Do Attachment Styles Still Matter? Yes. And Here's Why.
In recent clinical conversations, a new narrative has emerged: “Attachment styles oversimplify things.” “Attachment language is overused, diluted down, and used as an excuse by clients.” “Attachment labels can limit clients.” “We shouldn’t utilize attachment style categories to explain behaviors to clients.” At Two Lights Therapy Center in Chicago, we respectfully disagree.
Attachment language, when used wisely, does not limit people. In actuality, it helps people organize experiences and empowers them to make actionable change. For many clients, learning about their attachment patterns is the first time their emotional world actually makes sense. Rather than pathologizing or reducing complexity, attachment styles offer a gentle and accessible starting point for self-understanding.
Accessibility matters. Insight matters. Language for your inner world matters. Policing language or taking it away from clients doesn’t protect them. It disempowers them. People don’t need graduate-level psychology training to benefit from attachment concepts. For those recovering from relational trauma or narcissistic abuse, clarity is not a luxury. It is, in fact, often a lifeline.
Attachment Styles Aren’t Diagnoses or Boxes. They’re Blueprints.
Attachment styles are often misunderstood as rigid categories or personality labels. In reality, they represent adaptations and behavioral patterns formed through early relational experiences.
Attachment styles are:
Descriptive, not defining
Somewhat fluid and not completely fixed
Context-dependent and relationally shaped
Invitations for curiosity, not any kind of constraint
No clinician should be telling a client who they are exactly, but many clients benefit profoundly from understanding why they respond the way they do (and learning that those responses developed for a reason). Self-awareness is not pathology. It’s permission.
At Two Lights, we remind clients:
Attachment patterns are adaptations, not flaws
These adaptations formed to protect you
They live in the nervous system and not just in the mind
They can change through hard work, safety, and attuned connection
You are not “an anxious person” or “an avoidant person.” You are a human being who had to adapt to your early environment.
The Issue Isn’t the Framework. It’s the Framing.
When attachment styles are misused or misrepresented ("I'm anxious, so I'm broken" or "avoidants are mean and just don’t care"), the problem is not attachment theory but the oversimplified teachings or pop psychology hot takes online. Rather than abandoning helpful language, we can elevate it, reminding clients that attachment styles offer a starting point, not the whole story. They create shared language for relational patterns and help clients feel seen rather than blamed. Another important thing to consider is that attachment patterns guide treatment, not identity. Our role as clinicians is not to remove frameworks but to deepen them with nuance and expert clinical care.
Attachment Patterns Live in the Nervous System
Attachment is not simply a cognitive narrative. It is somatic, relational, and deeply driven into the nervous system. This is why insight alone rarely shifts patterns. Change requires safety, connection, capacity building, and experiential processing. At Two Lights Therapy Center, we integrate trauma-informed relational therapy with Somatic and attachment-focused EMDR ( S.A.F.E. EMDR). This work goes beyond just identifying patterns and helps clients repattern and reshape their systems in order to move toward secure attachment.
Where Somatics & Attachment Meet: S.A.F.E. EMDR
Healing isn't always possible if we stay in the cognitive layers alone. Attachment wounds live in the body, so attachment healing must involve the body! That’s why our practice offers somatic and attachment-focused EMDR (S.A.F.E. EMDR). This is a trauma-informed approach that integrates attachment theory, attuned relational therapy, trauma processing, and other bottom-up processes, like parts work (not just insight). Clients don’t just learn to understand their attachment patterns in this space. They learn to rewire them. We’re not just identifying anxious or avoidant patterns. We’re helping clients build earned secure attachment from the foundation up, identifying the root and addressing early traumatic experiences.
When Attachment Language Heals
Our clients often share sentiments like:
“I finally feel like my experiences make sense.”
“Now I see why I react the way I do.”
“I used to blame myself...but now I see the pattern.”
"For the first time in my life, I understand my impulsive reactions."
"I feel less alone in my pain, and much more hopeful."
This is the power of research-supported psychological language in the hands of the people who need it most. Dismissing attachment styles because they’re “popular” right now ignores the reality that many survivors of relational trauma were never given language for what they lived through. Naming a pattern is the first step to changing it. Healing begins when your experience has language. Naming a pattern isn’t limiting. It’s liberating.
Attachment theory becomes unhelpful only when misapplied:
As identity rather than adaptation
As destiny rather than a shapeable experience
As self-criticism instead of understanding
Attachment work must honor complexity. Our goal is to help you expand capacity for connection, safety, and trust.
Earned Secure Attachment Is Possible
Healing attachment patterns is not about “fixing” yourself. It is about cultivating:
Emotional regulation
Capacity for intimacy and boundaries
Trust in your internal world and relational world
A nervous system that experiences connection and closeness as safety
After corrective experiences with attunement, somatic work, and relational repair, many of our clients move much more easily toward earned secure attachment.
Beginning This Work
If you are navigating anxious, avoidant, or disorganized attachment patterns or seeking deeper relational clarity, we are here to help. With the right support, attachment patterns can soften, expand, and transform before your very eyes. When you are ready, we are here to help.
Looking for therapy to address your attachment trauma and attachment style? Read more about how Two Lights Therapy Center approaches attachment trauma treatment: https://www.twolightstherapy.com/
Want to work with an attachment specialist for therapy? Virtual Sessions with Erika can be booked by emailing: hello@twolightstherapy.com or by visiting: https://www.twolightstherapy.com/contact
Two Lights Therapy Center PLLC | Chicago, Illinois.
Narcissism & Attachment Style Therapist
Please Note: The information provided in these blog posts is for informational and educational purposes only. It is not intended to be a substitute for professional therapy or therapeutic services. While these blogs are written by licensed psychotherapists, readers should not use this content as a replacement for individualized advice or treatment. If you are experiencing a crisis or need immediate assistance, please call 911 or contact other emergency services in your area.
