For a number of people, when the word “abuse” is uttered, their immediate thoughts are of something loud, violent, and obvious. Maybe when we think of narcissistic abuse, we are initially reminded of manipulation, gaslighting, and the emotional volatility that often accompanies narcissistic relationships. But for many survivors, some of the deepest wounds are the silent ones—the isolation, the self-hatred, the judgment, and the internal war between love and pain. The cognitive dissonance and these invisible struggles are often overlooked, leaving survivors feeling even more alone than ever before. When we don’t acknowledge some of these other infinitely complex experiences many have in narcissistic relationships, they become ever more taboo. Let’s talk about them today to hopefully decrease some of the stigma.  Narcissistic Abuse and Isolation: Why Survivors Feel So Alone Narcissistic individuals tend to isolate their targets (subtly or overtly) as a means of controlling them and the narrative. They may sow doubt about “toxic” friends or family who  CLEARLY want to sabotage “our special relationship”. They may also monopolize time and energy, punishing any attempt at independence or autonomy. Over time, survivors often begin to question their own instincts and their own ability to judge character. It is not uncommon to see survivors of abuse withdraw from those close to them, unsure of whom they can trust anymore.  But the isolation doesn’t end there. Even after opening up, many survivors find that their support systems don’t truly understand what they’ve been going through. Their friends and family members might question them in ways that evoke shame, or worse—they may even blame them for staying.  "Why Don’t You Just Leave?": When Empathy Turns Into Judgment One of the most painful experiences for survivors is being met with confusion or frustration upon their disclosure of the abuse. Well-meaning friends or family members may ask: “Oh my gosh! Why didn’t you just TELL me?,” or "Why didn’t you just leave?," or  “What are you DOING? You’re better than this!," or "Wait, you're STAYING with them???" ...without realizing how trauma bonds and fears of retaliation can keep someone trapped in an abusive relationship indefinitely. This lack of understanding can lead to further isolation. Feeling pressured, forced, or coerced (once again), survivors may decide it’s best to not disclose any more information or provide any updates. They’ll often retreat inward (both physically and emotionally), ashamed that they didn’t leave sooner, or ashamed that they still feel love for the person who hurts them. Still Loving Your Abuser: The Grief No One Talks About in Narcissistic Relationships Let's talk about it. It’s very possible to both deeply love someone and be deeply hurt by them again and again. If this sounds highly unusual to you, be glad you cannot understand and offer grace even when you do not relate. Many survivors grieve not just the relationship but the person they thought  their partner could be or would be. Narcissistic abuse often includes intermittent reinforcement (partial reward schedules)—periods of love, charm, and connection that keep survivors hooked and hopeful.  More specifically, many narcissistic partners do something called “future-faking”—making grand promises about marriage, children, or a beautiful shared future—to keep survivors emotionally invested, even when they typically have no real intention of following through. These push-pull dynamics create powerful psychological bonds that are as real as any physical trap or snare you can imagine. Survivors may feel ashamed of their lingering love, especially if others around them are aggressively urging them to move on. Healing doesn’t mean shutting off those feelings of love. It means learning to hold them with compassion (but not letting them hold you back) and honoring your experience without shame or self-judgment. Survivors Deserve Compassion—Not Silence or Judgment If you are trying to heal after or during narcissistic abuse, know this: your feelings are valid, and you have a right to support. If you’ve reached out for support before and were met with emotionally immature criticisms, recognize that their reaction is not about you. Frankly, many well-intentioned people are honestly very bad at offering the right support. (I often think about a meme where a girl said her mom’s go-to advice for any emotional challenges was just, “go outside and eat a banana.” It makes me laugh because it’s such a perfect example of someone wanting to help—but completely missing the mark.) The confusion, the grief, the isolation—it’s all real. You don’t have to justify your pain to anyone. At Two Lights Therapy Center PLLC , we specialize in narcissistic abuse therapy for survivors. We’re here to help if you haven’t yet been able to find safe support.  Learn about our narcissistic personality & narcissistic abuse therapy services: Want to get scheduled with a therapist who specializes in narcissism? Virtual Sessions for survivors can be scheduled by emailing: hello@twolightstherapy.com  or by visiting:   https://www.twolightstherapy.com/contact       Two Lights Therapy Center PLLC | Chicago, Illinois Narcissistic Abuse Recovery Therapist Please Note: The information provided in these blog posts is for informational and educational purposes only. It is not intended to be a substitute for professional therapy or therapeutic services. While these blogs are written by licensed psychotherapists, readers should not use this content as a replacement for individualized advice or treatment. If you are experiencing a crisis or need immediate assistance, please call 911 or contact other emergency services in your area.

The Importance of Using Strategic Language to Protect Your Credibility and Communicate Effectively in Court The temptation to describe your ex as a narcissist to drive home the severity of what you or your family have endured is completely understandable. Whether you’re navigating a high-conflict divorce, a custody battle, or some kind of nightmare contested will situation, you’re likely ripping your own hair out at this point, wanting to scream your truth from the rooftops. When you’ve been subjected to unbelievable levels of manipulation, gaslighting, or coercive control, the word narcissist  may feel like the only one that truly captures your pain and paints the right picture. However, in legal settings, the very language that feels validating and that you usually use to describe the narcissistic abuse can actually work against you. Let’s explore why it’s better to avoid using the term “narcissist” in court—and what you might want to say instead (but ask your lawyer first!). DISCLAIMER: THIS IS NOT LEGAL ADVICE. This post is NOT written by a lawyer—just a therapist who’s seen sh!t go sideways fast when certain words get tossed around in court. Always talk to your attorney before making any big legal moves. Seriously. :) Why Calling Your Ex (Or Anyone!) a “Narcissist” in Court Can Hurt Your Legal Case While your ex may display narcissistic traits or even meet criteria for narcissistic personality disorder, labeling them as a “narcissist” or “NPD” in court can come across as speculative or emotionally charged. Courts want facts, not diagnoses—especially from non-clinicians. Unless you are an expert witness, you are unlikely to benefit from using this kind of language. You don’t want to come across as “hysterical” —a loaded, outdated term/label that’s been weaponized against women for centuries to dismiss valid emotional responses. I hate even using the word in this blog, but unfortunately, the courtroom still isn’t always kind to people who show strong feelings, no matter how justified they may be. Instead of labeling or becoming dysregulated, describe the patterns of antagonistic relational behavior that have impacted your well-being, safety, relationship, or co-parenting dynamic. Use terms like: “coercive control” “intentional manipulation” “ongoing antagonistic relational stress” “frequent intimidation” For Example: Rather than saying: “He’s a narcissist who always blame-shifts, manipulates our child, and twists the truth!” You might say: “There’s a long-standing pattern of coercive control, where he distorts past events and pressures our child to be dishonest and hide communication from me.” This communicates the same issue, but in a way that courts take more seriously. Using Terms Like “Narcissistic Abuse“ Can Undermine Your Credibility in High-Conflict Cases The terms “narcissist” , "gaslighting", "trauma bond" , and “narcissistic abuse” have become so common in pop culture/pop psychology that courts may see them as a red flag for personal bias, not evidence. The unfortunate reality is that these words/terms have been diluted and watered down by the media. If you use the word casually or repeatedly, it can make you look vindictive, emotionally reactive, or even unwilling to co-parent appropriately/cooperatively. Even when your concerns are completely valid, your message can get lost (I know it sucks—I'm sorry!). Judges and legal professionals are more likely to listen if you present concrete, behavior-based examples using neutral, descriptive terms like: “chronic and constant disregard for parenting agreements” “pattern of emotional volatility and abusive behaviors” “intimidating communication style” “ongoing relational aggression” “persistent relational conflict and antagonism affecting our child” This shifts the focus away from blame and intention and toward the actual impact on you or your family. How to Talk About Narcissistic Behaviors Without Using THAT Word You can  still easily describe narcissistic dynamics using observable, provable behaviors and relational impact.  Instead of... Try saying... “She’s a narcissist who gaslights me constantly.” “There’s a repeated pattern of minimizing my concerns and denying events that I recall clearly.” “He’s emotionally abusive and selfish.” “He often uses threats and guilt to control parenting decisions, which creates a hostile environment for our child.” “They’re a narcissist and lie constantly.” “There’s ongoing relational stress due to frequent dishonesty and refusal to share accurate information with me or the court.” These phrases still capture the dysfunction and frustration, but in a way that the legal system can utilize, understand, and respect. A Gentle Reminder: Your Feelings Are 100% Valid Being told not to use the word “narcissist”  in court doesn’t invalidate your experience. It protects it. The goal is not to silence, tone-police, or moderate you, but to equip you with language that actually holds weight in the legal system. The words you choose in court can be a tool, not just for justice, but for reclaiming your own power. If you’ve been subjected to coercive control, chronic relational stressors, emotional abuse, and other forms of antagonism, you deserve support. Learn about our narcissistic personality & narcissistic abuse recovery services at Two Lights Therapy Center PLLC: https://www.twolightstherapy.com/ Want to book a session with a therapist who specializes in narcissistic abuse therapy? Virtual Sessions for survivors can be scheduled by emailing: hello@twolightstherapy.com  or by visiting:   https://www.twolightstherapy.com/contact     Two Lights Therapy Center PLLC | Chicago, Illinois Narcissistic Abuse Recovery Therapy & EMDR Trained Psychotherapist Please Note: The information provided in these blog posts is for informational and educational purposes only. It is not intended to be a substitute for professional therapy or therapeutic services. While these blogs are written by licensed psychotherapists, readers should not use this content as a replacement for individualized advice or treatment. If you are experiencing a crisis or need immediate assistance, please call 911 or contact other emergency services in your area.

