As a Chicago-based therapist specializing in EMDR for narcissistic abuse and complex trauma, I often explain that we are not limited to targeting memories alone with this modality. One of the biggest misconceptions about EMDR is that it only works for “big traumatic events.” While significant, event-based trauma can absolutely be addressed with EMDR (PTSD symptoms), narcissistic abuse is commonly associated with a more complex trauma. The impacts of narcissistic abuse don’t often originate from a singular moment in time but instead from repeated exposure to antagonistic relational stress. EMDR for narcissistic abuse must address memories, nervous system states, body sensations, and the accompanying, generated negative beliefs. With Somatic & Attachment-Focused EMDR , we can target the way trauma shows up right now . Not all trauma is memory-based. Much of it is state-based, belief-based, and somatic. The EMDR Target Types We Work With in Narcissistic Abuse Recovery : 1. Event-Based EMDR Targets (Commonly Associated with PTSD) These are specific moments: An experience of violence or assault An explosive argument The discard A major betrayal A moment you realized something was very “off” The day you tried to leave 2. State-Based EMDR Targets (“Being Around Them”) Sometimes the trauma isn’t one moment. The target becomes the internal experience of existing  in that environment. This is extremely common in narcissistic abuse. It’s the state : Feeling unable to express yourself The feeling of knowing your partner is being unfaithful Walking on eggshells Feeling small, frozen, burdensome Constant hypervigilance and anxiety 3. Trigger-Based EMDR Targets (Present-Day Reactivity) These are the moments that catch you off guard: A text notification A certain tone of voice Certain kinds of touch Social media banners A certain song Being ignored Feeling criticized 4. Belief-Based EMDR Targets (“I’m not safe”) Narcissistic abuse installs beliefs at a nervous-system level. These beliefs can be directly targeted with EMDR, even if you can’t name a single origin memory: “I’m not safe.” “I don’t matter.” “I’m the problem.” “I’m bad.” “I’m annoying.” “I have to earn love.” “Something is wrong with me.” 5. Somatic-Based EMDR Targets (Body Sensations) In SAFE EMDR, we can start with the body itself. No story required. Your nervous system holds the map:  Tight chest Numbness Shoulder pain Clenched jaw Lump in throat Heavy stomach Shallow breathing Knot in your back Why This Matters for Narcissistic Abuse Recovery Narcissistic abuse is relational trauma. It’s chronic, sometimes subtle, and cumulative. That means the EMDR protocols used must be flexible, attachment-aware, and somatically informed. This is why working with a therapist who understands narcissistic abuse, C-PTSD, and attachment trauma is truly essential. Virtual EMDR for Narcissistic Abuse in Chicago If you are trying to find EMDR therapy for narcissistic abuse , C-PTSD, or complex trauma in Chicago (or anywhere in Illinois), you’re welcome to reach out. We're happy to help you explore whether Somatic & Attachment-Focused EMDR feels like the right fit for you. Contact Two Lights Therapy Center  to learn more about somatic and attachment-focused EMDR therapy and how we can support your recovery. Want to work with a specialist?  Virtual Sessions with Erika  can be scheduled by emailing: hello@twolightstherapy.com  or by visiting:   https://www.twolightstherapy.com/contact         Two Lights Therapy Center PLLC | Chicago, Illinois. Therapist Specializing in Narcissistic Abuse & High-Conflict Relational Dynamics Please Note: The information provided in these blog posts is for informational and educational purposes only. It is not intended to be a substitute for professional therapy or therapeutic services. While these blogs are written by licensed psychotherapists, readers should not use this content as a replacement for individualized advice or treatment. If you are experiencing a crisis or need immediate assistance, please call 911 or contact other emergency services in your area.

At Two Lights Therapy Center , we use a variation of Eye Movement Desensitization and Reprocessing Therapy called Somatic and Attachment-Focused Eye Movement Desensitization and Reprocessing because narcissistic abuse so often requires unique and specialized care. The effects of narcissistic abuse are still, unfortunately, deeply misunderstood by many. With narcissistic abuse, time collapses. Past attachment injuries are reactivated at the same moment that new traumas are being formed, making the experience both a reopening of old scars and a creation of new attachment wounds. Relational abuse reaches backward into old attachment wounds while simultaneously creating new trauma in the present, which is why healing often feels nonlinear. Survivors are not just carrying heavy, painful memories and dodging constant coercion…they're also often carrying the hallmarks of complex trauma and C-PTSD (Complex Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder): chronic self-doubt, loss of internal trust, and a nervous system that had learned to stay on high alert in order to survive. That is why, at Two Lights Therapy Center, our work with EMDR goes beyond standard reprocessing. We focus on restoring safety in the body, rebuilding emotional authority, fostering a corrective therapeutic relationship, and repairing the relational wounds that narcissistic abuse creates. Two Lights Therapy Center serves clients in Chicago and throughout Illinois who are seeking specialized, trauma-informed, virtual therapy for narcissistic abuse, C-PTSD, and complex trauma. What Makes Narcissistic Abuse a Unique Form of Trauma Narcissistic abuse is not one singular event. It is a chronic, relational, and psychologically disorienting pattern of stress over time. Antagonistic relational stress can completely alter one’s sense of identity, making existence feel like agony. Survivors often learn to doubt their own perception, ignore their instincts, and suppress their own needs almost entirely. This is why narcissistic abuse is so strongly linked to C-PTSD and complex trauma. The trauma does not only live in memories. This kind of relational trauma lives in the body, in our attachment patterns, and in the way a person relates to themselves. Hypervigilance can almost become a lifestyle for many survivors, making joy and living in the moment feel impossible. Narcissistic Abuse, C-PTSD, and Complex Trauma While C-PTSD is not a formal DSM diagnosis, many survivors of narcissistic abuse experience patterns that align with what is commonly described as Complex Post-Traumatic Stress. Unlike PTSD, which often follows a single traumatic event, complex trauma develops from chronic relational and destabilizing experiences over time. This includes experiences such as: Gaslighting Manipulation Trauma bonding Coercive control Insecure attachment Long-term invalidation Loss of autonomy C-PTSD and complex trauma impact: Nervous system regulation Identity and self-worth Trust in others Boundaries Physical wellbeing Survivors may experience: Chronic shame Hypervigilance Body pain Digestive/gastrointestinal issues Hair loss Weight loss Numbness, overwhelm, or a functional freeze Guilt Difficulty feeling safe in relationships Confusion about their own needs and rights Effective treatment MUST address all of this, not just singular, isolated memories. An integrative care team is often required. Why We Use Somatic and Attachment-Focused EMDR at Two Lights Therapy Center Somatic and Attachment-Focused EMDR recognizes that trauma is stored in the nervous system, not just the mind. For survivors of narcissistic abuse, C-PTSD, and complex trauma, stabilization and embodied safety are not optional. They are the foundation that makes relational trauma processing possible, and they allow EMDR to feel grounding rather than destabilizing (which prevents retraumatization). Somatic EMDR helps to reduce hypervigilance, rebuild intuition, improve regulation, and support healthy coping abilities. For survivors who learned to disconnect from their bodies in order to survive, this work can be deeply restorative. Why Attachment-Focused EMDR Is Essential for Narcissistic Abuse Recovery C-PTSD is fundamentally an attachment injury. Narcissistic abuse happens in