Couples Therapy for Narcissistic Abuse: A Complex Consideration & Dilemma You might really want your relationship to work, even if your partner seems narcissistic. I get it—I really do. I've even been there myself. Even though you recognize the signs of narcissistic abuse, you might remember a time when things weren’t so bad . You actually might remember a time when things seemed pretty great. Most people in narcissistic relationships, at some point, will ask themselves these questions: Could couples therapy help us? Maybe more specialized therapy might help me understand how to better manage this dynamic? Could we repair things if we just had better communication or relationship tools? Hoping is not a crime. The problem is, it can hold you back from the reality of your situation. The truth is that in the vast majority of cases, couples therapy is a bad idea when narcissistic abuse is present. And not only is it a bad idea, it’s a very bad idea and can actually make things much, much worse. But don’t stop reading here—there are exceptions to this rule , and while they are rare, it’s important to consider certain key details. As a therapist specializing in narcissistic abuse recovery and narcissistic personality treatment here in Chicago, I’ve seen how couples therapy can cause more harm than good if not carried out with extreme caution. That said, I have also helped a handful of couples reduce the levels of antagonism in their relationships when separating was not an option ( and it’s important to remember that leaving is NOT always an option for everyone ).  This blog post will explore: Why couples therapy is usually contraindicated in narcissistic abuse cases How couples therapy can become a playground for more antagonism  The rare situations where couples therapy might  be beneficial How some manifestations of lighter narcissistic traits differ from full blown narcissistic personality disorder (NPD) How attachment patterns/backwards attachment learnings can complicate this work What truly trauma-informed, ethical therapists will consider before proceeding with couples therapy for narcissistic abuse  *Disclaimer: I am not suggesting that couples therapy is appropriate in all situations involving narcissistic abuse. Rather, this post is meant to support informed, harm-reducing choices for those who are already considering this option and to encourage a level of clinical care that fully acknowledges the risks and complexities involved. Why Couples Therapy Is a Bad Idea Probably 99% of the Time It’s important to understand that narcissistic abuse is not a communication problem, and it’s also not just a “toxic” or classically difficult relationship. It’s a much more pervasive pattern of overt/covert antagonism, coercive control, manipulation, gaslighting, blame-shifting, invalidation, and idealization/devaluation.  In couples therapy, narcissistic partners often: Manipulate the therapist to appear reasonable or even charming while undermining the survivor Attempt to dominate the space (or even scare the therapist) if they find that they can’t manipulate the therapist Use the therapy space to further gaslight, belittle, or control their partner Shift blame, complicate the dynamic further, and avoid accountability Perform for the therapist to create confusion about what is really happening behind closed doors Even HIGHLY trained, HIGHLY skilled couples therapists can struggle to manage or understand these dynamics if they do not have a thorough background in narcissism and severe antagonistic relational patterns. For survivors, the risk is significant: couples therapy can re-traumatize them, worsen trauma bonds, make them feel more helpless/misunderstood, and/or create a false sense of hope that meaningful change is happening or possible when it is not. Narcissistic Traits vs. Narcissistic Personality Disorder It is only fair to mention that not everyone with narcissistic tendencies is abusive or incapable of change . Some people develop a tendency towards narcissistic behaviors after being raised by narcissistic or emotionally neglectful caregivers or after being in a long-term, abusive relationship. These learned behaviors are not always quite as fixed as a personality style or stable temperament. These traits can include: Difficulty tolerating vulnerability or intimacy Defensiveness when rejection or potential for pain is perceived  A limited ability to hold or explore perspectives that feel “too different” Hyper-focus on image and judgment Intermittent empathy, dependent on mood or context Key developmental periods avoided, it is possible to adopt narcissistic traits without them sinking in too deeply. When narcissistic traits arise solely from a later period of relational trauma (like living with a narcissistic person for a number of years & learning to “fight dirty” to match their tone), they can shift slightly over time with: Insight-oriented, trauma-informed individual therapy A genuine and persistent willingness to do deeper personal work Openness to relational therapy (building a healthy relationship with their therapist) Accountability and behavioral changes By contrast, Narcissistic Personality Disorder (NPD) involves a much more rigid, pervasive pattern of entitlement, exploitativeness, issues accessing empathy, and deeply ingrained superiority or victim narratives. In cases of full-blown NPD with active abuse, couples therapy is both ineffective and dangerous.  When Might Couples Therapy Help ( Rare Cases) ? There are rare cases where couples therapy can support healthier relational dynamics when narcissistic tendencies are present in one or both clients, but treatment is only appropriate under very specific conditions. Couples therapy may be cautiously considered when: The narcissistic partner is already in consistent individual therapy with a narcissism-competent therapist and intends to stay there long term They demonstrate genuine, measurable progress in accountability, empathy, distress tolerance, and emotional regulation The more narcissistic partner continuously displays efforts at true cooperation There is a clear willingness to explore attachment wounds and relational patterns without weaponizing the process The couples therapist is highly trained in working with narcissism and complex trauma Both partners have adequate individual support outside of their couple's work A thorough safety plan is created individually with the narcissistic client’s partner In these situations, couples therapy can: Help both partners better understand relational patterns and skills  Encourage vulnerability in healthy doses  Help the non-narcissistic partner identify when to walk away Support healthy boundary-setting (when applicable…boundaries do not typically work with very narcissistic folks) Address attachment dynamics in a more contained, skillful way Please keep in mind: these cases are the exception and not the rule. Damaging Narcissistic Behaviors vs. Emerging Defense Mechanisms It’s also important to understand that not every relationship involving intense conflict is a case of narcissistic abuse. Sometimes, couples get stuck in high-conflict, emotionally immature patterns/cycles where both partners: Fight dirty and fight to be “right” Struggle to tolerate vulnerability or repair that requires deeper discussions Engage in significant defensiveness, blaming, or avoidance These behaviors can feel extremely painful and mind-boggling, but they don’t always reflect an intentional pattern of abuse driven by narcissistic entitlement or exploitation. In some cases, what looks like narcissism may actually stem from: Unresolved attachment wounds or attachment trauma Defense mechanisms (learned behaviors from family dynamics or past relationships) Inability to regulate shame, fear, or distress When this is the case, and when both partners are willing to do their own individual work, therapy can sometimes help to shift or soften these patterns. However, if one partner shows consistent patterns of belittling, cruelty, betrayal, gaslighting, exploitation, calculated manipulation, and a lack of empathy, that then crosses the line into truly damaging narcissistic behavior. Again, couples therapy is unlikely to be safe or effective in these cases. Couples Therapy for Antagonistic Relationships: Harm Reduction In some relationships, often where separation is not currently an option due to: Children/pregnancy Financial constraints Religious beliefs Cultural pressures ...trauma-informed couples therapy can be used for harm reduction (in appropriate cases where infrequent narcissistic behaviors are mild to moderate and where clients intend to seek couples therapy elsewhere, regardless of warnings). In these cases, the goal is not necessarily “relationship repair” or reconciliation, but rather: Minimizing overt harm Educating Increasing clarity around boundaries Reducing cycles of escalation Supporting the survivor in recognizing relational realities Again, this type of work should only be undertaken by therapists who deeply understand: Gaslighting and reality distortion Trauma bonding Antagonistic dynamics Coercive control Intermittent reinforcement The unique needs of abuse survivors Without specialized training, couples therapists often risk doing more harm than good. How Attachment Patterns Can Complicate Couples Therapy Many survivors of narcissistic abuse carry attachment wounds that make them vulnerable to : Self-blame Overfunctioning in the relationship Considerable hope that the partner will finally change (one of these days...) Difficulty tolerating the idea of separating or leaving At the same time, narcissistic or antagonistic partners often have fearful/dismissive avoidant attachment styles that fuel: Emotional withdrawal Punitive behaviors Intimacy-phobia masked by control These patterns can create a highly volatile couples therapy dynamic if not carefully managed. Again, attachment-based therapy can be helpful only when: Both parties are very engaged in meaningful individual work The couples therapist is skilled in managing complex trauma and attachment injuries There is strong therapeutic containment to prevent reenactment in the therapy room What Ethical, Trauma-Informed Therapists Will Do A therapist competent in narcissistic abuse dynamics and antagonistic relationships will: Screen VERY, VERY carefully before agreeing to couples therapy (VERY!) Conduct thorough individual assessments of both partners Evaluate for safety, gaslighting, and any active abuse Set VERY clear boundaries around what will and will not be tolerated in sessions Interrupt when a narcissistic client begins being manipulative Stop the couple's work immediately if it becomes unsafe or re-traumatizing (and offer individual resources for both clients) Prioritize survivor empowerment and clarity, not simply prioritize “saving the relationship” Couples therapy should never become a playground for further abuse or distortion. An ethical therapist will name this dynamic clearly and take protective actions immediately if needed. Why I Take a Harm Reduction Approach to Couples Therapy in These Situations I’m very well aware that some people believe couples therapy for narcissistic abuse is unethical and that no narcissistic person can ever change. I can mostly respect these perspectives and understand why they exist. The risks are real, and many survivors have been harmed by inappropriate or poorly handled couples therapy. While I believe some clients with narcissistic tendencies are absolutely capable of change, I do my best to not encourage hope where there isn't any. That said, the reality is that many couples impacted by narcissistic traits will seek couples therapy anyway. And if they land in the office of a generalist therapist who doesn’t understand antagonistic relationships, narcissism, and the effects of antagonistic relational stress, the results can be devastating. Offering some amount of couples therapy to select, screened couples is harm reduction, not unlike providing condoms to teenagers. The goal isn’t to promote a particular outcome, but to acknowledge reality: some couples will pursue therapy anyway, and it’s better they do so with a specialist who can help minimize harm rather than with a generalist unaware of the risks. Again, this is why I approach this work from this harm reduction framework and view it through a harm reduction lens. I do not believe that couples therapy should be used to "save" abusive relationships. I do believe that, in very carefully selected cases (and with the right clinical containment), couples therapy can help: Prevent further harm Support clearer boundaries Offer important education Reduce volatility Clarify relational reality for both partners Someone needs to be available to provide this kind of informed, transparent care because the alternative is leaving vulnerable couples to therapy spaces that do not acknowledge or address the complex dynamics at play. For certain survivors, couples therapy also serves as a pivotal part of the reality-testing and grounding process. The therapeutic space can reveal patterns that are hard to fully grasp (or face) in private, and sometimes, the experience of seeing these horrifying dynamics unfold in front of a neutral party helps a survivor come to terms with the need to step away from the relationship. Self-determination is often imperative in these cases or survivors will return to the relationship (if pushed to leave before they are ready). Final Thoughts: Choose Couples Therapy Cautiously In These Situations If you’re navigating a relationship impacted by narcissistic behaviors, it’s essential to proceed with great care and caution. Yes, couples therapy is usually contraindicated and can be dangerous in these situations. If couples therapy is being considered, both partners should be engaged in ongoing, meaningful individual work, and the chosen therapist should have deep specialization in narcissistic abuse and relational trauma. For many survivors, individual therapy is the safest and most effective first step. It provides the space to: Process trauma & build self-trust Learn about narcissism Clarify what you truly want and need (values exploration) Heal attachment wounds Build internal strength before making major decisions If you’re unsure whether couples therapy is appropriate in your situation, I encourage you to seek consultation with a therapist who understands narcissistic abuse inside and out. At Two Lights Therapy, I offer individual therapy for narcissistic abuse recovery and consultation for clients and professionals navigating these complex dynamics. Virtual couples therapy for narcissistic abuse in Chicago may be available at my practice. If you’d like to explore what safe and effective therapy might look like for you, I welcome you to reach out by emailing: hello@twolightstherapy.com  or by visiting:   https://www.twolightstherapy.com/contact   Virtual Couples Therapy for Narcissistic Abuse in Chicago, IL If you’re looking for support, you can learn more about my Narcissistic Abuse Recovery services in Chicago: Narcissistic Abuse Therapy :   https://www.twolightstherapy.com/narcissistic-abuse-therapy EMDR for Narcissistic Abuse :   https://www.twolightstherapy.com/emdr-for-narcissistic-abuse Narcissistic Abuse Intensive Sessions :   https://www.twolightstherapy.com/narcissistic-abuse-intensives Related Blogs on Narcissistic Abuse: Signs it may be narcissistic abuse: https://www.twolightstherapy.com/post/signs-it-may-be-narcissistic-abuse-not-just-a-toxic-relationship What therapy is best for narcissistic abuse?: https://www.twolightstherapy.com/post/what-therapy-is-best-for-narcissistic-abuse How to break the trauma bond after narcissistic abuse: https://www.twolightstherapy.com/post/how-to-break-a-trauma-bond-after-narcissistic-abuse-why-it-takes-time-and-what-will-really-help Two Lights Therapy Center PLLC | Chicago, Illinois. Narcissistic Abuse Recovery Therapy Please Note: The information provided in these blog posts is for informational and educational purposes only. It is not intended to be a substitute for professional therapy or therapeutic services. While licensed psychotherapists write these blogs, readers should not use this content as a replacement for individualized advice or treatment. If you are experiencing a crisis or need immediate assistance, please call 911 or contact other emergency services in your area.