If you've ever typed “what is narcissistic abuse syndrome” or “therapy for post-narcissist stress disorder” into Google, you may have struggled to find some solid resources or therapists treating these conditions.  Many people, especially folks healing from toxic, emotionally abusive relationships, use these phrases to make sense of their reality and experiences. Some individuals find labels to be validating and helpful. The reason you may struggle to find licensed therapists using these terms is because they are not officially recognized mental health disorders. While these terms aren’t official mental health diagnoses, they are often used to describe sets of symptoms that are seemingly unique to narcissistic abuse survivors. I hope the community gets its own, official term one day! What Is Narcissistic Abuse Syndrome—and Why Isn’t It in the DSM? Is Post-Narcissist Stress Disorder Real? “Narcissistic Abuse Syndrome” and “Post-Narcissist Stress Disorder” are not formal diagnoses in the DSM-5 or ICD-11 (manuals used by mental health professionals). You won’t find them in clinical textbooks, and your insurance certainly won’t recognize or reimburse your treatment if you attempt to use these terms as evidence (BOooooOOOOoooo!). That said, you will see these terms mentioned all over survivor communities and social media. Some larger mental health tech platforms (you know who...they love sending cease & desists) also inappropriately use them for marketing purposes, treating them as diagnoses. Again, these terms were created to describe the unique and devastating psychological effects of antagonistic relational stressors like prolonged manipulation, gaslighting, and coercive control by someone with narcissistic traits or narcissistic personality disorder (NPD). People who resonate with these labels often experience: Cognitive Dissonance Self-Doubt, Confusion, & Brain Fog Hypervigilance Challenges with Identity Significant Levels of Shame Trauma-Bonding Challenges  Perceived Personality Changes While these labels don’t fit neatly into one diagnosis, they often overlap with things like PTSD, anxiety, depression, or dissociative disorders. Some research has suggested that the effects of narcissistic abuse are actually quite different when compared to something like an anxiety disorder or depression (my experiences as a therapist would support this hypothesis).  Because of this, it makes sense that people would be itching for a new term or label. Therapy for Post-Narcissist Stress Disorder: What You Actually Need Whether you call it narcissistic abuse syndrome or something else entirely, what you’re experiencing is real, and it requires a trauma-informed therapy approach. If it’s easiest for you to describe your experience using these terms, that is totally fine (as long as you understand the unfortunate lack of clinical support so you don’t try to use them in court or with your insurance company).  Relational trauma deeply affects your limbic system and your sense of self/identity. Feeling safe and vulnerable around others can feel impossible after narcissistic abuse. Therapy that focuses on relational safety, attachment trauma, and trauma-focused modalities like EMDR can be incredibly healing. You don’t need a formal diagnosis to justify getting help. The right therapy honors your experience, even if it doesn’t fit a label. Another Reminder—"Narcissistic Abuse Syndrome" isn't a diagnosis because your reaction to emotional abuse isn't pathological. It's understandable, reasonable, realistic, and adaptive. So, part of why you don't see terms like these more often is because being hurt, upset, and shaken by abuse isn't a mental illness—it's a healthy response to horrifying treatment. These understandable reactions are often misunderstood or seen as excessive or "hysterical" (ugh, hate that word). It should be noted that labelling survivors CAN lead to further stigmatization. Just something to think about! Why These Terms Matter—Even If They Aren’t “Real Diagnoses” So, I'll say it one more time for the people in the back: Are narcissistic abuse syndrome and post-narcissist stress disorder real? Clinically—no. Emotionally and psychologically—ABSOLUTELY. These labels emerged because people needed (and valued) language for an experience that felt invisible, watered-down, and misunderstood. They offer validation, community, and a way to name the pain. And sometimes, we need that. If you’re struggling with symptoms of narcissistic abuse, therapy can help you rebuild trust and help you stop blaming yourself for what someone else did. Support is available, and you deserve it. Looking for Therapy For Post-Narcissist Stress Disorder in Chicago or Illinois? I specialize in helping clients recover from narcissistic abuse at Two Lights Therapy Center (virtually): https://www.twolightstherapy.com/ Virtual Sessions can be scheduled by emailing: hello@twolightstherapy.com  or by visiting:   https://www.twolightstherapy.com/contact   Two Lights Therapy Center PLLC | Chicago, Illinois Therapists Narcissism Specialists & EMDR Therapy for Narcissistic Abuse Recovery Please Note: The information provided in these blog posts is for informational and educational purposes only. It is not intended to be a substitute for professional therapy or therapeutic services. While these blogs are written by licensed psychotherapists, readers should not use this content as a replacement for individualized advice or treatment. If you are experiencing a crisis or need immediate assistance, please call 911 or contact other emergency services in your area.

