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Narcissistic Abuse and Partial Reward Schedules | It’s Dopamine, Not Destiny

Barefoot woman on tiptoes facing a man, sunset behind them, grassy field and river in background. Warm, romantic mood abounds.

Why Toxic “Love” Can Feel Like Fate


Let's talk about narcissistic abuse and partial reward schedules. As a therapist who specializes in narcissism and narcissistic abuse, a phenomenon I hear about frequently is the inability of clients to find the right support because they feel they can’t be honest with their support system. And the reason they feel they can’t be honest? Well…their abuser still feels like their soulmate. The shame brought on by this reality can feel all-consuming, and when they have shared this with one or more trusted confidants, they’ve been met with judgment and more confusion.


Feeling like the narcissist is your soulmate or that the universe must have deeper plans for you as a couple is not uncommon. Many survivors of narcissistic abuse describe their partner as feeling like their “soulmate” or “twinflame.” The intensity, the highs and lows, and the difficulty leaving once and for all can feel almost…supernatural. But some basic neuroscience can offer us an explanation: trauma bonds, partial reward schedules, and dopamine-driven learning loops.


These connections can feel less like a choice and more like a compulsion. What feels like destiny is actually just a conditioned response in the brain, and it’s not as complex as it feels. It’s normal to feel both relieved and a bit hurt when learning about these concepts. Becoming more educated on this topic can change your life for the better. Still, it can also feel like it shatters your reality/any lingering illusions, so take care of yourself during and after reading this blog. 



Partial Reward Schedules and Reinforcement Learning


A partial reward schedule (also called an intermittent reinforcement schedule) is a type of learning pattern (think of it like a phenomenon or experience) where a behavior is reinforced only some of the time. In other words, a “reward” doesn’t show up predictably and is occasional, irregular, and often uncertain. With continuous reinforcement (consistent rewards for a behavior), the brain learns quickly but also loses interest quickly once the reward stops. With partial reinforcement (on a partial reward schedule), the brain learns more slowly, but the behavior becomes much harder to stop or extinguish, because you never know when the next reward will arrive.


For example, this is why slot machines are so incredibly addictive. The brain keeps firing off hits of dopamine in anticipation of the potential reward (fingers crossed). It’s also why inconsistent affection in a narcissistic relationship can feel so all-consuming. In narcissistic abuse, the “jackpot” is those rare bursts of love, intimate sex, attention, or tenderness. The “loss” is criticism, neglect, or dismissive displays. Because the rewards are unpredictable, the brain learns to keep trying (to be chosen), creating a powerful attachment and often devastating outcomes for someone who is trying to break away (or at least knows deep down they should).


Another example would be something like going outside with your friends to see if the ice cream man was around. Do you remember being a kid and hearing that ice cream truck coming? It wasn't often, but when you did hear that tune in the distance, it was extremely exciting. You never knew if or when it would show up, but when you finally saw that truck coming...THE THRILL WAS REAL. Now, if the ice cream man came by every night at 5 pm, that would have been cool...but it wouldn't have been quite as intense an experience given the predictability. The unpredictability is what made it so powerful.



Dopamine: Much More Than the “Pleasure Neurotransmitter”


Dopamine is often misunderstood as a “feel-good chemical.” In reality, dopamine’s core function is to signal salience, motivation, and prediction error. I personally describe dopamine as the “motivation neurotransmitter” because I think it’s the most accurate descriptor. Prediction error means dopamine neurons fire most strongly when an outcome is even better than expected (or predicted). Intermittent affection creates repeated positive prediction errors, which strengthen the motivation to pursue the love of your abuser. Rather than creating lasting happiness however, dopamine just pushes you to keep seeking, checking, and hoping. This is why inconsistent love feels so much more intense than steady, consistent attention. Your dopamine system is trained to chase uncertainty. Ugh.



The Stress-Relief Cycle and Cortisol


The loop is further reinforced by some stress physiology. When you’re devalued, ignored, gaslit, or stonewalled, your body floods with cortisol and adrenaline, preparing for a perceived threat (often the threat of abandonment). When the narcissist finally shifts back to offering affection, you experience profound relief. That relief isn’t neutral, unfortunately, and it gets encoded in your memory as a powerful reward. Over time, your brain begins to equate the abuser with both the pain and the soothing. This dual encoding strengthens what’s often called a trauma bond. I’m sure you’ve heard of those…



The Illusion of Destiny Within Narcissistic Abuse and Partial Reward Schedules


From the inside, this neurochemical con-job can feel like a true soulmate connection that no one seems to understand. The highs are intoxicating, the lows are unbearable, and the cycle wires itself deep into memory and motivation circuits. You may wonder if it’s just that other people have never experienced this kind of love. Maybe it’s special…maybe it’s fate. But this isn’t fate. It’s conditioning. Dopamine keeps you chasing the next unpredictable reward. Cortisol and relief intensify the emotional, dopaminergic imprinting. Synaptic plasticity means each cycle strengthens the bond. The “destiny” you feel is really your brain adapting to inconsistency and the creation of the meaning-making we utilize to cope.



Why Trauma Bonds Are Not Permanent


The same neuroplasticity that wired you into this cycle can help you rewire out of it. Recovery involves:


  • Creating environments of consistent safety and exploring corrective intimate/platonic relationships (so your nervous system learns to trust steadiness).


  • Using bottom-up therapies like EMDR or somatic work to update memory-emotion associations and core beliefs.


  • Building secure attachment patterns that make safety feel natural rather than boring.


  • Embracing consistency over chaos (this is way more difficult than most people realize)!


When love feels addictive, it’s easy to believe it must be destiny. I get it. Why else would you feel this way? Of course, as we’ve discussed here today, the neuroscience tells a different story. That soulmate illusion is just a creation designed by dopamine-driven reinforcement learning and stress-relief cycles, not fate. It’s dopamine, not destiny. GOOD NEWS. That means the cycle can be broken...


...Ready to Break The Trauma Bond? Join Me For Narcissistic Abuse Therapy in Chicago, IL


I offer virtual treatment for narcissism, narcissistic abuse, attachment trauma, couples challenges, and family conflict. Reach out when you're feeling ready to explore these patterns more deeply.


Virtual Narcissistic Abuse Recovery Therapy, EMDR for Narcissistic Abuse, Couples Therapy, Family Therapy & More in Chicago, Illinois


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Two Lights Therapy Center PLLC | Chicago, Illinois.

Narcissistic Abuse Recovery Therapy & Narcissistic Personality Treatment


Please Note: The information provided in these blog posts is for informational and educational purposes only. It is not intended to be a substitute for professional therapy or therapeutic services. While licensed psychotherapists write these blogs, readers should not use this content as a replacement for individualized advice or treatment. If you are experiencing a crisis or need immediate assistance, please call 911 or contact other emergency services in your area. 

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