No one needs permission to leave an unhealthy or toxic relationship. Regardless of whether or not the emotional abuse you are experiencing is narcissistic in nature, you should consider the impact it’s having on your health (physically and mentally). If someone consistently makes you feel small, stupid, belittled, confused, insulted, frustrated, or exhausted…that’s reason enough to go. That said, it can be healing (in its own way) to understand the patterns you are witnessing. If the challenges you face in your relationship go beyond typical relationship ups and downs, it’s not unusual to want to know what it is you are up against. If you’ve been googling “what is narcissistic abuse” or exploring Reddit threads/YouTube videos/TikToks, or Reels, you may be coming to terms with the fact that your partner seems truly narcissistic. It is a tough pill to swallow. Narcissistic abuse is unique in its impacts, causing a chaos that is unimaginable unless you’ve been through it yourself. Not only is your self-worth impacted by this kind of abuse, but your very sense of self can get lost in the process (don’t worry, we can get it back). In this blog, we’ll explore a few signs of narcissistic abuse and how it differs from more classic toxicity. First, a note about labels Of course, not every difficult partner is a narcissist, and not every toxic relationship involves narcissistic abuse. While that needs to be said, I like to approach that disclaimer with caution. When you are being abused by a narcissist, you’re already unlikely to trust your own judgment, so being constantly reminded that “not everyone is a narcissist” isn’t always helpful. If your intuition is screaming at you, your concerns are unlikely to lack all validity. Narcissism exists on a continuum, with many people having a few narcissistic traits. If the following bullet points resonate, seek support from a narcissism specialist right away. Narcissistic abuse tends to involve: persistent, stable narcissistic traits (not just occasional “bad behavior” or arguments every so often), and a lack of accountability chronic, intentional gaslighting or tactics to intentionally cause confusion patterns of coercion, control, manipulation, and exploitation erosion of identity, autonomy, and reality over time 1. You experience chronic gaslighting and confusion Most relationships involve occasional misunderstandings, arguments, and what I like to call "agree-to-disagreements" (if you will). Narcissistic abuse feels different: You are told that your perceptions, feelings, or memories are wrong, even when they clearly are not. You may be been blamed for things you didn’t do or accused of being someone you’re not. You may feel "crazy" trying to make sense of constant contradictions and apparent lies. Important conversations or agreements are later denied, twisted, or ignored altogether. These are chronic efforts to disorient you and maintain power (not just miscommunications).   2. The narcissistic traits are persistent, not occasional Most people are occasionally selfish or defensive. We can all be jerks sometimes (if we are honest with ourselves). In narcissistically abusive relationships, certain narcissistic traits show up consistently and frequently across contexts: Entitlement: expecting special treatment, prioritization, and excessive admiration Lack of empathy: dismissing your pain, needs, and desires, while seeming to struggle to understand your perspective in any way (almost as if they cannot access empathy at all) Grandiosity: needing attention, superiority, and control Exploitativeness: using others for personal gain, social climbing, weaponizing cognitive-empathy or status Envy and competitiveness: undermining your successes, negging, ruining celebrations These patterns usually aren’t just situational and are actually stable parts of how this person operates within the context of relationships. 3. The relationship erodes your identity, not only your confidence One of the most painful and puzzling impacts of narcissistic abuse is the slow or sudden loss of self: You may no longer recognize who you are outside the relationship (or inside it, for that matter). Your preferences, values, friendships, hobbies, or passions may feel blurred or forgotten. You may doubt your ability to trust your own perceptions or make your own decisions. Your nervous system may feel stuck in fight/flight/freeze even after leaving, leaving you feeling “broken” or “difficult”. This level of identity disruption goes beyond typical relationship damage. It is often the hallmark of prolonged emotional and psychological abuse. 4. You feel trapped in an impossible double bind When narcissistic abuse is occurring, you can never win: If you assert a need, you are called selfish, difficult, or controlling. If you express distress or unhappiness, you are told you’re too sensitive or emotionally unstable. If you set boundaries, you are punished with the silent treatment or rage. If you comply, you lose yourself even further, and your deepest (and surface-level) needs go unmet. This results in a state of profound learned helplessness and self-doubt, where no choice feels safe, correct, or intuitively “right”. 5. You feel a deep need for clarity/understanding, yet remain confused about what is happening/has happened Even after leaving, survivors of narcissistic abuse often ruminate endlessly: "Was it really THAT bad?" “Should I try again?” “Should I take accountability for the things that I did “wrong" in our relationship?” "Am I the narcissist?" "Why can’t I just move on?" "Why do I feel so empty and lost?" “Is anyone even going to want to be around me? I’m such a mess.” "I'm probably annoying everyone with my problems...I shouldn't ask for support." This post-abuse confusion-spiral is common, and it speaks to the way narcissistic abuse targets your very sense of reality. Healing from Narcissistic Abuse begins with clarity If you recognize yourself in these patterns, know this: You didn’t imagine it. We believe you. You are not broken. The fact that you’re seeking understanding is a sign of strength, not weakness. Whether or not your partner would meet criteria for narcissistic personality disorder, the patterns you endured were real, and abuse is abuse. Seek support if you need it, and don't downplay what you've been through. It's excruciating, and you deserve peace and support. Virtual Narcissistic Abuse Recovery Therapy in Chicago, Illinois If you’re looking for support, you can learn more about my Narcissistic Abuse Recovery services in Chicago: Narcissistic Abuse Therapy: https://www.twolightstherapy.com/narcissistic-abuse-therapy EMDR for Narcissistic Abuse: https://www.twolightstherapy.com/emdr-for-narcissistic-abuse Narcissistic Abuse Intensive Sessions: https://www.twolightstherapy.com/narcissistic-abuse-intensives Two Lights Therapy Center PLLC | Chicago, Illinois. Narcissistic Abuse Recovery Therapy & Narcissistic Personality Treatment Please Note: The information provided in these blog posts is for informational and educational purposes only. It is not intended to be a substitute for professional therapy or therapeutic services. While licensed psychotherapists write these blogs, readers should not use this content as a replacement for individualized advice or treatment. If you are experiencing a crisis or need immediate assistance, please call 911 or contact other emergency services in your area.

When Avoidant Styles Collide Learn the basics of each attachment style before reading: https://www.twolightstherapy.com/attachment ! When a romantic dynamic begins between a Dismissive Avoidant (DA) and a Fearful Avoidant (FA), a predictable cycle begins to play out. While both attachment styles deeply desire connection, their attachment needs clash in a way that creates a painful dance & push-pull dynamic. When one partner unconsciously begins shutting down to preserve their own peace (& regulate their nervous system), the other panics, becoming increasingly compelled to find ways to feel more seen, heard, and understood (which would help regulate THEIR  nervous system). Today, we will explore these core needs and the wounds of each partner and why these relationships can be nearly impossible to maintain without deep psychoeducation or professional help. Whether you’re familiar with attachment theory or just curious about avoidant behaviors, read on to understand why the DA-FA cycle is so challenging. The Dismissive Avoidant’s Deep Need for Peace and Harmony A dismissive-avoidant partner values peace, harmony, and independence above ALL ELSE.  DAs are extremely conflict-averse, and they will do almost anything to avoid drama, criticism, and confrontation. This includes more extreme actions as well, such as ghosting, lying, and blame-shifting. When tensions rise in the relationship or when the FA wants to share their feelings, discuss the relationship, or explore the future, the DA’s instinct is to retreat or shut down immediately rather than engage. They often withdraw to escape “arguments” (perceived criticism) and stressful emotions, their deactivating thoughts driving them far away from their partner. The DA’s desire to keep the relationship easy and surface-level isn’t because they don’t care; it’s because conflict triggers their deepest insecurities.  Many (most) DAs grew up without the appropriate emotional attunement from their caregivers and were often criticized or emotionally neglected, leaving them with a core “defectiveness” wound. At their core, DA’s believe they are not good enough, some even believing others will find out how “worthless” or “incompetent” they really are in love and in life (distorted thinking).  When a DA senses their FA partner is unhappy with them, it activates this wound, immediately creating deep feelings of shame and even anger. Rather than face their feelings, the dismissive avoidant partner copes by creating space, including (but not limited to) emotional distance. In short, the DA craves a peaceful relationship where they never have to feel inadequate or criticized ever again (as they were in childhood). Frankly, their desire is unrealistic, as ANY  criticism (even constructive) or neediness from a partner will typically send them running for the hills. As you can imagine, these unreasonable expectations often leave the DA with failed relationship after failed relationship, or they end up settling to avoid seeming  defective, but must then fight back resentment every day for the rest of their marriage. It is not uncommon for avoidants to end up committing to someone they don’t truly love, as real, deep emotions feel very uncomfortable to them long-term.  The Fearful Avoidant’s Need to Be Seen, Heard, and Understood In contrast, a fearful-avoidant partner’s biggest need in life and in love is to be truly & deeply seen, heard, and understood.  Ouch . Fearful avoidant attachment is one of the rarest attachment styles, but they are some of the deepest feelers and fastest emotional processors. While it is a vast FA spectrum, to keep things simple, think of FA’s as a mix of dismissive avoidant and anxious preoccupied attachment styles. Depending on the nature of a stimulus, FA’s can lean anxious or avoidant at any given moment.  Because of this, FA’s experience extreme inner turmoil – they desperately want closeness and validation, yet they also deeply fear it. This attachment style (sometimes called disorganized attachment or anxious avoidant) usually comes from early trauma or inconsistent caregiving (marked by a lack of appropriate emotional attunement). FA’s learned to associate love with uncertainty, chaos, & even intermittent pain. As adults, they crave the deepest connections but are also constantly on guard for dishonesty or betrayal. At their core, fearful avoidants carry a deep wound of betrayal. Their pervasive fear, that their heart will be broken if they offer their full trust, often leaves them paranoid and their actions unpredictable (even erratic). In childhood, they were likely deeply (& repeatedly) hurt by someone they trusted (most likely a guardian figure), so now they are hypervigilant for any sign of deceit. They are good at this, examining everything under a microscope with a thick, negative lens.   In the FA’s mind, it’s not “if” but “when” they will be betrayed. They hold the pervasive core belief “I WILL be betrayed or abandoned.”