Relational Therapy For Narcissistic Abuse Recovery & Betrayal Trauma Treatment When we experience narcissistic abuse, the attachment wounding we experience is, by definition, relational, not just psychological. It is all too easy to forget the impacts of relational aggression in abusive relationships. Unfortunately, parts of pop psychology often only place significant emphasis on physical abuse in such a way that dilutes the horrifying reality of other types of antagonistic relational stressors. When emotional and verbal abuse are forced to play second fiddle to other forms of violence, survivors question the validity of their pain.  Narcissistic dynamics distort your sense of safety, but they also distort your self-worth and the trust you have in others. That’s why a relational approach to therapy is one of the most powerful tools for narcissistic abuse recovery. We must connect to heal. A relational approach to therapy centers the healing power of this connection. Rather than focusing only on clients’ symptoms or surface-level therapy strategies, relational approaches emphasize the therapeutic relationship itself as a tool for transformation. Trauma—especially relational trauma like in narcissistically abusive dynamics—is often created in unsafe relationships and must be healed within safe, attuned ones. This is key to neural rewiring. Here are just a few of the reasons why I think that relational therapy is essential for survivors of narcissistic abuse: Why Relational, Attachment-Informed Therapy Matters For Survivors of Narcissistic Abuse 1. Relational Safety Helps Reveal & Heal Shame Narcissistic abuse often leaves survivors drowning in self-doubt and shame. While embarrassment makes us feel like something we DID is bad or stupid, shame makes us believe that WE OURSELVES are bad, stupid, and worthless. Survivors typically find themselves wondering, " Was it really that bad? Am I being dramatic? Was it my fault?"  These internalized beliefs do not shift through logic alone—they need to be felt and undone in a safe, attuned therapeutic relationship. Relational therapy creates an emotionally safe space where you don't feel judged or pathologized. Instead, you are seen, cared for, and understood. This kind of relational safety is the antidote to shame. When your nervous system senses genuine care and consistency, it begins to rewire, and deeper healing becomes safe & possible. As a therapist, it's amazing to watch this happen in real time. 2. The Therapeutic Relationship Is  the Intervention Survivors of narcissistic abuse often struggle to trust others and feel seen without the lingering fear of dismissal, rejection, or manipulation. A trauma-informed, relational therapist doesn’t just analyze your patterns—they offer an entirely new relational experience. Over time, this therapist-client dynamic becomes what we call a “corrective relationship”  that gently challenges the belief that closeness and honesty always lead to shame or harm. This slow, reparative trust-building is where some of the deepest healing happens, and the more sound the therapeutic relationship is, the more authentic you are able to become. There is nothing I love more than being that corrective relationship for my clients and showing them that their thoughts, feelings, and ideas DO matter (& are invited/appreciated). 3. EMDR for Narcissistic Abuse Requires Strong Rapport While EMDR can be a wonderful modality for reprocessing and integrating traumatic memories, it’s something to be taken seriously, especially for complex relational trauma like narcissistic abuse. Without a strong therapeutic bond, EMDR can feel ineffective, overwhelming, or even destabilizing. It can be incredibly difficult to focus on processing if you are constantly overcome by anxiety, wondering if your therapist truly has your back through this intense work. In EMDR therapy, we are actually going TOWARDS the pain (intentionally), and this is not easy to do if you do not feel comfortable with your therapist. In fact, most of the time, your system will not let you anywhere near that pain if you don't feel centered in the therapeutic space. A strong, sound relational foundation ensures that EMDR feels grounded, freeing, and safe. When trust, connection, and attunement are prioritized (so a client can stay within their window of tolerance), EMDR can be an absolutely life-changing treatment for some clients. My feeling is that this work is nearly impossible without an authentic therapeutic connection.  Curious to see if relational therapy is right for you?  I specialize in helping clients recover from narcissistic abuse by integrating a relational, attachment-informed EMDR approach into my therapy treatment. Learn more about the various services I offer at my practice, Two Lights Therapy Center:   https://www.twolightstherapy.com/ Virtual Sessions can be scheduled by emailing: hello@twolightstherapy.com  or by visiting:   https://www.twolightstherapy.com/contact     Two Lights Therapy Center PLLC | Chicago, Illinois Relational Narcissistic Abuse Therapy & EMDR for Narcissistic Abuse Recovery Please Note: The information provided in these blog posts is for informational and educational purposes only. It is not intended to be a substitute for professional therapy or therapeutic services. While these blogs are written by licensed psychotherapists, readers should not use this content as a replacement for individualized advice or treatment. If you are experiencing a crisis or need immediate assistance, please call 911 or contact other emergency services in your area.

What Is EMDR Therapy for Narcissistic Abuse? Eye Movement Desensitization and Reprocessing (EMDR) is a research-backed method of psychotherapy that can help clients process past traumatic experiences.  “Is that the therapy where you move your eyes back & forth, or something?” Yes—EMDR involves much less talking than traditional therapy and instead uses guided eye movements that help the brain integrate traumatic memories that were never processed correctly. In my practice, I use a nifty light bar! This approach can be particularly effective for those recovering from PTSD, narcissistic abuse, and other kinds of relational trauma (antagonistic relational stress), where the unintegrated memories are often deep and complicated. Personally, I think of EMDR more like a medical procedure, given how precise, scripted, and structured it is (not in a scary way, though!). We’re not just talking things through—we’re actively rewiring your brain together. Weeeeeee!  Understanding the Adaptive Information Processing (AIP) Model At the heart of EMDR therapy lies the Adaptive Information Processing (AIP) model, a framework that explains how the brain processes, integrates, and stores information (our memories). According to the AIP model, traumatic memories and sensations can become "stuck" and “stay hot” in the brain's memory networks. Because our brains aren’t always great at knowing when exactly a threat or traumatic experience occurred, these “stuck” memories can lead to persistent anxiety and other symptoms (including many physical sensations). The unintegrated trauma can influence current beliefs, perceptions, and behaviors, making us feel almost haunted...and stuck in the past. EMDR therapy aims to activate the brain's innate ability to process and integrate these distressing memories. By installing updated, adaptive beliefs, we can begin to alleviate symptoms and encourage our evolution.  EMDR for Narcissistic Abuse & Relational Trauma Recovery Narcissistic abuse and relational trauma are marked by patterns of manipulation and minimization, which can create some deep psychological scars, but healing is really possible! EMDR therapy, guided by that AIP model (discussed above), offers a structured, targeted approach to examine these pain points by:  Identifying & targeting specific traumatic memories associated with the abuse Reprocessing these memories to reduce their emotional charge & impact on functioning Replacing negative beliefs (e.g., "I am too much") with positive, empowering ones Enhancing emotional regulation skills & self-awareness EMDR can be a life-changing approach for many, helping them to honor and move past their traumatic experiences. This typically allows clients to feel more at ease when working towards developing new, healthy relationships and practicing self-forgiveness/compassion.  Integrating the S.A.F.E. EMDR Approach In my work, I use the S.A.F.E. EMDR approach (Somatic and Attachment-Focused EMDR), which takes into account (in just a slightly different way) the body’s cues, attachment trauma histories, and other relational dynamics that often surface in trauma recovery. Unlike some other therapeutic models, S.A.F.E. EMDR places significant emphasis on real-time nervous system regulation, present-moment safety, and the therapeutic relationship as key ingredients in healing. This approach can be especially valuable for those recovering from narcissistic abuse, where early attachment wounds and chronic invalidation (sometimes lifelong) can make emotional safety and trust difficult to access. By honoring the body’s pace and helping clients build a stronger sense of internal and relational safety, S.A.F.E. EMDR supports deep integration. EMDR Therapy in Chicago, IL EMDR therapy can be a really transformative option for some. If you're in the Chicago area and seeking support for narcissistic abuse or relational trauma, please don’t hesitate to reach out. Working with a trained EMDR therapist can be well worth a try if other kinds of therapy have felt less effective (or maybe you’re just ready to add something new to your toolbox!). If you’re skeptical—that’s okay too! Spoiler alert: I was VERY skeptical about EMDR for the longest time, but I have now seen the impact it can have with my very own eyes. :) Want to learn more about virtual EMDR therapy?  I specialize in helping clients recover from narcissistic abuse by integrating EMDR into therapy when appropriate. Learn more about the various services I offer at my practice, Two Lights Therapy Center: https://www.twolightstherapy.com/ https://www.twolightstherapy.com/emdr https://www.twolightstherapy.com/intensives & more! Virtual Sessions can be scheduled by emailing: hello@twolightstherapy.com  or by visiting:   https://www.twolightstherapy.com/contact     Two Lights Therapy Center PLLC | Chicago, Illinois Therapists Narcissism Specialists & EMDR Therapy for Narcissistic Abuse Recovery Please Note: The information provided in these blog posts is for informational and educational purposes only. It is not intended to be a substitute for professional therapy or therapeutic services. While these blogs are written by licensed psychotherapists, readers should not use this content as a replacement for individualized advice or treatment. If you are experiencing a crisis or need immediate assistance, please call 911 or contact other emergency services in your area.

