR Therapy For Dismissive Avoidant Attachment If you are looking to find secure attachment, we are here to help. With the right support, attachment patterns can shift and transform. Whenever you are ready, we can assist you in exploring your options. Looking for EMDR therapy to address your attachment trauma and attachment style? Read more about how Two Lights Therapy Center approaches attachment trauma treatment:   https://www.twolightstherapy.com/ https://www.twolightstherapy.com/attachment Want to work with an attachment trauma specialist for therapy?  Virtual Sessions with Erika can be scheduled by emailing: hello@twolightstherapy.com  or by visiting:   https://www.twolightstherapy.com/contact     Two Lights Therapy Center PLLC | Chicago, Illinois. Narcissism & Attachment Trauma Specialist and Psychotherapist Please Note: The information provided in these blog posts is for informational and educational purposes only. It is not intended to be a substitute for professional therapy or therapeutic services. While these blogs are written by licensed psychotherapists, readers should not use this content as a replacement for individualized advice or treatment. If you are experiencing a crisis or need immediate assistance, please call 911 or contact other emergency services in your area.

In recent clinical conversations, a new narrative has emerged: “Attachment styles oversimplify things.”   “Attachment language is overused, diluted down, and used as an excuse by clients.” “Attachment labels can limit clients.”   “We shouldn’t utilize attachment style categories to explain behaviors to clients.” At Two Lights Therapy Center in Chicago, we respectfully disagree. Attachment language, when used wisely, does not limit people. In actuality, it helps people organize experiences and empowers them to make actionable change. For many clients, learning about their attachment patterns is the first time their emotional world actually makes sense. Rather than pathologizing or reducing complexity, attachment styles offer a gentle and accessible starting point for self-understanding. Accessibility matters. Insight matters. Language for your inner world matters. Policing language or taking it away from clients doesn’t protect them. It disempowers them. People don’t need graduate-level psychology training to benefit from attachment concepts. For those recovering from relational trauma or narcissistic abuse, clarity is not a luxury. It is, in fact, often a lifeline. Attachment Styles Aren’t Diagnoses or Boxes. They’re Blueprints. Attachment styles are often misunderstood as rigid categories or personality labels. In reality, they represent adaptations and behavioral patterns formed through early relational experiences. Attachment styles are: Descriptive, not defining Somewhat fluid and not completely fixed Context-dependent and relationally shaped Invitations for curiosity, not any kind of constraint No clinician should be telling a client who they are exactly, but many clients benefit profoundly from understanding why they respond the way they do (and learning that those responses developed for a reason). Self-awareness is not pathology. It’s permission. At Two Lights, we remind clients: Attachment patterns are adaptations, not flaws These adaptations formed to protect you They live in the nervous system and not just in the mind They can change through hard work, safety, and attuned connection You are not “an anxious person” or “an avoidant person.” You are a human being who had to adapt to your early environment.  The Issue Isn’t the Framework. It’s the Framing. When attachment styles are misused or misrepresented ("I'm anxious, so I'm broken" or "avoidants are mean and just don’t care"), the problem is not attachment theory but the oversimplified teachings or pop psychology hot takes online. Rather than abandoning helpful language, we can elevate it, reminding clients that attachment styles offer a starting point, not the whole story. They create shared language for relational patterns and help clients feel seen rather than blamed. Another important thing to consider is that attachment patterns guide treatment, not identity. Our role as clinicians is not to remove frameworks but to deepen them with nuance and expert clinical care. Attachment Patterns Live in the Nervous System Attachment is not simply a cognitive narrative. It is somatic, relational, and deeply driven into the nervous system. This is why insight alone rarely shifts patterns. Change requires safety, connection, capacity building, and experiential processing. At Two Lights Therapy Center, we integrate trauma-informed relational therapy with Somatic and attachment-focused EMDR ( S.A.F.E. EMDR). This work goes beyond just identifying patterns and helps clients repattern and reshape their systems in order to move toward secure attachment. Where Somatics & Attachment Meet: S.A.F.E. EMDR Healing isn't always possible if we stay in the cognitive layers alone. Attachment wounds live in the body, so attachment healing must involve the body! That’s why our practice offers somatic and attachment-focused EMDR (S.A.F.E. EMDR). This is a trauma-informed approach that integrates attachment theory, attuned relational therapy, trauma processing, and other bottom-up processes, like parts work (not just insight). Clients don’t just learn to understand their attachment patterns in this space. They learn to rewire them. We’re not just identifying anxious or avoidant patterns. We’re helping clients build earned secure attachment from the foundation up, identifying the root and addressing early traumatic experiences. When Attachment Language Heals Our clients often share sentiments like: “I finally feel like my experiences make sense.” “Now I see why I react the way I do.” “I used to blame myself...but now I see the pattern.” "For the first time in my life, I understand my impulsive reactions."  "I feel less alone in my pain, and much more hopeful." This is the power of research-supported psychological language in the hands of the people who need it most. Dismissing attachment styles because they’re “popular” right now ignores the reality that many survivors of relational trauma were never given language for what they lived through. Naming a pattern is the first step to changing it. Healing begins when your experience has language. Naming a pattern isn’t limiting. It’s liberating. Attachment theory becomes unhelpful only when misapplied: As identity rather than adaptation As destiny rather than a shapeable experience As self-criticism instead of understanding Attachment work must honor complexity. Our goal is to help you expand capacity for connection, safety, and trust. Earned Secure Attachment Is Possible Healing attachment patterns is not about “fixing” yourself. It is about cultivating: Emotional regulation Capacity for intimacy and boundaries Trust in your internal world and relational world A nervous system that experiences connection and closeness as safety After corrective experiences with attunement, somatic work, and relational repair, many of our clients move much more easily toward earned secure attachment.  Beginning This Work If you are navigating anxious, avoidant, or disorganized attachment patterns or seeking deeper relational clarity, we are here to help. With the right support, attachment patterns can soften, expand, and transform before your very eyes. When you are ready, we are here to help. Looking for therapy to address your attachment trauma and attachment style? Read more about how Two Lights Therapy Center approaches attachment trauma treatment:   https://www.twolightstherapy.com/ https://www.twolightstherapy.com/attachment Want to work with an attachment specialist for therapy?  Virtual Sessions with Erika can be booked by emailing: hello@twolightstherapy.com  or by visiting:   https://www.twolightstherapy.com/contact   Two Lights Therapy Center PLLC | Chicago, Illinois. Narcissism & Attachment Style Therapist Please Note: The information provided in these blog posts is for informational and educational purposes only. It is not intended to be a substitute for professional therapy or therapeutic services. While these blogs are written by licensed psychotherapists, readers should not use this content as a replacement for individualized advice or treatment. If you are experiencing a crisis or need immediate assistance, please call 911 or contact other emergency services in your area.

Understanding the Root: Attachment Trauma is Central to Our Work At Two Lights Therapy Center here in Chicago, we recognize that every client’s story is as unique as they are. That said, most clients’ relational and emotional challenges stem from one all-too-common experience: attachment trauma.  Whether someone comes in for narcissistic abuse recovery, relationship challenges, antagonistic traits, anxiety, or chronic self-doubt, the common thread is how early experiences shaped their sense of safety and connection. That’s why we specialize in attachment-focused EMDR and relational trauma therapy in order to help clients heal not just the symptoms, but the source . Nearly every client who passes through Two Lights Therapy Center receives therapy for attachment trauma in some way, shape, or form. Why is this? Because many mental health challenges can be traced back to how our nervous system first learned (or didn’t learn) to feel safe, seen, heard, understood, and connected. What Is Attachment Trauma? Attachment trauma arises when our early caregivers or guardian figures were inconsistent, unavailable, critical, or emotionally unsafe, creating attachment learnings that can negatively impact us later in life. Over time, our brains and bodies adapt for survival by disconnecting, fearing, people-pleasing, numbing out, or over-functioning. These protective patterns can look like persistent personality traits, but at their core, they’re trauma responses built around unmet attachment needs. While personality is very stable, addressing attachment trauma can alter how you show up in the world and in your relationships. Don't let anyone try to tell you this work won't be effective. If you're willing to commit to the process, the results can be completely life-changing. Why Attachment Trauma Shows Up in So Many Forms You don’t need a “big T” trauma to have attachment trauma. It can arise from the small, repeated moments of disconnection or fear that taught you to suppress your emotions, doubt yourself, perform for love, or expect abandonment. Countless people end up in therapy thinking they’re there to address something else in a vacuum (like anxiety, depression, an eating disorder, toxic relationships, or perfectionism), only to realize later on that they’re really working on processing their early attachment trauma. Attachment learnings can absolutely be unlearned. It just takes time and trust in the process.  Healing Attachment Trauma Through EMDR At Two Lights Therapy Center, our work integrates somatic and attachment-focused EMDR, parts work, and relational processing to help clients not only understand their patterns but rewire  them completely if necessary. EMDR helps the nervous system safely revisit and resolve the stuck memories and sensations that shape our daily lived experiences. EMDR is not talk therapy. In fact, the processing and integration that happens in EMDR does not require a significant amount of verbal disclosure, which many clients appreciate. The result of this treatment is a deeper sense of safety, trust, and more authentic connections within yourself and with others out in the world.  