​ This is actually an adaptive belief that kept them safe in childhood, but it causes them excess anxiety when attempting to nurture new connections in adulthood. The FA’s pain is primal: when their betrayal schema is activated, they might feel intense panic, anxiety, rage, and despair as if reliving all past “abandonments” at once.  The FA can seem to switch personalities: one moment they’re warm & profoundly loving, and the next they’re defensive, anxious, suspicious, or cold. FA’s often need reassurance that their partner truly sees them, understands them,  and loves them for who they are. Feeling ignored or misunderstood will trigger the FA’s fear of betrayal and abandonment. In response, we might see protest behaviors (anger, silence, criticism) or the stereotypical anxious preoccupied attachment style behaviors, depending on which way their nervous system chooses to learn (anxious or avoidant). Anxious preoccupied behaviors include excessive reassurance-seeking, over-communicating needs for closeness, and even coercive co-regulation. While FA’s are less likely to engage in coercive co-regulation attempts, they need emotional presence from their partner. They need to feel that their thoughts, ideas, fears, and feelings matter. Otherwise, they will sometimes cling too tightly to a certain outcome or suddenly withdraw, unsure whether to pursue love or protect themselves. Conflicting Needs and the Push-Pull Dynamic You can see why these two attachment styles together might have some challenges. 🫠  It’s no surprise that the DA and FA create a volatile push-pull cycle as their core needs are directly at odds.  The DA withdraws to regulate their nervous systems, while the FA pursues (or pushes) for answers & validation. This often becomes a painful dance with one partner chasing and the other withdrawing. When an FA feels their needs aren’t being met, they will likely begin to work harder for closeness. They might raise concerns, seek reassurance, or express frustration about feeling unheard. In their eyes, this is an attempt to bridge the gap, but the dismissive avoidant experiences this as an ambush, full of conflict or criticism, which then threatens their need for harmony. The more the FA approaches with emotion, the more the DA’s defectiveness wound begins to sting (“I can’t do anything right”, “I’m a bad partner”), and the DA responds by shutting down or pulling away even further. The DA’s retreat triggers that aforementioned betrayal wound in the FA. The fearful avoidant partner, sensing this distancing, feels abandoned and betrayed (“I knew I’d be left once I opened up!”). In pain and panic, the FA may lash out or become highly emotional, which only convinces the DA that peace is gone. In conflict, a DA is not just hearing an upset partner – they are feeling a lifetime of inadequacy. This reinforces their choice to distance and disconnect.  This cycle can repeat endlessly.  Ironically, both partners actually hurt for the same reason: each is afraid of not being good enough or of being hurt/abandoned by the other. Yet their coping strategies are so opposite that neither will have their needs met by the other. The result is a relationship that swings between intense closeness and heartbreaking distance, often in rapid succession. Over time, both individuals feel exhausted, wounded, and confused. The FA feels unseen and betrayed, while the DA feels inadequate and overwhelmed. Without intervention, this looping dynamic tends to worsen with each conflict, as trust erodes and resentments build. Understanding the core wounds is key to breaking these patterns because it shifts the focus from blaming to empathizing. Why the DA-FA Relationship Rarely Works Without Help Given how entrenched these needs and wounds are, it’s almost impossible for a DA-FA relationship to thrive without conscious effort or professional intervention. Both partners are essentially fighting their own childhood ghosts (as well as each other). In time, the cycle of pursuit and withdrawal will become more extreme and even toxic. These relationships can very easily be mistaken for ones where narcissistic abuse is at play.  In many cases, the relationship will end painfully unless changes are made. A skilled therapist or relationship coach can help the dismissive avoidant learn to gradually face vulnerability and discomfort. Likewise, the fearful avoidant can learn to self-soothe and limit their time putting their partner under a microscope. If one or both partners refuse to acknowledge the issues or get help, the unhealthy pattern will not cease with just time. Unfortunately, dismissive avoidants are notorious for avoiding therapy since it involves emotional exploration and exposure. To be fair, the wrong therapy CAN actually worsen the DA’s habits. Without the appropriate interventions, the DA-FA pair often reaches a breaking point where the FA feels too hurt to continue or the DA feels too emotionally flooded, incapable, or incompetent to cope, and they part ways. In some cases, the relationship limps along in chronic dissatisfaction, leaving both parties suffering. Healthy resolution requires interrupting the cycles mentioned above, healing the wounds beneath them, and developing new communication habits – all of which are far more attainable with attachment theory informed, professional help. If you find yourself in this dynamic, know that you’re not alone and it’s not totally hopeless – but it won’t fix itself without effort from both parties. In the end, a DA-FA relationship can become stable and supportive, but it takes two self-aware partners and often a lot of work. Remember, love shouldn’t be a painful, repetitive cycle. Change is possible, and everyone deserves a relationship where both people feel loved, seen, safe, and understood. Secure attachment is possible. Looking for therapy to address your attachment style & move towards secure attachment? Read more about how Two Lights Therapy Center approaches treatment: Homepage:   https://www.twolightstherapy.com/ Therapy for Attachment Styles: https://www.twolightstherapy.com/attachment Couples Therapy for Attachment Challenges: https://www.twolightstherapy.com/couples-therapy-for-attachment-styles Want to work with an attachment specialist for therapy?  Virtual Sessions for survivors can be booked by emailing: hello@twolightstherapy.com  or by visiting:   https://www.twolightstherapy.com/contact   Two Lights Therapy Center | Chicago, Illinois. Narcissism & Attachment Specialists Please Note: The information provided in these blog posts is for informational and educational purposes only. It is not intended to be a substitute for professional therapy or therapeutic services. While these blogs are written by licensed psychotherapists, readers should not use this content as a replacement for individualized advice or treatment. If you are experiencing a crisis or need immediate assistance, please call 911 or contact other emergency services in your area.

**Trigger Warning: Narcissistic Abuse Mentioned ** Survivors of abuse often grapple with whether their abuser had a narcissistic personality style or was simply struggling with dismissive avoidant attachment tendencies (If you’re curious about attachment styles, stay tuned for future blogs where we’ll break them down in detail). Understanding these distinctions can be complex. Many (most) individuals with narcissistic traits also display dismissive avoidant behaviors, but not all dismissive avoidant individuals are narcissistic. Importantly, those unaware of their dismissive avoidant tendencies can still inflict emotional, mental, and verbal harm akin to a narcissist. To make matters more complicated, sometimes individuals with dismissive avoidant attachment styles have some more minor narcissistic traits themselves but do not "by definition" have a narcissistic personality. It’s all a spectrum. Here are three key considerations if you’re seeking clarity on this issue. Remember, every person is different, and the following insights are simply based on typical, well-researched behavioral patterns. 1. Was Their Pull-Back a Form of Punishment? Both dismissive avoidant individuals and those with narcissistic traits might resort to the “silent treatment” but their motivations differ. Someone with a narcissistic personality may intentionally withdraw—ignoring your calls or ghosting you—as a form of punishment. In contrast, someone with a dismissive avoidant attachment style may retreat to regulate their own nervous system. While their actions can feel like a personal attack, they are often simply overwhelmed by their own feelings and may struggle to consider yours. Their (currently) limited emotional capacity and slower emotional processing time can prevent them from recognizing the impact of their behavior and bring about deactivating thoughts (i.e. "this relationship isn't working", "this person isn't right for me", "this person is always bringing drama into my life"). In contrast, narcissists may ghost or fake-discard you to exert emotional control, creating a “cat and mouse” dynamic that reflects a shift in the power balance. Empathy (or lack thereof) upon re-engagement can be a big clue here as well.  2. Consider the Timeline Did distancing or discard-like behaviors emerge around the six-month mark? Many dismissive avoidant individuals (who are highly dopamine-driven), experience a shift when the initial excitement of a relationship fades. After the “honeymoon phase”, dopamine levels often stabilize. People with a dismissive avoidant attachment styles may unconsciously interpret this as a sign that the relationship is "not right" or “not working” for them. These deactivating thoughts bring about fear and shame since failing or disappointing others is a top fear for dismissive avoidant folks. While those with narcissistic personality styles will also experience dopamine-related changes, their timeline for devaluation, abuse, and discard is more variable and often influenced more by how much they feel they can gain from you (their source of narcissistic supply) at any given time. 3. How Dirty Did They Fight? Dismissive avoidant individuals may become defensive when triggered (just like anyone else) but typically avoid escalating conflict or adding lots of fuel to the fire. Their fear of confrontation often leads them to flee when tensions rise, and their desire to avoid disappointing others can prevent them from engaging in impulsive, cruel, or taboo behaviors. In contrast, narcissistic individuals often “punch below the belt”, resorting to gaslighting, mocking, and exploiting your insecurities. While people with narcissistic personality styles typically do their best to maintain their image, they are more likely to be vindictive and may also welcome conflict as an opportunity to deny your reality and damage your self-esteem.  This list could be miles long, but we’ll pause here for today. If this is a question that’s been on your mind, feel free to reach out to schedule a session with one of our specialists. Disclaimer: There is no justification for abuse, regardless of attachment style or personality disorder. If you need support, please reach out to us at hello@twolightstherapy.com . We’re here to help. Read more about the services we offer at Two Lights Therapy Center for narcissistic abuse recovery & attachment trauma in Chicago: Therapy for narcissistic abuse: https://www.twolightstherapy.com/narcissistic-abuse-therapy EMDR for Narcissistic Abuse: https://www.twolightstherapy.com/emdr-for-narcissistic-abuse Intensives for Narcissistic Abuse: https://www.twolightstherapy.com/narcissistic-abuse-intensives Attachment Style Therapy: https://www.twolightstherapy.com/attachment-styles-therapy Couples Therapy for Attachment Challenges: https://www.twolightstherapy.com/couples-therapy-for-attachment-styles Two Lights Therapy Center | Chicago, Illinois. Narcissism & Abuse Recovery Specialists Disclaimer: The information provided in these blog posts is for informational and educational purposes only. It is not intended to be a substitute for professional therapy or therapeutic services. Readers should not use this content as a replacement for individualized advice or treatment. If you are experiencing a crisis or need immediate assistance, please call 911 or contact other emergency services in your area.