relationship, so the healing must include relationship as well. This means relational therapy and corrective relationships are typically required. Attachment-focused EMDR Therapy recognizes that: Trust was broken in connection Safety was conditional Love was tied to compliance Emotional needs were minimized or punished At Two Lights Therapy Center, EMDR is always paired with: Strong relational safety Unconditional positive regard Consent-based pacing Emotional validation Clear power awareness Collaborative decision-making One of the most beautiful benefits is that the therapeutic relationship becomes part of the healing. True relational therapy is not just a container for trauma work, but it is a corrective emotional experience that restores safety, agency, and trust. EMDR and relational therapy are never rushed. Your nervous system leads the pace. Healing must restore agency, not replicate powerlessness. This is especially important for survivors who have experienced coercive control, a loss of autonomy, and constant boundary violation. Healing from narcissistic abuse, C-PTSD, and complex trauma is not about becoming someone new. It is about returning to who you were before your reality was distorted. Somatic & Attachment-Focused EMDR Helps with Long-Term Healing by supporting: Emotional regulation Reduced shame and self-blame Reconnection to intuition Strengthened self-trust Healthier relational boundaries A stable internal sense of safety EMDR Therapy for Narcissistic Abuse , C-PTSD, and Complex Trauma in Chicago Two Lights Therapy Center provides trauma-informed EMDR therapy for survivors of narcissistic abuse, C-PTSD, and complex trauma in Chicago and throughout Illinois. We specialize in: Narcissistic dynamics & narcissism High-conflict relationships Attachment trauma, attachment injury & early attachment disruption  Trauma bonds & partial reward schedules  Long-term relational trauma & other kinds of complex trauma You do not need to overexplain or justify what you experienced. We understand the terrain. We've been there. We've seen it. Begin Somatic & Attachment-Focused EMDR in Illinois If you are seeking EMDR therapy for narcissistic abuse , C-PTSD, or complex trauma in Chicago or anywhere in Illinois, Two Lights Therapy Center offers a grounded, specialized, and compassionate approach. You deserve therapy that honors your lived experience and restores your internal authority. Contact Two Lights Therapy Center  to learn more about somatic and attachment-focused EMDR therapy and how we can support your recovery. Want to work with a specialist?  Virtual Sessions with Erika can be scheduled by emailing: hello@twolightstherapy.com  or by visiting:   https://www.twolightstherapy.com/contact       Two Lights Therapy Center PLLC | Chicago, Illinois. Specializing in Narcissistic & Antagonistic Personality Styles and High-Conflict Relational Dynamics Please Note: The information provided in these blog posts is for informational and educational purposes only. It is not intended to be a substitute for professional therapy or therapeutic services. While these blogs are written by licensed psychotherapists, readers should not use this content as a replacement for individualized advice or treatment. If you are experiencing a crisis or need immediate assistance, please call 911 or contact other emergency services in your area.

If you've experienced narcissistic abuse or another form of antagonistic relational stress, you likely feel the presence of deep emotional wounds on a daily basis, though they may feel hard to fully identify or name (let alone heal). EMDR therapy can help you process and close the wounds that have been left by the trauma you’ve faced in your relationship, as well as wounds from long before it. EMDR works by targeting the unprocessed trauma, negative beliefs, and painful memories that are keeping you feeling stuck. How EMDR Helps in Narcissistic Abuse Recovery Narcissistic abuse often leaves survivors with unprocessed trauma that has led to distorted beliefs about themselves and others. These beliefs aren’t random. They are actually shaped by repeated exposure to antagonism and emotional abuse (the invalidation, gaslighting, manipulation etc.). EMDR (Eye Movement Desensitization and Reprocessing) is a research-backed therapy that helps adjust how the brain (and body) store these painful memories and negative cognitions. EMDR can also help clients break the trauma bond or trauma bonds that are keeping them stuck in toxic relationship cycles. What is EMDR Unlike talk therapy, EMDR therapy incorporates bilateral stimulation (through guided eye movements). This process is thought to help the brain shift how traumatic memories are stored by better integrating them and reducing their intensity over time.​ Current theories suggest it may support this integration by stimulating both hemispheres of the brain and engaging the nervous system in states of dual attention. Studies show that EMDR therapy is especially helpful for survivors of trauma and can significantly reduce symptoms of PTSD in as little as 6 sessions. Targeting Negative Core Beliefs EMDR works by first identifying and then reprocessing the core beliefs that formed as a result of abuse (often EARLIER abuse or neglect as well), such as:  “I’m not good enough,” “I can’t trust anyone,” or “I’m a burden.” These beliefs are not just thoughts. They are often stored in the body as what can be called “felt truths”. By briefly revisiting key moments and memories that reinforced your negative beliefs, EMDR helps your brain finally set down the emotional pain and install more adaptive truths such as: “I am worthy,” “I am likable,” “I can trust my instincts,” and “I’m safe now.” Addressing New or Adopted Beliefs After the Abuse Sometimes, the most harmful beliefs don’t form during the relationship; they might arise after it ends. You might now feel broken, embarrassed, ashamed, or fearful that you’ll repeat the same pattern with the same person (or in your next similar dynamic). You may no longer trust yourself, your judgment, or your ability to love yourself. EMDR can help process any newly adopted negative beliefs by helping your brain to integrate more compassionate, empowered narratives. Reprocessing Specific Traumatic Memories EMDR is also incredibly effective for targeting specific flashpoints or moments of betrayal, abandonment, or psychological manipulation that still feel raw and real. Whether it's a particularly painful conversation, a moment of obscene gaslighting, or the exact second you realized the relationship you were in wasn’t safe, EMDR helps the brain move that memory from “now” to “then.” The brain can have difficulty properly placing traumas on a timeline, but EMDR can help to reorganize information in ways that promote better balance in reality.  Healing After Narcissistic Abuse is Possible This blog is oversimplifying the EMDR process and its power, but we will continue to write blogs that dive in a bit deeper. If you feel like you are haunted by the past or like your sense of self has been battered & shattered, you are not alone. EMDR can offer us a path forward that is clear of any roadblocks. By helping your nervous system and subconscious release what no longer serves you, you can return to regulation once more.  Curious to see if EMDR is right for you? I specialize in helping clients recover from narcissistic abuse by integrating a relational, attachment-informed EMDR approach into therapy. Learn more about the various services I offer at my practice, Two Lights Therapy Center:   https://www.twolightstherapy.com/ Virtual Sessions can be scheduled by emailing: hello@twolightstherapy.com  or by visiting:   https://www.twolightstherapy.com/contact     Two Lights Therapy Center PLLC | Chicago, Illinois Narcissistic Abuse Therapy & EMDR for Narcissistic Abuse Recovery Please Note: The information provided in these blog posts is for informational and educational purposes only. It is not intended to be a substitute for professional therapy or therapeutic services. While these blogs are written by licensed psychotherapists, readers should not use this content as a replacement for individualized advice or treatment. If you are experiencing a crisis or need immediate assistance, please call 911 or contact other emergency services in your area.