Why This Matters “Attachment style” isn’t just a buzzword. In fact, we believe attachment styles (shaped by attachment trauma) are the blueprint underneath nearly every mental health struggle. When the right therapy addresses these early experiences directly, healing becomes more possible, embodied, and self-led. Addressing the root of your symptoms, instead of focusing on quick fixes, will allow for long-lasting change. Looking for therapy to address your attachment trauma and attachment style? Read more about how Two Lights Therapy Center approaches treatment:   https://www.twolightstherapy.com/ https://www.twolightstherapy.com/attachment Want to work with an attachment specialist for therapy?  Virtual Sessions with Erika can be booked by emailing: hello@twolightstherapy.com  or by visiting:   https://www.twolightstherapy.com/contact     Two Lights Therapy Center PLLC | Chicago, Illinois. Narcissism & Attachment Style Therapist Please Note: The information provided in these blog posts is for informational and educational purposes only. It is not intended to be a substitute for professional therapy or therapeutic services. While these blogs are written by licensed psychotherapists, readers should not use this content as a replacement for individualized advice or treatment. If you are experiencing a crisis or need immediate assistance, please call 911 or contact other emergency services in your area.

When it feels like your relationship with a dismissive avoidant partner is failing, couples therapy might seem like the obvious next step. It can only really help, right? Well, not exactly. It can actually be a bad idea (shocking, right?). I see this mistake made time and time again, and it’s a shame more couples therapists don’t catch it before things start to go south. If your partner has a dismissive avoidant attachment style, rushing into joint sessions isn’t always the most effective place to start, and can sometimes make things worse. Let’s explore why this is. It's not your fault that you didn't know! Why Dismissive Avoidants Shut Down in Couples Work Dismissive avoidant partners learned in childhood that expressing emotions isn’t safe, welcome, or even really acceptable, and their brains are designed to avoid overwhelming emotional displays (both their own & those of others). Because these neural pathways are so deeply paved, in couples therapy (where feelings run high and topics move quickly), they often unconsciously hit their system’s brakes. In a session, you may notice your dismissive avoidant partner becoming numb and distant (freeze) or getting irritated and wanting to leave (fight/flee). This is often an automatic response that has little to do with a lack of love, though it can feel that way. Meanwhile, the therapist and the non-dismissive avoidant partner are usually faster emotional processors. This mismatch can leave the DA partner feeling “defective,” reinforcing the very shame and fear of rejection they already carry. Any perceived (real or imaginary) “two against one” vibes can cause a dismissive avoidant to associate therapy with confrontation. This is why individual therapy for both partners is often a better option to explore first.  The Benefits of Starting With Individual Therapy Before jumping into couples sessions, many DA partners (and their partners) benefit from working one-on-one with a specialized therapist. Individual therapy can offer: Safety, privacy, & space to unpack fears without feeling exposed or judged. A slower, tolerable pace so that avoidants can gradually build an emotional vocabulary & capacity for vulnerability  Practice with vulnerability & learning how to share/hear deep feelings without fully shutting down, getting annoyed, or lashing out. This solid foundation helps many dismissive avoidant individuals feel less threatened in future couples sessions, and makes the work far more productive for all involved. Couples therapy can be a powerful tool and experience, but timing and pacing really do matter. Want Couples Therapy with a Dismissive Avoidant? Need help finding the right therapist for couples therapy? Looking for therapy to address your own attachment style & to help you move towards a secure attachment style? Reach out to Two Light’s Therapy Center to explore treatment options or for a referral to another trusted practice. Two Lights Therapy Center specializes in couples therapy for attachment style-related challenges and also offers individual therapy to help clients reach secure attachment. Read more about how Two Lights Therapy Center approaches treatment:   https://www.twolightstherapy.com/ https://www.twolightstherapy.com/attachment https://www.twolightstherapy.com/couples-therapy-for-attachment-styles Want to work with an attachment specialist for therapy?  Virtual Sessions with Erika can be booked by emailing: hello@twolightstherapy.com  or by visiting:   https://www.twolightstherapy.com/contact     Two Lights Therapy Center PLLC | Chicago, Illinois. Narcissism & Attachment Style Therapist Please Note: The information provided in these blog posts is for informational and educational purposes only. It is not intended to be a substitute for professional therapy or therapeutic services. While these blogs are written by licensed psychotherapists, readers should not use this content as a replacement for individualized advice or treatment. If you are experiencing a crisis or need immediate assistance, please call 911 or contact other emergency services in your area.