Understanding Dismissive Avoidant Attachment I’m gonna keep it real with you guys 👀. Website analytics are showing that my dismissive avoidant blogs are getting a lot of clicks! So, I’m going to give the people more of what they want, but I want to balance things out a bit. Today, let’s look at the things dismissive avoidants do really well.  Sorry—I'm a strengths-focused therapist—this was bound to happen. (Stay tuned for more blogs on fearful avoidant attachment and anxious preoccupied attachment—they’re coming soon.) But let’s start with a gentle reminder: attachment styles aren’t flaws or some kind of illness—they’re actually adaptations. It’s kind of amazing what the brain and body will do/can do to keep us safe. Say, "Thank you, body! Thank you, soul-vessel!". Attachment patterns form early in life as survival strategies, shaped by the environments we grow up in and the “objects” around us (people & relationships). From there, attachment styles develop and adjust based on a variety of factors, including (but not limited to) the level of emotional attunement we received from caregivers, whether our emotional needs were met consistently, and how we processed traumatic experiences like neglect, abuse, or abandonment. When connection felt unpredictable or unsafe, our nervous systems learned quickly. For dismissive avoidants, that often meant learning to rely on themselves, limit their self-expression, avoid vulnerability, stay useful, minimize their own needs, and find safety in space. When we talk about this style, it’s not about putting anyone in a box. Instead, it’s about understanding why someone might show up the way they do, and looking at the full picture—including the strengths that often get overlooked (because everyone is always bullying the DA's!).  **If you’re going through a breakup with a DA, don’t read this one—it’s gonna make you feel bad (or mad). There are so many other blogs to explore! 😅 Key Strengths of the Dismissive Avoidant While these key strengths can also cause other abilities to be a bit more underdeveloped, they can be utilized as important tools while moving toward secure attachment. Keep in mind, these are all strengths AND challenges in their own ways—being a dismissive avoidant isn’t easy or carefree.  Radical Independence & Self-Sufficiency One of the most obvious (and often admired) strengths of someone with a dismissive avoidant attachment style is their fierce independence. These folks are often HIGHLY self-reliant, capable, competent, and able to “handle life” on their own without needing constant reassurance or excessive support from others. While this can sometimes create distance in relationships if unchecked, it’s also a huge asset in areas like career and personal decision-making. That said, hyperindividualism can be lonely, and DA's can always work on accepting more help from those around them. Adaptability in Big Life Transitions Dismissive avoidants tend to handle big transitions—like moving to a new city, starting a new job, or solo traveling—with much more ease than others. Certain kinds of change that might feel overwhelming or overstimulating for someone more anxiously attached can feel energizing and freeing for an avoidant-leaning nervous system. There’s a grounded, practical quality that helps them adapt quickly and stay focused in the midst of chaos. (That said, get to therapy so you can process any repressed emotions that may still be unconsciously impacting you when life feels like too much.) Solitude as a Source of Strength While many people dread being alone, dismissive avoidants often thrive in it and find it to be peaceful. They’re not just okay with solitude—they genuinely enjoy it, often more than socializing. Time alone can be recharging, and in that space, they can reconnect with themselves without all the noise of external pressure or emotional demands. We can all learn something from this. Focused Work Ethic & Emotional Compartmentalization Many dismissive avoidants throw themselves into their work—and they’re really, really good at it if we are being honest with ourselves. Their ability to compartmentalize emotions and set stress aside can allow for deep focus and productivity. While this can sometimes (often) become a way to avoid vulnerability, it’s also what makes them reliable, efficient, and driven in professional settings. They’re often the people who stay calm under pressure, figure things out in the fog, and get things done when others are spinning out (or crashing out). It’s easy to be envious of their seemingly effortless ability to “take their mind off” anything in their way.  Effective (If Imperfect) Self-Regulation Strategies While anxious types might seek excessive co-regulation through others (even coercing others into taking more responsibility for their emotions), dismissive avoidants are often masters of finding something  that works for them, even if it’s not the most emotionally nourishing regulation option. Whether it’s zoning out with music, diving into a project, driving around, going for a long run, or just taking space, they’ve usually developed some tried-and-true, go-to strategies to help themselves feel more stabilized. These methods may not always lead to deep healing or processing, but they do offer short-term relief and a sense of control, which is something many other attachment styles struggle to find.  ~ In Conclusion ~: Moving from Adaptation to Intention It’s easy to pathologize attachment styles, especially when they negatively impact relationships. But underneath every pattern is a nervous system that did what it needed to survive. For dismissive avoidants, that often meant harnessing strength, focus, and the ability to stand alone. These traits aren’t flaws—they’re gifts. And when paired with self-awareness and a willingness to grow, they can create deeply meaningful and balanced relationships, too. Dismissive avoidant clients are actually some of my favorite clients to work with (jk we can't have favorites—you're all my favorite), and they do some really awesome work in the treatment room. 🤩 We can all work on being more understanding, and we all have a lot to learn from one another. Disclaimer:  There is no justification for abuse, regardless of attachment style or personality disorder. If you need support, please reach out to us at hello@twolightstherapy.com . Looking to learn more about your attachment style & move towards a secure attachment? Read more about Two Lights Therapy Center's approach to treatment: Home Page: https://www.twolightstherapy.com Attachment-Focused Therapy: www.twolightstherapy.com/attachment-styles-therapy Want to work with an attachment theory specialist?  Virtual therapy sessions can be booked by emailing: hello@twolightstherapy.com  or by visiting:   https://www.twolightstherapy.com/contact     Two Lights Therapy Center PLLC | Chicago, Illinois Narcissistic Abuse Recovery Therapy & Attachment Theory Specialists Please Note: The information provided in these blog posts is for informational and educational purposes only. It is not intended to be a substitute for professional therapy or therapeutic services. While these blogs are written by licensed psychotherapists, readers should not use this content as a replacement for individualized advice or treatment. If you are experiencing a crisis or need immediate assistance, please call 911 or contact other emergency services in your area.

