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Narcissist or Fearful-Avoidant? Understanding the Overlap in Attachment Challenges & Narcissistic Traits


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What’s the Difference Between Narcissistic Behaviors & Behaviors Associated with Certain Attachment Styles?


Even to the well-trained eye, certain insecure attachment patterns can appear to be highly narcissistic. This is especially true when there are high levels of reactivity, selfishness, or blunted emotions. What’s important to consider is that while narcissistic tendencies are deeply woven into the structure of personality, attachment patterns are more fluid and more easily influenced by trauma-informed therapies. 


It can be difficult to accept how stable temperament/personality can be. We all love to believe that significant change is possible with hard work, but when it comes time to make those big changes, typically, personality styles endure. People with narcissistic personality styles attempt to find safety and avoid shame by exploiting and degrading others. Influenced by both nature and nurture, narcissistic personalities are often a result of early trauma, severe neglect, or even certain flavors of really poor parenting. What often looks like callousness or arrogance in narcissistic individuals is actually part of how they try to regulate a shaky sense of self-worth (through entitlement, control, and emotional distancing). In most cases, there is nothing that can be done to help a narcissistic person unless they are deeply dedicated to life-long trauma therapy (and aren’t just lying about being dedicated to life-long trauma therapy…)


On the other hand, attachment styles can slide around a little. Think of attachment styles as our human-vessel security systems. They all work a bit differently, but the goal is the same: stay safe, regulate, find connection, & avoid pain. When discussing insecure attachment styles, I often suggest the visual of a bodyguard or bouncer who is maybe a little too passionate about their job. With the right help, attachment styles can be rewired (like the bodyguard/bouncer getting proper de-escalation training). Once tools and skills are learned, clients with insecure attachment styles are able to do the hard (but important) work required to become more securely attached. But it takes time & practice!


Can Someone Be Both a Narcissist and Fearful-Avoidant?


Yes, and this is where things can get especially confusing. While narcissism and fearful-avoidant attachment aren’t the same, there is an overlap in the associated behaviors. A person can have narcissistic traits and also struggle with disorganized attachment. In fact, some of the leading specialists on attachment argue that MOST narcissists are fearful avoidants, not dismissive avoidants (as many believe). That said, this is still hotly debated. 


Fearful avoidants desperately seek connection but often become cold, resentful, and defensive the moment vulnerability or criticism arises. They may also sabotage intimacy to avoid the pain of perceived rejection, all while accusing others of being incapable or unsafe. When this happens, it’s easy to feel like you’re in a relationship with a narcissist, even if the core issue is actually deep-rooted fear rather than a fixed lack of empathy. Of course, it’s important to consider that abuse is abuse, regardless of “why” someone is acting or behaving a certain way. Anyone with any attachment style is capable of abuse, and there is no excuse. 


How Narcissistic Traits Can Show Up in Any Attachment Style


When we hear “narcissist”, most of us think of someone cold, “evil”, arrogant, and emotionally unavailable. The truth is that narcissistic traits like extreme entitlement, self-centeredness, or a lack of empathy can show up in people with any attachment style, especially when they're activated or in distress.

Attachment theory explains how we relate to others, especially in close relationships, based on our early attachment and attunement experiences. When our nervous systems perceive danger/distress, we all have protective strategies—and sometimes those strategies can look really narcissistic, even when they're not rooted in a truly narcissistic personality.


For example:


  • An anxiously attached person may become preoccupied with their own needs for reassurance and inadvertently overlook (or trample) their partner’s boundaries. They may go through your phone, demand your attention in inappropriate ways, or even ruin special events because they aren’t capable of better regulating themselves when they really should be able to.


  • A dismissive avoidant individual may shut down emotionally, dismiss others' needs, or act superior as a way to protect themselves from vulnerability. It’s not unusual for dismissive avoidants to ghost people in a very antisocial manner when the ghosting was far from necessary.


  • A fearful-avoidant (disorganized) person may swing between clinginess and coldness, creating chaos that feels confusing or even unsafe. Disorganized individuals are often HIGHLY reactive, prompting concern from your loved ones and friends who notice and find their behavior exhausting. Both types of avoidants may also cheat to create more “emotional distance” from you.


All of the imaginary individuals referenced above are also capable of incredible levels of verbal abuse, such as chronic name-calling, loudly weaponizing insecurities, and endless cursing. While these behaviors can resemble narcissism on the surface, the motivation underneath is different.


Narcissism is marked by a deep, inflexible lack of empathy and a need to control others. Attachment-driven behaviors, on the other hand, are rooted in fears of rejection and abandonment. That said, some (most) of the behaviors mentioned above are, by definition, abusive. Fear is powerful and can be the root of many maladaptive behaviors.


Understanding Fearful-Avoidant Attachment (Disorganized Attachment)


Fearful-avoidant attachment! One of my favorite attachment styles to work with. Sometimes called disorganized attachment (I actually prefer this term), fearful avoidants are some of the most misunderstood individuals. Let's dive in deeper.