If you lean dismissive avoidant in relationships, traditional talk therapy might sometimes make you feel really exposed. Don’t even get me STARTED on how activating couples therapy can be for a more dismissive avoidant person, especially if it feels like your partner is running circles around you, processing at lightning speeds! You know  there are things lurking beneath your surface, but sometimes you just really don’t want to sit there, analyze, and articulate them in real-time (with someone staring at you). Here’s why EMDR for dismissive avoidant attachment (Eye Movement Desensitization and Reprocessing) can be such a good alternative to talk therapy when working towards attachment security! Dismissive Avoidants don’t need to perfectly articulate their emotions in EMDR therapy With EMDR, you only have to give your therapist a “headline”. This might be a memory, a somatic sensation, or a more general theme. There’s no pressure to share every detail of what you’re feeling or thinking about, and there’s often no sense of an “emotional interrogation”. You also won’t be asked to explain the feelings that haven’t fully formed for you yet, a common problem in talk therapy. In EMDR therapy, the processing happens internally. Using bilateral stimulation (with a light bar), we help the nervous system to process and reintegrate traumatic memories. In many ways, EMDR supports the claim that many avoidant individuals have been making all along: talking about things over and over isn’t always helpful.  Dismissive Avoidants can expand their capacity for vulnerability without feeling exposed Dismissive avoidants often do feel deeply, but grew up having to rely only on themselves when it came to emotional regulation (without proper parental attunement or thoughtful support). EMDR supports a gradual emotional experience with an attuned figure present, but without the overwhelm, softening protective defenses without forcing openness. The EMDR model can help people feel both safe and in control of the pace of sessions. It can be hard to heal and feel when what you actually feel is…cornered. And EMDR is not just for avoidants... EMDR Therapy For Anxious-Preoccupied Attachment (AP) EMDR is such a gift for people who overthink and seek reassurance because it helps to shift their nervous system out of panic and analyze mode and into integration. It also helps because: There’s less room for rumination or people pleasing You don’t spend the session trying to think your way out of your feelings Healing happens somatically, not just intellectually EMDR Therapy For Fearful-Avoidant (FA) (Also Called Disorganized Attachment) Individuals with disorganized attachment often experienced some very significant early traumas and thus have deep betrayal wounds. EMDR helps support the part of you that longs for connection and  also the part that fears it. EMDR helps you to: Access the early trauma without flooding you with overwhelm Build more internal safety & lessen reactivity (crucial for FA nervous systems) Repair the early attachment blueprints that make closeness feel urgent, desperate, and dangerous. EMDR doesn’t force you to talk your way into recovery and instead helps you feel more safe in connecting with yourself (which makes connecting with others more possible). While exploring a therapy that isn’t talk therapy can feel strange, once you get used to the silence, I think you’ll find this modality is pretty magical.  Starting EMDR Therapy For Dismissive Avoidant Attachment If you are looking to find secure attachment, we are here to help. With the right support, attachment patterns can shift and transform. Whenever you are ready, we can assist you in exploring your options. Looking for EMDR therapy to address your attachment trauma and attachment style? Read more about how Two Lights Therapy Center approaches attachment trauma treatment:   https://www.twolightstherapy.com/ https://www.twolightstherapy.com/attachment Want to work with an attachment trauma specialist for therapy?  Virtual Sessions with Erika can be scheduled by emailing: hello@twolightstherapy.com  or by visiting:   https://www.twolightstherapy.com/contact     Two Lights Therapy Center PLLC | Chicago, Illinois. Narcissism & Attachment Trauma Specialist and Psychotherapist Please Note: The information provided in these blog posts is for informational and educational purposes only. It is not intended to be a substitute for professional therapy or therapeutic services. While these blogs are written by licensed psychotherapists, readers should not use this content as a replacement for individualized advice or treatment. If you are experiencing a crisis or need immediate assistance, please call 911 or contact other emergency services in your area.

In recent clinical conversations, a new narrative has emerged: “Attachment styles oversimplify things.”   “Attachment language is overused, diluted down, and used as an excuse by clients.” “Attachment labels can limit clients.”   “We shouldn’t utilize attachment style categories to explain behaviors to clients.” At Two Lights Therapy Center in Chicago, we respectfully disagree. Attachment language, when used wisely, does not limit people. In actuality, it helps people organize experiences and empowers them to make actionable change. For many clients, learning about their attachment patterns is the first time their emotional world actually makes sense. Rather than pathologizing or reducing complexity, attachment styles offer a gentle and accessible starting point for self-understanding. Accessibility matters. Insight matters. Language for your inner world matters. Policing language or taking it away from clients doesn’t protect them. It disempowers them. People don’t need graduate-level psychology training to benefit from attachment concepts. For those recovering from relational trauma or narcissistic abuse, clarity is not a luxury. It is, in fact, often a lifeline. Attachment Styles Aren’t Diagnoses or Boxes. They’re Blueprints. Attachment styles are often misunderstood as rigid categories or personality labels. In reality, they represent adaptations and behavioral patterns formed through early relational experiences. Attachment styles are: Descriptive, not defining Somewhat fluid and not completely fixed Context-dependent and relationally shaped Invitations for curiosity, not any kind of constraint No clinician should be telling a client who they are exactly, but many clients benefit profoundly from understanding why they respond the way they do (and learning that those responses developed for a reason). Self-awareness is not pathology. It’s permission. At Two Lights, we remind clients: Attachment patterns are adaptations, not flaws These adaptations formed to protect you They live in the nervous system and not just in the mind They can change through hard work, safety, and attuned connection You are not “an anxious person” or “an avoidant person.” You are a human being who had to adapt to your early environment.  The Issue Isn’t the Framework. It’s the Framing. When attachment styles are misused or misrepresented ("I'm anxious, so I'm broken" or "avoidants are mean and just don’t care"), the problem is not attachment theory but the oversimplified teachings or pop psychology hot takes online. Rather than abandoning helpful language, we can elevate it, reminding clients that attachment styles offer a starting point, not the whole story. They create shared language for relational patterns and help clients feel seen rather than blamed. Another important thing to consider is that attachment patterns guide treatment, not identity. Our role as clinicians is not to remove frameworks but to deepen them with nuance and expert clinical care. Attachment Patterns Live in the Nervous System Attachment is not simply a cognitive narrative. It is somatic, relational, and deeply driven into the nervous system. This is why insight alone rarely shifts patterns. Change requires safety, connection, capacity building, and experiential processing. At Two Lights Therapy Center, we integrate trauma-informed relational therapy with Somatic and attachment-focused EMDR ( S.A.F.E. EMDR). This work goes beyond just identifying patterns and helps clients repattern and reshape their systems in order to move toward secure attachment. Where Somatics & Attachment Meet: S.A.F.E. EMDR Healing isn't always possible if we stay in the cognitive layers alone. Attachment wounds live in the body, so attachment healing must involve the body! That’s why our practice offers somatic and attachment-focused EMDR (S.A.F.E. EMDR). This is a trauma-informed approach that integrates attachment theory, attuned relational therapy, trauma processing, and other bottom-up processes, like parts work (not just insight). Clients don’t just learn to understand their attachment patterns in this space. They learn to rewire them. We’re not just identifying anxious or avoidant patterns. We’re helping clients build earned secure attachment from the foundation up, identifying the root and addressing early traumatic experiences. When Attachment Language Heals Our clients often share sentiments like: “I finally feel like my experiences make sense.” “Now I see why I react the way I do.” “I used to blame myself...but now I see the pattern.” "For the first time in my life, I understand my impulsive reactions."  "I feel less alone in my pain, and much more hopeful." This is the power of research-supported psychological language in the hands of the people who need it most. Dismissing attachment styles because they’re “popular” right now ignores the reality that many survivors of relational trauma were never given language for what they lived through. Naming a pattern is the first step to changing it. Healing begins when your experience has language. Naming a pattern isn’t limiting. It’s liberating. Attachment theory becomes unhelpful only when misapplied: As identity rather than adaptation As destiny rather than a shapeable experience As self-criticism instead of understanding Attachment work must honor complexity. Our goal is to help you expand capacity for connection, safety, and trust. Earned Secure Attachment Is Possible Healing attachment patterns is not about “fixing” yourself. It is about cultivating: Emotional regulation Capacity for intimacy and boundaries Trust in your internal world and relational world A nervous system that experiences connection and closeness as safety After corrective experiences with attunement, somatic work, and relational repair, many of our clients move much more easily toward earned secure attachment.  Beginning This Work If you are navigating anxious, avoidant, or disorganized attachment patterns or seeking deeper relational clarity, we are here to help. With the right support, attachment patterns can soften, expand, and transform before your very eyes. When you are ready, we are here to help. Looking for therapy to address your attachment trauma and attachment style? Read more about how Two Lights Therapy Center approaches attachment trauma treatment:   https://www.twolightstherapy.com/ https://www.twolightstherapy.com/attachment Want to work with an attachment specialist for therapy?  Virtual Sessions with Erika can be booked by emailing: hello@twolightstherapy.com  or by visiting:   https://www.twolightstherapy.com/contact   Two Lights Therapy Center PLLC | Chicago, Illinois. Narcissism & Attachment Style Therapist Please Note: The information provided in these blog posts is for informational and educational purposes only. It is not intended to be a substitute for professional therapy or therapeutic services. While these blogs are written by licensed psychotherapists, readers should not use this content as a replacement for individualized advice or treatment. If you are experiencing a crisis or need immediate assistance, please call 911 or contact other emergency services in your area.

