"Am I Too Much?": The Question That So Many Have After Narcissistic Abuse When we're experiencing narcissistic abuse, it feels safer to shrink. After all, you were likely accused of being too needy, too emotional, too intense, and too sensitive, right? I often tell my clients that I think many of us knew the relationship needed to end when we realized how quiet we had become. There is a day in every narcissistic relationship when you suddenly realize how unlike yourself you now seem. And that can be incredibly scary and devastating. While turning inward and staying small may have felt like self-preservation, it came at a cost: your voice, your spunk, your brightness, your sense of aliveness, your very identity. You became careful. Cautious. You stopped bringing your full self to the relationship and to the world around you. This doesn't happen because you lack strength, but because many of your strengths may have been mischaracterized as flaws. That realization can be heartbreaking, but it is also empowering. It means the part of you that shrank didn’t disappear. It only just went quiet to survive. Healing is about coming home to yourself and giving the many wonderful parts of yourself permission to return as well. Why Narcissistic Abuse Makes You Feel Like You're "Too Much" People with narcissistic traits often react to your needs and moments of vulnerability with defensiveness, dismissiveness, accusations, or even retaliation. When you're accused of being needy or unreasonable, it can feel like accepting this as truth is the quickest path towards finding control (in a relationship that feels like it's spinning out)! Narcissistic folks don't react this way because you're actually too much, but instead, because your emotions threaten their sense of control or make them confront parts of themselves they can't handle/that feel shameful. The problem is that, over time, this chips away at your sense of identity and self-trust. You begin to believe that love requires shrinking and changing (and that your authenticity is often a liability). At that point, sometimes safety becomes closely tied to self-abandonment in your own mind. What you need to remember is this: your capacity to feel deeply, to love, and to express yourself is a strength. It just wasn’t safe to show it in that environment, and someone who abuses you doesn't deserve your presence. Therapy for Narcissistic Abuse Recovery Can Help You Reclaim Your Identity & Break The Trauma Bond Healing from narcissistic abuse and attachment trauma begins when we find ways to unlearn the core beliefs that lead us to think our emotions are inconvenient or unwelcome. In the specialized therapy that I offer, we work to: Stabilize, regulate, and rewire the nervous system Uncover the attachment learnings that made self-shrinking feel like survival Identify how past relationships have taught you to disconnect from your own needs and desires Explore the best ways to feel safe t aking up emotional and relational space again We don’t ever need to become "less." We just need to become more ourselves again. You don’t have to keep editing, adjusting, or expanding yourself to be lovable or worthy. In narcissistic abuse recovery, we work toward the belief that:  "The right people won’t find me too much. They’ll find me inspiring, honest, brave, and authentically amazing. You deserve relationships where your depth is welcomed and never, ever rejected. Your tears were never too loud, your joy was never too overwhelming, and your boundaries were never too dramatic/unreasonable. You deserve to be fully known, fully seen, fully heard, fully understood, and fully loved. And what you don't deserve is being with someone who doesn't deserve you. Ready to Take Up Space Again? Join Me For Narcissistic Abuse Therapy in Chicago, IL I offer virtual treatment for narcissism, narcissistic abuse, attachment trauma, couples challenges, and family conflict. Reach out when you're feeling ready to reclaim your full emotional range and stop shrinking to fit a mold that was never meant for you. Virtual Narcissistic Abuse Recovery Therapy, EMDR for Narcissistic Abuse, Couples Therapy, Family Therapy & More in Chicago, Illinois If you’re looking for therapeutic support, learn more about my Narcissistic Abuse Recovery services: Narcissistic Abuse Therapy: https://www.twolightstherapy.com/narcissistic-abuse-therapy EMDR for Narcissistic Abuse: https://www.twolightstherapy.com/emdr-for-narcissistic-abuse Narcissistic Abuse Intensive Sessions: https://www.twolightstherapy.com/narcissistic-abuse-intensives Therapy for Attachment Styles: https://www.twolightstherapy.com/attachment-styles-therapy Couples Therapy for Attachment Challenges: https://www.twolightstherapy.com/couples-therapy-for-attachment-styles   Explore my website to see all treatment options. Two Lights Therapy Center PLLC | Chicago, Illinois. Narcissistic Abuse Recovery Therapy & Narcissistic Personality Treatment Please Note: The information provided in these blog posts is for informational and educational purposes only. It is not intended to be a substitute for professional therapy or therapeutic services. While licensed psychotherapists write these blogs, readers should not use this content as a replacement for individualized advice or treatment. If you are experiencing a crisis or need immediate assistance, please call 911 or contact other emergency services in your area.

Anxious-Preoccupied Attachment: You're Not "Too Much"—You're Hurting It has taken me too long to write about my anxious-preoccupied buddies! APs, you are seen, and your stories matter. We’ve talked a lot about our more avoidant friends, but today this blog will explore the more outwardly anxious part of the spectrum. Folks with anxious-preoccupied attachment styles are often accused of being “clingy,” “too much,” or “too sensitive,” and these labels can cause a great deal of shame (and even self-hatred). These judgments often miss the mark entirely as they fail to recognize the reality of what is being witnessed and the early attachment trauma that caused this reaction. While the internet loves to joke about the people who double-text or spiral when someone takes hours to reply, your anxiety isn’t a punchline. It’s a response to relational wounds, and it deserves compassion, not shame. Therapy can help you find your way back to a more secure version of yourself. Do not give up hope! A Hidden Cost of Anxious Attachment: Chronic Self-Abandonment You scan for signs of disconnection, distress, and disinterest…and you prioritize the needs of others, twisting and changing yourself into whatever shape keeps love from leaving or slipping away. You wonder if you were chill enough, cool enough, perfect enough, smart enough…if maybe they’d care more. As you wonder, change, serve, and observe, something is getting lost. In trying not to lose the relationship, you lose yourself. At the center of this attachment style, we find lots of self-abandonment. Where we find the self-abandonment, we will also find some sort of low self-esteem. Until we can love ourselves, loving others in a healthy way can be nearly impossible, and finding healthy love can seem daunting. Anxious-Preoccupied Attachment & Narcissistic Abuse: Why the Common Pairing? Are narcissistic folks drawn to anxious-preoccupied individuals? Well…it is not quite that simple. While you may have heard this said, the reality is that it works both ways. Narcissistic partners are often drawn to people (and even secretly admire people) who are highly emotional, intuitive, and eager to please. Anxious-preoccupied individuals are often drawn to people who make them “work” for love. On a quest to finally be “chosen”, anxious-preoccupied folks will often unconsciously be drawn to someone who poses a challenge. Why might narcissistic individuals intentionally select an anxious partner? Because APs often give the benefit of the doubt. They over-function, over-explain, apologize often, and internalize blame just to preserve the bond. They don’t often demand accountability, and they certainly do not often challenge someone if they think it might mean abandonment. Narcissistic abuse can thrive in this dynamic because the fears of abandonment keep APs feeling “hooked” even when being emotionally starved and bruised.  You may feel like you’re the problem and the cause of all chaos. You're not. You’re just playing out a nervous system pattern that formed long before this relationship ever began. That said, the last shreds of your peace and happiness will not last long if we do not face what’s happening inside. It's not so much about the specific person who is (right now) making you feel rejected or small. This wound is much older. You Deserve More Than Breadcrumbs & Broken Promises Healing from anxious-preoccupied attachment doesn’t mean becoming avoidant. It means becoming secure. It means learning how to stay connected to yourself even when someone else pulls away. It means not abandoning yourself for the sake of being chosen. It means recognizing that love should feel safe, not scary. It means coming home to yourself and choosing yourself instead of needing to feel chosen by someone else. Therapy for Anxious Attachment & Narcissistic Abuse Recovery If this hits home, reach out today for specialized therapy that can help you: Identify the origin of your attachment learnings  Identify the beliefs driving your anxious-preoccupied attachment Rebuild trust and self-love within yourself Heal after narcissistic relationships and experiences. Virtual Narcissistic Abuse Recovery Therapy in Chicago, Illinois If you’re looking for therapeutic support, learn more about my Narcissistic Abuse Recovery services in Chicago: Narcissistic Abuse Therapy: https://www.twolightstherapy.com/narcissistic-abuse-therapy EMDR for Narcissistic Abuse: https://www.twolightstherapy.com/emdr-for-narcissistic-abuse Narcissistic Abuse Intensive Sessions: https://www.twolightstherapy.com/narcissistic-abuse-intensives Therapy for Attachment Styles: https://www.twolightstherapy.com/attachment-styles-therapy Couples Therapy for Attachment Challenges: https://www.twolightstherapy.com/couples-therapy-for-attachment-styles   Two Lights Therapy Center PLLC | Chicago, Illinois. Narcissistic Abuse Recovery Therapy & Narcissistic Personality Treatment Please Note: The information provided in these blog posts is for informational and educational purposes only. It is not intended to be a substitute for professional therapy or therapeutic services. While licensed psychotherapists write these blogs, readers should not use this content as a replacement for individualized advice or treatment. If you are experiencing a crisis or need immediate assistance, please call 911 or contact other emergency services in your area.