What’s the Difference Between Narcissistic Behaviors & Behaviors Associated with Certain Attachment Styles? Even to the well-trained eye, certain insecure attachment patterns can appear to be highly narcissistic. This is especially true when there are high levels of reactivity, selfishness, or blunted emotions. What’s important to consider is that while narcissistic tendencies are deeply woven into the structure of personality, attachment patterns are more fluid and more easily influenced by trauma-informed therapies.  It can be difficult to accept how stable temperament/personality can be. We all love to believe that significant change is possible with hard work, but when it comes time to make those big changes, typically, personality styles endure. People with narcissistic personality styles attempt to find safety and avoid shame by exploiting and degrading others. Influenced by both nature and nurture, narcissistic personalities are often a result of early trauma, severe neglect, or even certain flavors of really poor parenting. What often looks like callousness or arrogance in narcissistic individuals is actually part of how they try to regulate a shaky sense of self-worth (through entitlement, control, and emotional distancing). In most cases, there is nothing that can be done to help a narcissistic person unless they are deeply dedicated to life-long trauma therapy (and aren’t just lying about being dedicated to life-long trauma therapy…) On the other hand, attachment styles can slide around a little. Think of attachment styles as our human-vessel security systems. They all work a bit differently, but the goal is the same: stay safe, regulate, find connection, & avoid pain. When discussing insecure attachment styles, I often suggest the visual of a bodyguard or bouncer who is maybe a little too passionate about their job. With the right help, attachment styles can be rewired (like the bodyguard/bouncer getting proper de-escalation training). Once tools and skills are learned, clients with insecure attachment styles are able to do the hard (but important) work required to become more securely attached. But it takes time & practice! Can Someone Be Both a Narcissist and Fearful-Avoidant? Yes, and this is where things can get especially confusing. While narcissism and fearful-avoidant attachment aren’t the same, there is an overlap in the associated behaviors. A person can have narcissistic traits and  also struggle with disorganized attachment. In fact, some of the leading specialists on attachment argue that MOST narcissists are fearful avoidants, not dismissive avoidants (as many believe). That said, this is still hotly debated.  Fearful avoidants desperately seek connection but often become cold, resentful, and defensive the moment vulnerability or criticism arises. They may also sabotage intimacy to avoid the pain of perceived rejection, all while accusing others of being incapable or unsafe. When this happens, it’s easy to feel like you’re in a relationship with a narcissist, even if the core issue is actually deep-rooted fear rather than a fixed lack of empathy. Of course, it’s important to consider that abuse is abuse, regardless of “why” someone is acting or behaving a certain way. Anyone with any attachment style is capable of abuse, and there is no excuse.  How Narcissistic Traits Can Show Up in Any Attachment Style When we hear “narcissist”, most of us think of someone cold, “evil”, arrogant, and emotionally unavailable. The truth is that narcissistic traits like extreme entitlement, self-centeredness, or a lack of empathy can show up in people with any  attachment style, especially when they're activated or in distress. Attachment theory explains how we relate to others, especially in close relationships, based on our early attachment and attunement experiences. When our nervous systems perceive danger/distress, we all have protective strategies—and sometimes those strategies can look  really narcissistic, even when they're not rooted in a truly narcissistic personality. For example: An anxiously attached  person may become preoccupied with their own needs for reassurance and inadvertently overlook (or trample) their partner’s boundaries. They may go through your phone, demand your attention in inappropriate ways, or even ruin special events because they aren’t capable of better regulating themselves when they really should be able to. A dismissive avoidant individual may shut down emotionally, dismiss others' needs, or act superior as a way to protect themselves from vulnerability. It’s not unusual for dismissive avoidants to ghost people in a very antisocial manner when the ghosting was far from necessary. A fearful-avoidant  (disorganized) person may swing between clinginess and coldness, creating chaos that feels confusing or even unsafe. Disorganized individuals are often HIGHLY reactive, prompting concern from your loved ones and friends who notice and find their behavior exhausting. Both types of avoidants may also cheat to create more “emotional distance” from you. All of the imaginary individuals referenced above are also capable of incredible levels of verbal abuse, such as chronic name-calling, loudly weaponizing insecurities, and endless cursing. While these behaviors can resemble narcissism on the surface, the motivation underneath is different. Narcissism is marked by a deep, inflexible lack of empathy and a need to control others. Attachment-driven behaviors, on the other hand, are rooted in fears of rejection and abandonment. That said, some (most) of the behaviors mentioned above are, by definition, abusive. Fear is powerful and can be the root of many maladaptive behaviors. Understanding Fearful-Avoidant Attachment (Disorganized Attachment) Fearful-avoidant attachment! One of my favorite attachment styles to work with. Sometimes called disorganized attachment (I actually prefer this term), fearful avoidants are some of the most misunderstood individuals. Let's dive in deeper. Often, you’ll hear this attachment style described as the style that “fears intimacy, but craves connection at the same time”, and that is PART of the story; however, it can feel like an oversimplification. Fearful avoidants jump around on their own spectrum and can be both anxious preoccupied and dismissive avoidant. This spectrum is vast and complex, leaving both FA individuals and their loved ones stumped much of the time. No two fearful avoidants are quite the same, but I will do my best to explain more consistent themes. People with disorganized attachment (remember—it’s the same thing as fearful avoidance) desperately want to be seen, heard, and understood. The problem is, these desires run so deep that they often expect you to read their mind, anticipate all their needs, and see into the deepest depths of their soul. This intense (and unrealistic) need for closeness often quickly leads to disappointment, and the disappointment often triggers hypervigilance: “Does this person REALLY care about me?” “Is this person capable of loving me the way I need to be loved?” “If you don’t get this, do you really get me at all?” “Are my emotions going to feel like too much for this person? Will they leave me? I bet they’ve already considered doing that…now I'm mad. I'll leave you first.”  Their desire for closeness paired with their fear of betrayal/abandonment often leads to a push-pull dynamic in relationships. Underneath this push-pull is often a nervous system wired for survival, shaped by early experiences of love that were unpredictable, unsafe, or conditional. They often struggle to trust others and  also themselves. When conflict arises, they may become quickly dysregulated, lashing out, shutting down, or switching between protest behaviors and retreat. This hot-and-cold behavior is usually a sign of emotional overwhelm and their own confusion.  This attachment style can be especially confusing because it really can mimic narcissistic behavior really beautifully, especially given the sudden emotional withdrawal, reactive anger, or hypersensitivity to criticism. But again, the root  is different. While narcissism centers on control and grandiosity, fearful avoidance is rooted in terror: of being hurt, of being misunderstood, of losing the person they care about most. Ironic, right? How Fearful-Avoidants Can Heal & What Makes It So Hard Fearful avoidants are some of the fastest emotional processors. It’s very, very impressive to “watch them work”. Their entire lives, they have put everything under a microscope, and that microscope has a very negative bias on the lens. People with disorganized attachment are truly the ninjas of the attachment world, and they are ready to save themselves however they must. Relational, trauma-informed therapy is so important for these clients because of their understandable difficulties with trust. It’s important to help them recognize, appreciate, and gently shift their adaptations, rather than shaming or criticizing them. This individual's “protective parts” have worked incredibly hard to keep them safe for so much of their lives, and it can be helpful to help them extend some self-gratitude. Revisiting unprocessed trauma with modalities like EMDR or Internal Family Systems work (integrated into relational therapy) can be a great option. Working on fearful-avoidant attachment patterns requires learning nervous system regulating skills (and actually using them), practicing inner reparenting, and finding a willingness to stay present (even when it feels unsafe). This often means learning to tolerate vulnerability, noticing emotional triggers without acting on them , and slowly rebuilding trust with themselves and others. While self-expression is not typically difficult at all for fearful avoidants, learning to respond respectfully and calmly can be difficult. Feeling “weak” or vulnerable is incredibly uncomfortable for them. Self-awareness is also not usually difficult for fearful avoidants, but truly admitting their behaviors are often inappropriate can be a tough pill to swallow. To them, acknowledging that often feels like self-abandonment. Some unique challenges in this process include: Fear of engulfment & fear of abandonment are happening simultaneously Self-sabotage when intimacy feels “too safe”, "cringey", or unfamiliar Shame around being “too much” or “too hard to love” Difficulty discerning real threats/insults/judgments from perceived ones Important Note: There’s Never an Excuse for Abuse While it’s important to understand the roots of fearful-avoidant patterns, insight is not the same as justification. Attachment wounds can explain  why someone behaves in chaotic or self-protective ways, but they do not excuse behaviors that are abusive or controlling.  Fearful-avoidant dynamics can be extremely destabilizing to their partners. The unpredictability and emotional reactivity can mimic narcissistic abuse, leaving loved ones feeling gaslighted, confused, and drained. No matter how much someone has been wounded by their past, it is their responsibility to do the work of healing rather than continuing cycles of harm. Therapy that focuses on relational safety, somatic awareness, and attachment repair is essential. How to Navigate Conflict with a Fearful-Avoidant Partner When you’re in a relationship with a fearful-avoidant partner, it can feel like walking on eggshells. You’re never quite sure which version of them you’ll get. They might beg you not to leave, then they may tell you to get lost when things get vulnerable.  One of the main challenges I see arise in my practice is people assuming that once conflict has begun that they should immediately jump to making their fearful-avoidant partner feel seen, heard, and understood. That’s the goal, right? That's what they want? That is their core need! Well, here’s the thing... Once a fearful avoidant partner starts to feel overwhelmed, they may move closer to their dismissive avoidant side, adopting more of those DA tendencies rather suddenly. It can look similar to the "splitting" one might expect with certain personality disorders. Once they begin having deactivating thoughts like...  “This relationship isn’t right for me.” “I don’t even like them anymore.” "I feel so trapped and honestly kind of icked out right now. I wouldn't feel like this if I really cared about this person..." "They're totally going to leave me anyway. I should just end this. This is stupid and a waste of my time." "Someone who loves me wouldn't act like this." “Everything feels wrong…a relationship shouldn’t feel like this. I shouldn't feel confused." I need to get out of here and respect my intuition.” ...they are going to be much less receptive to the intimate act of being seen, heard, and understood by you. While they may have, at one point, wanted your reassurance, what they "need" now more than ever might be space. Until their nervous system begins to regulate itself, any attempt at connection could push them further away. Those deactivating thoughts are the brain's way of justifying behaviors and creating distance from the pain of conflict. The thoughts aren't true, but they guide the individual away from the perceived threat— you. "To safety!", their attachment style says... It’s important to offer love & support, but also offer options to avoid leaving them feeling trapped, cornered, or stuck. Fearful avoidants often require someone with a secure attachment to model appropriate behaviors (behaviors they likely didn’t witness in childhood).  Some strategies that help: Don’t chase when they withdraw—but don’t retaliate, either.  Calm, consistent presence (without pressure) creates safety. Offer appropriate amounts of space or time alone if you can while maintaining your own boundaries. Avoid shaming or accusing language.  They’re already anticipating judgment. At this point, criticism will feel considerably worse than usual. Name the impact while affirming care.  Example: “I know you shut down when you're overwhelmed, and I am hearing you say you want to break up. I'm sure ending our relationship would make you feel better temporarily, but that's really painful for me to hear and consider. I can't begin to imagine how you feel right now, but I'd love to better understand at some point when you're ready to talk. You're important to me." OR "When you put your walls up like this, I feel cut off and alone. I’m not here to hurt you—I want us to be able to talk through things together, but I will give you space right now if that is what you need. I do not have any desire to control you or make you stay somewhere that feels limiting. You are your own person, but I like it when we are a team, too.” Regulate yourself first.  When you're grounded, it helps soothe their fear-driven reactions. Model Self-Respect. If the fearful avoidant partner begins to insult you, punch below the belt, or get dysregulated, remove yourself from the situation calmly. Ultimately, you can’t fix  a fearful-avoidant partner. But you can set boundaries, communicate openly, and decide whether the relationship is sustainable as-is, or whether their healing needs to happen outside of the relationship. The Unfortunate Pattern That Leads to Game Playing We’ve talked a lot about the more dismissive avoidant side of a disorganized individual, but what about their anxious preoccupied tendencies? After spending a lot of time in a relationship with a fearful avoidant, you may notice a pattern emerging. When you pull back, they come running. Top speed. Because I preach authenticity, healthy communication, and secure attachment habits, I don’t often explore this pattern too deeply in my sessions for fear that it may be weaponized. But the reality is, because that pendulum can swing back and forth, people with disorganized attachment typically WILL chase if they perceive abandonment, an increase in self-respect/firmer boundaries, or like they’ve “messed up”.  If you decide you’ve had enough and walk away from this kind of relationship or agree with their demands to break up (calmly, quietly, respectfully), more often than not, you should be prepared for your avoidant partner to reemerge. It can be days, weeks, months, or even years, but remember that until deeper work has occurred, this cycle may start all over again (with you or with the next person).  When to Seek Support: Therapy for Complex Relational Patterns If you’ve been in a relationship where you’re constantly questioning what’s real, wondering whether someone is being manipulative, or struggling with your own reactivity, therapy can help you get on track. As a therapist who specializes in narcissistic abuse and attachment trauma, I help clients unpack these patterns with care and nuance.  Get Started With An Attachment-Theory Specialist: I’m a Chicago-based therapist who specializes in narcissistic abuse recovery and attachment trauma. I use an integrative, relational, attachment-focused approach with EMDR when appropriate. If this sounds like a good fit,  reach out here . Attachment Style Therapy: https://www.twolightstherapy.com/attachment-styles-therapy Attachment Therapy for Couples: https://www.twolightstherapy.com/couples-therapy-for-attachment-styles Narcissistic Abuse Therapy: https://www.twolightstherapy.com/narcissistic-abuse-therapy Narcissistic Abuse Intensives: https://www.twolightstherapy.com/narcissistic-abuse-intensives EMDR for Narcissistic Abuse: https://www.twolightstherapy.com/emdr-for-narcissistic-abuse Therapy for Antagonistic Relationship Challenges: https://www.twolightstherapy.com/therapy-for-antagonistic-relationships   Two Lights Therapy Center PLLC | Chicago, Illinois. Narcissistic Abuse Recovery Therapy Please Note: The information provided in these blog posts is for informational and educational purposes only. It is not intended to be a substitute for professional therapy or therapeutic services. While licensed psychotherapists write these blogs, readers should not use this content as a replacement for individualized advice or treatment. If you are experiencing a crisis or need immediate assistance, please call 911 or contact other emergency services in your area.