Understanding the Root: Attachment Trauma is Central to Our Work At Two Lights Therapy Center here in Chicago, we recognize that every client’s story is as unique as they are. That said, most clients’ relational and emotional challenges stem from one all-too-common experience: attachment trauma.  Whether someone comes in for narcissistic abuse recovery, relationship challenges, antagonistic traits, anxiety, or chronic self-doubt, the common thread is how early experiences shaped their sense of safety and connection. That’s why we specialize in attachment-focused EMDR and relational trauma therapy in order to help clients heal not just the symptoms, but the source . Nearly every client who passes through Two Lights Therapy Center receives therapy for attachment trauma in some way, shape, or form. Why is this? Because many mental health challenges can be traced back to how our nervous system first learned (or didn’t learn) to feel safe, seen, heard, understood, and connected. What Is Attachment Trauma? Attachment trauma arises when our early caregivers or guardian figures were inconsistent, unavailable, critical, or emotionally unsafe, creating attachment learnings that can negatively impact us later in life. Over time, our brains and bodies adapt for survival by disconnecting, fearing, people-pleasing, numbing out, or over-functioning. These protective patterns can look like persistent personality traits, but at their core, they’re trauma responses built around unmet attachment needs. While personality is very stable, addressing attachment trauma can alter how you show up in the world and in your relationships. Don't let anyone try to tell you this work won't be effective. If you're willing to commit to the process, the results can be completely life-changing. Why Attachment Trauma Shows Up in So Many Forms You don’t need a “big T” trauma to have attachment trauma. It can arise from the small, repeated moments of disconnection or fear that taught you to suppress your emotions, doubt yourself, perform for love, or expect abandonment. Countless people end up in therapy thinking they’re there to address something else in a vacuum (like anxiety, depression, an eating disorder, toxic relationships, or perfectionism), only to realize later on that they’re really working on processing their early attachment trauma. Attachment learnings can absolutely be unlearned. It just takes time and trust in the process.  Healing Attachment Trauma Through EMDR At Two Lights Therapy Center, our work integrates somatic and attachment-focused EMDR, parts work, and relational processing to help clients not only understand their patterns but rewire  them completely if necessary. EMDR helps the nervous system safely revisit and resolve the stuck memories and sensations that shape our daily lived experiences. EMDR is not talk therapy. In fact, the processing and integration that happens in EMDR does not require a significant amount of verbal disclosure, which many clients appreciate. The result of this treatment is a deeper sense of safety, trust, and more authentic connections within yourself and with others out in the world.  Why This Matters “Attachment style” isn’t just a buzzword. In fact, we believe attachment styles (shaped by attachment trauma) are the blueprint underneath nearly every mental health struggle. When the right therapy addresses these early experiences directly, healing becomes more possible, embodied, and self-led. Addressing the root of your symptoms, instead of focusing on quick fixes, will allow for long-lasting change. Looking for therapy to address your attachment trauma and attachment style? Read more about how Two Lights Therapy Center approaches treatment:   https://www.twolightstherapy.com/ https://www.twolightstherapy.com/attachment Want to work with an attachment specialist for therapy?  Virtual Sessions with Erika can be booked by emailing: hello@twolightstherapy.com  or by visiting:   https://www.twolightstherapy.com/contact     Two Lights Therapy Center PLLC | Chicago, Illinois. Narcissism & Attachment Style Therapist Please Note: The information provided in these blog posts is for informational and educational purposes only. It is not intended to be a substitute for professional therapy or therapeutic services. While these blogs are written by licensed psychotherapists, readers should not use this content as a replacement for individualized advice or treatment. If you are experiencing a crisis or need immediate assistance, please call 911 or contact other emergency services in your area.

When it feels like your relationship with a dismissive avoidant partner is failing, couples therapy might seem like the obvious next step. It can only really help, right? Well, not exactly. It can actually be a bad idea (shocking, right?). I see this mistake made time and time again, and it’s a shame more couples therapists don’t catch it before things start to go south. If your partner has a dismissive avoidant attachment style, rushing into joint sessions isn’t always the most effective place to start, and can sometimes make things worse. Let’s explore why this is. It's not your fault that you didn't know! Why Dismissive Avoidants Shut Down in Couples Work Dismissive avoidant partners learned in childhood that expressing emotions isn’t safe, welcome, or even really acceptable, and their brains are designed to avoid overwhelming emotional displays (both their own & those of others). Because these neural pathways are so deeply paved, in couples therapy (where feelings run high and topics move quickly), they often unconsciously hit their system’s brakes. In a session, you may notice your dismissive avoidant partner becoming numb and distant (freeze) or getting irritated and wanting to leave (fight/flee). This is often an automatic response that has little to do with a lack of love, though it can feel that way. Meanwhile, the therapist and the non-dismissive avoidant partner are usually faster emotional processors. This mismatch can leave the DA partner feeling “defective,” reinforcing the very shame and fear of rejection they already carry. Any perceived (real or imaginary) “two against one” vibes can cause a dismissive avoidant to associate therapy with confrontation. This is why individual therapy for both partners is often a better option to explore first.  The Benefits of Starting With Individual Therapy Before jumping into couples sessions, many DA partners (and their partners) benefit from working one-on-one with a specialized therapist. Individual therapy can offer: Safety, privacy, & space to unpack fears without feeling exposed or judged. A slower, tolerable pace so that avoidants can gradually build an emotional vocabulary & capacity for vulnerability  Practice with vulnerability & learning how to share/hear deep feelings without fully shutting down, getting annoyed, or lashing out. This solid foundation helps many dismissive avoidant individuals feel less threatened in future couples sessions, and makes the work far more productive for all involved. Couples therapy can be a powerful tool and experience, but timing and pacing really do matter. Want Couples Therapy with a Dismissive Avoidant? Need help finding the right therapist for couples therapy? Looking for therapy to address your own attachment style & to help you move towards a secure attachment style? Reach out to Two Light’s Therapy Center to explore treatment options or for a referral to another trusted practice. Two Lights Therapy Center specializes in couples therapy for attachment style-related challenges and also offers individual therapy to help clients reach secure attachment. Read more about how Two Lights Therapy Center approaches treatment:   https://www.twolightstherapy.com/ https://www.twolightstherapy.com/attachment https://www.twolightstherapy.com/couples-therapy-for-attachment-styles Want to work with an attachment specialist for therapy?  Virtual Sessions with Erika can be booked by emailing: hello@twolightstherapy.com  or by visiting:   https://www.twolightstherapy.com/contact     Two Lights Therapy Center PLLC | Chicago, Illinois. Narcissism & Attachment Style Therapist Please Note: The information provided in these blog posts is for informational and educational purposes only. It is not intended to be a substitute for professional therapy or therapeutic services. While these blogs are written by licensed psychotherapists, readers should not use this content as a replacement for individualized advice or treatment. If you are experiencing a crisis or need immediate assistance, please call 911 or contact other emergency services in your area.