Couples Therapy for Narcissistic Abuse: A Complex Consideration & Dilemma You might really want your relationship to work, even if your partner seems narcissistic. I get it—I really do. I've even been there myself. Even though you recognize the signs of narcissistic abuse, you might remember a time when things weren’t so bad . You actually might remember a time when things seemed pretty great. Most people in narcissistic relationships, at some point, will ask themselves these questions: Could couples therapy help us? Maybe more specialized therapy might help me understand how to better manage this dynamic? Could we repair things if we just had better communication or relationship tools? Hoping is not a crime. The problem is, it can hold you back from the reality of your situation. The truth is that in the vast majority of cases, couples therapy is a bad idea when narcissistic abuse is present. And not only is it a bad idea, it’s a very bad idea and can actually make things much, much worse. But don’t stop reading here—there are exceptions to this rule , and while they are rare, it’s important to consider certain key details. As a therapist specializing in narcissistic abuse recovery and narcissistic personality treatment here in Chicago, I’ve seen how couples therapy can cause more harm than good if not carried out with extreme caution. That said, I have also helped a handful of couples reduce the levels of antagonism in their relationships when separating was not an option ( and it’s important to remember that leaving is NOT always an option for everyone ).  This blog post will explore: Why couples therapy is usually contraindicated in narcissistic abuse cases How couples therapy can become a playground for more antagonism  The rare situations where couples therapy might  be beneficial How some manifestations of lighter narcissistic traits differ from full blown narcissistic personality disorder (NPD) How attachment patterns/backwards attachment learnings can complicate this work What truly trauma-informed, ethical therapists will consider before proceeding with couples therapy for narcissistic abuse  *Disclaimer: I am not suggesting that couples therapy is appropriate in all situations involving narcissistic abuse. Rather, this post is meant to support informed, harm-reducing choices for those who are already considering this option and to encourage a level of clinical care that fully acknowledges the risks and complexities involved. Why Couples Therapy Is a Bad Idea Probably 99% of the Time It’s important to understand that narcissistic abuse is not a communication problem, and it’s also not just a “toxic” or classically difficult relationship. It’s a much more pervasive pattern of overt/covert antagonism, coercive control, manipulation, gaslighting, blame-shifting, invalidation, and idealization/devaluation.  In couples therapy, narcissistic partners often: Manipulate the therapist to appear reasonable or even charming while undermining the survivor Attempt to dominate the space (or even scare the therapist) if they find that they can’t manipulate the therapist Use the therapy space to further gaslight, belittle, or control their partner Shift blame, complicate the dynamic further, and avoid accountability Perform for the therapist to create confusion about what is really happening behind closed doors Even HIGHLY trained, HIGHLY skilled couples therapists can struggle to manage or understand these dynamics if they do not have a thorough background in narcissism and severe antagonistic relational patterns. For survivors, the risk is significant: couples therapy can re-traumatize them, worsen trauma bonds, make them feel more helpless/misunderstood, and/or create a false sense of hope that meaningful change is happening or possible when it is not. Narcissistic Traits vs. Narcissistic Personality Disorder It is only fair to mention that not everyone with narcissistic tendencies is abusive or incapable of change . Some people develop a tendency towards narcissistic behaviors after being raised by narcissistic or emotionally neglectful caregivers or after being in a long-term, abusive relationship. These learned behaviors are not always quite as fixed as a personality style or stable temperament. These traits can include: Difficulty tolerating vulnerability or intimacy Defensiveness when rejection or potential for pain is perceived  A limited ability to hold or explore perspectives that feel “too different” Hyper-focus on image and judgment Intermittent empathy, dependent on mood or context Key developmental periods avoided, it is possible to adopt narcissistic traits without them sinking in too deeply. When narcissistic traits arise solely from a later period of relational trauma (like living with a narcissistic person for a number of years & learning to “fight dirty” to match their tone), they can shift slightly over time with: Insight-oriented, trauma-informed individual therapy A genuine and persistent willingness to do deeper personal work Openness to relational therapy (building a healthy relationship with their therapist) Accountability and behavioral changes By contrast, Narcissistic Personality Disorder (NPD) involves a much more rigid, pervasive pattern of entitlement, exploitativeness, issues accessing empathy, and deeply ingrained superiority or victim narratives. In cases of full-blown NPD with active abuse, couples therapy is both ineffective and dangerous.  When Might Couples Therapy Help ( Rare Cases) ? There are rare cases where couples therapy can support healthier relational dynamics when narcissistic tendencies are present in one or both clients, but treatment is only appropriate under very specific conditions. Couples therapy may be cautiously considered when: The narcissistic partner is already in consistent individual therapy with a narcissism-competent therapist and intends to stay there long term They demonstrate genuine, measurable progress in accountability, empathy, distress tolerance, and emotional regulation The more narcissistic partner continuously displays efforts at true cooperation There is a clear willingness to explore attachment wounds and relational patterns without weaponizing the process The couples therapist is highly trained in working with narcissism and complex trauma Both partners have adequate individual support outside of their couple's work A thorough safety plan is created individually with the narcissistic client’s partner In these situations, couples therapy can: Help both partners better understand relational patterns and skills  Encourage vulnerability in healthy doses  Help the non-narcissistic partner identify when to walk away Support healthy boundary-setting (when applicable…boundaries do not typically work with very narcissistic folks) Address attachment dynamics in a more contained, skillful way Please keep in mind: these cases are the exception and not the rule. Damaging Narcissistic Behaviors vs. Emerging Defense Mechanisms It’s also important to understand that not every relationship involving intense conflict is a case of narcissistic abuse. Sometimes, couples get stuck in high-conflict, emotionally immature patterns/cycles where both partners: Fight dirty and fight to be “right” Struggle to tolerate vulnerability or repair that requires deeper discussions Engage in significant defensiveness, blaming, or avoidance These behaviors can feel extremely painful and mind-boggling, but they don’t always reflect an intentional pattern of abuse driven by narcissistic entitlement or exploitation. In some cases, what looks like narcissism may actually stem from: Unresolved attachment wounds or attachment trauma Defense mechanisms (learned behaviors from family dynamics or past relationships) Inability to regulate shame, fear, or distress When this is the case, and when both partners are willing to do their own individual work, therapy can sometimes help to shift or soften these patterns. However, if one partner shows consistent patterns of belittling, cruelty, betrayal, gaslighting, exploitation, calculated manipulation, and a lack of empathy, that then crosses the line into truly damaging narcissistic behavior. Again, couples therapy is unlikely to be safe or effective in these cases. Couples Therapy for Antagonistic Relationships: Harm Reduction In some relationships, often where separation is not currently an option due to: Children/pregnancy Financial constraints Religious beliefs Cultural pressures ...trauma-informed couples therapy can be used for harm reduction (in appropriate cases where infrequent narcissistic behaviors are mild to moderate and where clients intend to seek couples therapy elsewhere, regardless of warnings). In these cases, the goal is not necessarily “relationship repair” or reconciliation, but rather: Minimizing overt harm Educating Increasing clarity around boundaries Reducing cycles of escalation Supporting the survivor in recognizing relational realities Again, this type of work should only be undertaken by therapists who deeply understand: Gaslighting and reality distortion Trauma bonding Antagonistic dynamics Coercive control Intermittent reinforcement The unique needs of abuse survivors Without specialized training, couples therapists often risk doing more harm than good. How Attachment Patterns Can Complicate Couples Therapy Many survivors of narcissistic abuse carry attachment wounds that make them vulnerable to : Self-blame Overfunctioning in the relationship Considerable hope that the partner will finally change (one of these days...) Difficulty tolerating the idea of separating or leaving At the same time, narcissistic or antagonistic partners often have fearful/dismissive avoidant attachment styles that fuel: Emotional withdrawal Punitive behaviors Intimacy-phobia masked by control These patterns can create a highly volatile couples therapy dynamic if not carefully managed. Again, attachment-based therapy can be helpful only when: Both parties are very engaged in meaningful individual work The couples therapist is skilled in managing complex trauma and attachment injuries There is strong therapeutic containment to prevent reenactment in the therapy room What Ethical, Trauma-Informed Therapists Will Do A therapist competent in narcissistic abuse dynamics and antagonistic relationships will: Screen VERY, VERY carefully before agreeing to couples therapy (VERY!) Conduct thorough individual assessments of both partners Evaluate for safety, gaslighting, and any active abuse Set VERY clear boundaries around what will and will not be tolerated in sessions Interrupt when a narcissistic client begins being manipulative Stop the couple's work immediately if it becomes unsafe or re-traumatizing (and offer individual resources for both clients) Prioritize survivor empowerment and clarity, not simply prioritize “saving the relationship” Couples therapy should never become a playground for further abuse or distortion. An ethical therapist will name this dynamic clearly and take protective actions immediately if needed. Why I Take a Harm Reduction Approach to Couples Therapy in These Situations I’m very well aware that some people believe couples therapy for narcissistic abuse is unethical and that no narcissistic person can ever change. I can mostly respect these perspectives and understand why they exist. The risks are real, and many survivors have been harmed by inappropriate or poorly handled couples therapy. While I believe some clients with narcissistic tendencies are absolutely capable of change, I do my best to not encourage hope where there isn't any. That said, the reality is that many couples impacted by narcissistic traits will seek couples therapy anyway. And if they land in the office of a generalist therapist who doesn’t understand antagonistic relationships, narcissism, and the effects of antagonistic relational stress, the results can be devastating. Offering some