Narcissistic dynamics don’t exist in a vacuum. They’re deeply intertwined with attachment wiring, nervous system regulation, and early relational experiences. Understanding your attachment style (and the attachment tendencies of those around you) gives you the roadmap that you require to begin healing.
Because the answer to most of your questions—why certain relationships feel impossible to walk away from, why patterns repeat no matter how much insight you gain, why some people pull you in like a magnet while others leave you feeling very little—lies within the gold mine that is attachment research and data.
SECURE
ATTACHMENT
People with a secure attachment style feel comfortable with both closeness & independence, allowing them to form strong, balanced relationships. They typically regulate their quite emotions well, handle conflict with resilience, & communicate their needs directly & effectively. With a positive view of both themselves & others, they read positive intent while also setting boundaries. Secure individuals naturally attract & are drawn to healthy, reciprocal connections.
ANXIOUS-PREOCCUPIED
ATTACHMENT
People with anxious preoccupied attachment crave closeness but fear abandonment & rejection, often seeking reassurance & overanalyzing small changes in behavior. To maintain connection, they often people-please or suppress their own needs, believing they must work to earn love. This style is also most likely to force coercive co-regulation. Often drawn to avoidant partners, hot & cold dynamics can feel addictive, reinforcing cycles of insecurity.
FEARFUL-AVOIDANT
ATTACHMENT
Though the rarest attachment style, one must understand that this style is an extensive spectrum in & of itself. Fluctuating between anxious & avoidant behaviors, people with fearful avoidant (disorganized) attachment crave deep connection while simultaneously fearing it. Struggling with trust due to deep betrayal wounds, they will often resist fully relying on others. With highly reactive nervous systems & incredibly fast emotional processing speeds, FA's look at everything “under a microscope”.
DISMISSIVE-AVOIDANT
ATTACHMENT
People with dismissive avoidant attachment are highly self-sufficient & view emotions as a sign of weakness, avoiding reliance on others. They suppress & dismiss feelings, often shutting down (deactivating) in conflict or moments of intimacy. Relationships (unconsciously) feel like a threat to their nervous system & autonomy, leading them to push partners away as things progress. To maintain control, they avoid vulnerability, often engaging in only casual connections & limiting themselves.
Understanding your attachment style & working toward secure attachment is one of the most powerful ways to protect yourself from narcissistic people, trauma bonds, and gaslighting. When you develop a secure sense of self, emotional regulation, & healthy relationship expectations, you become far less susceptible. Instead of mistaking inconsistency for mystery, you recognize the red flags.
Secure attachment helps you trust your own instincts, set boundaries without fear of abandonment, and choose partners who offer genuine intimacy rather than conditional validation. The more secure you become, the less appealing chaotic relationships feel—because real connection isn’t about proving your worth, it’s about being met with love and consistency.
TWO LIGHTS THERAPY CENTER | CHICAGO, IL
Goals in therapy
Anxious Preoccupied
- Build self-worth independent of relationships
- Learn to self-soothe & regulate your own emotions
- Reduce dependency on others & external validation
- Reduce unintentional coercion & excessive co-regulation
- Develop confidence in setting boundaries
Goals in therapy
Fearful Avoidant
- Address underlying trauma and relational wounds
- Develop trust in safe, reciprocal relationships
- Balance the desire for closeness with the fear of vulnerability
- Regulate emotional reactivity and nervous system responses
Goals in therapy
Dismissive Avoidant
- Increase emotional awareness and expression
- Develop comfort with intimacy and reliance on others
- Challenge the belief that emotions are a weakness
- Foster deeper, more meaningful connections
Earning your attachment security is hard work, but it will be worth it.
NO MATTER THE ATTACHMENT STYLE
AT THE CORE
LET'S GET STARTED
Healing begins when you feel safe enough to show up as you are and trust that you'll be met there.
That’s why therapy starts with building a strong, therapeutic relationship. It’s not just about gaining insight or finding a quick fix—it’s about experiencing a secure, corrective connection in real-time.