What Is a Narcissistic Smear Campaign? A narcissistic smear campaign (often a result of narcissistic injury or narcissistic collapse) is an intentional, antagonistic, calculated attempt to discredit you, isolate you, and undermine your credibility—often after you've set a boundary or ended a relationship. It’s not some kind of "harmless gossip" or “their side of the story.” It’s psychological warfare dressed up as “concern” or "a warning." It is relational aggression at its finest, manipulation 101, and it can be one of the most disruptive forces during recovery.  Common Places Narcissistic Smear Campaigns Show Up Smear campaigns aren’t just launched online or behind closed doors. They can be carried out in any space you identify with and within your closest support systems. Most often, we will see smear campaigns launched at your job, in your family, in your social circles, or within your chosen communities. What makes narcissistic smear campaigns so excruciating is that they often target the people, communities, and values you care about the MOST. Workplaces:  Whisper campaigns, bad mouthing/character assassinations, or accusations of misconduct, doubt-planting. Families:  Rewriting the narrative to cast you as unstable, dramatic, or abusive (sometimes scapegoated!). Friend Groups:  Triangulation, exclusion, group chats, and strategic storytelling. Religious Communities:  Moral accusations or spiritual manipulation to tarnish your reputation. Support Systems:  Using therapy language to position you as the "problem" or someone unreliable & disturbed who desperately “needs help.” Social Media:  One of the most common modern tools for public shaming, "cancellation", and the spreading of false narratives. How to Respond to a Narcissistic Smear Campaign The urge to quickly defend yourself is natural, and sometimes, it is appropriate. You do what you gotta do. However, it is best to regulate before taking action, as it’s important to consider whether you may unintentionally fall into a trap . Your (understandably) big reaction can further paint you as someone “disturbed” or “untrustworthy" if doubt was already planted. I KNOW—IT’S SO UNFAIR & MESSED UP. Always remember, both positive AND negative attention fuel narcissistic individuals. Even justice-oriented approaches might backfire.  What’s that quote?: “ Never wrestle with pigs. You both get dirty and the pig likes it” (Shaw, n.d.). We’ll call this “Option 0”, but here are some other options to consider: Option 1: Ignore the Smear Campaign & Protect Your Peace Sometimes the most powerful thing you can do is nothing (Ugh I know—not what you want to hear). When the narcissist doesn’t get a reaction, their tactics often lose momentum or they might even just get bored. Trust that the people who truly know you will see through the noise and nonsense. You don’t need to explain or justify your side to everyone. People aren’t as gullible as you might expect. Even if they engage with the slander, most people have a little red flag pop up when someone speaks ill of someone they know to be pretty reasonable (on average).  Option 2: Stand Firm in Your Truth After Narcissistic Abuse Knowing that someone is constantly spreading lies about you can make you feel like you’re losing your mind. You may even act like you're losing your mind, and that is to be expected! It's okay! Ground yourself in your truth. Spend time with good people. Speak (and live) your truth quietly and clearly, remembering that confidence is quiet. Journaling, trauma-informed therapy, and leaning into safe relationships can help remind you: you’re not crazy —you’re being targeted. Calm & clarity often comes with time, regulation, and not confrontation. Option 3: Legal Options for Narcissistic Smear Campaigns No one has the right to make you feel unsafe. If the smear campaign is impacting your livelihood or safety, there are legal options to consider : Defamation  includes: Libel  – written falsehoods (emails, social media posts, letters) Slander  – spoken falsehoods (conversations, voicemails, public comments) You typically must prove with evidence that: The statements were false They were shared with others They caused harm (reputation, employment, etc.) So KEEP THOSE RECEIPTS! If the narcissist is making repeated, unwanted contact—or encouraging others to harass or smear you— a restraining order may also be an option , especially if their behavior meets the legal definition of stalking. It’s always wise to consult with a lawyer, even just for peace of mind.  Final Thoughts: You Don’t Have to Prove Yourself to Everyone As a therapist who specializes in narcissism, I am no stranger to a smear campaign. My clients’ narcissistic partners often don’t like them seeing a therapist who might help them break away. Clients struggling with narcissistic tendencies don’t always love being gently challenged, even when that’s eventually the goal of therapy. While, thankfully, it isn’t a regular occurrence, I face serious threats and attempts at “retaliation” every so often. If there’s anything I’ve learned, it’s this: Narcissistic individuals do not like it when you start making a little too much sense, but you cannot linger on eggshells forever. You have a right to be seen, heard, and understood. You have the right to advocate for yourself and others. In fact, we often MUST face the fear. That doesn’t mean you won’t flinch—remember, no one tells us that bravery often feels like fear.  You don’t need to win a debate to know who you are. A narcissistic smear campaign is an extreme, desperate attempt to control a narrative—but the truth has a way of always resurfacing, even when you say nothing. Whether you choose silence, support, or legal action, you are not alone . And by the way, a smear campaign isn't a power move—it's weirdo behavior. Let that reframe sink in for a bit. It's important not to think of narcissistic individuals as all-powerful, all-seeing gods, even though it often feels like they're in every room with us in our minds. We can reduce that feeling with therapy. Stay strong! Stay safe! Take measures to protect yourself. Learn about our narcissistic personality & narcissistic abuse recovery services at Two Lights Therapy Center PLLC : https://www.twolightstherapy.com/ Want to book a session with a therapist who specializes in narcissistic abuse therapy?  Virtual Sessions for survivors can be scheduled by emailing: hello@twolightstherapy.com  or by visiting:   https://www.twolightstherapy.com/contact     Two Lights Therapy Center PLLC | Chicago, Illinois Narcissistic Abuse Recovery Specialist & Psychotherapist Please Note: The information provided in these blog posts is for informational and educational purposes only. It is not intended to be a substitute for professional therapy or therapeutic services. While these blogs are written by licensed psychotherapists, readers should not use this content as a replacement for individualized advice or treatment. If you are experiencing a crisis or need immediate assistance, please call 911 or contact other emergency services in your area.

A bit about the business: Erika Koch-Weser founded Two Lights Therapy Center in Chicago, Illinois with a mission to address the critical gap in care for individuals impacted by narcissism & narcissistic abuse. Recognizing the scarcity of specialized support in this area, Erika dedicated her practice to providing compassionate, expert guidance to help clients navigate their healing journey and reclaim their sense of self (including clients who are struggling with narcissistic personality styles themselves)! Below, Erika Koch-Weser, LCSW, NATC (Chicago narcissistic abuse therapist) answers a few, common questions about the narcissism specialty. Question: Do you think the word narcissist is overused? Erika: Yes & No. Do I think some people are getting a little wild with it & slapping it on people a little too hastily? Sometimes! That being said, I’m glad people are waking up to the reality that is the existence of narcissism, and exploring the ways it impacts their lives and those around them. I think we have to be really careful that we aren’t censoring folks who are exploring and discussing those impacts. Unless you are directly affected by someone who is truly weaponizing the word “narcissist”, I would say let them be. It may have taken someone a long time to be able to admit they’ve been abused by someone who is narcissistic. There’s no reason to derail their healing journey just because you’re tired of hearing a word. While I don’t mind people using the word, as a therapist, I don’t really think of people as “narcissists” or not narcissists. I think narcissism is a spectrum, and most people know someone who falls somewhere on that spectrum. I’ve found that “narcissist” can sometimes be an unhelpful label unless it’s being used by a survivor of abuse who finds the term to be validating. At the end of the day, it comes down to whether it resonates with the individual. Many behavioral patterns that hurt people daily ARE, in fact, narcissistic by definition. While I don’t love throwing around the word personally, I try to mirror the language of my clients & I never tone police. I think others should do the same. Let someone use the word if they want to.  Question: What made you choose to work with folks who have narcissistic tendencies in addition to working with survivors of narcissistic abuse? Erika: I don’t have a very good answer to this because it’s difficult to put into words. The deeper I’ve gotten into the survivor-side of things, the more I’ve felt drawn to see what work can be done with the perpetrators. The research has always pointed to work with these folks being pointless and, in my experience, it’s simply not always true. While drastic change is not always possible, individuals with narcissistic tendencies are not all the same. It’s way more complex than some care to believe. I sometimes wonder if the more aggressive form of that stereotype is a coping strategy given that hope can be very dangerous for survivors. I get it-- but we (as clinicians) have to stay curious. I want to be clear that narcissistic folks who are actively abusing other people do not get a free pass, and hoping that the narcissistic person in your life is going to change overnight is never wise. This work takes years and ongoing treatment…typically for life. Two things can be true at the same time: there is no excuse for abuse AND there is significant trauma/pain on both sides that can be explored in therapy. Whether or not the work we do together is successful is case-dependent. Question: Do you enjoy your work? It seems heavy. Erika: I love my job. I shudder at the thought of doing anything else. I believe this is because I’ve built my practice & my schedule to support my continued enthusiasm. I’m not the kind of therapist who can see 8 clients a day. I envy those who can, but it isn’t realistic for me, so I keep my caseload low. I find joy in being present & focusing deeply during each session so that each of my clients gets the energy from me that they deserve. This keeps me loving my work & helping clients see results.  Want to work with Erika? Narcissistic Abuse Recovery Sessions for survivors can be booked by emailing: hello@twolightstherapy.com   Two Lights Therapy Center | Chicago, Illinois. Narcissistic Personality & Abuse Recovery Specialists Disclaimer:  The information provided in these blog posts is for informational and educational purposes only. It is not intended to be a substitute for professional therapy or therapeutic services. Readers should not use this content as a replacement for individualized advice or treatment. If you are experiencing a crisis or need immediate assistance, please call 911 or contact other emergency services in your area.