amount of couples therapy to select, screened couples is harm reduction, not unlike providing condoms to teenagers. The goal isn’t to promote a particular outcome, but to acknowledge reality: some couples will pursue therapy anyway, and it’s better they do so with a specialist who can help minimize harm rather than with a generalist unaware of the risks. Again, this is why I approach this work from this harm reduction framework and view it through a harm reduction lens. I do not believe that couples therapy should be used to "save" abusive relationships. I do believe that, in very carefully selected cases (and with the right clinical containment), couples therapy can help: Prevent further harm Support clearer boundaries Offer important education Reduce volatility Clarify relational reality for both partners Someone needs to be available to provide this kind of informed, transparent care because the alternative is leaving vulnerable couples to therapy spaces that do not acknowledge or address the complex dynamics at play. For certain survivors, couples therapy also serves as a pivotal part of the reality-testing and grounding process. The therapeutic space can reveal patterns that are hard to fully grasp (or face) in private, and sometimes, the experience of seeing these horrifying dynamics unfold in front of a neutral party helps a survivor come to terms with the need to step away from the relationship. Self-determination is often imperative in these cases or survivors will return to the relationship (if pushed to leave before they are ready). Final Thoughts: Choose Couples Therapy Cautiously In These Situations If you’re navigating a relationship impacted by narcissistic behaviors, it’s essential to proceed with great care and caution. Yes, couples therapy is usually contraindicated and can be dangerous in these situations. If couples therapy is being considered, both partners should be engaged in ongoing, meaningful individual work, and the chosen therapist should have deep specialization in narcissistic abuse and relational trauma. For many survivors, individual therapy is the safest and most effective first step. It provides the space to: Process trauma & build self-trust Learn about narcissism Clarify what you truly want and need (values exploration) Heal attachment wounds Build internal strength before making major decisions If you’re unsure whether couples therapy is appropriate in your situation, I encourage you to seek consultation with a therapist who understands narcissistic abuse inside and out. At Two Lights Therapy, I offer individual therapy for narcissistic abuse recovery and consultation for clients and professionals navigating these complex dynamics. Virtual couples therapy for narcissistic abuse in Chicago may be available at my practice. If you’d like to explore what safe and effective therapy might look like for you, I welcome you to reach out by emailing: hello@twolightstherapy.com  or by visiting:   https://www.twolightstherapy.com/contact   Virtual Couples Therapy for Narcissistic Abuse in Chicago, IL If you’re looking for support, you can learn more about my Narcissistic Abuse Recovery services in Chicago: Narcissistic Abuse Therapy :   https://www.twolightstherapy.com/narcissistic-abuse-therapy EMDR for Narcissistic Abuse :   https://www.twolightstherapy.com/emdr-for-narcissistic-abuse Narcissistic Abuse Intensive Sessions :   https://www.twolightstherapy.com/narcissistic-abuse-intensives Related Blogs on Narcissistic Abuse: Signs it may be narcissistic abuse: https://www.twolightstherapy.com/post/signs-it-may-be-narcissistic-abuse-not-just-a-toxic-relationship What therapy is best for narcissistic abuse?: https://www.twolightstherapy.com/post/what-therapy-is-best-for-narcissistic-abuse How to break the trauma bond after narcissistic abuse: https://www.twolightstherapy.com/post/how-to-break-a-trauma-bond-after-narcissistic-abuse-why-it-takes-time-and-what-will-really-help Two Lights Therapy Center PLLC | Chicago, Illinois. Narcissistic Abuse Recovery Therapy Please Note: The information provided in these blog posts is for informational and educational purposes only. It is not intended to be a substitute for professional therapy or therapeutic services. While licensed psychotherapists write these blogs, readers should not use this content as a replacement for individualized advice or treatment. If you are experiencing a crisis or need immediate assistance, please call 911 or contact other emergency services in your area.

No one needs permission to leave an unhealthy or toxic relationship. Regardless of whether or not the emotional abuse you are experiencing is narcissistic in nature, you should consider the impact it’s having on your health (physically and mentally). If someone consistently makes you feel small, stupid, belittled, confused, insulted, frustrated, or exhausted…that’s reason enough to go. That said, it can be healing (in its own way) to understand the patterns you are witnessing. If the challenges you face in your relationship go beyond typical relationship ups and downs, it’s not unusual to want to know what it is you are up against. If you’ve been googling “what is narcissistic abuse” or exploring Reddit threads/YouTube videos/TikToks, or Reels, you may be coming to terms with the fact that your partner seems truly narcissistic. It is a tough pill to swallow. Narcissistic abuse is unique in its impacts, causing a chaos that is unimaginable unless you’ve been through it yourself. Not only is your self-worth impacted by this kind of abuse, but your very sense of self can get lost in the process (don’t worry, we can get it back). In this blog, we’ll explore a few signs of narcissistic abuse and how it differs from more classic toxicity. First, a note about labels Of course, not every difficult partner is a narcissist, and not every toxic relationship involves narcissistic abuse. While that needs to be said, I like to approach that disclaimer with caution. When you are being abused by a narcissist, you’re already unlikely to trust your own judgment, so being constantly reminded that “not everyone is a narcissist” isn’t always helpful. If your intuition is screaming at you, your concerns are unlikely to lack all validity. Narcissism exists on a continuum, with many people having a few narcissistic traits. If the following bullet points resonate, seek support from a narcissism specialist right away. Narcissistic abuse tends to involve: persistent, stable narcissistic traits (not just occasional “bad behavior” or arguments every so often), and a lack of accountability chronic, intentional gaslighting or tactics to intentionally cause confusion patterns of coercion, control, manipulation, and exploitation erosion of identity, autonomy, and reality over time 1. You experience chronic gaslighting and confusion Most relationships involve occasional misunderstandings, arguments, and what I like to call "agree-to-disagreements" (if you will). Narcissistic abuse feels different: You are told that your perceptions, feelings, or memories are wrong, even when they clearly are not. You may be been blamed for things you didn’t do or accused of being someone you’re not. You may feel "crazy" trying to make sense of constant contradictions and apparent lies. Important conversations or agreements are later denied, twisted, or ignored altogether. These are chronic efforts to disorient you and maintain power (not just miscommunications).   2. The narcissistic traits are persistent, not occasional Most people are occasionally selfish or defensive. We can all be jerks sometimes (if we are honest with ourselves). In narcissistically abusive relationships, certain narcissistic traits show up consistently and frequently across contexts: Entitlement: expecting special treatment, prioritization, and excessive admiration Lack of empathy: dismissing your pain, needs, and desires, while seeming to struggle to understand your perspective in any way (almost as if they cannot access empathy at all) Grandiosity: needing attention, superiority, and control Exploitativeness: using others for personal gain, social climbing, weaponizing cognitive-empathy or status Envy and competitiveness: undermining your successes, negging, ruining celebrations These patterns usually aren’t just situational and are actually stable parts of how this person operates within the context of relationships. 3. The relationship erodes your identity, not only your confidence One of the most painful and puzzling impacts of narcissistic abuse is the slow or sudden loss of self: You may no longer recognize who you are outside the relationship (or inside it, for that matter). Your preferences, values, friendships, hobbies, or passions may feel blurred or forgotten. You may doubt your ability to trust your own perceptions or make your own decisions. Your nervous system may feel stuck in fight/flight/freeze even after leaving, leaving you feeling “broken” or “difficult”. This level of identity disruption goes beyond typical relationship damage. It is often the hallmark of prolonged emotional and psychological abuse. 4. You feel trapped in an impossible double bind When narcissistic abuse is occurring, you can never win: If you assert a need, you are called selfish, difficult, or controlling. If you express distress or unhappiness, you are told you’re too sensitive or emotionally unstable. If you set boundaries, you are punished with the silent treatment or rage. If you comply, you lose yourself even further, and your deepest (and surface-level) needs go unmet. This results in a state of profound learned helplessness and self-doubt, where no choice feels safe, correct, or intuitively “right”. 5. You feel a deep need for clarity/understanding, yet remain confused about what is happening/has happened Even after leaving, survivors of narcissistic abuse often ruminate endlessly: "Was it really THAT bad?" “Should I try again?” “Should I take accountability for the things that I did “wrong" in our relationship?” "Am I the narcissist?" "Why can’t I just move on?" "Why do I feel so empty and lost?" “Is anyone even going to want to be around me? I’m such a mess.” "I'm probably annoying everyone with my problems...I shouldn't ask for support." This post-abuse confusion-spiral is common, and it speaks to the way narcissistic abuse targets your very sense of reality. Healing from Narcissistic Abuse begins with clarity If you recognize yourself in these patterns, know this: You didn’t imagine it. We believe you. You are not broken. The fact that you’re seeking understanding is a sign of strength, not weakness. Whether or not your partner would meet criteria for narcissistic personality disorder, the patterns you endured were real, and abuse is abuse. Seek support if you need it, and don't downplay what you've been through. It's excruciating, and you deserve peace and support. Virtual Narcissistic Abuse Recovery Therapy in Chicago, Illinois If you’re looking for support, you can learn more about my Narcissistic Abuse Recovery services in Chicago: Narcissistic Abuse Therapy: https://www.twolightstherapy.com/narcissistic-abuse-therapy EMDR for Narcissistic Abuse: https://www.twolightstherapy.com/emdr-for-narcissistic-abuse Narcissistic Abuse Intensive Sessions: https://www.twolightstherapy.com/narcissistic-abuse-intensives Two Lights Therapy Center PLLC | Chicago, Illinois. Narcissistic Abuse Recovery Therapy & Narcissistic Personality Treatment Please Note: The information provided in these blog posts is for informational and educational purposes only. It is not intended to be a substitute for professional therapy or therapeutic services. While licensed psychotherapists write these blogs, readers should not use this content as a replacement for individualized advice or treatment. If you are experiencing a crisis or need immediate assistance, please call 911 or contact other emergency services in your area.