Often, you’ll hear this attachment style described as the style that “fears intimacy, but craves connection at the same time”, and that is PART of the story; however, it can feel like an oversimplification. Fearful avoidants jump around on their own spectrum and can be both anxious preoccupied and dismissive avoidant. This spectrum is vast and complex, leaving both FA individuals and their loved ones stumped much of the time. No two fearful avoidants are quite the same, but I will do my best to explain more consistent themes.


People with disorganized attachment (remember—it’s the same thing as fearful avoidance) desperately want to be seen, heard, and understood. The problem is, these desires run so deep that they often expect you to read their mind, anticipate all their needs, and see into the deepest depths of their soul. This intense (and unrealistic) need for closeness often quickly leads to disappointment, and the disappointment often triggers hypervigilance:


  • “Does this person REALLY care about me?”


  • “Is this person capable of loving me the way I need to be loved?”


  • “If you don’t get this, do you really get me at all?”


  • “Are my emotions going to feel like too much for this person? Will they leave me? I bet they’ve already considered doing that…now I'm mad. I'll leave you first.” 


Their desire for closeness paired with their fear of betrayal/abandonment often leads to a push-pull dynamic in relationships. Underneath this push-pull is often a nervous system wired for survival, shaped by early experiences of love that were unpredictable, unsafe, or conditional. They often struggle to trust others and also themselves. When conflict arises, they may become quickly dysregulated, lashing out, shutting down, or switching between protest behaviors and retreat. This hot-and-cold behavior is usually a sign of emotional overwhelm and their own confusion. 


This attachment style can be especially confusing because it really can mimic narcissistic behavior really beautifully, especially given the sudden emotional withdrawal, reactive anger, or hypersensitivity to criticism. But again, the root is different. While narcissism centers on control and grandiosity, fearful avoidance is rooted in terror: of being hurt, of being misunderstood, of losing the person they care about most. Ironic, right?


How Fearful-Avoidants Can Heal & What Makes It So Hard


Fearful avoidants are some of the fastest emotional processors. It’s very, very impressive to “watch them work”. Their entire lives, they have put everything under a microscope, and that microscope has a very negative bias on the lens. People with disorganized attachment are truly the ninjas of the attachment world, and they are ready to save themselves however they must.


Relational, trauma-informed therapy is so important for these clients because of their understandable difficulties with trust. It’s important to help them recognize, appreciate, and gently shift their adaptations, rather than shaming or criticizing them. This individual's “protective parts” have worked incredibly hard to keep them safe for so much of their lives, and it can be helpful to help them extend some self-gratitude. Revisiting unprocessed trauma with modalities like EMDR or Internal Family Systems work (integrated into relational therapy) can be a great option.


Working on fearful-avoidant attachment patterns requires learning nervous system regulating skills (and actually using them), practicing inner reparenting, and finding a willingness to stay present (even when it feels unsafe). This often means learning to tolerate vulnerability, noticing emotional triggers without acting on them, and slowly rebuilding trust with themselves and others.


While self-expression is not typically difficult at all for fearful avoidants, learning to respond respectfully and calmly can be difficult. Feeling “weak” or vulnerable is incredibly uncomfortable for them. Self-awareness is also not usually difficult for fearful avoidants, but truly admitting their behaviors are often inappropriate can be a tough pill to swallow. To them, acknowledging that often feels like self-abandonment.


Some unique challenges in this process include:


  • Fear of engulfment & fear of abandonment are happening simultaneously


  • Self-sabotage when intimacy feels “too safe”, "cringey", or unfamiliar


  • Shame around being “too much” or “too hard to love”


  • Difficulty discerning real threats/insults/judgments from perceived ones



Important Note: There’s Never an Excuse for Abuse


While it’s important to understand the roots of fearful-avoidant patterns, insight is not the same as justification. Attachment wounds can explain why someone behaves in chaotic or self-protective ways, but they do not excuse behaviors that are abusive or controlling. 


Fearful-avoidant dynamics can be extremely destabilizing to their partners. The unpredictability and emotional reactivity can mimic narcissistic abuse, leaving loved ones feeling gaslighted, confused, and drained. No matter how much someone has been wounded by their past, it is their responsibility to do the work of healing rather than continuing cycles of harm. Therapy that focuses on relational safety, somatic awareness, and attachment repair is essential.


How to Navigate Conflict with a Fearful-Avoidant Partner


When you’re in a relationship with a fearful-avoidant partner, it can feel like walking on eggshells. You’re never quite sure which version of them you’ll get. They might beg you not to leave, then they may tell you to get lost when things get vulnerable. 


One of the main challenges I see arise in my practice is people assuming that once conflict has begun that they should immediately jump to making their fearful-avoidant partner feel seen, heard, and understood. That’s the goal, right? That's what they want? That is their core need! Well, here’s the thing...


