Attachment Style Therapy: Why Attachment Theory is the Key to Understanding Yourself and Your Relationships
- Two Lights Therapy Center | Chicago Narcissism Specialists
- Apr 19
- 4 min read
Understanding yourself starts with understanding how you learned to stay safe and connect. When people first come to therapy, they’re often experiencing these patterns that they can’t quite explain. Maybe they keep ending up in similar relationships, or they often feel triggered by the same (seemingly small) things/events/behaviors. What many people don’t realize is that these patterns usually aren’t random, and those triggers don’t just speak to some unimportant “quirk”. They’re rooted in something much, much deeper: our attachment systems and core beliefs. That’s why my work as a therapist is sooooo attachment-focused (I literally never shut up about it).
Understanding your attachment style and exploring attachment theory/attachment trauma isn’t just interesting—it’s often the missing link to the deeper insight so many of us have been craving. It scratches that "need to understand" itch. Sometimes we need to intellectualize a little bit before we are able to feel things more deeply. In my therapeutic space, you have permission to get curious in this way first. As a little treat. :)
What Is Attachment Theory?
Attachment theory (in a nutshell) is the study of how we learn to bond, connect, and regulate emotions—starting in childhood. The way our caregivers responded to us helped shape the beliefs we formed about ourselves, others, and relationships. It is my belief that this formation doesn’t begin and end here, but that attachment styles can morph and shift when we are exposed to intense trauma (and do not have the opportunity to process it). The body of research on attachment theory is vast and growing, supplying us with plenty of information to fuel great therapeutic work!
Your Early Bonds Shape Your Present Patterns
Were your early needs met consistently? Did you feel safe, soothed, understood, and seen by your caregivers? Did you get enough hugs and words of affirmation?Or did you maybe learn to shut down, cling, run, hide, avoid, fawn, or distrust?
Our early experiences unfortunately don’t stay in the past. They show up in:
Adult relationships
Our sex lives
Friendships
Conflict patterns
The way we self-soothe
Our realtionships with intimacy
How we experience vulnerability, kindness, love and trust
What Is Attachment Trauma?
Attachment trauma is complex, and it will always look slightly different for each of us. That said, the themes are often the same, and it can be somewhat humbling to recognize the consistency in attachment wounding patterns. Attachment trauma is what happens when your need for connection and safety is consistently met with relational pain, fear, antagonism, inconsistency, or rejection. These don't need to be extreme or obvious, unfortunately, and a simple (yet consistent) lack of emotional attunement can be very damaging all on its own. Over time, our experiences create deep-seated, unrelenting beliefs like:
“I’m too much.”
“No one really cares about my thoughts or feelings.”
“I really can’t count on anyone.”
"I'm weird and defective.
“Relationships aren’t worth it.”
“I’d be stupid to share how I really feel.”
“If I get close, I’ll get hurt.”
"They won't like the real me."
Our early pain and these beliefs drive our adult behavior—whether we become avoidant (dismissive avoidant attachment), anxious (anxious preoccupied attachment), or feel completely disorganized in relationships (fearful avoidant attachment/disorganized attachment).
Why I Focus on Attachment in Therapy
I don’t just treat surface-level symptoms or bandaid up any bullet wounds. I help you get to the roots—the deep relational wounding that drives how you relate to others and yourself. When we focus on attachment trauma, we can finally understand:
Why you’re drawn to certain relationship dynamics
Why it’s so hard to break old patterns
What’s underneath the feeling of “stuckness”
Why you feel unaligned with the life you'd like to create
Why true happiness doesn’t feel attainable
Which main, core beliefs are holding you back
How Attachment Style Therapy Leads to Life-Altering Change
Once you understand your attachment style, everything starts to click and the puzzle pieces fall right into place. You can name your patterns, track your triggers, and—most importantly—make different life and relationship choices. This clarity allows for:
More secure relationships
Stronger emotional regulation
Deeper self-compassion and confidence
This psychoeducation, combined with approaches like EMDR and parts work, goes beyond basic therapeutic insight. It helps you rewire your attachment blueprint and helps you feel safe (and educated) enough to choose differently—whether that be choices related to partnerships, friendships, life transitions, career moves etc.
A quick note:
When I talk about attachment styles and early relationship patterns, this is never about blaming you—or anyone—for the ways you’ve learned to survive. Understanding your attachment style is not about finding fault or weakness. It’s about compassionately tracing back to the roots of your challenges so you can make sense of what’s felt confusing or painful in your life so far. This work isn’t about blaming you for your choices or pain. It’s about helping you find the power to shift the patterns that no longer serve you.
The Bottom Line
Attachment theory helps us understand attachment trauma—and understanding our attachment trauma helps us understand ourselves. Once we’ve secured that clarity, we can finally begin to shift what’s been keeping us stuck—and move toward a life that feels safe, balanced, fun, and grounded.
Looking for therapy to address your attachment style & to help you move towards a secure attachment style? Read more about how Two Lights Therapy Center approaches treatment: https://www.twolightstherapy.com/
Want to work with an attachment specialist for therapy? Virtual Sessions with Erika can be booked by emailing: hello@twolightstherapy.com or by visiting: https://www.twolightstherapy.com/contact
Two Lights Therapy Center PLLC | Chicago, Illinois.
Narcissism & Attachment Style Therapist
Please Note: The information provided in these blog posts is for informational and educational purposes only. It is not intended to be a substitute for professional therapy or therapeutic services. While these blogs are written by licensed psychotherapists, readers should not use this content as a replacement for individualized advice or treatment. If you are experiencing a crisis or need immediate assistance, please call 911 or contact other emergency services in your area.
