How to Break a Trauma Bond After Narcissistic Abuse: Why It Takes Time (and What Will Really Help)
- Two Lights Therapy Center | Chicago Narcissism Specialists
- Apr 12
- 5 min read
How to Break a Trauma Bond After Narcissistic Abuse
The painful truth is that sometimes we need to let go of someone if they continually cause us pain, even if part of us doesn't want to. If we can all acknowledge this as fact, then why is it that when push comes to shove and we TRY to let go, it may feel like our entire body is SCREAMING, “Don’t!”? If you’ve been on an emotional roller coaster with this person for a while (high highs and low lows), it’s very possible you’re experiencing the painful power of a trauma bond. Trauma bonds are not limited to romantic relationships and can be a part of any relational dynamic. In other blogs, I dive deeper into what trauma bonds are and the science of trauma bonding (linked at the end!).
For now, here is what you need to know: Breaking a trauma bond — especially one formed in a narcissistic relationship — isn’t just about logic. It is so much deeper and more complicated — and that is why there is no quick fix. You can get unhooked in time, but it’s important to offer yourself grace and reduce any shame you have around these complex feelings. We’re going to be sitting in this feeling for a while, but you don’t have to fight your fears on your own. In fact, they are welcome here — and I am happy to help you (contact info at the end!).
What Is a Trauma Bond? Let’s review.
A trauma bond forms when many moments of affection are mixed with or followed by emotional abuse, creating a cycle of dependence, hope, and fear. Narcissistically abusive relationships activate our old attachment wounds — often from childhood — and reinforce the belief that love must be earned through suffering.
Trauma bonds are not a sign of weakness. They’re often just a nervous system response to inconsistent care and emotional neglect, especially when those patterns are familiar. You can blame neuroscience instead of yourself — or your parents if that helps (kidding...kind of).
Why It Takes Time to Break Free
One of the most painful parts of recovery is wondering why you're still stuck. Why you still think about them. Why you still crave closure. Why you still want to be chosen. Those feelings and questions are welcome in my therapeutic space.
Here’s what you need to know: Breaking a trauma bond after narcissistic abuse is a process. Sometimes a long one. The pull you feel isn’t just about the person — it’s about the unmet attachment needs, core beliefs, and past adaptive patterns they have triggered. That kind of healing doesn’t happen in a single session, a single day, or a single month. It takes time (and you’re allowed to take that time). It’s important to consider that our true "healing" can, at times, take as long as it took for us to arrive at this point in time. We are constantly evolving & growing — and that is a beautiful thing.
(Side note, but related, I swear: I once heard someone say something to the effect of, "Winners forget they are in the race — they just win because they love running." And I think that applies to this kind of healing too. We don't have to LOVE the process; however, in time, doing great work in therapy can be so satisfying that you forget why you were even trying to race through it in the beginning. Not all of this journey is painful & you will "win" one day without even trying. So many of my clients experience this shift & it is a beautiful thing to witness.)
Okay, I'll stop with that before it broaches toxic positivity boundaries. :)
Let Go of Shame — It’s Keeping You Attached
Shame is the glue that keeps trauma bonds intact. You might catch yourself thinking: “I should’ve known better.”, “Why can’t I just move on?”, “There must be something wrong with me.”
The harsh reality is that these thoughts don’t help — they can actually prolong your process in excess. While we can always make room for these fears and concerns, without offering ourselves grace as well, we are continuing the work that the narcissistic person did (even when they are off the clock). These repetitive thoughts deepen our attachment wounds, add fuel to the fire, and make it harder to trust your own ability to heal. The best parts of recovery begin when we shift from self-blame to self-compassion. You didn’t choose this pain. But you can choose to understand it gently and patiently.
How EMDR Therapy For Narcissistic Abuse Helps Untangle the Bond
A powerful way to break free from a trauma bond is by addressing the beliefs that keep you tethered to the past. EMDR for narcissistic abuse (Eye Movement Desensitization and Reprocessing) helps you access core wounds and the emotional roots of those beliefs. The beliefs might sound like: “If I’m not chosen, I’m unlovable.”, “I’m not strong, and I need their apology to move on.” , & “I am worthless and too much. This is the best love I’ll ever get.”
Through EMDR, we can reprocess painful memories (and their accompanying beliefs) to release the emotional charge that keeps you feeling sick and stuck. This work is especially helpful for healing attachment trauma, building self-worth/self-compassion, and developing internal/relational safety — so you no longer feel the need to chase external validation.
Using EMDR and Parts Work to Heal Trauma Bonds After Narcissistic Abuse
In my work, I often integrate parts work (IFS: Internal Family Systems) into EMDR to support clients who feel emotionally torn — like one part of them knows the relationship was harmful, but another part still longs for the love and validation it offered. By identifying and gently working with these inner parts (versions of ourselves), we can offer compassion to the younger versions who needed that connection to survive. We can also reconnect with the most loving, wise versions of you, seeking their guidance. This approach allows EMDR to go even deeper, helping you lighten not just the memories but also the internal conflicts that are keeping you stuck.
You Are Allowed to Heal Slowly
Healing from narcissistic abuse doesn’t follow a linear timeline. Some days you’ll feel more “strong”. Others, you’ll feel like you’ve taken ten steps back. That’s okay. The strength is always there — it is not always easy to access when we feel so depleted. Breaking a trauma bond is deep, courageous work — and you don’t have to rush it. In fact, you shouldn’t, given that attempting to speed through healing often leads to key steps being missed.
Ready to start untangling the trauma bond? I offer EMDR therapy for narcissistic abuse recovery and attachment healing in Illinois.
Read more about the therapy offered at Two Lights Therapy Center: https://www.twolightstherapy.com/
Want to continue this conversation? Virtual Sessions for survivors can be scheduled by emailing: hello@twolightstherapy.com or by visiting: https://www.twolightstherapy.com/contact
Other blogs on trauma bonds:
Two Lights Therapy Center PLLC | Chicago, Illinois
Narcissistic Abuse Therapy Experts & EMDR for Narcissistic Abuse Recovery
Please Note: The information provided in these blog posts is for informational and educational purposes only. It is not intended to be a substitute for professional therapy or therapeutic services. While these blogs are written by licensed psychotherapists, readers should not use this content as a replacement for individualized advice or treatment. If you are experiencing a crisis or need immediate assistance, please call 911 or contact other emergency services in your area.
