Why Couples Therapy With a Dismissive Avoidant Partner Can Backfire | Chicago Attachment Specialist Explains

When it feels like your relationship with a dismissive avoidant partner is failing, couples therapy might seem like the obvious next step. It can only really help, right? Well, not exactly. It can actually be a bad idea (shocking, right?). I see this mistake made time and time again, and it’s a shame more couples therapists don’t catch it before things start to go south. If your partner has a dismissive avoidant attachment style, rushing into joint sessions isn’t always the most effective place to start, and can sometimes make things worse. Let’s explore why this is. It's not your fault that you didn't know!

Why Dismissive Avoidants Shut Down in Couples Work

Dismissive avoidant partners learned in childhood that expressing emotions isn’t safe, welcome, or even really acceptable, and their brains are designed to avoid overwhelming emotional displays (both their own & those of others). Because these neural pathways are so deeply paved, in couples therapy (where feelings run high and topics move quickly), they often unconsciously hit their system’s brakes. In a session, you may notice your dismissive avoidant partner becoming numb and distant (freeze) or getting irritated and wanting to leave (fight/flee). This is often an automatic response that has little to do with a lack of love, though it can feel that way.

Meanwhile, the therapist and the non-dismissive avoidant partner are usually faster emotional processors. This mismatch can leave the DA partner feeling “defective,” reinforcing the very shame and fear of rejection they already carry. Any perceived (real or imaginary) “two against one” vibes can cause a dismissive avoidant to associate therapy with confrontation. This is why individual therapy for both partners is often a better option to explore first. 

The Benefits of Starting With Individual Therapy

Before jumping into couples sessions, many DA partners (and their partners) benefit from working one-on-one with a specialized therapist. Individual therapy can offer:

• Safety, privacy, & space to unpack fears without feeling exposed or judged.

  
  

• A slower, tolerable pace so that avoidants can gradually build an emotional vocabulary & capacity for vulnerability 

  
  

• Practice with vulnerability & learning how to share/hear deep feelings without fully shutting down, getting annoyed, or lashing out.

  
  

This solid foundation helps many dismissive avoidant individuals feel less threatened in future couples sessions, and makes the work far more productive for all involved. Couples therapy can be a powerful tool and experience, but timing and pacing really do matter.

Want Couples Therapy with a Dismissive Avoidant?

Need help finding the right therapist for couples therapy? Looking for therapy to address your own attachment style & to help you move towards a secure attachment style? Reach out to Two Light’s Therapy Center to explore treatment options or for a referral to another trusted practice. Two Lights Therapy Center specializes in couples therapy for attachment style-related challenges and also offers individual therapy to help clients reach secure attachment.

Read more about how Two Lights Therapy Center approaches treatment:  https://www.twolightstherapy.com/

https://www.twolightstherapy.com/attachment https://www.twolightstherapy.com/couples-therapy-for-attachment-styles

Want to work with an attachment specialist for therapy? Virtual Sessions with Erika can be booked by emailing: hello@twolightstherapy.com or by visiting: https://www.twolightstherapy.com/contact 

---

Two Lights Therapy Center PLLC | Chicago, Illinois.

Narcissism & Attachment Style Therapist

Please Note: The information provided in these blog posts is for informational and educational purposes only. It is not intended to be a substitute for professional therapy or therapeutic services. While these blogs are written by licensed psychotherapists, readers should not use this content as a replacement for individualized advice or treatment. If you are experiencing a crisis or need immediate assistance, please call 911 or contact other emergency services in your area.