When Avoidant Styles Collide
Learn the basics of each attachment style before reading: https://www.twolightstherapy.com/attachment ! When a romantic dynamic begins between a Dismissive Avoidant (DA) and a Fearful Avoidant (FA), a predictable cycle begins to play out. While both attachment styles deeply desire connection, their attachment needs clash in a way that creates a painful dance & push-pull dynamic. When one partner unconsciously begins shutting down to preserve their own peace (& regulate their nervous system), the other panics, becoming increasingly compelled to find ways to feel more seen, heard, and understood (which would help regulate THEIR nervous system). Today, we will explore these core needs and the wounds of each partner and why these relationships can be nearly impossible to maintain without deep psychoeducation or professional help. Whether you’re familiar with attachment theory or just curious about avoidant behaviors, read on to understand why the DA-FA cycle is so challenging.
The Dismissive Avoidant’s Deep Need for Peace and Harmony
A dismissive-avoidant partner values peace, harmony, and independence above ALL ELSE. DAs are extremely conflict-averse, and they will do almost anything to avoid drama, criticism, and confrontation. This includes more extreme actions as well, such as ghosting, lying, and blame-shifting. When tensions rise in the relationship or when the FA wants to share their feelings, discuss the relationship, or explore the future, the DA’s instinct is to retreat or shut down immediately rather than engage. They often withdraw to escape “arguments” (perceived criticism) and stressful emotions, their deactivating thoughts driving them far away from their partner. The DA’s desire to keep the relationship easy and surface-level isn’t because they don’t care; it’s because conflict triggers their deepest insecurities. Many (most) DAs grew up without the appropriate emotional attunement from their caregivers and were often criticized or emotionally neglected, leaving them with a core “defectiveness” wound. At their core, DA’s believe they are not good enough, some even believing others will find out how “worthless” or “incompetent” they really are in love and in life (distorted thinking).
When a DA senses their FA partner is unhappy with them, it activates this wound, immediately creating deep feelings of shame and even anger. Rather than face their feelings, the dismissive avoidant partner copes by creating space, including (but not limited to) emotional distance. In short, the DA craves a peaceful relationship where they never have to feel inadequate or criticized ever again (as they were in childhood). Frankly, their desire is unrealistic, as ANY criticism (even constructive) or neediness from a partner will typically send them running for the hills. As you can imagine, these unreasonable expectations often leave the DA with failed relationship after failed relationship, or they end up settling to avoid seeming defective, but must then fight back resentment every day for the rest of their marriage. It is not uncommon for avoidants to end up committing to someone they don’t truly love, as real, deep emotions feel very uncomfortable to them long-term.
The Fearful Avoidant’s Need to Be Seen, Heard, and Understood
In contrast, a fearful-avoidant partner’s biggest need in life and in love is to be truly & deeply seen, heard, and understood. Ouch. Fearful avoidant attachment is one of the rarest attachment styles, but they are some of the deepest feelers and fastest emotional processors. While it is a vast FA spectrum, to keep things simple, think of FA’s as a mix of dismissive avoidant and anxious preoccupied attachment styles. Depending on the nature of a stimulus, FA’s can lean anxious or avoidant at any given moment.
Because of this, FA’s experience extreme inner turmoil – they desperately want closeness and validation, yet they also deeply fear it. This attachment style (sometimes called disorganized attachment or anxious avoidant) usually comes from early trauma or inconsistent caregiving (marked by a lack of appropriate emotional attunement). FA’s learned to associate love with uncertainty, chaos, & even intermittent pain. As adults, they crave the deepest connections but are also constantly on guard for dishonesty or betrayal.
At their core, fearful avoidants carry a deep wound of betrayal. Their pervasive fear, that their heart will be broken if they offer their full trust, often leaves them paranoid and their actions unpredictable (even erratic). In childhood, they were likely deeply (& repeatedly) hurt by someone they trusted (most likely a guardian figure), so now they are hypervigilant for any sign of deceit. They are good at this, examining everything under a microscope with a thick, negative lens. In the FA’s mind, it’s not “if” but “when” they will be betrayed. They hold the pervasive core belief “I WILL be betrayed or abandoned.” This is actually an adaptive belief that kept them safe in childhood, but it causes them excess anxiety when attempting to nurture new connections in adulthood. The FA’s pain is primal: when their betrayal schema is activated, they might feel intense panic, anxiety, rage, and despair as if reliving all past “abandonments” at once.
