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"Am I Too Much?" | Why You Feel Shame & A Need To Shrink Even During Narcissistic Abuse Recovery

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"Am I Too Much?": The Question That So Many Have After Narcissistic Abuse


When we're experiencing narcissistic abuse, it feels safer to shrink. After all, you were likely accused of being too needy, too emotional, too intense, and too sensitive, right? I often tell my clients that I think many of us knew the relationship needed to end when we realized how quiet we had become. There is a day in every narcissistic relationship when you suddenly realize how unlike yourself you now seem. And that can be incredibly scary and devastating.


While turning inward and staying small may have felt like self-preservation, it came at a cost: your voice, your spunk, your brightness, your sense of aliveness, your very identity. You became careful. Cautious. You stopped bringing your full self to the relationship and to the world around you.


This doesn't happen because you lack strength, but because many of your strengths may have been mischaracterized as flaws. That realization can be heartbreaking, but it is also empowering. It means the part of you that shrank didn’t disappear. It only just went quiet to survive. Healing is about coming home to yourself and giving the many wonderful parts of yourself permission to return as well.



Why Narcissistic Abuse Makes You Feel Like You're "Too Much"


People with narcissistic traits often react to your needs and moments of vulnerability with defensiveness, dismissiveness, accusations, or even retaliation. When you're accused of being needy or unreasonable, it can feel like accepting this as truth is the quickest path towards finding control (in a relationship that feels like it's spinning out)!


Narcissistic folks don't react this way because you're actually too much, but instead, because your emotions threaten their sense of control or make them confront parts of themselves they can't handle/that feel shameful. The problem is that, over time, this chips away at your sense of identity and self-trust. You begin to believe that love requires shrinking and changing (and that your authenticity is often a liability). At that point, sometimes safety becomes closely tied to self-abandonment in your own mind. What you need to remember is this: your capacity to feel deeply, to love, and to express yourself is a strength. It just wasn’t safe to show it in that environment, and someone who abuses you doesn't deserve your presence.



Therapy for Narcissistic Abuse Recovery Can Help You Reclaim Your Identity & Break The Trauma Bond


Healing from narcissistic abuse and attachment trauma begins when we find ways to unlearn the core beliefs that lead us to think our emotions are inconvenient or unwelcome. In the specialized therapy that I offer, we work to:


  • Stabilize, regulate, and rewire the nervous system


  • Uncover the attachment learnings that made self-shrinking feel like survival


  • Identify how past relationships have taught you to disconnect from your own needs and desires


  • Explore the best ways to feel safe taking up emotional and relational space again


We don’t ever need to become "less." We just need to become more ourselves again. You don’t have to keep editing, adjusting, or expanding yourself to be lovable or worthy. In narcissistic abuse recovery, we work toward the belief that: "The right people won’t find me too much. They’ll find me inspiring, honest, brave, and authentically amazing. You deserve relationships where your depth is welcomed and never, ever rejected. Your tears were never too loud, your joy was never too overwhelming, and your boundaries were never too dramatic/unreasonable. You deserve to be fully known, fully seen, fully heard, fully understood, and fully loved. And what you don't deserve is being with someone who doesn't deserve you.



Ready to Take Up Space Again? Join Me For Narcissistic Abuse Therapy in Chicago, IL


I offer virtual treatment for narcissism, narcissistic abuse, attachment trauma, couples challenges, and family conflict. Reach out when you're feeling ready to reclaim your full emotional range and stop shrinking to fit a mold that was never meant for you.


Virtual Narcissistic Abuse Recovery Therapy, EMDR for Narcissistic Abuse, Couples Therapy, Family Therapy & More in Chicago, Illinois


If you’re looking for therapeutic support, learn more about my Narcissistic Abuse Recovery services:






 

Explore my website to see all treatment options.


Two Lights Therapy Center PLLC | Chicago, Illinois.

Narcissistic Abuse Recovery Therapy & Narcissistic Personality Treatment


Please Note: The information provided in these blog posts is for informational and educational purposes only. It is not intended to be a substitute for professional therapy or therapeutic services. While licensed psychotherapists write these blogs, readers should not use this content as a replacement for individualized advice or treatment. If you are experiencing a crisis or need immediate assistance, please call 911 or contact other emergency services in your area. 

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