Understanding yourself starts with understanding how you learned to stay safe and connect. When people first come to therapy, they’re often experiencing these patterns that they can’t quite explain. Maybe they keep ending up in similar relationships, or they often feel triggered by the same (seemingly small) things/events/behaviors. What many people don’t realize is that these patterns usually aren’t random, and those triggers don’t just speak to some unimportant “quirk”. They’re rooted in something much, much deeper: our attachment systems and core beliefs. That’s why my work as a therapist is sooooo attachment-focused (I literally never shut up about it). Understanding your attachment style and exploring attachment theory/attachment trauma isn’t just interesting—it’s often the missing link to the deeper insight so many of us have been craving. It scratches that "need to understand" itch. Sometimes we need to intellectualize a little bit before we are able to feel things more deeply. In my therapeutic space, you have permission to get curious in this way first. As a little treat. :) What Is Attachment Theory? Attachment theory (in a nutshell) is the study of how we learn to bond, connect, and regulate emotions—starting in childhood. The way our caregivers responded to us helped shape the beliefs we formed about ourselves, others, and relationships. It is my belief that this formation doesn’t begin and end here, but that attachment styles can morph and shift when we are exposed to intense trauma (and do not have the opportunity to process it). The body of research on attachment theory is vast and growing, supplying us with plenty of information to fuel great therapeutic work!  Your Early Bonds Shape Your Present Patterns Were your early needs met consistently? Did you feel safe, soothed, understood, and seen by your caregivers? Did you get enough hugs and words of affirmation?Or did you maybe learn to shut down, cling, run, hide, avoid, fawn, or distrust? Our early experiences unfortunately don’t stay in the past. They show up in: Adult relationships Our sex lives Friendships Conflict patterns The way we self-soothe Our realtionships with intimacy How we experience vulnerability, kindness, love and trust What Is Attachment Trauma? Attachment trauma is complex, and it will always look slightly different for each of us. That said, the themes are often the same, and it can be somewhat humbling to recognize the consistency in attachment wounding patterns. Attachment trauma is what happens when your need for connection and safety is consistently met with relational pain, fear, antagonism, inconsistency, or rejection. These don't need to be extreme or obvious, unfortunately, and a simple (yet consistent) lack of emotional attunement can be very damaging all on its own. Over time, our experiences create deep-seated, unrelenting beliefs like: “I’m too much.” “No one really cares about my thoughts or feelings.” “I really can’t count on anyone.” "I'm weird and defective. “Relationships aren’t worth it.” “I’d be stupid to share how I really feel.” “If I get close, I’ll get hurt.” "They won't like the real me." Our early pain and these beliefs drive our adult behavior—whether we become avoidant (dismissive avoidant attachment), anxious (anxious preoccupied attachment), or feel completely disorganized in relationships (fearful avoidant attachment/disorganized attachment). Why I Focus on Attachment in Therapy I don’t just treat surface-level symptoms or bandaid up any bullet wounds. I help you get to the roots—the deep relational wounding that drives how you relate to others and yourself. When we focus on attachment trauma, we can finally understand: Why you’re drawn to certain relationship dynamics Why it’s so hard to break old patterns What’s underneath the feeling of “stuckness” Why you feel unaligned with the life you'd like to create Why true happiness doesn’t feel attainable Which main, core beliefs are holding you back How Attachment Style Therapy Leads to Life-Altering Change Once you understand your attachment style, everything starts to click and the puzzle pieces fall right into place. You can name your patterns, track your triggers, and—most importantly—make different life and relationship choices. This clarity allows for: More secure relationships Stronger emotional regulation Deeper self-compassion and confidence This psychoeducation, combined with approaches like EMDR and parts work, goes beyond basic therapeutic insight. It helps you rewire your attachment blueprint and helps you feel safe (and educated) enough to choose differently—whether that be choices related to partnerships, friendships, life transitions, career moves etc. A quick note: When I talk about attachment styles and early relationship patterns, this is never  about blaming you—or anyone—for the ways you’ve learned to survive. Understanding your attachment style is not about finding fault or weakness. It’s about compassionately tracing back to the roots of your challenges so you can make sense of what’s felt confusing or painful in your life so far. This work isn’t about blaming you for your choices or pain. It’s about helping you find the power to shift the patterns that no longer serve you. The Bottom Line Attachment theory helps us understand attachment trauma—and understanding our attachment trauma helps us understand ourselves. Once we’ve secured that clarity, we can finally begin to shift what’s been keeping us stuck—and move toward a life that feels safe, balanced, fun, and grounded. Looking for therapy to address your attachment style & to help you move towards a secure attachment style? Read more about how Two Lights Therapy Center approaches treatment:   https://www.twolightstherapy.com/ https://www.twolightstherapy.com/attachment Want to work with an attachment specialist for therapy?  Virtual Sessions with Erika can be booked by emailing: hello@twolightstherapy.com  or by visiting:   https://www.twolightstherapy.com/contact   Two Lights Therapy Center PLLC | Chicago, Illinois. Narcissism & Attachment Style Therapist Please Note: The information provided in these blog posts is for informational and educational purposes only. It is not intended to be a substitute for professional therapy or therapeutic services. While these blogs are written by licensed psychotherapists, readers should not use this content as a replacement for individualized advice or treatment. If you are experiencing a crisis or need immediate assistance, please call 911 or contact other emergency services in your area.