Why Toxic “Love” Can Feel Like Fate Let's talk about narcissistic abuse and partial reward schedules. As a therapist who specializes in narcissism and narcissistic abuse, a phenomenon I hear about frequently is the inability of clients to find the right support because they feel they can’t be honest with their support system. And the reason they feel they can’t be honest? Well…their abuser still feels like their soulmate. The shame brought on by this reality can feel all-consuming, and when they have shared this with one or more trusted confidants, they’ve been met with judgment and more confusion. Feeling like the narcissist is your soulmate or that the universe must have deeper plans for you as a couple is not uncommon. Many survivors of narcissistic abuse describe their partner as feeling like their “soulmate” or “twinflame.” The intensity, the highs and lows, and the difficulty leaving once and for all can feel almost…supernatural. But some basic neuroscience can offer us an explanation: trauma bonds, partial reward schedules, and dopamine-driven learning loops. These connections can feel less like a choice and more like a compulsion. What feels like destiny is actually just a conditioned response in the brain, and it’s not as complex as it feels. It’s normal to feel both relieved and a bit hurt when learning about these concepts. Becoming more educated on this topic can change your life for the better. Still, it can also feel like it shatters your reality/any lingering illusions, so take care of yourself during and after reading this blog.  Partial Reward Schedules and Reinforcement Learning A partial reward schedule (also called an intermittent reinforcement schedule) is a type of learning pattern (think of it like a phenomenon or experience) where a behavior is reinforced only some of the time. In other words, a “reward” doesn’t show up predictably and is occasional, irregular, and often uncertain. With continuous reinforcement (consistent rewards for a behavior), the brain learns quickly but also loses interest quickly once the reward stops. With partial reinforcement (on a partial reward schedule), the brain learns more slowly, but the behavior becomes much harder to stop or extinguish, because you never know when the next reward will arrive. For example, this is why slot machines are so incredibly addictive. The brain keeps firing off hits of dopamine in anticipation of the potential reward (fingers crossed). It’s also why inconsistent affection in a narcissistic relationship can feel so all-consuming. In narcissistic abuse, the “jackpot” is those rare bursts of love, intimate sex, attention, or tenderness. The “loss” is criticism, neglect, or dismissive displays. Because the rewards are unpredictable, the brain learns to keep trying (to be chosen), creating a powerful attachment and often devastating outcomes for someone who is trying to break away (or at least knows deep down they should). Another example would be something like going outside with your friends to see if the ice cream man was around. Do you remember being a kid and hearing that ice cream truck coming? It wasn't often, but when you did hear that tune in the distance, it was extremely exciting. You never knew if or when it would show up, but when you finally saw that truck coming...THE THRILL WAS REAL. Now, if the ice cream man came by every night at 5 pm, that would have been cool...but it wouldn't have been quite as intense an experience given the predictability. The unpredictability is what made it so powerful. Dopamine: Much More Than the “Pleasure Neurotransmitter” Dopamine is often misunderstood as a “feel-good chemical.” In reality, dopamine’s core function is to signal salience, motivation, and prediction error. I personally describe dopamine as the “motivation neurotransmitter” because I think it’s the most accurate descriptor. Prediction error means dopamine neurons fire most strongly when an outcome is even better than expected (or predicted). Intermittent affection creates repeated positive prediction errors, which strengthen the motivation to pursue the love of your abuser. Rather than creating lasting happiness however, dopamine just pushes you to keep seeking, checking, and hoping. This is why inconsistent love feels so much more intense than steady, consistent attention. Your dopamine system is trained to chase uncertainty. Ugh. The Stress-Relief Cycle and Cortisol The loop is further reinforced by some stress physiology. When you’re devalued, ignored, gaslit, or stonewalled, your body floods with cortisol and adrenaline, preparing for a perceived threat (often the threat of abandonment). When the narcissist finally shifts back to offering affection, you experience profound relief. That relief isn’t neutral, unfortunately, and it gets encoded in your memory as a powerful reward. Over time, your brain begins to equate the abuser with both the pain and the soothing. This dual encoding strengthens what’s often called a trauma bond. I’m sure you’ve heard of those… The Illusion of Destiny Within Narcissistic Abuse and Partial Reward Schedules From the inside, this neurochemical con-job can feel like a true soulmate connection that no one seems to understand. The highs are intoxicating, the lows are unbearable, and the cycle wires itself deep into memory and motivation circuits. You may wonder if it’s just that other people have never experienced this kind of love. Maybe it’s special…maybe it’s fate. But this isn’t fate. It’s conditioning. Dopamine keeps you chasing the next unpredictable reward. Cortisol and relief intensify the emotional, dopaminergic imprinting. Synaptic plasticity means each cycle strengthens the bond. The “destiny” you feel is really your brain adapting to inconsistency and the creation of the meaning-making we utilize to cope. Why Trauma Bonds Are Not Permanent The same neuroplasticity that wired you into this cycle can help you rewire out of it. Recovery involves: Creating environments of consistent safety and exploring corrective intimate/platonic relationships (so your nervous system learns to trust steadiness). Using bottom-up therapies like EMDR or somatic work to update memory-emotion associations and core beliefs. Building secure attachment patterns that make safety feel natural rather than boring. Embracing consistency over chaos (this is way more difficult than most people realize)! When love feels addictive, it’s easy to believe it must be destiny. I get it. Why else would you feel this way? Of course, as we’ve discussed here today, the neuroscience tells a different story. That soulmate illusion is just a creation designed by dopamine-driven reinforcement learning and stress-relief cycles, not fate. It’s dopamine, not destiny. GOOD NEWS. That means the cycle can be broken... ...Ready to Break The Trauma Bond? Join Me For Narcissistic Abuse Therapy in Chicago, IL I offer virtual treatment for narcissism, narcissistic abuse, attachment trauma, couples challenges, and family conflict. Reach out when you're feeling ready to explore these patterns more deeply. Virtual Narcissistic Abuse Recovery Therapy, EMDR for Narcissistic Abuse, Couples Therapy, Family Therapy & More in Chicago, Illinois If you’re looking for that kind of therapeutic support, learn more about my Narcissistic Abuse Recovery services: Narcissistic Abuse Therapy: https://www.twolightstherapy.com/narcissistic-abuse-therapy EMDR for Narcissistic Abuse: https://www.twolightstherapy.com/emdr-for-narcissistic-abuse Narcissistic Abuse Intensive Sessions: https://www.twolightstherapy.com/narcissistic-abuse-intensives Therapy for Attachment Styles: https://www.twolightstherapy.com/attachment-styles-therapy Couples Therapy for Attachment Challenges: https://www.twolightstherapy.com/couples-therapy-for-attachment-styles   Explore my website to see all treatment options.   Two Lights Therapy Center PLLC | Chicago, Illinois. Narcissistic Abuse Recovery Therapy & Narcissistic Personality Treatment Please Note: The information provided in these blog posts is for informational and educational purposes only. It is not intended to be a substitute for professional therapy or therapeutic services. While licensed psychotherapists write these blogs, readers should not use this content as a replacement for individualized advice or treatment. If you are experiencing a crisis or need immediate assistance, please call 911 or contact other emergency services in your area.