Was this person a narcissist, or were they a dismissive avoidant? Are they a narcissist, or are they a fearful avoidant with a disorganized attachment style? Did early attachment trauma play a role in our dysfunction, or are they “weaponizing” their early experiences to justify their abusive behaviors? Was my own attachment style getting in the way of me showing up securely, or was I just being manipulated into feeling like I was the problem? Was I reactive in an incongruent way, or was my reaction to what seemed like verbal and emotional abuse a reasonable response? Was their explosiveness a sign of early wounds being triggered, or are they just…a jerk? Are they doing this on purpose? Are they a narcissist?? Am I? Do I need therapy…or do they? What is going on?! It’s natural to have a million questions swirling around in your skull when your relationship feels like a never-ending cycle of nonsense, exhaustion, drama, confusion, and pain. If these questions resonated with you, I invite you to reach out as my practice offers attachment-focused and narcissistic abuse therapy in Chicago. The reality is that narcissistic tendencies, fearful avoidant attachment styles, and dismissive avoidant attachment styles can all give rise to complex, traumatic, painful dynamics. And unfortunately, they often look similar on the surface. Both narcissistic traits and the behaviors associated with insecure attachment styles can result from early relational trauma. In fact, it is rumored that narcissistic personality disorder (and other cluster A, B, & C personality disorders) may be replaced in the next DSM with some kinds of attachment-trauma-focused diagnoses (maybe just a rumor!). People are complex! What we do know, and what is important to remember, is that intent matters—as does emotional tolerance and capacity for accountability. Therapy is a great place to explore your unique situation, but in this blog, we will explore 3 ways you can begin untangling the truth on your own.  Is It Narcissistic Abuse or Avoidant Attachment? Look at Why They Pulled Away... Avoidance is often the "answer" for many people, not just narcissists. Avoidance can be seen as an adaptive trait and a way of staying safe in early life. That said, people with narcissistic traits often withdraw in a calculated fashion to punish, provoke, or regain control of the dynamic. While “the silent treatment” is disorienting, in the moment, we have to be honest with ourselves about the real reason it might be being used (btw it's unacceptable regardless). Excess entitlement, blame, anger, bad-mouthing, and gaslighting (paired with this creation of distance) typically indicate some level of narcissism. Keep in mind, people can have narcissistic traits/tendencies without being a narcissist or having narcissistic personality disorder. Narcissistic folk are often allergic to accountability, and it can feel like they don’t even want an argument to end/to find closure because the tension gives them a sense of power. Your pain is their power. Dismissive avoidants, in contrast, often pull away because they feel very overwhelmed by your pain and their own. Emotional conversations and moments of intimacy can feel threatening, especially when they trigger unresolved shame, vulnerability, or feelings of defectiveness. When I say these moments “feel threatening”, I really mean it. Perceived conflict, genuinely and literally, FEELS threatening (to their nervous system). Their amygdala activation can be off the charts. This isn’t always logical, but it does not mean a dismissive avoidant person doesn’t genuinely feel afraid. I’ve heard my DA clients describe conflict as making them feel like they were going to “literally die”. Interesting, right? So all that said, dismissive avoidants often genuinely need more space to regulate, but that can certainly still leave us feeling abandoned. An excessive need for space does not typically foster the healthiest of relationships. DA's can work on distress tolerance in therapy to help with this. Fearful avoidants are more complex. Because they crave closeness and being seen/heard (but also fear it), their withdrawal is often a protest behavior to offer you a taste of what they are feeling or have felt in the past (done unconsciously). Their withdrawals may seem dramatic or confusing, but they’re usually driven by panic, emotional flooding, or self-protection, not necessarily a need/drive for power. Fearful avoidants are some of the deepest feelers and fastest emotional processors, making their experiences with conflict very complex. Narcissists and Avoidants Often Respond Differently to Your Pain. Is it Weaponized, Minimized, or Flat-Out Ignored? When you’ve shared that something they said or did to you hurt you, how did they respond? Narcissistic individuals are more likely to gaslight, blame-shift, and deny your reality. You might hear things like, "You're being dramatic," “You’re too sensitive,” “You are always twisting things,” or “This is why no one wants to deal with you.” Their goal is typically to protect their own ego, certainly not to repair the relationship or make you feel seen. Dismissive avoidants may also struggle to hold space for your pain—but it’s often not because they WANT to hurt you (but they absolutely still can). They might minimize your concerns or shut down, saying things like, “Can we not do this right now?,” “I didn’t mean it like that,” or “I don’t know what you want me to say.” It can feel invalidating and dismissive, but it’s usually not driven by cruelty. That said, it IS still driven by a need for control, and this is an important point to consider. It can be very challenging to build a relationship with someone who attempts to control you or the relationship by limiting moments of communication and connection to spare their solitude. Fearful avoidants, on the other hand,  might respond with tears, defensiveness, or mixed messages. They may apologize one moment, then push you away the next, continuing to defend themselves. Their reactions are often confusing because they’re highly dysregulated in moments of conflict. They are often trying to manage their own spiraling emotions while also fearing they’ve messed up and pushed you away for good. This can be very overwhelming for all involved, including the FA. Narcissistic Rage vs Fearful Avoidant Dysregulation: What’s the Difference? This is a tricky one. When conflict escalates, narcissists may become cruel. They’re more likely to mock, insult, blame-shift, or hit below the belt—especially if their shame is triggered (easy to do) and they feel threatened. This is known as narcissistic rage, and it’s a defensive reaction to ego injury (narcissistic injury). Dismissive avoidants, on the other hand, tend to shut down or disengage completely when conflict arises. They often avoid confrontation altogether or offer cold, rationalized responses. They may seem emotionally vacant, or they may actually vacate shared space (which can be exceptionally hurtful)—but it’s not typically intended as punishment. Fearful avoidants are more prone to big displays of emotional expression. Shame, fear, guilt, and anger may trigger moments of impulsivity. They may say some seriously hurtful things, then spiral into guilt or dissociation. While usually highly reactive, they don’t intentionally aim to destroy your self-esteem and instead are just desperate to be seen, heard, and understood. You are much more likely to see accountability taken (in a genuine way) by an FA vs. a narcissistic individual. That said, being in a relationship with an FA with limited self-awareness can be very challenging. Once fearful avoidants understand their patterns and start to "do the work", they can be absolutely wonderful partners given their amazing ability to feel and understand things so deeply. The same cannot be said for narcissistic individuals, unfortunately. Abuse Is Never Justified—Regardless of Any “Reason” You're Given Whether someone is narcissistic, leans heavily fearful avoidant, or leans heavily dismissive avoidant, none  of these challenges ever excuse abusive behavior. Understanding someone's attachment style or potential personality disorder can provide some clarity, but the knowledge should never be used to justify harmful behavior. You deserve relationships that feel safe, reciprocal, and respectful. If someone continually avoids you, yells at you, harms you, confuses you, or makes you feel like you’re “too much,” you’re allowed to walk away—even if they have trauma of their own. If you’re unsure what you’re experiencing—or feel like you're constantly second-guessing yourself—we're here to help.  Narcissistic Abuse Therapy, Chicago, IL Learn about our narcissistic personality & narcissistic abuse recovery services at Two Lights Therapy Center PLLC : https://www.twolightstherapy.com/ Want to book a session with a therapist who specializes in narcissistic abuse therapy?  Virtual Sessions for survivors can be scheduled by emailing: hello@twolightstherapy.com  or by visiting:   https://www.twolightstherapy.com/contact     Two Lights Therapy Center PLLC | Chicago, Illinois Narcissistic Abuse Recovery Specialist & Licensed Psychotherapist Please Note: The information provided in these blog posts is for informational and educational purposes only. It is not intended to be a substitute for professional therapy or therapeutic services. While these blogs are written by licensed psychotherapists, readers should not use this content as a replacement for individualized advice or treatment. If you are experiencing a crisis or need immediate assistance, please call 911 or contact other emergency services in your area.