Was this person a narcissist, or were they a dismissive avoidant? Are they a narcissist, or are they a fearful avoidant with a disorganized attachment style? Did early attachment trauma play a role in our dysfunction, or are they “weaponizing” their early experiences to justify their abusive behaviors? Was my own attachment style getting in the way of me showing up securely, or was I just being manipulated into feeling like I was the problem? Was I reactive in an incongruent way, or was my reaction to what seemed like verbal and emotional abuse a reasonable response? Was their explosiveness a sign of early wounds being triggered, or are they just…a jerk? Are they doing this on purpose? Are they a narcissist?? Am I? Do I need therapy…or do they? What is going on?! It’s natural to have a million questions swirling around in your skull when your relationship feels like a never-ending cycle of nonsense, exhaustion, drama, confusion, and pain. If these questions resonated with you, I invite you to reach out as my practice offers attachment-focused and narcissistic abuse therapy in Chicago. The reality is that narcissistic tendencies, fearful avoidant attachment styles, and dismissive avoidant attachment styles can all give rise to complex, traumatic, painful dynamics. And unfortunately, they often look similar on the surface. Both narcissistic traits and the behaviors associated with insecure attachment styles can result from early relational trauma. In fact, it is rumored that narcissistic personality disorder (and other cluster A, B, & C personality disorders) may be replaced in the next DSM with some kinds of attachment-trauma-focused diagnoses (maybe just a rumor!). People are complex! What we do know, and what is important to remember, is that intent matters—as does emotional tolerance and capacity for accountability. Therapy is a great place to explore your unique situation, but in this blog, we will explore 3 ways you can begin untangling the truth on your own.  Is It Narcissistic Abuse or Avoidant Attachment? Look at Why They Pulled Away... Avoidance is often the "answer" for many people, not just narcissists. Avoidance can be seen as an adaptive trait and a way of staying safe in early life. That said, people with narcissistic traits often withdraw in a calculated fashion to punish, provoke, or regain control of the dynamic. While “the silent treatment” is disorienting, in the moment, we have to be honest with ourselves about the real reason it might be being used (btw it's unacceptable regardless). Excess entitlement, blame, anger, bad-mouthing, and gaslighting (paired with this creation of distance) typically indicate some level of narcissism. Keep in mind, people can have narcissistic traits/tendencies without being a narcissist or having narcissistic personality disorder. Narcissistic folk are often allergic to accountability, and it can feel like they don’t even want an argument to end/to find closure because the tension gives them a sense of power. Your pain is their power. Dismissive avoidants, in contrast, often pull away because they feel very overwhelmed by your pain and their own. Emotional conversations and moments of intimacy can feel threatening, especially when they trigger unresolved shame, vulnerability, or feelings of defectiveness. When I say these moments “feel threatening”, I really mean it. Perceived conflict, genuinely and literally, FEELS threatening (to their nervous system). Their amygdala activation can be off the charts. This isn’t always logical, but it does not mean a dismissive avoidant person doesn’t genuinely feel afraid. I’ve heard my DA clients describe conflict as making them feel like they were going to “literally die”. Interesting, right? So all that said, dismissive avoidants often genuinely need more space to regulate, but that can certainly still leave us feeling abandoned. An excessive need for space does not typically foster the healthiest of relationships. DA's can work on distress tolerance in therapy to help with this. Fearful avoidants are more complex. Because they crave closeness and being seen/heard (but also fear it), their withdrawal is often a protest behavior to offer you a taste of what they are feeling or have felt in the past (done unconsciously). Their withdrawals may seem dramatic or confusing, but they’re usually driven by panic, emotional flooding, or self-protection, not necessarily a need/drive for power. Fearful avoidants are some of the deepest feelers and fastest emotional processors, making their experiences with conflict very complex. Narcissists and Avoidants Often Respond Differently to Your Pain. Is it Weaponized, Minimized, or Flat-Out Ignored? When you’ve shared that something they said or did to you hurt you, how did they respond? Narcissistic individuals are more likely to gaslight, blame-shift, and deny your reality. You might hear things like, "You're being dramatic," “You’re too sensitive,” “You are always twisting things,” or “This is why no one wants to deal with you.” Their goal is typically to protect their own ego, certainly not to repair the relationship or make you feel seen. Dismissive avoidants may also struggle to hold space for your pain—but it’s often not because they WANT to hurt you (but they absolutely still can). They might minimize your concerns or shut down, saying things like, “Can we not do this right now?,” “I didn’t mean it like that,” or “I don’t know what you want me to say.” It can feel invalidating and dismissive, but it’s usually not driven by cruelty. That said, it IS still driven by a need for control, and this is an important point to consider. It can be very challenging to build a relationship with someone who attempts to control you or the relationship by limiting moments of communication and connection to spare their solitude. Fearful avoidants, on the other hand,  might respond with tears, defensiveness, or mixed messages. They may apologize one moment, then push you away the next, continuing to defend themselves. Their reactions are often confusing because they’re highly dysregulated in moments of conflict. They are often trying to manage their own spiraling emotions while also fearing they’ve messed up and pushed you away for good. This can be very overwhelming for all involved, including the FA. Narcissistic Rage vs Fearful Avoidant Dysregulation: What’s the Difference? This is a tricky one. When conflict escalates, narcissists may become cruel. They’re more likely to mock, insult, blame-shift, or hit below the belt—especially if their shame is triggered (easy to do) and they feel threatened. This is known as narcissistic rage, and it’s a defensive reaction to ego injury (narcissistic injury). Dismissive avoidants, on the other hand, tend to shut down or disengage completely when conflict arises. They often avoid confrontation altogether or offer cold, rationalized responses. They may seem emotionally vacant, or they may actually vacate shared space (which can be exceptionally hurtful)—but it’s not typically intended as punishment. Fearful avoidants are more prone to big displays of emotional expression. Shame, fear, guilt, and anger may trigger moments of impulsivity. They may say some seriously hurtful things, then spiral into guilt or dissociation. While usually highly reactive, they don’t intentionally aim to destroy your self-esteem and instead are just desperate to be seen, heard, and understood. You are much more likely to see accountability taken (in a genuine way) by an FA vs. a narcissistic individual. That said, being in a relationship with an FA with limited self-awareness can be very challenging. Once fearful avoidants understand their patterns and start to "do the work", they can be absolutely wonderful partners given their amazing ability to feel and understand things so deeply. The same cannot be said for narcissistic individuals, unfortunately. Abuse Is Never Justified—Regardless of Any “Reason” You're Given Whether someone is narcissistic, leans heavily fearful avoidant, or leans heavily dismissive avoidant, none  of these challenges ever excuse abusive behavior. Understanding someone's attachment style or potential personality disorder can provide some clarity, but the knowledge should never be used to justify harmful behavior. You deserve relationships that feel safe, reciprocal, and respectful. If someone continually avoids you, yells at you, harms you, confuses you, or makes you feel like you’re “too much,” you’re allowed to walk away—even if they have trauma of their own. If you’re unsure what you’re experiencing—or feel like you're constantly second-guessing yourself—we're here to help.  Narcissistic Abuse Therapy, Chicago, IL Learn about our narcissistic personality & narcissistic abuse recovery services at Two Lights Therapy Center PLLC : https://www.twolightstherapy.com/ Want to book a session with a therapist who specializes in narcissistic abuse therapy?  Virtual Sessions for survivors can be scheduled by emailing: hello@twolightstherapy.com  or by visiting:   https://www.twolightstherapy.com/contact     Two Lights Therapy Center PLLC | Chicago, Illinois Narcissistic Abuse Recovery Specialist & Licensed Psychotherapist Please Note: The information provided in these blog posts is for informational and educational purposes only. It is not intended to be a substitute for professional therapy or therapeutic services. While these blogs are written by licensed psychotherapists, readers should not use this content as a replacement for individualized advice or treatment. If you are experiencing a crisis or need immediate assistance, please call 911 or contact other emergency services in your area.