It can be hard to hear, but healing from narcissistic abuse can take a long time. Many survivors enter therapy with the hope that the relief will come on quickly, only to feel disappointed when change doesn’t happen overnight. Even with a supportive therapist, many survivors eventually notice that progress slows or their work feels incomplete. At that point, it’s easy to wonder: Is my therapist the problem? Am I the problem? Is this kind of therapy not working? The reality is often infinitely more complex: Therapy provides a solid foundation, but change requires that both the right therapeutic modalities are used and that clients are actively integrating the work outside of session. If you feel like therapy “hasn’t worked”, it often means you may have reached the point where deeper, body-based (somatic) approaches are needed. Insight and reflection are powerful first steps, but without integrating bottom-up trauma therapies like EMDR or parts work, the nervous system can certainly stay a bit stuck in old survival patterns. Why Insight Alone Often Isn’t Enough Talk therapy can create space for important “aha” moments and awesome insights, but psychoeducation and understanding what happened are only part of the narcissistic abuse recovery process. Without approaches that address both the mind and body, it’s not uncommon to feel like you’re circling the same issues without resolution. Gaslighting and trauma bonding wreak havoc on the nervous system and can cause substantial dysregulation. Talk therapy (and the corrective, relational work that happens there) absolutely needs to be a substantial part of narcissistic abuse therapy, but insight and validation alone aren’t always enough. It’s important to note that these modalities (bottom-up therapies) like EMDR require a foundation of strong rapport and relational safety, because we can only process trauma in the context of trust. So, you haven’t been wasting your time in therapy. It’s likely just time to ask your therapist about trying something new.  The Client’s Role in Healing From Narcissistic Abuse It’s important to remember that therapy isn’t something that happens to you. Therapy is something you do with your therapist. Survivors who only process during sessions but don’t practice new skills or take healthy risks outside of therapy will often feel stuck. This isn’t a sign that therapy has failed; it’s a signal that deeper engagement is needed. Depression and PTSD-like symptoms are not uncommon after narcissistic abuse, and if you are struggling to find motivation to "do the work", it can be important to explore barriers and also additional supports. Always remember: this is not an issue of laziness or incompetence. Expanding care teams to include a psychiatrist is often a requirement in cases where a client is struggling with significant and concerning feelings of hopelessness ( + a lack of motivation). Why EMDR is a Crucial Part of Narcissistic Abuse Recovery Therapy I use EMDR more and more each week in my practice. Eye Movement Desensitization & Reprocessing (EMDR) is a powerful therapeutic modality for processing trauma and treating the root of your challenges. Instead of just talking about what happened, EMDR helps your brain reprocess painful memories so they lose their emotional charge. By reprocessing these painful memories, sensations, and core beliefs, EMDR helps reduce emotional reactivity, quiet shame, and rebuild trust in your own reality. When combined with active participation between sessions, EMDR can help survivors feel in control of their lives once more.  Eye Movement Desensitization & Reprocessing (EMDR) is one of the most effective trauma therapies available today. For survivors of narcissistic abuse, this can mean: Feeling less triggered by memories of your abuser. Releasing shame and self-blame. Building trust in your own reality again. Moving beyond fight-or-flight mode. What To Do When You Feel Stuck If you’ve been in therapy for a while and aren’t seeing progress, consider asking yourself: Am I integrating what we discuss in sessions into my daily life? Have I explored body-based trauma therapies like EMDR or parts work? Am I open to staying consistent, even when change feels slow? Do I need to expand my care team to include additional supports or a higher level of care? These questions aren’t about pointing blame and are actually about reclaiming your role in the process. Learned helplessness can be an unfortunate side effect of antagonistic relational stress, but it’s vital that clients practice making the shifts that are within their control. Healing is collaborative, and the more you engage with it, the more you get out of it. EMDR Therapy, Narcissistic Abuse Therapy, Couples Therapy, Family Therapy & More in Chicago, IL If you’re looking for narcissistic abuse recovery therapy and EMDR therapy in Chicago or the surrounding suburbs, working with a trauma-informed, narcissism specialist can make all the difference. Learn more about my narcissistic abuse and narcissism-focused services: Narcissistic Abuse Therapy: https://www.twolightstherapy.com/narcissistic-abuse-therapy EMDR for Narcissistic Abuse: https://www.twolightstherapy.com/emdr-for-narcissistic-abuse Narcissistic Abuse Intensive Sessions: https://www.twolightstherapy.com/narcissistic-abuse-intensives Therapy for Narcissistic Personality Disorder: https://www.twolightstherapy.com/narcissistic-personality-disorder-therapy Therapy for Attachment Styles: https://www.twolightstherapy.com/attachment-styles-therapy Couples Therapy for Attachment Challenges: https://www.twolightstherapy.com/couples-therapy-for-attachment-styles   Explore my website to see all treatment options.     Two Lights Therapy Center PLLC | Chicago, Illinois. Narcissistic Abuse Recovery Therapy & Narcissistic Personality Disorder Therapy Please Note: The information provided in these blog posts is for informational and educational purposes only. It is not intended to be a substitute for professional therapy or therapeutic services. While licensed psychotherapists write these blogs, readers should not use this content as a replacement for individualized advice or treatment. If you are experiencing a crisis or need immediate assistance, please call 911 or contact other emergency services in your area.