Why Toxic “Love” Can Feel Like Fate Let's talk about narcissistic abuse and partial reward schedules. As a therapist who specializes in narcissism and narcissistic abuse, a phenomenon I hear about frequently is the inability of clients to find the right support because they feel they can’t be honest with their support system. And the reason they feel they can’t be honest? Well…their abuser still feels like their soulmate. The shame brought on by this reality can feel all-consuming, and when they have shared this with one or more trusted confidants, they’ve been met with judgment and more confusion. Feeling like the narcissist is your soulmate or that the universe must have deeper plans for you as a couple is not uncommon. Many survivors of narcissistic abuse describe their partner as feeling like their “soulmate” or “twinflame.” The intensity, the highs and lows, and the difficulty leaving once and for all can feel almost…supernatural. But some basic neuroscience can offer us an explanation: trauma bonds, partial reward schedules, and dopamine-driven learning loops. These connections can feel less like a choice and more like a compulsion. What feels like destiny is actually just a conditioned response in the brain, and it’s not as complex as it feels. It’s normal to feel both relieved and a bit hurt when learning about these concepts. Becoming more educated on this topic can change your life for the better. Still, it can also feel like it shatters your reality/any lingering illusions, so take care of yourself during and after reading this blog.  Partial Reward Schedules and Reinforcement Learning A partial reward schedule (also called an intermittent reinforcement schedule) is a type of learning pattern (think of it like a phenomenon or experience) where a behavior is reinforced only some of the time. In other words, a “reward” doesn’t show up predictably and is occasional, irregular, and often uncertain. With continuous reinforcement (consistent rewards for a behavior), the brain learns quickly but also loses interest quickly once the reward stops. With partial reinforcement (on a partial reward schedule), the brain learns more slowly, but the behavior becomes much harder to stop or extinguish, because you never know when the next reward will arrive. For example, this is why slot machines are so incredibly addictive. The brain keeps firing off hits of dopamine in anticipation of the potential reward (fingers crossed). It’s also why inconsistent affection in a narcissistic relationship can feel so all-consuming. In narcissistic abuse, the “jackpot” is those rare bursts of love, intimate sex, attention, or tenderness. The “loss” is criticism, neglect, or dismissive displays. Because the rewards are unpredictable, the brain learns to keep trying (to be chosen), creating a powerful attachment and often devastating outcomes for someone who is trying to break away (or at least knows deep down they should). Another example would be something like going outside with your friends to see if the ice cream man was around. Do you remember being a kid and hearing that ice cream truck coming? It wasn't often, but when you did hear that tune in the distance, it was extremely exciting. You never knew if or when it would show up, but when you finally saw that truck coming...THE THRILL WAS REAL. Now, if the ice cream man came by every night at 5 pm, that would have been cool...but it wouldn't have been quite as intense an experience given the predictability. The unpredictability is what made it so powerful. Dopamine: Much More Than the “Pleasure Neurotransmitter” Dopamine is often misunderstood as a “feel-good chemical.” In reality, dopamine’s core function is to signal salience, motivation, and prediction error. I personally describe dopamine as the “motivation neurotransmitter” because I think it’s the most accurate descriptor. Prediction error means dopamine neurons fire most strongly when an outcome is even better than expected (or predicted). Intermittent affection creates repeated positive prediction errors, which strengthen the motivation to pursue the love of your abuser. Rather than creating lasting happiness however, dopamine just pushes you to keep seeking, checking, and