During or after narcissistic abuse, finding the right support is everything. While there are many well-meaning therapists eager to support you, not all are equipped with the proper tools and training to understand the unique challenges, triggers, and dynamics that survivors face. Even some of the most tried and true supports and modalities (that work for a variety of mental health challenges) can cause significant damage to individuals who have been impacted by narcissism. Why? Because being “narcissistically abused” is not a diagnosis. Most of the time, reactions to narcissistic abuse are congruent, understandable adaptations, not symptoms to be pathologized. So, what kinds of therapy are best for narcissistic abuse (while being safe and actually helpful)? It’s an important question. **Disclaimer: This blog should not deter you from seeking support. The right therapist is out there! I know it's hard to find the right fit, but don't give up. You've got this. Not All Therapy Is Created Equal Many generalist therapists are trained to treat anxiety, depression, or relationship issues with a one-size-fits-most approach. These approaches are awesome for, let’s say, generalized anxiety disorder, because they are backed by evidence and shown to work! Here’s the catch—the responses and challenges that arise from narcissistic abuse have been proven to be different from anxiety disorders/major depressive disorder in many, many ways. In fact, the effects of narcissistic abuse have the most overlap with the symptoms of PTSD, but there is still a large portion of the effects that do not overlap with ANY other current criteria. Wild, right? The point is, the unique effects of narcissistic abuse are underemphasized and underrepresented in the current literature.   Narcissistic abuse is not just something that arises from your garden-variety “toxic relationship”. Survivors are often so badly gaslit, traumatized, and invalidated that their very sense of reality is completely crushed. Approaching that kind of trauma with certain “standard” therapies can cause more harm than good. Some therapists might not like to admit that, but it's objectively true. In fact, survivors are often retraumatized when a therapist fails to recognize: The role of covert manipulation, trauma-bonds, charisma, and charm The pervasive shame survivors carry for “falling for it” The patterns of self-blame, residual love, rumination, chronic second-guessing The danger of pushing for reconciliation or “shared responsibility” The Best Therapy for Narcissistic Abuse? Relational, Trauma-Informed, and Specialized To recover from narcissistic abuse, you need more than coping skills or reframed thoughts. You need a space where your experiences are truly understood, and where you don’t have to prove, defend, or justify the impact of this kind of relational trauma.  Look for a therapist who offers: 1. Attachment-Based, Relational Therapy Healing does not happen in a vacuum. You need a therapist who knows how to build a safe, attuned connection with their clients. Rapport is everything. While there is a time and place for the blank-slate, blunt therapist who only periodically peaks out from behind clinical neutrality, this is not it! The therapeutic relationship itself becomes a corrective experience, especially when trust and vulnerability have been weaponized in the past. 2. Trauma-Informed Treatment You may have heard the term “trauma-informed” tossed around. But what does it mean? Trauma-informed, in this case, means your therapist understands how abuse rewires the nervous system, erodes identity, and keeps you in a survival state. A trauma-informed lens also helps guide the pace of therapy (keeping things feel gentle and respectful) so that you don’t feel pushed, pathologized, or misunderstood. Trauma-informed therapists are also open to exploring the therapeutic relationship in a way that allows for your attachment trauma to show up safely in sessions (even when big emotions are directed at your therapist). 3. Expertise in Narcissistic Abuse Okay, yeah, this is a shameless self-plug. But seriously, this is non-negotiable. I have seen a devastating amount of harm caused by therapists (especially couples therapists—but no shade) who weren’t adequately prepared to deal with narcissistic dynamics. You need a therapist who not only understands narcissistic dynamics but understands narcissistic dynamics on a DEEP level. Just having the language (gaslighting, future-faking, trauma-bonding, love bombing, breadcrumbing) isn’t enough. Your therapist must appear to know what these dynamics look/feel like, and should be someone who doesn’t mistake emotional withdrawal for healthy boundaries or spiritual bypassing for “high road” behavior. 4.) Other Kinds of Therapy That Tend to Work Well for Narcissistic Abuse Survivors Parts Work/Internal Family Systems Therapy for Narcissistic Abuse EMDR Therapy for Narcissistic Abuse Coherence Therapy Somatic Therapies Therapies focused on the impact of domestic violence Therapies for Childhood Trauma Survivors  Why Survivors Need a Specialized Approach Survivors almost always feel shame. “Why didn’t I leave sooner?” “How did I not see it?” “What’s wrong with me?” You don’t need a therapist who rushes you to “let go and move on.” You don’t want a therapist who helps you see how you “invited” the abuse (I hated even writing that). You need someone who understands, helping you to rebuild self-trust SLOWLY by honoring the ways your nervous system was hijacked and honoring any feelings you still have for your abuser. The right therapy helps you: Name the manipulation without minimizing it or self-blaming Reclaim your identity, intuition, voice, and life Understand what has happened to you Feel safe enough to stop over-explaining yourself Recognize red flags without second-guessing yourself Final Thoughts: You Deserve More Than Generic Support If you’ve experienced narcissistic abuse, please know: it wasn’t your fault, and you’re not “too much” or a burden for needing this level of care. Recovery is real, but it starts by finding the right kind of therapy and the right kind of therapist. Don’t settle for someone who treats this like just another breakup or a projection of your insecurities. Find someone who gets it. Frequently Asked Questions About Therapy for Narcissistic Abuse How do I know if my therapist understands narcissistic abuse? Ask them directly. A knowledgeable therapist should be familiar with narcissistic abuse terms, but they should also be able to confidently explain how they approach treatment for narcissistic abuse specifically. They should never  minimize your experience, normalize the behaviors, push for forgiveness prematurely (or at all, frankly), or imply mutual blame in cases of emotional abuse. Why is trauma-informed therapy so important for survivors? Because narcissistic abuse is a form of relational trauma. It impacts your nervous system, identity, and sense of safety in life and in relationships. Trauma-informed therapy helps you process what has happened without it being retraumatizing. Is EMDR or somatic therapy helpful for narcissistic abuse? Yes, but only in the right context. EMDR and somatic work are powerful options, but they must be integrated carefully within a relational framework. Processing trauma too fast or in the wrong environment (one that doesn’t yet feel safe) can actually worsen symptoms. The relationship with your therapist still matters most. What if I feel ashamed for not leaving sooner? Will my therapist judge me? This fear is incredibly common. Narcissistic abuse uses cycles of hope, fear, and confusion to keep you paralyzed. The right therapy will help you stop blaming yourself and start understanding the nervous system adaptations that helped you survive. How long does it take to recover from narcissistic abuse? Ah yes—the question we all want answered. Unfortunately, there’s no set timeline. (I know, don’t hate me.) Recovery depends a lot on your support system, the length of time you were abused, and the quality of therapy you receive.  Ready to Work with a Narcissism Specialist? I’m a Chicago-based therapist who specializes in narcissistic abuse recovery. I use an integrative, relational, attachment-focused approach with EMDR when appropriate. If this sounds like what you're looking for,  reach out here . Narcissistic Abuse Therapy: https://www.twolightstherapy.com/narcissistic-abuse-therapy Narcissistic Abuse Intensives: https://www.twolightstherapy.com/narcissistic-abuse-intensives EMDR for Narcissistic Abuse: https://www.twolightstherapy.com/emdr-for-narcissistic-abuse Therapy for Antagonistic Relationship Challenges: https://www.twolightstherapy.com/therapy-for-antagonistic-relationships Two Lights Therapy Center PLLC | Chicago, Illinois. Narcissistic Abuse Recovery Therapy Please Note: The information provided in these blog posts is for informational and educational purposes only. It is not intended to be a substitute for professional therapy or therapeutic services. While licensed psychotherapists write these blogs, readers should not use this content as a replacement for individualized advice or treatment. If you are experiencing a crisis or need immediate assistance, please call 911 or contact other emergency services in your area.

What Is an Antagonistic Dismissive Avoidant? While “antagonistic dismissive avoidant” is not a diagnosis or commonly used clinical term, it is a crucial one to keep in mind, given that not all dismissive avoidants are created equal. Not every dismissive avoidant individual is outwardly aggressive; in fact, most are not! Many avoidants actually tend to appease or placate, not because they’re secure, but because they fear conflict or criticism. These individuals might seem calm, collected, and cooperative on the surface, even people-pleasing (while still experiencing the same dismissive avoidant fears of failure). But there's a more volatile “subtype” (if you will) to consider that’s often misunderstood: the antagonistic dismissive avoidant . The way to think about antagonistic avoidants is to consider everything else you’ve learned about avoidants and then add more anger and spice. This type of avoidant doesn’t simply distance themselves or ask for space—they aggressively push you away. They become increasingly cold, cutting, judgmental, and even cruel as the relationship deepens and becomes more intimate. What starts as an uncomfortable distancing can evolve into outright antagonism. You may even start to feel as though you are being punished by the person (which, I think, is what makes many people consider the narcissism spectrum). Their avoidant attachment alarm system sees your closeness as a threat to their emotional safety, independence/autonomy, livelihood, and even to their more general sense of control. For example, they may begin to believe your presence is interfering with their work, their travels, their hobbies, and their other relationships (even when you are not). They feel stuck, and they decide you are the problem. Even... "the bad guy". Dismissive Avoidant vs Narcissist: What’s the Difference? Does it Matter? From the outside, it can be incredibly hard to tell the difference between a narcissist and an antagonistic dismissive avoidant. Both may: Devalue you over time, making you feel like the problem Blame you for “ruining” the relationship or “complicating” things React with disproportionate rage or contempt when “boundaries” are questioned Shut down or explode when asked to communicate or connect emotionally But the underlying drivers  are different. A narcissist  seeks to control, coerce, and find superiority through antagonism in order to manage deep shame and internalized rage. Studies have found that abusers do recognize their actions as cruel and harmful on some level. Causing you pain makes narcissistic people feel more powerful and at ease, even when they know "in theory" that what they are doing is wrong. An antagonistic dismissive avoidant  lashes out because they feel engulfed, overstimulated, and overwhelmed by intimacy, even if they initiated the relationship or idealized you at first. They often don’t understand that what they are doing is truly cruel because they feel you should be able to “man up” or “just leave” just like they’ve had to do all their own life to survive. Their hostility develops as a response to a fear of losing themselves, not necessarily a need to dominate or cause pain. Unfortunately, I may now confirm one of your worst suspicions: With most types of antagonistic individuals, they do view your vulnerability as "weakness". By viewing you in this way, they can further justify their own behaviors. Their entire lives, they have been warned (literally and more subtly) of "weakness". When you (understandably) begin to struggle to maintain a secure attachment (GEE, I wonder why!), antagonistic dismissive avoidants use this as evidence of a "bad match". Regardless of the “why”, antagonistic individuals (narcissists or antagonistic avoidants) are not what we’d call “safe people”. The proof is in the patterns. Whether they are a “narcissist” doesn’t really matter at the end of the day if the outcome and pain you endure are the same. As difficult as it is to walk away, it’s important to begin considering it. If you've been discarded, seek safe support as soon as possible. Trauma isn't just what happens during a relationship, but also what happens after. The Cycle: Idealization → Resentment → Explosion → Discard In the early stages, antagonistic dismissive avoidants might seem charming, grounded, or even like “the calm one.” Once the relationship becomes more intimate or expectations arise, they often start to resent you, not because you’ve done anything wrong , but because your presence threatens their carefully constructed emotional "boundaries" (BLOCKAGES). That wall is there for a reason! And they don't want you knocking it down (which is necessary for true intimacy). That resentment festers. They may begin to criticize you, withdraw affection, or act passive-aggressively. Eventually, the tension turns to terror, ironically, in both you AND the avoidant as they feel deeply disturbed by conflict (yes, even when they’ve caused it). These individuals can erupt suddenly and cruelly, saying devastating things, accusing you of “ruining their life,” or framing you as the unstable one. This is often the moment of discard, and it is not followed by regret or repair. They may give you the silent treatment, ghost, stonewall, or completely cut off contact, hoping that their final outburst was enough to push you away for good. These sudden discards are especially common after vacations, family events, weddings, birthdays, or even deaths. All of the aforementioned are typically emotionally charged, and these milestones mark progress that the avoidant does not want to witness. Why Antagonistic Avoidants Are Often Misdiagnosed as Narcissists Many survivors walk away from these relationships wondering, " Was I with a narcissist?" It's a valid question, especially when the behavior was so dehumanizing and makes you feel like you’re losing it.  Here’s the nuance: not all inconsistent or emotionally harmful partners are narcissists. Some people are just jerks. Others are acting from a deeply wired fear response. That doesn’t excuse their behavior, but it helps you understand why  it happened. It also shows you why trying to change them only seemed to make things worse, and it helps you understand that recognizing and labeling avoidance is not the quick fix you'd hoped for. Healing After a Relationship with an Antagonistic Dismissive Avoidant If you're recovering from a relationship like this, you’re not alone (and you're not “crazy”). These dynamics are emotionally destabilizing because the whiplash (from calm to cruel) truly violates your nervous system’s sense of safety and logic. As a Chicago therapist who specializes in narcissistic abuse and complex attachment trauma, I help clients examine what happened and process trauma, without pathologizing or staying stuck in endless rumination. Final Thoughts: Narcissist or Antagonistic Dismissive Avoidant? The Behavior Still Hurts Whether your partner was narcissistic, avoidant, or somewhere in between, what matters most are the persistent patterns and how they made you feel . Abuse is abuse, even when it's subtle, or even when it's framed as “just needing more space & peace.” You deserve relationships that feel safe and where the effort is mutual. Looking for a narcissistic abuse therapist in Chicago, Illinois? I offer virtual therapy for survivors of narcissistic relationships, high-conflict breakups, and attachment trauma. Reach out through   my website  to learn more. Narcissistic Abuse Therapy: https://www.twolightstherapy.com/narcissistic-abuse-therapy Narcissistic Abuse Intensives: https://www.twolightstherapy.com/narcissistic-abuse-intensives EMDR for Narcissistic Abuse: https://www.twolightstherapy.com/emdr-for-narcissistic-abuse Therapy for Antagonistic Relationship Challenges: https://www.twolightstherapy.com/therapy-for-antagonistic-relationships Two Lights Therapy Center PLLC | Chicago, Illinois. Narcissistic Abuse Recovery & Complex Attachment Trauma Specialists Please Note: The information provided in these blog posts is for informational and educational purposes only. It is not intended to be a substitute for professional therapy or therapeutic services. While licensed psychotherapists write these blogs, readers should not use this content as a replacement for individualized advice or treatment. If you are experiencing a crisis or need immediate assistance, please call 911 or contact other emergency services in your area.