Once a fearful avoidant partner starts to feel overwhelmed, they may move closer to their dismissive avoidant side, adopting more of those DA tendencies rather suddenly. It can look similar to the "splitting" one might expect with certain personality disorders. Once they begin having deactivating thoughts like...


  •  “This relationship isn’t right for me.”


  • “I don’t even like them anymore.”


  • "I feel so trapped and honestly kind of icked out right now. I wouldn't feel like this if I really cared about this person..."


  • "They're totally going to leave me anyway. I should just end this. This is stupid and a waste of my time."


  • "Someone who loves me wouldn't act like this."


  • “Everything feels wrong…a relationship shouldn’t feel like this. I shouldn't feel confused."


  • I need to get out of here and respect my intuition.”


...they are going to be much less receptive to the intimate act of being seen, heard, and understood by you. While they may have, at one point, wanted your reassurance, what they "need" now more than ever might be space. Until their nervous system begins to regulate itself, any attempt at connection could push them further away. Those deactivating thoughts are the brain's way of justifying behaviors and creating distance from the pain of conflict. The thoughts aren't true, but they guide the individual away from the perceived threat— you. "To safety!", their attachment style says...


It’s important to offer love & support, but also offer options to avoid leaving them feeling trapped, cornered, or stuck. Fearful avoidants often require someone with a secure attachment to model appropriate behaviors (behaviors they likely didn’t witness in childhood). 


Some strategies that help:


  • Don’t chase when they withdraw—but don’t retaliate, either. Calm, consistent presence (without pressure) creates safety. Offer appropriate amounts of space or time alone if you can while maintaining your own boundaries.


  • Avoid shaming or accusing language. They’re already anticipating judgment. At this point, criticism will feel considerably worse than usual.


  • Name the impact while affirming care. Example:


    “I know you shut down when you're overwhelmed, and I am hearing you say you want to break up. I'm sure ending our relationship would make you feel better temporarily, but that's really painful for me to hear and consider. I can't begin to imagine how you feel right now, but I'd love to better understand at some point when you're ready to talk. You're important to me."


    OR


    "When you put your walls up like this, I feel cut off and alone. I’m not here to hurt you—I want us to be able to talk through things together, but I will give you space right now if that is what you need. I do not have any desire to control you or make you stay somewhere that feels limiting. You are your own person, but I like it when we are a team, too.”


  • Regulate yourself first. When you're grounded, it helps soothe their fear-driven reactions.


  • Model Self-Respect. If the fearful avoidant partner begins to insult you, punch below the belt, or get dysregulated, remove yourself from the situation calmly.


Ultimately, you can’t fix a fearful-avoidant partner. But you can set boundaries, communicate openly, and decide whether the relationship is sustainable as-is, or whether their healing needs to happen outside of the relationship.


The Unfortunate Pattern That Leads to Game Playing


We’ve talked a lot about the more dismissive avoidant side of a disorganized individual, but what about their anxious preoccupied tendencies? After spending a lot of time in a relationship with a fearful avoidant, you may notice a pattern emerging. When you pull back, they come running. Top speed. Because I preach authenticity, healthy communication, and secure attachment habits, I don’t often explore this pattern too deeply in my sessions for fear that it may be weaponized. But the reality is, because that pendulum can swing back and forth, people with disorganized attachment typically WILL chase if they perceive abandonment, an increase in self-respect/firmer boundaries, or like they’ve “messed up”. 


If you decide you’ve had enough and walk away from this kind of relationship or agree with their demands to break up (calmly, quietly, respectfully), more often than not, you should be prepared for your avoidant partner to reemerge. It can be days, weeks, months, or even years, but remember that until deeper work has occurred, this cycle may start all over again (with you or with the next person). 


When to Seek Support: Therapy for Complex Relational Patterns


If you’ve been in a relationship where you’re constantly questioning what’s real, wondering whether someone is being manipulative, or struggling with your own reactivity, therapy can help you get on track. As a therapist who specializes in narcissistic abuse and attachment trauma, I help clients unpack these patterns with care and nuance. 


Get Started With An Attachment-Theory Specialist:


I’m a Chicago-based therapist who specializes in narcissistic abuse recovery and attachment trauma. I use an integrative, relational, attachment-focused approach with EMDR when appropriate. If this sounds like a good fit, reach out here.







Therapy for Antagonistic Relationship Challenges: https://www.twolightstherapy.com/therapy-for-antagonistic-relationships





 


Two Lights Therapy Center PLLC | Chicago, Illinois.

Narcissistic Abuse Recovery Therapy


Please Note: The information provided in these blog posts is for informational and educational purposes only. It is not intended to be a substitute for professional therapy or therapeutic services. While licensed psychotherapists write these blogs, readers should not use this content as a replacement for individualized advice or treatment. If you are experiencing a crisis or need immediate assistance, please call 911 or contact other emergency services in your area. 

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