During or after narcissistic abuse, finding the right support is everything. While there are many well-meaning therapists eager to support you, not all are equipped with the proper tools and training to understand the unique challenges, triggers, and dynamics that survivors face. Even some of the most tried and true supports and modalities (that work for a variety of mental health challenges) can cause significant damage to individuals who have been impacted by narcissism. Why? Because being “narcissistically abused” is not a diagnosis. Most of the time, reactions to narcissistic abuse are congruent, understandable adaptations, not symptoms to be pathologized. So, what kinds of therapy are best for narcissistic abuse (while being safe and actually helpful)? It’s an important question. **Disclaimer: This blog should not deter you from seeking support. The right therapist is out there! I know it's hard to find the right fit, but don't give up. You've got this. Not All Therapy Is Created Equal Many generalist therapists are trained to treat anxiety, depression, or relationship issues with a one-size-fits-most approach. These approaches are awesome for, let’s say, generalized anxiety disorder, because they are backed by evidence and shown to work! Here’s the catch—the responses and challenges that arise from narcissistic abuse have been proven to be different from anxiety disorders/major depressive disorder in many, many ways. In fact, the effects of narcissistic abuse have the most overlap with the symptoms of PTSD, but there is still a large portion of the effects that do not overlap with ANY other current criteria. Wild, right? The point is, the unique effects of narcissistic abuse are underemphasized and underrepresented in the current literature.   Narcissistic abuse is not just something that arises from your garden-variety “toxic relationship”. Survivors are often so badly gaslit, traumatized, and invalidated that their very sense of reality is completely crushed. Approaching that kind of trauma with certain “standard” therapies can cause more harm than good. Some therapists might not like to admit that, but it's objectively true. In fact, survivors are often retraumatized when a therapist fails to recognize: The role of covert manipulation, trauma-bonds, charisma, and charm The pervasive shame survivors carry for “falling for it” The patterns of self-blame, residual love, rumination, chronic second-guessing The danger of pushing for reconciliation or “shared responsibility” The Best Therapy for Narcissistic Abuse? Relational, Trauma-Informed, and Specialized To recover from narcissistic abuse, you need more than coping skills or reframed thoughts. You need a space where your experiences are truly understood, and where you don’t have to prove, defend, or justify the impact of this kind of relational trauma.  Look for a therapist who offers: 1. Attachment-Based, Relational Therapy Healing does not happen in a vacuum. You need a therapist who knows how to build a safe, attuned connection with their clients. Rapport is everything. While there is a time and place for the blank-slate, blunt therapist who only periodically peaks out from behind clinical neutrality, this is not it! The therapeutic relationship itself becomes a corrective experience, especially when trust and vulnerability have been weaponized in the past. 2. Trauma-Informed Treatment You may have heard the term “trauma-informed” tossed around. But what does it mean? Trauma-informed, in this case, means your therapist understands how abuse rewires the nervous system, erodes identity, and keeps you in a survival state. A trauma-informed lens also helps guide the pace of therapy (keeping things feel gentle and respectful) so that you don’t feel pushed, pathologized, or misunderstood. Trauma-informed therapists are also open to exploring the therapeutic relationship in a way that allows for your attachment trauma to show up safely in sessions (even when big emotions are directed at your therapist). 3. Expertise in Narcissistic Abuse Okay, yeah, this is a shameless self-plug. But seriously, this is non-negotiable. I have seen a devastating amount of harm caused by therapists (especially couples therapists—but no shade) who weren’t adequately prepared to deal with narcissistic dynamics. You need a therapist who not only understands narcissistic dynamics but understands narcissistic dynamics on a DEEP level. Just having the language (gaslighting, future-faking, trauma-bonding, love bombing, breadcrumbing) isn’t enough. Your therapist must appear to know what these dynamics look/feel like, and should be someone who doesn’t mistake emotional withdrawal for healthy boundaries or spiritual bypassing for “high road” behavior. 4.) Other Kinds of Therapy That Tend to Work Well for Narcissistic Abuse Survivors Parts Work/Internal Family Systems Therapy for Narcissistic Abuse EMDR Therapy for Narcissistic Abuse Coherence Therapy Somatic Therapies Therapies focused on the impact of domestic violence Therapies for Childhood Trauma Survivors  Why Survivors Need a Specialized Approach Survivors almost always feel shame. “Why didn’t I leave sooner?” “How did I not see it?” “What’s wrong with me?” You don’t need a therapist who rushes you to “let go and move on.” You don’t want a therapist who helps you see how you “invited” the abuse (I hated even writing that). You need someone who understands, helping you to rebuild self-trust SLOWLY by honoring the ways your nervous system was hijacked and honoring any feelings you still have for your abuser. The right therapy helps you: Name the manipulation without minimizing it or self-blaming Reclaim your identity, intuition, voice, and life Understand what has happened to you Feel safe enough to stop over-explaining yourself Recognize red flags without second-guessing yourself Final Thoughts: You Deserve More Than Generic Support If you’ve experienced narcissistic abuse, please know: it wasn’t your fault, and you’re not “too much” or a burden for needing this level of care. Recovery is real, but it starts by finding the right kind of therapy and the right kind of therapist. Don’t settle for someone who treats this like just another breakup or a projection of your insecurities. Find someone who gets it. Frequently Asked Questions About Therapy for Narcissistic Abuse How do I know if my therapist understands narcissistic abuse? Ask them directly. A knowledgeable therapist should be familiar with narcissistic abuse terms, but they should also be able to confidently explain how they approach treatment for narcissistic abuse specifically. They should never  minimize your experience, normalize the behaviors, push for forgiveness prematurely (or at all, frankly), or imply mutual blame in cases of emotional abuse. Why is trauma-informed therapy so important for survivors? Because narcissistic abuse is a form of relational trauma. It impacts your nervous system, identity, and sense of safety in life and in relationships. Trauma-informed therapy helps you process what has happened without it being retraumatizing. Is EMDR or somatic therapy helpful for narcissistic abuse? Yes, but only in the right context. EMDR and somatic work are powerful options, but they must be integrated carefully within a relational framework. Processing trauma too fast or in the wrong environment (one that doesn’t yet feel safe) can actually worsen symptoms. The relationship with your therapist still matters most. What if I feel ashamed for not leaving sooner? Will my therapist judge me? This fear is incredibly common. Narcissistic abuse uses cycles of hope, fear, and confusion to keep you paralyzed. The right therapy will help you stop blaming yourself and start understanding the nervous system adaptations that helped you survive. How long does it take to recover from narcissistic abuse? Ah yes—the question we all want answered. Unfortunately, there’s no set timeline. (I know, don’t hate me.) Recovery depends a lot on your support system, the length of time you were abused, and the quality of therapy you receive.  Ready to Work with a Narcissism Specialist? I’m a Chicago-based therapist who specializes in narcissistic abuse recovery. I use an integrative, relational, attachment-focused approach with EMDR when appropriate. If this sounds like what you're looking for,  reach out here . Narcissistic Abuse Therapy: https://www.twolightstherapy.com/narcissistic-abuse-therapy Narcissistic Abuse Intensives: https://www.twolightstherapy.com/narcissistic-abuse-intensives EMDR for Narcissistic Abuse: https://www.twolightstherapy.com/emdr-for-narcissistic-abuse Therapy for Antagonistic Relationship Challenges: https://www.twolightstherapy.com/therapy-for-antagonistic-relationships Two Lights Therapy Center PLLC | Chicago, Illinois. Narcissistic Abuse Recovery Therapy Please Note: The information provided in these blog posts is for informational and educational purposes only. It is not intended to be a substitute for professional therapy or therapeutic services. While licensed psychotherapists write these blogs, readers should not use this content as a replacement for individualized advice or treatment. If you are experiencing a crisis or need immediate assistance, please call 911 or contact other emergency services in your area.