This guide will explore how to find the right group support for narcissistic abuse recovery. Once survivors recognize how isolated they’ve become as a result of narcissistic abuse, they often wonder what kind of support they should seek out. It’s natural to be hesitant or unsure of where to turn (especially given that narcissistic abuse makes you feel like you can't make good decisions). If your friends or family have been less than understanding, you might start to wonder about support groups. If you’re searching for a narcissistic abuse support group in Chicago, here are a few tips to help you make sure you land somewhere safe and supportive. Please note: guidelines may vary by state There is really nothing better than being in a room (or in a virtual meeting) with other people who really GET IT . Not to mention, looking for a narcissistic abuse support group in Chicago might just lead you to something even more powerful: a path back to yourself. (Too cheesy? Never!) While I don’t currently offer group therapy or support groups at Two Lights Therapy Center, many of my clients initially found me while searching for one. What they often discover is that both group and individual support have their place. I think understanding the difference can help you take the next right step. Why Narcissistic Abuse Survivors Seek Out Support Groups or Group Therapy for Narcissistic Abuse Individuals who have experienced narcissistic abuse can tell you—the isolation feels endless. Sometimes, we not only feel deeply alone because we have become so,  but also because when we have reached out for help, we’ve been met with judgment.  Abusers often isolate their targets (both physically and emotionally), and your loved ones may not have been able to understand why you weren’t in touch as often. Friends may have misread the situation, assuming your "flakiness" reflected a lack of desire to connect. Please also consider that it is not uncommon for survivors to push away those close to them during abuse due to shame, fear, and their abuser’s demands. While those relationships can be repaired, in the meantime, support groups can be a powerful antidote to this isolation. For many survivors, narcissistic abuse survivor communities are a place where they feel truly seen. When someone shares a story that sounds just like yours, it becomes easier to believe that what happened to you was REAL and that it wasn’t your fault. (It wasn't by the way...). The Benefits of Narcissistic Abuse Support Groups Mutual understanding & the accompanying validation An opportunity to step out of the shadows A place to break the silence that keeps your shame alive Opportunities to learn new language for the things you have experienced Opportunities to build healthy, corrective relationships through peer connection Support during trauma bond "withdrawal" (THE WORST) One of the most common patterns I see in my clients is the feeling of being "addicted" to a narcissistic ex, even when they logically know the relationship was damaging. This is the nature of trauma bonding. Support groups can help ease the withdrawal when you finally decide to go no-contact, especially if your support system is limited and you are often alone. What Is the Difference Between Individual Therapy and a Narcissistic Abuse Support Group? Both support groups and therapy have much to offer, but they certainly serve different roles. Support groups provide that sense of shared experience, which can be comforting and normalizing. Finding a place where you need not fear judgment and can set aside social anxiety is really something magical. Narcissistic abuse support groups typically focus on connection, validation, and exploring those aforementioned shared experiences.  Individual therapy, on the other hand, allows for personalized, deeper trauma work (which you should not be doing in a support group). Individual therapy for narcissistic abuse recovery offers a space to explore your unique history, attachment patterns/traumas, and current circumstances under the guidance of a licensed professional. Instead of needing to share a space, the therapeutic one is your own. There may be themes or topics you don't feel comfortable discussing in a group space (like your sex life, past traumas, or specific instances of abuse). Discussion of these topics often feels more appropriate in a confidential space. Can a Support Group Help Me Let Go of My Narcissistic Ex? This is a common question, and it is normal to want answers and absolutes when things have felt so unsteady. While healing from narcissistic abuse isn’t quick work, support groups can absolutely help in that they provide both accountability and community. Trauma bonds can mimic addiction, and group support can be a lifeline during your hardest moments of withdrawal. When you feel the urge to reach back out or question whether it "was really that bad," hearing others share stories of similar struggles can ground you back in reality. The opposite of addiction is not just “sobriety”—it’s connection. Finding community and people who understand the emotional grip of narcissistic relationships can help loosen the hold a trauma bond has on your heart and mind. This is especially true when you feel like blaming yourself or romanticizing the past. This kind of community can offer accountability and perspective.  What to Look for in a Narcissistic Abuse Support Group in Chicago (In-Person or Online) Here are some things to consider when looking for a narcissistic abuse support group or group therapy for narcissistic abuse: Is it peer-led or facilitated by a licensed therapist? Who is the organizer? Are there clear boundaries and confidentiality policies? Do the group’s values align with your own healing goals? Not every group will be the right match for you Is it focused on narcissistic abuse in romantic or familial contexts? Is the group open to anyone, regardless of who the perpetrator was? Whether in-person in Chicago or virtual, a good support group should feel safe, structured, and inclusive.  Can’t Find a Good Fit? Why 1:1 Therapy Might Be a Better Option For Some If you’re not finding the kind of support group that feels right, individual therapy can be a powerful alternative (or adjunct option). Narcissistic abuse recovery therapy offers you a private space to explore your stories, rebuild self-trust, process betrayal trauma, and form a corrective relationship.  I work with survivors of narcissistic abuse, folks who have experienced betrayal trauma, and individuals struggling with attachment challenges. If you’re looking for a space to be seen, heard, understood, supported, and empowered, reach out anytime. Interested in Therapy Instead of a Group? I am a Narcissistic Abuse Therapist in Chicago. Reach out today to explore treatment options and to see if we'd be a great therapeutic match. You can read more here about how Two Lights Therapy Center works with survivors of narcissistic abuse:   https://www.twolightstherapy.com/ Virtual Narcissistic Abuse Recovery Sessions for survivors can be booked by emailing: hello@twolightstherapy.com  or by visiting:   https://www.twolightstherapy.com/contact   Two Lights Therapy Center | Chicago, Illinois. Narcissistic Abuse Therapy & Narcissistic Abuse Recovery Specialists Please Note: The information provided in these blog posts is for informational and educational purposes only. It is not intended to be a substitute for professional therapy or therapeutic services. While these blogs are written by licensed psychotherapists, readers should not use this content as a replacement for individualized advice or treatment. If you are experiencing a crisis or need immediate assistance, please call 911 or contact other emergency services in your area.

For a number of people, when the word “abuse” is uttered, their immediate thoughts are of something loud, violent, and obvious. Maybe when we think of narcissistic abuse, we are initially reminded of manipulation, gaslighting, and the emotional volatility that often accompanies narcissistic relationships. But for many survivors, some of the deepest wounds are the silent ones—the isolation, the self-hatred, the judgment, and the internal war between love and pain. The cognitive dissonance and these invisible struggles are often overlooked, leaving survivors feeling even more alone than ever before. When we don’t acknowledge some of these other infinitely complex experiences many have in narcissistic relationships, they become ever more taboo. Let’s talk about them today to hopefully decrease some of the stigma.  Narcissistic Abuse and Isolation: Why Survivors Feel So Alone Narcissistic individuals tend to isolate their targets (subtly or overtly) as a means of controlling them and the narrative. They may sow doubt about “toxic” friends or family who  CLEARLY want to sabotage “our special relationship”. They may also monopolize time and energy, punishing any attempt at independence or autonomy. Over time, survivors often begin to question their own instincts and their own ability to judge character. It is not uncommon to see survivors of abuse withdraw from those close to them, unsure of whom they can trust anymore.  But the isolation doesn’t end there. Even after opening up, many survivors find that their support systems don’t truly understand what they’ve been going through. Their friends and family members might question them in ways that evoke shame, or worse—they may even blame them for staying.  "Why Don’t You Just Leave?": When Empathy Turns Into Judgment One of the most painful experiences for survivors is being met with confusion or frustration upon their disclosure of the abuse. Well-meaning friends or family members may ask: “Oh my gosh! Why didn’t you just TELL me?,” or "Why didn’t you just leave?," or  “What are you DOING? You’re better than this!," or "Wait, you're STAYING with them???" ...without realizing how trauma bonds and fears of retaliation can keep someone trapped in an abusive relationship indefinitely. This lack of understanding can lead to further isolation. Feeling pressured, forced, or coerced (once again), survivors may decide it’s best to not disclose any more information or provide any updates. They’ll often retreat inward (both physically and emotionally), ashamed that they didn’t leave sooner, or ashamed that they still feel love for the person who hurts them. Still Loving Your Abuser: The Grief No One Talks About in Narcissistic Relationships Let's talk about it. It’s very possible to both deeply love someone and be deeply hurt by them again and again. If this sounds highly unusual to you, be glad you cannot understand and offer grace even when you do not relate. Many survivors grieve not just the relationship but the person they thought  their partner could be or would be. Narcissistic abuse often includes intermittent reinforcement (partial reward schedules)—periods of love, charm, and connection that keep survivors hooked and hopeful.  More specifically, many narcissistic partners do something called “future-faking”—making grand promises about marriage, children, or a beautiful shared future—to keep survivors emotionally invested, even when they typically have no real intention of following through. These push-pull dynamics create powerful psychological bonds that are as real as any physical trap or snare you can imagine. Survivors may feel ashamed of their lingering love, especially if others around them are aggressively urging them to move on. Healing doesn’t mean shutting off those feelings of love. It means learning to hold them with compassion (but not letting them hold you back) and honoring your experience without shame or self-judgment. Survivors Deserve Compassion—Not Silence or Judgment If you are trying to heal after or during narcissistic abuse, know this: your feelings are valid, and you have a right to support. If you’ve reached out for support before and were met with emotionally immature criticisms, recognize that their reaction is not about you. Frankly, many well-intentioned people are honestly very bad at offering the right support. (I often think about a meme where a girl said her mom’s go-to advice for any emotional challenges was just, “go outside and eat a banana.” It makes me laugh because it’s such a perfect example of someone wanting to help—but completely missing the mark.) The confusion, the grief, the isolation—it’s all real. You don’t have to justify your pain to anyone. At Two Lights Therapy Center PLLC , we specialize in narcissistic abuse therapy for survivors. We’re here to help if you haven’t yet been able to find safe support.  Learn about our narcissistic personality & narcissistic abuse therapy services: Want to get scheduled with a therapist who specializes in narcissism? Virtual Sessions for survivors can be scheduled by emailing: hello@twolightstherapy.com  or by visiting:   https://www.twolightstherapy.com/contact       Two Lights Therapy Center PLLC | Chicago, Illinois Narcissistic Abuse Recovery Therapist Please Note: The information provided in these blog posts is for informational and educational purposes only. It is not intended to be a substitute for professional therapy or therapeutic services. While these blogs are written by licensed psychotherapists, readers should not use this content as a replacement for individualized advice or treatment. If you are experiencing a crisis or need immediate assistance, please call 911 or contact other emergency services in your area.

