Idealization – Dopamine & Oxytocin Surge:
At the beginning of the relationship, a narcissistic person might shower you with love, understanding, connection, admiration, affection, and praise. This triggers the release of dopamine, giving you a sense of pleasure, satisfaction, “reward”, and motivation. Your dopamine system will begin to “encourage you” to continue and drive you forwards towards the source of satisfaction again & again. At the same time, oxytocin, often called the "bonding hormone," is released during times of closeness, strengthening your emotional attachment and making you feel deeply connected to the narcissistic person in your life.
Devaluation – Cortisol & Stress Response:
As the narcissist begins to shift towards devaluation, emotional manipulation, or neglect, your brain releases cortisol, one of the primary stress hormones. This triggers anxiety, fear, confusion, and potentially feelings of abandonment. If you have an insecure attachment style (likely an anxious preoccupied or fearful avoidant/disorganized one), this will be especially true for you. However, because you’ve already experienced the highs of affection, your brain is caught in an emotional conflict—stress and attachment are now tangled together. Navigating this dissonance can be incredibly distressing, triggering more cortisol. Oftentimes, we will avoid examining it more closely at this point because it is too painful to accept.
Intermittent Reinforcement – Dopamine, Oxytocin & Uncertainty:
As the narcissist periodically offers brief moments of love or affection, the brain is flooded with dopamine again. These unpredictable "rewards" trigger the release of oxytocin, making you feel close and loved once more. This intermittent reinforcement creates an addictive cycle, where your brain becomes conditioned to crave those fleeting moments of affection. These may manifest as moments of believing that if you just adjust your behavior or “do it right this time”, the relationship could work. You’ll likely begin to believe you are the problem. Moments of affection will continue strengthening the bond despite the emotional abuse.
Cognitive Dissonance – Neural Conflict:
Your brain experiences cognitive dissonance as it struggles to reconcile the idealization with the devaluation. The emotional highs (dopamine/sometimes oxytocin) and lows (cortisol) create conflicting signals, making it difficult to break the attachment. At the same time, oxytocin continues to reinforce the bond, even as the narcissist’s behavior becomes more harmful.
Emotional Dependence – Neural Conditioning:
Over time, your brain starts to expect and depend on the narcissist’s affection, even when it’s rare or inconsistent. The repeated cycle of dopamine and oxytocin release creates a neural pathway that reinforces emotional dependence, causing you to crave that affection, even though it’s often coupled with pain. You begin to believe pain and pleasure are a package deal. You begin to feel (unconsciously or consciously or both) that the pain is worth it for that "dopamine hit" you are craving. This is an incredibly painful place to be mentally.
Trauma Bond – Strong Neural Pathways:
The combination of dopamine (reward), oxytocin (bonding), and cortisol (stress) creates a deeply ingrained neural pattern. This neurological cocktail helps to form the trauma bond, making you feel as though the narcissist is your soulmate or that the relationship was fated. The bond feels nearly unbreakable because the brain associates the narcissist with both emotional highs and the pain of separation, reinforcing the attachment over time. In short, such an extreme experience begins to feel destined in some way.
You may notice there is little mention of serotonin here. I tried to keep this as simple as possible by sticking to 3 neurotransmitters but know this:
SEROTONIN = TRUE “HEALTHY” HAPPINESS
DOPAMINE = PLEASURE/GRATIFICATION
(oversimplified-- but you get the idea)
Guess what downregulates serotonin? Dopamine. So while you’re on your dopamine roller coaster, stable serotonin levels will be difficult to find. True happiness lies on the other side of your narcissistic dynamic. We are here to support you on your journey.
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Want to work with a narcissism specialist? Virtual Narcissistic Abuse Recovery Sessions for survivors can be booked by emailing: hello@twolightstherapy.com
Two Lights Therapy Center | Chicago, Illinois.
Narcissistic Personality & Abuse Recovery Specialists
Disclaimer: The information provided in these blog posts is for informational and educational purposes only. It is not intended to be a substitute for professional therapy or therapeutic services. Readers should not use this content as a replacement for individualized advice or treatment. If you are experiencing a crisis or need immediate assistance, please call 911 or contact other emergency services in your area.