What Is an Antagonistic Dismissive Avoidant? While “antagonistic dismissive avoidant” is not a diagnosis or commonly used clinical term, it is a crucial one to keep in mind, given that not all dismissive avoidants are created equal. Not every dismissive avoidant individual is outwardly aggressive; in fact, most are not! Many avoidants actually tend to appease or placate, not because they’re secure, but because they fear conflict or criticism. These individuals might seem calm, collected, and cooperative on the surface, even people-pleasing (while still experiencing the same dismissive avoidant fears of failure). But there's a more volatile “subtype” (if you will) to consider that’s often misunderstood: the antagonistic dismissive avoidant . The way to think about antagonistic avoidants is to consider everything else you’ve learned about avoidants and then add more anger and spice. This type of avoidant doesn’t simply distance themselves or ask for space—they aggressively push you away. They become increasingly cold, cutting, judgmental, and even cruel as the relationship deepens and becomes more intimate. What starts as an uncomfortable distancing can evolve into outright antagonism. You may even start to feel as though you are being punished by the person (which, I think, is what makes many people consider the narcissism spectrum). Their avoidant attachment alarm system sees your closeness as a threat to their emotional safety, independence/autonomy, livelihood, and even to their more general sense of control. For example, they may begin to believe your presence is interfering with their work, their travels, their hobbies, and their other relationships (even when you are not). They feel stuck, and they decide you are the problem. Even... "the bad guy". Dismissive Avoidant vs Narcissist: What’s the Difference? Does it Matter? From the outside, it can be incredibly hard to tell the difference between a narcissist and an antagonistic dismissive avoidant. Both may: Devalue you over time, making you feel like the problem Blame you for “ruining” the relationship or “complicating” things React with disproportionate rage or contempt when “boundaries” are questioned Shut down or explode when asked to communicate or connect emotionally But the underlying drivers  are different. A narcissist  seeks to control, coerce, and find superiority through antagonism in order to manage deep shame and internalized rage. Studies have found that abusers do recognize their actions as cruel and harmful on some level. Causing you pain makes narcissistic people feel more powerful and at ease, even when they know "in theory" that what they are doing is wrong. An antagonistic dismissive avoidant  lashes out because they feel engulfed, overstimulated, and overwhelmed by intimacy, even if they initiated the relationship or idealized you at first. They often don’t understand that what they are doing is truly cruel because they feel you should be able to “man up” or “just leave” just like they’ve had to do all their own life to survive. Their hostility develops as a response to a fear of losing themselves, not necessarily a need to dominate or cause pain. Unfortunately, I may now confirm one of your worst suspicions: With most types of antagonistic individuals, they do view your vulnerability as "weakness". By viewing you in this way, they can further justify their own behaviors. Their entire lives, they have been warned (literally and more subtly) of "weakness". When you (understandably) begin to struggle to maintain a secure attachment (GEE, I wonder why!), antagonistic dismissive avoidants use this as evidence of a "bad match". Regardless of the “why”, antagonistic individuals (narcissists or antagonistic avoidants) are not what we’d call “safe people”. The proof is in the patterns. Whether they are a “narcissist” doesn’t really matter at the end of the day if the outcome and pain you endure are the same. As difficult as it is to walk away, it’s important to begin considering it. If you've been discarded, seek safe support as soon as possible. Trauma isn't just what happens during a relationship, but also what happens after. The Cycle: Idealization → Resentment → Explosion → Discard In the early stages, antagonistic dismissive avoidants might seem charming, grounded, or even like “the calm one.” Once the relationship becomes more intimate or expectations arise, they often start to resent you, not because you’ve done anything wrong , but because your presence threatens their carefully constructed emotional "boundaries" (BLOCKAGES). That wall is there for a reason! And they don't want you knocking it down (which is necessary for true intimacy). That resentment festers. They may begin to criticize you, withdraw affection, or act passive-aggressively. Eventually, the tension turns to terror, ironically, in both you AND the avoidant as they feel deeply disturbed by conflict (yes, even when they’ve caused it). These individuals can erupt suddenly and cruelly, saying devastating things, accusing you of “ruining their life,” or framing you as the unstable one. This is often the moment of discard, and it is not followed by regret or repair. They may give you the silent treatment, ghost, stonewall, or completely cut off contact, hoping that their final outburst was enough to push you away for good. These sudden discards are especially common after vacations, family events, weddings, birthdays, or even deaths. All of the aforementioned are typically emotionally charged, and these milestones mark progress that the avoidant does not want to witness. Why Antagonistic Avoidants Are Often Misdiagnosed as Narcissists Many survivors walk away from these relationships wondering, " Was I with a narcissist?" It's a valid question, especially when the behavior was so dehumanizing and makes you feel like you’re losing it.  Here’s the nuance: not all inconsistent or emotionally harmful partners are narcissists. Some people are just jerks. Others are acting from a deeply wired fear response. That doesn’t excuse their behavior, but it helps you understand why  it happened. It also shows you why trying to change them only seemed to make things worse, and it helps you understand that recognizing and labeling avoidance is not the quick fix you'd hoped for. Healing After a Relationship with an Antagonistic Dismissive Avoidant If you're recovering from a relationship like this, you’re not alone (and you're not “crazy”). These dynamics are emotionally destabilizing because the whiplash (from calm to cruel) truly violates your nervous system’s sense of safety and logic. As a Chicago therapist who specializes in narcissistic abuse and complex attachment trauma, I help clients examine what happened and process trauma, without pathologizing or staying stuck in endless rumination. Final Thoughts: Narcissist or Antagonistic Dismissive Avoidant? The Behavior Still Hurts Whether your partner was narcissistic, avoidant, or somewhere in between, what matters most are the persistent patterns and how they made you feel . Abuse is abuse, even when it's subtle, or even when it's framed as “just needing more space & peace.” You deserve relationships that feel safe and where the effort is mutual. Looking for a narcissistic abuse therapist in Chicago, Illinois? I offer virtual therapy for survivors of narcissistic relationships, high-conflict breakups, and attachment trauma. Reach out through   my website  to learn more. Narcissistic Abuse Therapy: https://www.twolightstherapy.com/narcissistic-abuse-therapy Narcissistic Abuse Intensives: https://www.twolightstherapy.com/narcissistic-abuse-intensives EMDR for Narcissistic Abuse: https://www.twolightstherapy.com/emdr-for-narcissistic-abuse Therapy for Antagonistic Relationship Challenges: https://www.twolightstherapy.com/therapy-for-antagonistic-relationships Two Lights Therapy Center PLLC | Chicago, Illinois. Narcissistic Abuse Recovery & Complex Attachment Trauma Specialists Please Note: The information provided in these blog posts is for informational and educational purposes only. It is not intended to be a substitute for professional therapy or therapeutic services. While licensed psychotherapists write these blogs, readers should not use this content as a replacement for individualized advice or treatment. If you are experiencing a crisis or need immediate assistance, please call 911 or contact other emergency services in your area.

For a number of people, when the word “abuse” is uttered, their immediate thoughts are of something loud, violent, and obvious. Maybe when we think of narcissistic abuse, we are initially reminded of manipulation, gaslighting, and the emotional volatility that often accompanies narcissistic relationships. But for many survivors, some of the deepest wounds are the silent ones—the isolation, the self-hatred, the judgment, and the internal war between love and pain. The cognitive dissonance and these invisible struggles are often overlooked, leaving survivors feeling even more alone than ever before. When we don’t acknowledge some of these other infinitely complex experiences many have in narcissistic relationships, they become ever more taboo. Let’s talk about them today to hopefully decrease some of the stigma.  Narcissistic Abuse and Isolation: Why Survivors Feel So Alone Narcissistic individuals tend to isolate their targets (subtly or overtly) as a means of controlling them and the narrative. They may sow doubt about “toxic” friends or family who  CLEARLY want to sabotage “our special relationship”. They may also monopolize time and energy, punishing any attempt at independence or autonomy. Over time, survivors often begin to question their own instincts and their own ability to judge character. It is not uncommon to see survivors of abuse withdraw from those close to them, unsure of whom they can trust anymore.  But the isolation doesn’t end there. Even after opening up, many survivors find that their support systems don’t truly understand what they’ve been going through. Their friends and family members might question them in ways that evoke shame, or worse—they may even blame them for staying.  "Why Don’t You Just Leave?": When Empathy Turns Into Judgment One of the most painful experiences for survivors is being met with confusion or frustration upon their disclosure of the abuse. Well-meaning friends or family members may ask: “Oh my gosh! Why didn’t you just TELL me?,” or "Why didn’t you just leave?," or  “What are you DOING? You’re better than this!," or "Wait, you're STAYING with them???" ...without realizing how trauma bonds and fears of retaliation can keep someone trapped in an abusive relationship indefinitely. This lack of understanding can lead to further isolation. Feeling pressured, forced, or coerced (once again), survivors may decide it’s best to not disclose any more information or provide any updates. They’ll often retreat inward (both physically and emotionally), ashamed that they didn’t leave sooner, or ashamed that they still feel love for the person who hurts them. Still Loving Your Abuser: The Grief No One Talks About in Narcissistic Relationships Let's talk about it. It’s very possible to both deeply love someone and be deeply hurt by them again and again. If this sounds highly unusual to you, be glad you cannot understand and offer grace even when you do not relate. Many survivors grieve not just the relationship but the person they thought  their partner could be or would be. Narcissistic abuse often includes intermittent reinforcement (partial reward schedules)—periods of love, charm, and connection that keep survivors hooked and hopeful.  More specifically, many narcissistic partners do something called “future-faking”—making grand promises about marriage, children, or a beautiful shared future—to keep survivors emotionally invested, even when they typically have no real intention of following through. These push-pull dynamics create powerful psychological bonds that are as real as any physical trap or snare you can imagine. Survivors may feel ashamed of their lingering love, especially if others around them are aggressively urging them to move on. Healing doesn’t mean shutting off those feelings of love. It means learning to hold them with compassion (but not letting them hold you back) and honoring your experience without shame or self-judgment. Survivors Deserve Compassion—Not Silence or Judgment If you are trying to heal after or during narcissistic abuse, know this: your feelings are valid, and you have a right to support. If you’ve reached out for support before and were met with emotionally immature criticisms, recognize that their reaction is not about you. Frankly, many well-intentioned people are honestly very bad at offering the right support. (I often think about a meme where a girl said her mom’s go-to advice for any emotional challenges was just, “go outside and eat a banana.” It makes me laugh because it’s such a perfect example of someone wanting to help—but completely missing the mark.) The confusion, the grief, the isolation—it’s all real. You don’t have to justify your pain to anyone. At Two Lights Therapy Center PLLC , we specialize in narcissistic abuse therapy for survivors. We’re here to help if you haven’t yet been able to find safe support.  Learn about our narcissistic personality & narcissistic abuse therapy services: Want to get scheduled with a therapist who specializes in narcissism? Virtual Sessions for survivors can be scheduled by emailing: hello@twolightstherapy.com  or by visiting:   https://www.twolightstherapy.com/contact       Two Lights Therapy Center PLLC | Chicago, Illinois Narcissistic Abuse Recovery Therapist Please Note: The information provided in these blog posts is for informational and educational purposes only. It is not intended to be a substitute for professional therapy or therapeutic services. While these blogs are written by licensed psychotherapists, readers should not use this content as a replacement for individualized advice or treatment. If you are experiencing a crisis or need immediate assistance, please call 911 or contact other emergency services in your area.