Most people who have encountered narcissistic tendencies in the wild or within themselves end up very focused on the question: So, how does someone become a narcissist? It makes so much sense that people would wonder. Narcissism has some very unique features and manifests in ways that leave most with more questions than answers. In today’s world, the terms “narcissism” and “narcissist” get thrown around quite a bit, but most people don’t have a deeper understanding of their roots. This is a disservice to all of us, so let me help you explore these questions. To be clear, this blog isn’t here to justify narcissistic behaviors or narcissistic abuse. My goal is to explain how narcissistic traits form so that you can make sense of the painful patterns you’ve witnessed, without feeling responsible for changing someone else. While much of my work centers around treating narcissism, trust me, I am painfully aware that most narcissistic patterns endure even after treatment. That said, some unique individuals find success in therapy (but you cannot do therapy for someone else)! Narcissism Is Not Just a Personality Style, It’s a Trauma Response Most narcissists are made, not born. Narcissistic traits don’t typically appear out of nowhere. While a person’s temperament can be identified relatively early in life, personality tends to more fully stabilize by our twenties. Our early experiences, during key developmental periods, shape how we relate to ourselves, to others, and to the world around us. Many narcissistic behaviors are actually post-traumatic presentations or survival strategies adapted for one’s own protection.  Research indicates that narcissism is often linked to/associated with: Early neglect, abuse, or inconsistent caregiving Emotional attunement disruptions and attachment trauma Being treated as an “ego-extension” of a parent Conditional love and approval in childhood Parents with poor emotional boundaries Overindulgence of material needs by caregivers, but limited encouragement of emotional expression Children in these environments often learn to suppress vulnerability, over-perform, or create an inflated self-image as protection. Over time, they may become adults who struggle with: Emotional regulation Sustaining close relationships Handling disappointment Tolerating criticism or shame How Childhood Trauma Contributes to Narcissistic Traits Narcissistic individuals often didn’t learn how to self-regulate. They were never taught to manage emotions like anger, shame, or sadness, and instead, were rewarded for “controlling” (avoiding/repressing) their emotions, achievement, or external validation seeking. This can lead to: A limited or underdeveloped inner world Chronic emotional detachment Grandiose defenses (like entitlement or superiority) as protection Shame around emotion or even basic needs Some were spoiled with things but starved of safety, and others were taught that love had to be earned through performance or by gaining relational power. So, Why Doesn’t Everyone with Trauma Become a Narcissist? This is the question. The answer may partially lie in the concept of human temperament and our biological wiring. Two children can experience the same trauma but develop entirely different adaptations or coping strategies. One may withdraw, people-please, and fawn, while the other becomes more arrogant, entitled, reactive, or grandiose in their defense systems.  So while trauma increases the risk of narcissistic tendencies, narcissism is not a guaranteed outcome. It’s the product of both environment and temperament, combined with the brain’s attempt to survive chronic stress. So much is dependent on both the individual and the nature of the environment.  Can A Narcissist Change? Depending on who you ask, you will get different answers. Here is my answer: Change is possible, but rare, and it requires sustained hard work, considerable self-reflection, consistent therapy, and an ability to take accountability. The neural pathways involved in narcissistic defenses are deeply ingrained, and most attempts at rewiring fall flat. No amount of love or understanding can “fix” someone who isn’t truly willing to do their own work. And that’s where many people get stuck. Understanding someone’s trauma doesn’t mean tolerating abuse, manipulation, or constant boundary violations. You can hold compassion for narcissistic folks without losing yourself. That said, I take a unique approach to treating narcissistic behaviors and tendencies, and I have seen measurable success in a very particular kind of client. If a client has a deep desire to better understand themselves and the impact of the trauma they experienced, there is often some room for growth. Their genuine interest in psychoeducation and desire for better relational connectivity seems to be the recurring theme in my clients who can maintain a solid therapeutic relationship with me. Understanding Narcissistic Personality Traits To recap: Narcissism often stems from childhood trauma, neglect during developmental periods, and attachment wounds/damaging attachment learnings Temperament can, to some degree, explain why not everyone with trauma becomes narcissistic Grandiose behavior is protective and driven by fear, not confidence Narcissists often lack emotional regulation and struggle with closeness/sustaining healthy dynamics Change is only possible through self-reflection and individual (often lifelong) therapy Insight is not justification. Understanding the roots is not the same as excusing the behavior Say it with me now: EXPLANATION—NOT AN EXCUSE. If you're in a relationship with someone exhibiting narcissistic traits, remember: you can’t love them into healing. If they are open to speaking with an expert, they are welcome to reach out to explore treatment options.  Therapy for Narcissists and Survivors of Narcissistic Abuse in Chicago, IL If you’re looking for a therapist who specializes in narcissism, learn more about my practice and my narcissism-focused services here: Website Homepage: https://www.twolightstherapy.com/ Therapy for Narcissistic Abuse: https://www.twolightstherapy.com/narcissistic-abuse-therapy Therapy for Narcissistic Personality Disorder: https://www.twolightstherapy.com/narcissistic-personality-disorder-therapy   Explore further to see all treatment options...   Two Lights Therapy Center PLLC | Chicago, Illinois. Narcissistic Abuse Recovery Therapist & Narcissistic Personality Disorder Therapist Please Note: The information provided in these blog posts is for informational and educational purposes only. It is not intended to be a substitute for professional therapy or therapeutic services. While licensed psychotherapists write these blogs, readers should not use this content as a replacement for individualized advice or treatment. If you are experiencing a crisis or need immediate assistance, please call 911 or contact other emergency services in your area.

Recovering from narcissistic abuse can take years, and hearing that can make us feel so alone, helpless, and hopeless. As a trauma therapist and narcissism specialist who works with survivors of narcissistic abuse every day, I want to speak directly to the part of you that feels empty and exhausted. The part that’s frustrated that you’re still affected by someone else's actions. The part that resents how much time, energy, and money it takes to heal the pain you didn’t choose. I hear you. I get it. I’ve been there. And I also want to be honest with you: this work does take time. But if anyone can survive this, it’s you. Look how far you've already come. The Truth: Narcissistic Abuse Recovery Typically Takes 6+ Months of Therapy There’s no one-size-fits-all timeline when it comes to therapy, but in my clinical experience, most people need at least 6 months of consistent narcissistic abuse recovery therapy to begin seeing real, sustainable shifts in the wake of narcissistic abuse and antagonistic relationships. Of course, that does not mean you won’t feel better sooner than that, or that you won’t start reclaiming your identity before that time. It's just that rewiring your nervous system takes time, as does unlearning painful patterns and forming new neural pathways. The brain can be flexible, but adjusting it gently takes engagement, effort, trust, and dedication.  This Isn’t Your Fault. It Never Was. But Healing Is Your Responsibility. Here’s the hard truth we’ve all had to face. What happened to you wasn’t your fault, but healing from it is your responsibility. And that’s incredibly unfair. I don't even like writing it down! You shouldn’t have to undo the damages that someone else has caused, but if you’re reading this, it likely means you’re the kind of person who doesn’t want to stay stuck or feel like this forever. You’re willing to do the work that it takes, and that makes you both brave and powerful. The reality is, sometimes no one else is coming to save us. Part of this recovery process is building self-trust. That means utilizing our own strengths and skills to heal ourselves, proving (to ourselves) that we have our own backs. Which leads me to… Therapy Isn’t a Magic Wand. You’re the One Driving This Process. Sometimes people come into therapy expecting a therapist to wave a wand and offer instant clarity, closure, and confidence. I wish this were how it worked, and I get the temptation of that belief, especially if you’ve been gaslit into thinking you’re “broken” or “too much” and just want someone to finally fix it. The reality is that therapy isn’t something that happens to you. It’s something we do together, and much of the transformation happens when you carry the work outside the room. Journaling and processing. Practicing radical acceptance and distress tolerance. Feeling your feelings without judgment, observing them only with kindness and curiosity. Letting go of the urge to diagnose or fix everyone else around you. Avoidance is an adaptation. It serves an important purpose and, at times, it keeps us safe. However, if you’re only engaging during sessions and not continuing the work between sessions, progress will feel much slower. That’s just how change works (and that can be hard to sit with)! Exploring safe ways to process distress on your own is a key part of stabilization in my therapeutic approach.  