hoping. This is why inconsistent love feels so much more intense than steady, consistent attention. Your dopamine system is trained to chase uncertainty. Ugh. The Stress-Relief Cycle and Cortisol The loop is further reinforced by some stress physiology. When you’re devalued, ignored, gaslit, or stonewalled, your body floods with cortisol and adrenaline, preparing for a perceived threat (often the threat of abandonment). When the narcissist finally shifts back to offering affection, you experience profound relief. That relief isn’t neutral, unfortunately, and it gets encoded in your memory as a powerful reward. Over time, your brain begins to equate the abuser with both the pain and the soothing. This dual encoding strengthens what’s often called a trauma bond. I’m sure you’ve heard of those… The Illusion of Destiny Within Narcissistic Abuse and Partial Reward Schedules From the inside, this neurochemical con-job can feel like a true soulmate connection that no one seems to understand. The highs are intoxicating, the lows are unbearable, and the cycle wires itself deep into memory and motivation circuits. You may wonder if it’s just that other people have never experienced this kind of love. Maybe it’s special…maybe it’s fate. But this isn’t fate. It’s conditioning. Dopamine keeps you chasing the next unpredictable reward. Cortisol and relief intensify the emotional, dopaminergic imprinting. Synaptic plasticity means each cycle strengthens the bond. The “destiny” you feel is really your brain adapting to inconsistency and the creation of the meaning-making we utilize to cope. Why Trauma Bonds Are Not Permanent The same neuroplasticity that wired you into this cycle can help you rewire out of it. Recovery involves: Creating environments of consistent safety and exploring corrective intimate/platonic relationships (so your nervous system learns to trust steadiness). Using bottom-up therapies like EMDR or somatic work to update memory-emotion associations and core beliefs. Building secure attachment patterns that make safety feel natural rather than boring. Embracing consistency over chaos (this is way more difficult than most people realize)! When love feels addictive, it’s easy to believe it must be destiny. I get it. Why else would you feel this way? Of course, as we’ve discussed here today, the neuroscience tells a different story. That soulmate illusion is just a creation designed by dopamine-driven reinforcement learning and stress-relief cycles, not fate. It’s dopamine, not destiny. GOOD NEWS. That means the cycle can be broken... ...Ready to Break The Trauma Bond? Join Me For Narcissistic Abuse Therapy in Chicago, IL I offer virtual treatment for narcissism, narcissistic abuse, attachment trauma, couples challenges, and family conflict. Reach out when you're feeling ready to explore these patterns more deeply. Virtual Narcissistic Abuse Recovery Therapy, EMDR for Narcissistic Abuse, Couples Therapy, Family Therapy & More in Chicago, Illinois If you’re looking for that kind of therapeutic support, learn more about my Narcissistic Abuse Recovery services: Narcissistic Abuse Therapy: https://www.twolightstherapy.com/narcissistic-abuse-therapy EMDR for Narcissistic Abuse: https://www.twolightstherapy.com/emdr-for-narcissistic-abuse Narcissistic Abuse Intensive Sessions: https://www.twolightstherapy.com/narcissistic-abuse-intensives Therapy for Attachment Styles: https://www.twolightstherapy.com/attachment-styles-therapy Couples Therapy for Attachment Challenges: https://www.twolightstherapy.com/couples-therapy-for-attachment-styles   Explore my website to see all treatment options.   Two Lights Therapy Center PLLC | Chicago, Illinois. Narcissistic Abuse Recovery Therapy & Narcissistic Personality Treatment Please Note: The information provided in these blog posts is for informational and educational purposes only. It is not intended to be a substitute for professional therapy or therapeutic services. While licensed psychotherapists write these blogs, readers should not use this content as a replacement for individualized advice or treatment. If you are experiencing a crisis or need immediate assistance, please call 911 or contact other emergency services in your area.