How to Break a Trauma Bond After Narcissistic Abuse The painful truth is that sometimes we need  to let go of someone if they continually cause us pain, even if part of us doesn't want to. If we can all acknowledge this as fact, then why is it that when push comes to shove and we TRY to let go, it may feel like our entire body is SCREAMING, “Don’t!”?   If you’ve been on an emotional roller coaster with this person for a while (high highs and low lows), it’s very possible you’re experiencing the painful power of a trauma bond. Trauma bonds are not limited to romantic relationships and can be a part of any relational dynamic. In other blogs, I dive deeper into what trauma bonds are and the science of trauma bonding (linked at the end!).  For now, here is what you need to know: Breaking a trauma bond — especially one formed in a narcissistic relationship — isn’t just about logic. It is so much deeper and more complicated — and that is why there is no quick fix. You can get unhooked in time, but it’s important to offer yourself grace and reduce any shame you have around these complex feelings. We’re going to be sitting in this feeling for a while, but you don’t have to fight your fears on your own. In fact, they are welcome here — and I am happy to help you (contact info at the end!).  What Is a Trauma Bond? Let’s review. A trauma bond forms when many moments of affection are mixed with or followed by emotional abuse, creating a cycle of dependence, hope, and fear. Narcissistically abusive relationships activate our old attachment wounds — often from childhood — and reinforce the belief that love must be earned through suffering.  Trauma bonds are not a sign of weakness. They’re often just a nervous system response to inconsistent care and emotional neglect, especially when those patterns are familiar. You can blame neuroscience instead of yourself — or your parents if that helps (kidding...kind of). Why It Takes Time to Break Free One of the most painful parts of recovery is wondering why you're still stuck. Why you still think about them. Why you still crave closure. Why you still want to be chosen. Those feelings and questions are welcome in my therapeutic space. Here’s what you need to know: Breaking a trauma bond after narcissistic abuse is a process. Sometimes a long one. The pull you feel isn’t just about the person — it’s about the unmet attachment needs, core beliefs, and past adaptive patterns they have triggered. That kind of healing doesn’t happen in a single session, a single day, or a single month. It takes time (and you’re allowed to take that time). It’s important to consider that our true "healing" can, at times, take as long as it took for us to arrive at this point in time. We are constantly evolving & growing — and that is a beautiful thing.  (Side note, but related, I swear: I once heard someone say something to the effect of, "Winners forget they are in the race — they just win because they love running." And I think that applies to this kind of healing too. We don't have to LOVE the process; however, in time, doing great work in therapy can be so satisfying that you forget why you were even trying to race through it in the beginning. Not all of this journey is painful & you will "win" one day without even trying. So many of my clients experience this shift & it is a beautiful thing to witness.) Okay, I'll stop with that before it broaches toxic positivity boundaries. :) Let Go of Shame — It’s Keeping You Attached Shame is the glue that keeps trauma bonds intact. You might catch yourself thinking:  “I should’ve known better.” , “Why can’t I just move on?” , “There must be something wrong with me.” The harsh reality is that these thoughts don’t help — they can actually prolong your process in excess. While we can always make room for these fears and concerns, without offering ourselves grace as well, we are continuing the work that the narcissistic person did (even when they are off the clock). These repetitive thoughts deepen our attachment wounds, add fuel to the fire, and make it harder to trust your own ability to heal. The best parts of recovery begin when we shift from self-blame to self-compassion. You didn’t choose this pain. But you can choose to understand it gently and patiently. How EMDR Therapy For Narcissistic Abuse Helps Untangle the Bond A powerful way to break free from a trauma bond is by addressing the beliefs that keep you tethered to the past. EMDR for narcissistic abuse (Eye Movement Desensitization and Reprocessing) helps you access core wounds and the emotional roots of those beliefs. The beliefs might sound like:  “If I’m not chosen, I’m unlovable .” , “ I’m not strong, and I need their apology to move on.”  , & “ I am worthless and too much. This is the best love I’ll ever get.” Through EMDR, we can reprocess painful memories (and their accompanying beliefs) to release the emotional charge that keeps you feeling sick and stuck. This work is especially helpful for healing attachment trauma, building self-worth/self-compassion, and developing internal/relational safety — so you no longer feel the need to chase external validation. Using EMDR and Parts Work to Heal Trauma Bonds After Narcissistic Abuse In my work, I often integrate parts work  (IFS: Internal Family Systems) into EMDR to support clients who feel emotionally torn — like one part of them knows the relationship was harmful, but another part still longs for the love and validation it offered. By identifying and gently working with these inner parts (versions of ourselves), we can offer compassion to the younger versions who needed that connection to survive. We can also reconnect with the most loving, wise versions of you, seeking their guidance. This approach allows EMDR to go even deeper, helping you lighten not just the memories but also the internal conflicts that are keeping you stuck. You Are Allowed to Heal Slowly Healing from narcissistic abuse doesn’t follow a linear timeline. Some days you’ll feel more “strong”. Others, you’ll feel like you’ve taken ten steps back. That’s okay. The strength is always there — it is not always easy to access when we feel so depleted. Breaking a trauma bond is deep, courageous work — and you don’t have to rush it. In fact, you shouldn’t, given that attempting to speed through healing often leads to key steps being missed.  Ready to start untangling the trauma bond? I offer EMDR therapy for narcissistic abuse recovery and attachment healing in Illinois. Read more about the therapy offered at Two Lights Therapy Center :   https://www.twolightstherapy.com/ Want to continue this conversation?  Virtual Sessions for survivors can be scheduled by emailing: hello@twolightstherapy.com  or by visiting:   https://www.twolightstherapy.com/contact   Other blogs on trauma bonds: https://www.twolightstherapy.com/post/why-sex-with-a-narcissist-feels-so-addictive-and-how-to-break-free https://www.twolightstherapy.com/post/the-simplified-neuroscience-of-trauma-bonds-how-narcissistic-abuse-can-hijack-your-brain-part-1 https://www.twolightstherapy.com/post/part-2-how-a-trauma-bond-forms-and-progresses-through-a-simplified-neuroscience-lens https://www.twolightstherapy.com/post/understanding-the-effects-of-narcissism-what-trauma-bonding-is-what-it-isn-t-in-narcissistic-abus   Two Lights Therapy Center PLLC | Chicago, Illinois Narcissistic Abuse Therapy Experts & EMDR for Narcissistic Abuse Recovery Please Note: The information provided in these blog posts is for informational and educational purposes only. It is not intended to be a substitute for professional therapy or therapeutic services. While these blogs are written by licensed psychotherapists, readers should not use this content as a replacement for individualized advice or treatment. If you are experiencing a crisis or need immediate assistance, please call 911 or contact other emergency services in your area.