The Importance of Using Strategic Language to Protect Your Credibility and Communicate Effectively in Court The temptation to describe your ex as a narcissist to drive home the severity of what you or your family have endured is completely understandable. Whether you’re navigating a high-conflict divorce, a custody battle, or some kind of nightmare contested will situation, you’re likely ripping your own hair out at this point, wanting to scream your truth from the rooftops. When you’ve been subjected to unbelievable levels of manipulation, gaslighting, or coercive control, the word narcissist  may feel like the only one that truly captures your pain and paints the right picture. However, in legal settings, the very language that feels validating and that you usually use to describe the narcissistic abuse can actually work against you. Let’s explore why it’s better to avoid using the term “narcissist” in court—and what you might want to say instead (but ask your lawyer first!). DISCLAIMER: THIS IS NOT LEGAL ADVICE. This post is NOT written by a lawyer—just a therapist who’s seen sh!t go sideways fast when certain words get tossed around in court. Always talk to your attorney before making any big legal moves. Seriously. :) Why Calling Your Ex (Or Anyone!) a “Narcissist” in Court Can Hurt Your Legal Case While your ex may display narcissistic traits or even meet criteria for narcissistic personality disorder, labeling them as a “narcissist” or “NPD” in court can come across as speculative or emotionally charged. Courts want facts, not diagnoses—especially from non-clinicians. Unless you are an expert witness, you are unlikely to benefit from using this kind of language. You don’t want to come across as “hysterical” —a loaded, outdated term/label that’s been weaponized against women for centuries to dismiss valid emotional responses. I hate even using the word in this blog, but unfortunately, the courtroom still isn’t always kind to people who show strong feelings, no matter how justified they may be. Instead of labeling or becoming dysregulated, describe the patterns of antagonistic relational behavior that have impacted your well-being, safety, relationship, or co-parenting dynamic. Use terms like: “coercive control” “intentional manipulation” “ongoing antagonistic relational stress” “frequent intimidation” For Example: Rather than saying: “He’s a narcissist who always blame-shifts, manipulates our child, and twists the truth!” You might say: “There’s a long-standing pattern of coercive control, where he distorts past events and pressures our child to be dishonest and hide communication from me.” This communicates the same issue, but in a way that courts take more seriously. Using Terms Like “Narcissistic Abuse“ Can Undermine Your Credibility in High-Conflict Cases The terms “narcissist” , "gaslighting", "trauma bond" , and “narcissistic abuse” have become so common in pop culture/pop psychology that courts may see them as a red flag for personal bias, not evidence. The unfortunate reality is that these words/terms have been diluted and watered down by the media. If you use the word casually or repeatedly, it can make you look vindictive, emotionally reactive, or even unwilling to co-parent appropriately/cooperatively. Even when your concerns are completely valid, your message can get lost (I know it sucks—I'm sorry!). Judges and legal professionals are more likely to listen if you present concrete, behavior-based examples using neutral, descriptive terms like: “chronic and constant disregard for parenting agreements” “pattern of emotional volatility and abusive behaviors” “intimidating communication style” “ongoing relational aggression” “persistent relational conflict and antagonism affecting our child” This shifts the focus away from blame and intention and toward the actual impact on you or your family. How to Talk About Narcissistic Behaviors Without Using THAT Word You can  still easily describe narcissistic dynamics using observable, provable behaviors and relational impact.  Instead of... Try saying... “She’s a narcissist who gaslights me constantly.” “There’s a repeated pattern of minimizing my concerns and denying events that I recall clearly.” “He’s emotionally abusive and selfish.” “He often uses threats and guilt to control parenting decisions, which creates a hostile environment for our child.” “They’re a narcissist and lie constantly.” “There’s ongoing relational stress due to frequent dishonesty and refusal to share accurate information with me or the court.” These phrases still capture the dysfunction and frustration, but in a way that the legal system can utilize, understand, and respect. A Gentle Reminder: Your Feelings Are 100% Valid Being told not to use the word “narcissist”  in court doesn’t invalidate your experience. It protects it. The goal is not to silence, tone-police, or moderate you, but to equip you with language that actually holds weight in the legal system. The words you choose in court can be a tool, not just for justice, but for reclaiming your own power. If you’ve been subjected to coercive control, chronic relational stressors, emotional abuse, and other forms of antagonism, you deserve support. Learn about our narcissistic personality & narcissistic abuse recovery services at Two Lights Therapy Center PLLC: https://www.twolightstherapy.com/ Want to book a session with a therapist who specializes in narcissistic abuse therapy? Virtual Sessions for survivors can be scheduled by emailing: hello@twolightstherapy.com  or by visiting:   https://www.twolightstherapy.com/contact     Two Lights Therapy Center PLLC | Chicago, Illinois Narcissistic Abuse Recovery Therapy & EMDR Trained Psychotherapist Please Note: The information provided in these blog posts is for informational and educational purposes only. It is not intended to be a substitute for professional therapy or therapeutic services. While these blogs are written by licensed psychotherapists, readers should not use this content as a replacement for individualized advice or treatment. If you are experiencing a crisis or need immediate assistance, please call 911 or contact other emergency services in your area.

If you've ever typed “what is narcissistic abuse syndrome” or “therapy for post-narcissist stress disorder” into Google, you may have struggled to find some solid resources or therapists treating these conditions.  Many people, especially folks healing from toxic, emotionally abusive relationships, use these phrases to make sense of their reality and experiences. Some individuals find labels to be validating and helpful. The reason you may struggle to find licensed therapists using these terms is because they are not officially recognized mental health disorders. While these terms aren’t official mental health diagnoses, they are often used to describe sets of symptoms that are seemingly unique to narcissistic abuse survivors. I hope the community gets its own, official term one day! What Is Narcissistic Abuse Syndrome—and Why Isn’t It in the DSM? Is Post-Narcissist Stress Disorder Real? “Narcissistic Abuse Syndrome” and “Post-Narcissist Stress Disorder” are not formal diagnoses in the DSM-5 or ICD-11 (manuals used by mental health professionals). You won’t find them in clinical textbooks, and your insurance certainly won’t recognize or reimburse your treatment if you attempt to use these terms as evidence (BOooooOOOOoooo!). That said, you will see these terms mentioned all over survivor communities and social media. Some larger mental health tech platforms (you know who...they love sending cease & desists) also inappropriately use them for marketing purposes, treating them as diagnoses. Again, these terms were created to describe the unique and devastating psychological effects of antagonistic relational stressors like prolonged manipulation, gaslighting, and coercive control by someone with narcissistic traits or narcissistic personality disorder (NPD). People who resonate with these labels often experience: Cognitive Dissonance Self-Doubt, Confusion, & Brain Fog Hypervigilance Challenges with Identity Significant Levels of Shame Trauma-Bonding Challenges  Perceived Personality Changes While these labels don’t fit neatly into one diagnosis, they often overlap with things like PTSD, anxiety, depression, or dissociative disorders. Some research has suggested that the effects of narcissistic abuse are actually quite different when compared to something like an anxiety disorder or depression (my experiences as a therapist would support this hypothesis).  Because of this, it makes sense that people would be itching for a new term or label. Therapy for Post-Narcissist Stress Disorder: What You Actually Need Whether you call it narcissistic abuse syndrome or something else entirely, what you’re experiencing is real, and it requires a trauma-informed therapy approach. If it’s easiest for you to describe your experience using these terms, that is totally fine (as long as you understand the unfortunate lack of clinical support so you don’t try to use them in court or with your insurance company).  Relational trauma deeply affects your limbic system and your sense of self/identity. Feeling safe and vulnerable around others can feel impossible after narcissistic abuse. Therapy that focuses on relational safety, attachment trauma, and trauma-focused modalities like EMDR can be incredibly healing. You don’t need a formal diagnosis to justify getting help. The right therapy honors your experience, even if it doesn’t fit a label. Another Reminder—"Narcissistic Abuse Syndrome" isn't a diagnosis because your reaction to emotional abuse isn't pathological. It's understandable, reasonable, realistic, and adaptive. So, part of why you don't see terms like these more often is because being hurt, upset, and shaken by abuse isn't a mental illness—it's a healthy response to horrifying treatment. These understandable reactions are often misunderstood or seen as excessive or "hysterical" (ugh, hate that word). It should be noted that labelling survivors CAN lead to further stigmatization. Just something to think about! Why These Terms Matter—Even If They Aren’t “Real Diagnoses” So, I'll say it one more time for the people in the back: Are narcissistic abuse syndrome and post-narcissist stress disorder real? Clinically—no. Emotionally and psychologically—ABSOLUTELY. These labels emerged because people needed (and valued) language for an experience that felt invisible, watered-down, and misunderstood. They offer validation, community, and a way to name the pain. And sometimes, we need that. If you’re struggling with symptoms of narcissistic abuse, therapy can help you rebuild trust and help you stop blaming yourself for what someone else did. Support is available, and you deserve it. Looking for Therapy For Post-Narcissist Stress Disorder in Chicago or Illinois? I specialize in helping clients recover from narcissistic abuse at Two Lights Therapy Center (virtually): https://www.twolightstherapy.com/ Virtual Sessions can be scheduled by emailing: hello@twolightstherapy.com  or by visiting:   https://www.twolightstherapy.com/contact   Two Lights Therapy Center PLLC | Chicago, Illinois Therapists Narcissism Specialists & EMDR Therapy for Narcissistic Abuse Recovery Please Note: The information provided in these blog posts is for informational and educational purposes only. It is not intended to be a substitute for professional therapy or therapeutic services. While these blogs are written by licensed psychotherapists, readers should not use this content as a replacement for individualized advice or treatment. If you are experiencing a crisis or need immediate assistance, please call 911 or contact other emergency services in your area.