The Importance of Using Strategic Language to Protect Your Credibility and Communicate Effectively in Court The temptation to describe your ex as a narcissist to drive home the severity of what you or your family have endured is completely understandable. Whether you’re navigating a high-conflict divorce, a custody battle, or some kind of nightmare contested will situation, you’re likely ripping your own hair out at this point, wanting to scream your truth from the rooftops. When you’ve been subjected to unbelievable levels of manipulation, gaslighting, or coercive control, the word narcissist  may feel like the only one that truly captures your pain and paints the right picture. However, in legal settings, the very language that feels validating and that you usually use to describe the narcissistic abuse can actually work against you. Let’s explore why it’s better to avoid using the term “narcissist” in court—and what you might want to say instead (but ask your lawyer first!). DISCLAIMER: THIS IS NOT LEGAL ADVICE. This post is NOT written by a lawyer—just a therapist who’s seen sh!t go sideways fast when certain words get tossed around in court. Always talk to your attorney before making any big legal moves. Seriously. :) Why Calling Your Ex (Or Anyone!) a “Narcissist” in Court Can Hurt Your Legal Case While your ex may display narcissistic traits or even meet criteria for narcissistic personality disorder, labeling them as a “narcissist” or “NPD” in court can come across as speculative or emotionally charged. Courts want facts, not diagnoses—especially from non-clinicians. Unless you are an expert witness, you are unlikely to benefit from using this kind of language. You don’t want to come across as “hysterical” —a loaded, outdated term/label that’s been weaponized against women for centuries to dismiss valid emotional responses. I hate even using the word in this blog, but unfortunately, the courtroom still isn’t always kind to people who show strong feelings, no matter how justified they may be. Instead of labeling or becoming dysregulated, describe the patterns of antagonistic relational behavior that have impacted your well-being, safety, relationship, or co-parenting dynamic. Use terms like: “coercive control” “intentional manipulation” “ongoing antagonistic relational stress” “frequent intimidation” For Example: Rather than saying: “He’s a narcissist who always blame-shifts, manipulates our child, and twists the truth!” You might say: “There’s a long-standing pattern of coercive control, where he distorts past events and pressures our child to be dishonest and hide communication from me.” This communicates the same issue, but in a way that courts take more seriously. Using Terms Like “Narcissistic Abuse“ Can Undermine Your Credibility in High-Conflict Cases The terms “narcissist” , "gaslighting", "trauma bond" , and “narcissistic abuse” have become so common in pop culture/pop psychology that courts may see them as a red flag for personal bias, not evidence. The unfortunate reality is that these words/terms have been diluted and watered down by the media. If you use the word casually or repeatedly, it can make you look vindictive, emotionally reactive, or even unwilling to co-parent appropriately/cooperatively. Even when your concerns are completely valid, your message can get lost (I know it sucks—I'm sorry!). Judges and legal professionals are more likely to listen if you present concrete, behavior-based examples using neutral, descriptive terms like: “chronic and constant disregard for parenting agreements” “pattern of emotional volatility and abusive behaviors” “intimidating communication style” “ongoing relational aggression” “persistent relational conflict and antagonism affecting our child” This shifts the focus away from blame and intention and toward the actual impact on you or your family. How to Talk About Narcissistic Behaviors Without Using THAT Word You can  still easily describe narcissistic dynamics using observable, provable behaviors and relational impact.  Instead of... Try saying... “She’s a narcissist who gaslights me constantly.” “There’s a repeated pattern of minimizing my concerns and denying events that I recall clearly.” “He’s emotionally abusive and selfish.” “He often uses threats and guilt to control parenting decisions, which creates a hostile environment for our child.” “They’re a narcissist and lie constantly.” “There’s ongoing relational stress due to frequent dishonesty and refusal to share accurate information with me or the court.” These phrases still capture the dysfunction and frustration, but in a way that the legal system can utilize, understand, and respect. A Gentle Reminder: Your Feelings Are 100% Valid Being told not to use the word “narcissist”  in court doesn’t invalidate your experience. It protects it. The goal is not to silence, tone-police, or moderate you, but to equip you with language that actually holds weight in the legal system. The words you choose in court can be a tool, not just for justice, but for reclaiming your own power. If you’ve been subjected to coercive control, chronic relational stressors, emotional abuse, and other forms of antagonism, you deserve support. Learn about our narcissistic personality & narcissistic abuse recovery services at Two Lights Therapy Center PLLC: https://www.twolightstherapy.com/ Want to book a session with a therapist who specializes in narcissistic abuse therapy? Virtual Sessions for survivors can be scheduled by emailing: hello@twolightstherapy.com  or by visiting:   https://www.twolightstherapy.com/contact     Two Lights Therapy Center PLLC | Chicago, Illinois Narcissistic Abuse Recovery Therapy & EMDR Trained Psychotherapist Please Note: The information provided in these blog posts is for informational and educational purposes only. It is not intended to be a substitute for professional therapy or therapeutic services. While these blogs are written by licensed psychotherapists, readers should not use this content as a replacement for individualized advice or treatment. If you are experiencing a crisis or need immediate assistance, please call 911 or contact other emergency services in your area.

If you've ever typed “what is narcissistic abuse syndrome” or “therapy for post-narcissist stress disorder” into Google, you may have struggled to find some solid resources or therapists treating these conditions.  Many people, especially folks healing from toxic, emotionally abusive relationships, use these phrases to make sense of their reality and experiences. Some individuals find labels to be validating and helpful. The reason you may struggle to find licensed therapists using these terms is because they are not officially recognized mental health disorders. While these terms aren’t official mental health diagnoses, they are often used to describe sets of symptoms that are seemingly unique to narcissistic abuse survivors. I hope the community gets its own, official term one day! What Is Narcissistic Abuse Syndrome—and Why Isn’t It in the DSM? Is Post-Narcissist Stress Disorder Real? “Narcissistic Abuse Syndrome” and “Post-Narcissist Stress Disorder” are not formal diagnoses in the DSM-5 or ICD-11 (manuals used by mental health professionals). You won’t find them in clinical textbooks, and your insurance certainly won’t recognize or reimburse your treatment if you attempt to use these terms as evidence (BOooooOOOOoooo!). That said, you will see these terms mentioned all over survivor communities and social media. Some larger mental health tech platforms (you know who...they love sending cease & desists) also inappropriately use them for marketing purposes, treating them as diagnoses. Again, these terms were created to describe the unique and devastating psychological effects of antagonistic relational stressors like prolonged manipulation, gaslighting, and coercive control by someone with narcissistic traits or narcissistic personality disorder (NPD). People who resonate with these labels often experience: Cognitive Dissonance Self-Doubt, Confusion, & Brain Fog Hypervigilance Challenges with Identity Significant Levels of Shame Trauma-Bonding Challenges  Perceived Personality Changes While these labels don’t fit neatly into one diagnosis, they often overlap with things like PTSD, anxiety, depression, or dissociative disorders. Some research has suggested that the effects of narcissistic abuse are actually quite different when compared to something like an anxiety disorder or depression (my experiences as a therapist would support this hypothesis).  Because of this, it makes sense that people would be itching for a new term or label. Therapy for Post-Narcissist Stress Disorder: What You Actually Need Whether you call it narcissistic abuse syndrome or something else entirely, what you’re experiencing is real, and it requires a trauma-informed therapy approach. If it’s easiest for you to describe your experience using these terms, that is totally fine (as long as you understand the unfortunate lack of clinical support so you don’t try to use them in court or with your insurance company).  Relational trauma deeply affects your limbic system and your sense of self/identity. Feeling safe and vulnerable around others can feel impossible after narcissistic abuse. Therapy that focuses on relational safety, attachment trauma, and trauma-focused modalities like EMDR can be incredibly healing. You don’t need a formal diagnosis to justify getting help. The right therapy honors your experience, even if it doesn’t fit a label. Another Reminder—"Narcissistic Abuse Syndrome" isn't a diagnosis because your reaction to emotional abuse isn't pathological. It's understandable, reasonable, realistic, and adaptive. So, part of why you don't see terms like these more often is because being hurt, upset, and shaken by abuse isn't a mental illness—it's a healthy response to horrifying treatment. These understandable reactions are often misunderstood or seen as excessive or "hysterical" (ugh, hate that word). It should be noted that labelling survivors CAN lead to further stigmatization. Just something to think about! Why These Terms Matter—Even If They Aren’t “Real Diagnoses” So, I'll say it one more time for the people in the back: Are narcissistic abuse syndrome and post-narcissist stress disorder real? Clinically—no. Emotionally and psychologically—ABSOLUTELY. These labels emerged because people needed (and valued) language for an experience that felt invisible, watered-down, and misunderstood. They offer validation, community, and a way to name the pain. And sometimes, we need that. If you’re struggling with symptoms of narcissistic abuse, therapy can help you rebuild trust and help you stop blaming yourself for what someone else did. Support is available, and you deserve it. Looking for Therapy For Post-Narcissist Stress Disorder in Chicago or Illinois? I specialize in helping clients recover from narcissistic abuse at Two Lights Therapy Center (virtually): https://www.twolightstherapy.com/ Virtual Sessions can be scheduled by emailing: hello@twolightstherapy.com  or by visiting:   https://www.twolightstherapy.com/contact   Two Lights Therapy Center PLLC | Chicago, Illinois Therapists Narcissism Specialists & EMDR Therapy for Narcissistic Abuse Recovery Please Note: The information provided in these blog posts is for informational and educational purposes only. It is not intended to be a substitute for professional therapy or therapeutic services. While these blogs are written by licensed psychotherapists, readers should not use this content as a replacement for individualized advice or treatment. If you are experiencing a crisis or need immediate assistance, please call 911 or contact other emergency services in your area.