Ask Yourself: How Long Were You in Survival Mode? If you’ve spent years (or decades) in abusive, invalidating, or confusing dynamics/environments, it makes sense that recovery will take more than a few sessions. It’s easy to forget how deeply entrenched those patterns can be, especially when you’ve adapted in order to survive the abuse. People who were raised by narcissistic or emotionally immature parents may have found themselves in narcissistic friendships and relationships later on in life. If you’ve had a lifetime of relational trauma, my heart goes out to you. Before judging yourself for not being "over it" yet, consider this: Is it reasonable to expect a few months of therapy to undo years of psychological harm? Narcissistic Abuse Therapy Doesn’t HAVE to Take Forever The good news is, recovery can feel faster when we take an active, curious role in it. Here’s what supports the process: Consistency: Showing up weekly or biweekly without large gaps Integration: Reflecting, regulating, journaling, or practicing skills between sessions Self-Compassion: Letting go of urgency, judgment, and shame Pacing: Knowing that stabilization, safety, and regulation come before insight Honesty: Being real about what’s working, what’s not, and what’s still hard for you You Deserve Therapy That Honors What You’ve Been Through It’s okay if you’re tired. It’s okay if you wish this whole process were faster. But please don’t let that frustration turn into self-blame. Healing is nonlinear, and together, we will grieve the time and energy it has taken just to feel more like yourself again. If you’re doing this difficult work, even imperfectly, you’re already doing much, much more than you realize. If you’re looking for a therapist who understands the nuances of narcissistic abuse and narcissism, you’re in the right place. I help clients make sense of their reality and reconnect with all parts of themselves after years of antagonism, confusion, gaslighting, and coercive control.  Narcissistic Abuse, Couples Therapy, Family Therapy & More in Chicago, IL If you’re looking for therapeutic support, learn more about my narcissistic abuse and narcissism-focused services: Narcissistic Abuse Therapy: https://www.twolightstherapy.com/narcissistic-abuse-therapy EMDR for Narcissistic Abuse: https://www.twolightstherapy.com/emdr-for-narcissistic-abuse Narcissistic Abuse Intensive Sessions: https://www.twolightstherapy.com/narcissistic-abuse-intensives Therapy for Narcissistic Personality Disorder: https://www.twolightstherapy.com/narcissistic-personality-disorder-therapy Therapy for Attachment Styles: https://www.twolightstherapy.com/attachment-styles-therapy Couples Therapy for Attachment Challenges: https://www.twolightstherapy.com/couples-therapy-for-attachment-styles   Explore my website to see all treatment options.   Two Lights Therapy Center PLLC | Chicago, Illinois. Narcissistic Abuse Recovery Therapy & Narcissistic Personality Disorder Therapy Please Note: The information provided in these blog posts is for informational and educational purposes only. It is not intended to be a substitute for professional therapy or therapeutic services. While licensed psychotherapists write these blogs, readers should not use this content as a replacement for individualized advice or treatment. If you are experiencing a crisis or need immediate assistance, please call 911 or contact other emergency services in your area.

"Am I Too Much?": The Question That So Many Have After Narcissistic Abuse When we're experiencing narcissistic abuse, it feels safer to shrink. After all, you were likely accused of being too needy, too emotional, too intense, and too sensitive, right? I often tell my clients that I think many of us knew the relationship needed to end when we realized how quiet we had become. There is a day in every narcissistic relationship when you suddenly realize how unlike yourself you now seem. And that can be incredibly scary and devastating. While turning inward and staying small may have felt like self-preservation, it came at a cost: your voice, your spunk, your brightness, your sense of aliveness, your very identity. You became careful. Cautious. You stopped bringing your full self to the relationship and to the world around you. This doesn't happen because you lack strength, but because many of your strengths may have been mischaracterized as flaws. That realization can be heartbreaking, but it is also empowering. It means the part of you that shrank didn’t disappear. It only just went quiet to survive. Healing is about coming home to yourself and giving the many wonderful parts of yourself permission to return as well. Why Narcissistic Abuse Makes You Feel Like You're "Too Much" People with narcissistic traits often react to your needs and moments of vulnerability with defensiveness, dismissiveness, accusations, or even retaliation. When you're accused of being needy or unreasonable, it can feel like accepting this as truth is the quickest path towards finding control (in a relationship that feels like it's spinning out)! Narcissistic folks don't react this way because you're actually too much, but instead, because your emotions threaten their sense of control or make them confront parts of themselves they can't handle/that feel shameful. The problem is that, over time, this chips away at your sense of identity and self-trust. You begin to believe that love requires shrinking and changing (and that your authenticity is often a liability). At that point, sometimes safety becomes closely tied to self-abandonment in your own mind. What you need to remember is this: your capacity to feel deeply, to love, and to express yourself is a strength. It just wasn’t safe to show it in that environment, and someone who abuses you doesn't deserve your presence. Therapy for Narcissistic Abuse Recovery Can Help You Reclaim Your Identity & Break The Trauma Bond Healing from narcissistic abuse and attachment trauma begins when we find ways to unlearn the core beliefs that lead us to think our emotions are inconvenient or unwelcome. In the specialized therapy that I offer, we work to: Stabilize, regulate, and rewire the nervous system Uncover the attachment learnings that made self-shrinking feel like survival Identify how past relationships have taught you to disconnect from your own needs and desires Explore the best ways to feel safe t aking up emotional and relational space again We don’t ever need to become "less." We just need to become more ourselves again. You don’t have to keep editing, adjusting, or expanding yourself to be lovable or worthy. In narcissistic abuse recovery, we work toward the belief that:  "The right people won’t find me too much. They’ll find me inspiring, honest, brave, and authentically amazing. You deserve relationships where your depth is welcomed and never, ever rejected. Your tears were never too loud, your joy was never too overwhelming, and your boundaries were never too dramatic/unreasonable. You deserve to be fully known, fully seen, fully heard, fully understood, and fully loved. And what you don't deserve is being with someone who doesn't deserve you. Ready to Take Up Space Again? Join Me For Narcissistic Abuse Therapy in Chicago, IL I offer virtual treatment for narcissism, narcissistic abuse, attachment trauma, couples challenges, and family conflict. Reach out when you're feeling ready to reclaim your full emotional range and stop shrinking to fit a mold that was never meant for you. Virtual Narcissistic Abuse Recovery Therapy, EMDR for Narcissistic Abuse, Couples Therapy, Family Therapy & More in Chicago, Illinois If you’re looking for therapeutic support, learn more about my Narcissistic Abuse Recovery services: Narcissistic Abuse Therapy: https://www.twolightstherapy.com/narcissistic-abuse-therapy EMDR for Narcissistic Abuse: https://www.twolightstherapy.com/emdr-for-narcissistic-abuse Narcissistic Abuse Intensive Sessions: https://www.twolightstherapy.com/narcissistic-abuse-intensives Therapy for Attachment Styles: https://www.twolightstherapy.com/attachment-styles-therapy Couples Therapy for Attachment Challenges: https://www.twolightstherapy.com/couples-therapy-for-attachment-styles   Explore my website to see all treatment options. Two Lights Therapy Center PLLC | Chicago, Illinois. Narcissistic Abuse Recovery Therapy & Narcissistic Personality Treatment Please Note: The information provided in these blog posts is for informational and educational purposes only. It is not intended to be a substitute for professional therapy or therapeutic services. While licensed psychotherapists write these blogs, readers should not use this content as a replacement for individualized advice or treatment. If you are experiencing a crisis or need immediate assistance, please call 911 or contact other emergency services in your area.