Your dismissive avoidant ex FINALLY breaks no-contact. You haven’t felt this good in months. You’ve been hoping they’d finally realize the major mistake they made when they broke up with you—after all, you KNOW they loved you (despite what your friends think). You had a plan, and you knew how you wanted to proceed should this happen—with caution…you were going  to handle things differently this time. But you are so excited, and you have so much to catch them up on! PAUSE. Here’s the problem. Getting back with a dismissive avoidant partner can make you feel elated and euphoric—because maybe this  time will be different. You’ve read books about their attachment style, you’ve watched videos, and you know how to better connect with them this time. Maybe they've finally realized how much they do care. Maybe they’ve really missed you as well and just couldn't articulate it until now. But here’s the truth: it didn't end the first time because of anything you did & without deep inner work, even the most intense reunion will likely follow the same painful pattern. (I’m sorry!)  Why Dismissive Avoidants Lose Feelings After the Honeymoon Phase Here's a not-so-fun fact for you! Dismissive avoidants often come on strong at the start (or the re-start). They're charming, charismatic, present, and even extra vulnerable during this honeymoon phase. But around the 4–6 month mark, something almost always shifts. And we can blame chemistry. For dismissive avoidants, around 4–6 months into a relationship, the brain’s initial surge of dopamine begins to taper off. Of course, this time frame can differ depending on the individual, as there are exceptions. For dismissive avoidants, whose nervous systems are wired to associate closeness with threat/engulfment, this dopamine dip can trigger a need for distance as the relationship shifts from novelty back to vulnerability. Suddenly, they’re pulling away and saying they “lost feelings” (again). This is a predictable neurobiological pattern , not a reflection of your worth—but it certainly hurts all the same. Dismissive Avoidants Want Connection—But Can They Sustain It? Dismissive avoidants crave closeness and connection  just like anyone else. But wanting intimacy isn’t the same as having the tools to maintain and nurture it. When real intimacy begins to develop, many DAs unconsciously start to retreat. They intellectualize. Minimize. Shut down. Dismiss . It’s not that they don’t care—it’s that care feels unsafe  when you don’t have the ability to co-regulate. If your avoidant partner hasn’t done some serious work—like trauma-informed therapy, attachment trauma exploration with a professional, or nervous system regulation work—there’s a high chance they’ll repeat the exact same pattern, no matter how much they claim to have “figured things out” in your time apart. Even if they don't end things this time, they may spend the rest of your relationship or future marriage doubting your compatibility in silence or wondering if there's someone better out there (which is honestly even more terrifying). Getting Back With A Dismissive Avoidant: Can a Dismissive Avoidant Partner Change for Real? The short answer is: yes—but real change doesn’t happen just because they miss you. It happens when they’re willing to confront the fears and core wounds underneath their detachment and attachment style. That takes: consistent self-awareness & awareness of triggers emotional risk-taking & exposure to vulnerability accountability & acceptance of constructive criticism time & patience therapy or coaching with a specialist (find someone good!)  You can't do that work for them (and I know you’ve already tried)—and love alone won't be enough if they’re not equipped to hold connection. (Don’t get mad at me—I’m just the messenger.) If this all feels like too much and you need support, please do not hesitate to reach out. I will include contact information below.  Before You Go Back (Or Text Back): Questions to Ask Yourself First Has this person done the work needed to truly show up  in a relationship—or are you walking back into a familiar cycle, hoping it will hurt less this time (or hoping you can better “manage” things)? Do you really love this person or do you have your own deep attachment wounds that cause you to ache to be chosen by them?  Is this “your person” or are they just someone who made you feel unworthy of love (maybe similar to one of your parents) and offered your nervous system an opportunity to “get it right this time” (MAJOR dopamine hit)? Dismissive avoidants can change. But it’s a long, long, long, long game (sometimes too long)—and until then, reconnection is more likely to reopen old wounds than be a catalyst for a beautiful, new foundation. Hearing this news can suck, but having it offers you the freedom to reconnect (if you must) with the knowledge you need to have for the healthiest expectations when communicating and moving forward. Two Lights Therapy Center is a judgment-free zone. Join me to discuss your unique case and explore your options toward attachment security. All thoughts, feelings, and desires are welcome here. Read more about how Two Lights Therapy Center approaches treatment:   https://www.twolightstherapy.com/ https://www.twolightstherapy.com/attachment Want to work with an attachment specialist for therapy?  Virtual Sessions with Erika can be booked by emailing: hello@twolightstherapy.com  or by visiting:   https://www.twolightstherapy.com/contact     Two Lights Therapy Center | Chicago, Illinois. Narcissism & Attachment Specialists Please Note: The information provided in these blog posts is for informational and educational purposes only. It is not intended to be a substitute for professional therapy or therapeutic services. While these blogs are written by licensed psychotherapists, readers should not use this content as a replacement for individualized advice or treatment. If you are experiencing a crisis or need immediate assistance, please call 911 or contact other emergency services in your area.

What the Research Is Actually Showing Us (From a Trauma Therapist Who Integrates EMDR) EMDR (Eye Movement Desensitization and Reprocessing) is a powerful, unique, and research-backed approach to trauma therapy. Originally utilized mainly for PTSD, EMDR is now used to treat a wide range of mental health challenges and concerns. EMDR therapy helps your brain reprocess painful memories so they no longer feel quite so life-altering, overwhelming, or "stuck". Unlike the talk therapy you normally think of, EMDR taps into your brain’s natural healing processes using bilateral stimulation (like eye movements or tapping!) to unlock, shift, and integrate past trauma. There is a lot less talking in these sessions and a lot more feeling. :) Can EMDR Really Work Virtually? Yep! And not just in theory. Virtual EMDR therapy has been proven to be clinically effective and fully legitimate when done using the right tools and a well-trained therapist. Studies have found no significant differences in treatment outcomes between virtual and in-person EMDR for trauma clients. Recent studies have actually been finding that: Online EMDR is just as effective as in-person EMDR for PTSD and trauma-related challenges. Clients often report equal or even higher levels of comfort doing trauma work from home (especially if they find leaving the house difficult). Bilateral stimulation can be delivered virtually through tapping, visual tracking, or audio tools, without losing therapeutic impact. How Virtual EMDR Actually Works During an online EMDR session, we meet over a secure, HIPAA-compliant video platform (Simple Practice, to be exact!). I’ll guide you (step-by-step) through the process, just like I would in person. I only offer EMDR therapy to clients after a handful of other sessions full of history taking and rapport building, so you don't have to worry about being thrown in right away. Once we do get started, here’s what stays the same and what is adapted for these virtual therapy sessions: What Stays the Same: I use the same EMDR protocol as I would in person You’ll still experience deep emotional processing You will be met with the same level of attunement and support (obviously!) The process still involves phase-based trauma treatment What’s Adapted for Virtual EMDR (not much!): Bilateral stimulation will be offered using screen-based eye movement tools & light bars Grounding and resourcing techniques are slightly tweaked & expanded upon for your home environment Careful verbal check-ins will be an even more frequent part of treatment since I'm not physically with you Why Some Clients Prefer EMDR Online Many people find virtual EMDR less intimidating, especially when working through relational trauma or complex PTSD. Being in your own space, often near comfort items, pets, or grounding tools, can create a greater sense of comfort & safety. Other benefits include: No commute or driving home in an emotionally activated state Easier integration of the work into your daily life More consistency (if in-person sessions are difficult to attend), which supports long-term change I already mentioned pets...but the other benefit is (selfishly) I get to see your pets :) Who Is Virtual EMDR Best For? Online EMDR therapy is a great option for: Anyone who prefers therapy from the privacy of home People recovering from narcissistic abuse or emotionally immature caregivers Adults with attachment wounds and attachment trauma Clients with anxiety, phobias, PTSD/CPTSD It won't be the best fit for: Clients in crisis who need in-person safety supports Clients with a history of very severe dissociation Clients without a private, distraction-free environment Individuals who find virtual therapy to feel impersonal Virtual EMDR Therapy in Illinois As a licensed therapist in Illinois, I offer EMDR therapy online for residents across the state, including Chicago, Naperville, Oak Brook, Hinsdale etc. I specialize in working with clients who have experienced: Narcissistic abuse and toxic relationship dynamics Insecure attachment challenges Developmental trauma and childhood emotional neglect Narcissistic Personality Disorder The Bottom Line: Yes, Virtual EMDR Works! Online EMDR isn’t a watered-down version of trauma therapy. It’s a powerful, research-supported tool that allows treatment to happen safely, accessibly, and effectively from anywhere. If you're wondering whether EMDR (or therapy in general) can actually help you, let’s talk through your concerns and see if it’s the right fit. Want to learn more about virtual EMDR therapy?  I specialize in helping clients recover from narcissistic abuse by integrating EMDR into therapy when appropriate. Learn more about the various services I offer at my practice, Two Lights Therapy Center:   https://www.twolightstherapy.com/ Virtual Sessions can be scheduled by emailing: hello@twolightstherapy.com  or by visiting:   https://www.twolightstherapy.com/contact     Two Lights Therapy Center PLLC | Chicago, Illinois Narcissistic Abuse Therapy & EMDR for Narcissistic Abuse Recovery Please Note: The information provided in these blog posts is for informational and educational purposes only. It is not intended to be a substitute for professional therapy or therapeutic services. While these blogs are written by licensed psychotherapists, readers should not use this content as a replacement for individualized advice or treatment. If you are experiencing a crisis or need immediate assistance, please call 911 or contact other emergency services in your area.