The FA can seem to switch personalities: one moment they’re warm & profoundly loving, and the next they’re defensive, anxious, suspicious, or cold. FA’s often need reassurance that their partner truly sees them, understands them, and loves them for who they are. Feeling ignored or misunderstood will trigger the FA’s fear of betrayal and abandonment. In response, we might see protest behaviors (anger, silence, criticism) or the stereotypical anxious preoccupied attachment style behaviors, depending on which way their nervous system chooses to learn (anxious or avoidant). Anxious preoccupied behaviors include excessive reassurance-seeking, over-communicating needs for closeness, and even coercive co-regulation.
While FA’s are less likely to engage in coercive co-regulation attempts, they need emotional presence from their partner. They need to feel that their thoughts, ideas, fears, and feelings matter. Otherwise, they will sometimes cling too tightly to a certain outcome or suddenly withdraw, unsure whether to pursue love or protect themselves.
Conflicting Needs and the Push-Pull Dynamic
You can see why these two attachment styles together might have some challenges. 🫠 It’s no surprise that the DA and FA create a volatile push-pull cycle as their core needs are directly at odds. The DA withdraws to regulate their nervous systems, while the FA pursues (or pushes) for answers & validation. This often becomes a painful dance with one partner chasing and the other withdrawing.
When an FA feels their needs aren’t being met, they will likely begin to work harder for closeness. They might raise concerns, seek reassurance, or express frustration about feeling unheard. In their eyes, this is an attempt to bridge the gap, but the dismissive avoidant experiences this as an ambush, full of conflict or criticism, which then threatens their need for harmony. The more the FA approaches with emotion, the more the DA’s defectiveness wound begins to sting (“I can’t do anything right”, “I’m a bad partner”), and the DA responds by shutting down or pulling away even further.
The DA’s retreat triggers that aforementioned betrayal wound in the FA. The fearful avoidant partner, sensing this distancing, feels abandoned and betrayed (“I knew I’d be left once I opened up!”). In pain and panic, the FA may lash out or become highly emotional, which only convinces the DA that peace is gone. In conflict, a DA is not just hearing an upset partner – they are feeling a lifetime of inadequacy. This reinforces their choice to distance and disconnect.
This cycle can repeat endlessly. Ironically, both partners actually hurt for the same reason: each is afraid of not being good enough or of being hurt/abandoned by the other. Yet their coping strategies are so opposite that neither will have their needs met by the other. The result is a relationship that swings between intense closeness and heartbreaking distance, often in rapid succession. Over time, both individuals feel exhausted, wounded, and confused. The FA feels unseen and betrayed, while the DA feels inadequate and overwhelmed. Without intervention, this looping dynamic tends to worsen with each conflict, as trust erodes and resentments build. Understanding the core wounds is key to breaking these patterns because it shifts the focus from blaming to empathizing.
Why the DA-FA Relationship Rarely Works Without Help
Given how entrenched these needs and wounds are, it’s almost impossible for a DA-FA relationship to thrive without conscious effort or professional intervention. Both partners are essentially fighting their own childhood ghosts (as well as each other). In time, the cycle of pursuit and withdrawal will become more extreme and even toxic. These relationships can very easily be mistaken for ones where narcissistic abuse is at play. In many cases, the relationship will end painfully unless changes are made.
A skilled therapist or relationship coach can help the dismissive avoidant learn to gradually face vulnerability and discomfort. Likewise, the fearful avoidant can learn to self-soothe and limit their time putting their partner under a microscope. If one or both partners refuse to acknowledge the issues or get help, the unhealthy pattern will not cease with just time. Unfortunately, dismissive avoidants are notorious for avoiding therapy since it involves emotional exploration and exposure. To be fair, the wrong therapy CAN actually worsen the DA’s habits.
Without the appropriate interventions, the DA-FA pair often reaches a breaking point where the FA feels too hurt to continue or the DA feels too emotionally flooded, incapable, or incompetent to cope, and they part ways. In some cases, the relationship limps along in chronic dissatisfaction, leaving both parties suffering. Healthy resolution requires interrupting the cycles mentioned above, healing the wounds beneath them, and developing new communication habits – all of which are far more attainable with attachment theory informed, professional help.
If you find yourself in this dynamic, know that you’re not alone and it’s not totally hopeless – but it won’t fix itself without effort from both parties. In the end, a DA-FA relationship can become stable and supportive, but it takes two self-aware partners and often a lot of work. Remember, love shouldn’t be a painful, repetitive cycle. Change is possible, and everyone deserves a relationship where both people feel loved, seen, safe, and understood. Secure attachment is possible.
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