Relational Therapy For Narcissistic Abuse Recovery & Betrayal Trauma Treatment When we experience narcissistic abuse, the attachment wounding we experience is, by definition, relational, not just psychological. It is all too easy to forget the impacts of relational aggression in abusive relationships. Unfortunately, parts of pop psychology often only place significant emphasis on physical abuse in such a way that dilutes the horrifying reality of other types of antagonistic relational stressors. When emotional and verbal abuse are forced to play second fiddle to other forms of violence, survivors question the validity of their pain.  Narcissistic dynamics distort your sense of safety, but they also distort your self-worth and the trust you have in others. That’s why a relational approach to therapy is one of the most powerful tools for narcissistic abuse recovery. We must connect to heal. A relational approach to therapy centers the healing power of this connection. Rather than focusing only on clients’ symptoms or surface-level therapy strategies, relational approaches emphasize the therapeutic relationship itself as a tool for transformation. Trauma—especially relational trauma like in narcissistically abusive dynamics—is often created in unsafe relationships and must be healed within safe, attuned ones. This is key to neural rewiring. Here are just a few of the reasons why I think that relational therapy is essential for survivors of narcissistic abuse: Why Relational, Attachment-Informed Therapy Matters For Survivors of Narcissistic Abuse 1. Relational Safety Helps Reveal & Heal Shame Narcissistic abuse often leaves survivors drowning in self-doubt and shame. While embarrassment makes us feel like something we DID is bad or stupid, shame makes us believe that WE OURSELVES are bad, stupid, and worthless. Survivors typically find themselves wondering, " Was it really that bad? Am I being dramatic? Was it my fault?"  These internalized beliefs do not shift through logic alone—they need to be felt and undone in a safe, attuned therapeutic relationship. Relational therapy creates an emotionally safe space where you don't feel judged or pathologized. Instead, you are seen, cared for, and understood. This kind of relational safety is the antidote to shame. When your nervous system senses genuine care and consistency, it begins to rewire, and deeper healing becomes safe & possible. As a therapist, it's amazing to watch this happen in real time. 2. The Therapeutic Relationship Is  the Intervention Survivors of narcissistic abuse often struggle to trust others and feel seen without the lingering fear of dismissal, rejection, or manipulation. A trauma-informed, relational therapist doesn’t just analyze your patterns—they offer an entirely new relational experience. Over time, this therapist-client dynamic becomes what we call a “corrective relationship”  that gently challenges the belief that closeness and honesty always lead to shame or harm. This slow, reparative trust-building is where some of the deepest healing happens, and the more sound the therapeutic relationship is, the more authentic you are able to become. There is nothing I love more than being that corrective relationship for my clients and showing them that their thoughts, feelings, and ideas DO matter (& are invited/appreciated). 3. EMDR for Narcissistic Abuse Requires Strong Rapport While EMDR can be a wonderful modality for reprocessing and integrating traumatic memories, it’s something to be taken seriously, especially for complex relational trauma like narcissistic abuse. Without a strong therapeutic bond, EMDR can feel ineffective, overwhelming, or even destabilizing. It can be incredibly difficult to focus on processing if you are constantly overcome by anxiety, wondering if your therapist truly has your back through this intense work. In EMDR therapy, we are actually going TOWARDS the pain (intentionally), and this is not easy to do if you do not feel comfortable with your therapist. In fact, most of the time, your system will not let you anywhere near that pain if you don't feel centered in the therapeutic space. A strong, sound relational foundation ensures that EMDR feels grounded, freeing, and safe. When trust, connection, and attunement are prioritized (so a client can stay within their window of tolerance), EMDR can be an absolutely life-changing treatment for some clients. My feeling is that this work is nearly impossible without an authentic therapeutic connection.  Curious to see if relational therapy is right for you?  I specialize in helping clients recover from narcissistic abuse by integrating a relational, attachment-informed EMDR approach into my therapy treatment. Learn more about the various services I offer at my practice, Two Lights Therapy Center:   https://www.twolightstherapy.com/ Virtual Sessions can be scheduled by emailing: hello@twolightstherapy.com  or by visiting:   https://www.twolightstherapy.com/contact     Two Lights Therapy Center PLLC | Chicago, Illinois Relational Narcissistic Abuse Therapy & EMDR for Narcissistic Abuse Recovery Please Note: The information provided in these blog posts is for informational and educational purposes only. It is not intended to be a substitute for professional therapy or therapeutic services. While these blogs are written by licensed psychotherapists, readers should not use this content as a replacement for individualized advice or treatment. If you are experiencing a crisis or need immediate assistance, please call 911 or contact other emergency services in your area.

What Is EMDR Therapy for Narcissistic Abuse? Eye Movement Desensitization and Reprocessing (EMDR) is a research-backed method of psychotherapy that can help clients process past traumatic experiences.  “Is that the therapy where you move your eyes back & forth, or something?” Yes—EMDR involves much less talking than traditional therapy and instead uses guided eye movements that help the brain integrate traumatic memories that were never processed correctly. In my practice, I use a nifty light bar! This approach can be particularly effective for those recovering from PTSD, narcissistic abuse, and other kinds of relational trauma (antagonistic relational stress), where the unintegrated memories are often deep and complicated. Personally, I think of EMDR more like a medical procedure, given how precise, scripted, and structured it is (not in a scary way, though!). We’re not just talking things through—we’re actively rewiring your brain together. Weeeeeee!  Understanding the Adaptive Information Processing (AIP) Model At the heart of EMDR therapy lies the Adaptive Information Processing (AIP) model, a framework that explains how the brain processes, integrates, and stores information (our memories). According to the AIP model, traumatic memories and sensations can become "stuck" and “stay hot” in the brain's memory networks. Because our brains aren’t always great at knowing when exactly a threat or traumatic experience occurred, these “stuck” memories can lead to persistent anxiety and other symptoms (including many physical sensations). The unintegrated trauma can influence current beliefs, perceptions, and behaviors, making us feel almost haunted...and stuck in the past. EMDR therapy aims to activate the brain's innate ability to process and integrate these distressing memories. By installing updated, adaptive beliefs, we can begin to alleviate symptoms and encourage our evolution.  EMDR for Narcissistic Abuse & Relational Trauma Recovery Narcissistic abuse and relational trauma are marked by patterns of manipulation and minimization, which can create some deep psychological scars, but healing is really possible! EMDR therapy, guided by that AIP model (discussed above), offers a structured, targeted approach to examine these pain points by:  Identifying & targeting specific traumatic memories associated with the abuse Reprocessing these memories to reduce their emotional charge & impact on functioning Replacing negative beliefs (e.g., "I am too much") with positive, empowering ones Enhancing emotional regulation skills & self-awareness EMDR can be a life-changing approach for many, helping them to honor and move past their traumatic experiences. This typically allows clients to feel more at ease when working towards developing new, healthy relationships and practicing self-forgiveness/compassion.  Integrating the S.A.F.E. EMDR Approach In my work, I use the S.A.F.E. EMDR approach (Somatic and Attachment-Focused EMDR), which takes into account (in just a slightly different way) the body’s cues, attachment trauma histories, and other relational dynamics that often surface in trauma recovery. Unlike some other therapeutic models, S.A.F.E. EMDR places significant emphasis on real-time nervous system regulation, present-moment safety, and the therapeutic relationship as key ingredients in healing. This approach can be especially valuable for those recovering from narcissistic abuse, where early attachment wounds and chronic invalidation (sometimes lifelong) can make emotional safety and trust difficult to access. By honoring the body’s pace and helping clients build a stronger sense of internal and relational safety, S.A.F.E. EMDR supports deep integration. EMDR Therapy in Chicago, IL EMDR therapy can be a really transformative option for some. If you're in the Chicago area and seeking support for narcissistic abuse or relational trauma, please don’t hesitate to reach out. Working with a trained EMDR therapist can be well worth a try if other kinds of therapy have felt less effective (or maybe you’re just ready to add something new to your toolbox!). If you’re skeptical—that’s okay too! Spoiler alert: I was VERY skeptical about EMDR for the longest time, but I have now seen the impact it can have with my very own eyes. :) Want to learn more about virtual EMDR therapy?  I specialize in helping clients recover from narcissistic abuse by integrating EMDR into therapy when appropriate. Learn more about the various services I offer at my practice, Two Lights Therapy Center: https://www.twolightstherapy.com/ https://www.twolightstherapy.com/emdr https://www.twolightstherapy.com/intensives & more! Virtual Sessions can be scheduled by emailing: hello@twolightstherapy.com  or by visiting:   https://www.twolightstherapy.com/contact     Two Lights Therapy Center PLLC | Chicago, Illinois Therapists Narcissism Specialists & EMDR Therapy for Narcissistic Abuse Recovery Please Note: The information provided in these blog posts is for informational and educational purposes only. It is not intended to be a substitute for professional therapy or therapeutic services. While these blogs are written by licensed psychotherapists, readers should not use this content as a replacement for individualized advice or treatment. If you are experiencing a crisis or need immediate assistance, please call 911 or contact other emergency services in your area.