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Understanding the Effects of Narcissism: What Trauma-Bonding Is & What It Isn’t in Narcissistic Abuse

Updated: Jan 20

Odds are you’ve heard the term “trauma-bond” or “trauma-bonding” thrown around in conversation or on social media. While social media can be an excellent tool for psychoeducation, it can also lead to confusion and miscommunication about what these terms actually mean, especially when it comes to narcissistic abuse. Understanding the effects of narcissism can shed light on how a trauma-bond develops and why it’s so complex. In this blog, we’ll explore what trauma-bonding is, what it isn’t, and the science behind why narcissistic abuse can lead to such an intense, confusing bond.


What is Trauma-Bonding?


Trauma-bonding is a psychological response that occurs when a victim of abuse forms a strong attachment to their abuser. In the case of narcissistic abuse, the cycle of love-bombing (idealization) and devaluation creates an unpredictable and emotionally chaotic environment. These highs and lows can create a powerful “bond” between the victim and the narcissistic person, one that’s difficult to break, even when the victim knows the relationship is unhealthy.


At its core, trauma-bonding is built on intermittent reinforcement—a pattern of rewarding behaviors followed by periods of emotional or psychological withdrawal. For example, a narcissistic person may shower their partner with love and attention one day, only to belittle and ignore them the next. This cycle keeps the victim emotionally engaged and, over time, addicted to the highs of approval, even as they become increasingly worn down by the lows of criticism or neglect. It’s this emotional roller coaster that often creates the trauma bond, where the victim feels inexplicably connected to the narcissistic person despite the harm caused by their narcissistic behaviors and narcissistic abuse.


What is NOT Trauma-Bonding?


While trauma-bonding is a specific type of bond resulting from narcissistic abuse, it’s important to clarify what it is not. Trauma-bonding is not a bond that forms as a result of a shared traumatic experience like surviving a natural disaster or being involved in a car accident. Though these types of shared traumatic experiences can bring people together, they don’t cause the kind of destructive emotional attachment that defines trauma-bonding.


Additionally, trauma-bonding is not simply a result of two people exchanging stories about their traumatic pasts. In healthy relationships, sharing personal experiences can foster connection and understanding. However, in the case of trauma-bonding with a narcissist, the relationship dynamic revolves around manipulation, control, and emotional dependency, rather than mutual understanding and support.


The Science Behind a Trauma-Bond


The science behind trauma-bonding, particularly in the context of narcissistic abuse, can be understood through the lens of neuroscience. Narcissists often create an emotional "roller coaster" for their victims, alternating between idealization (excessive praise and attention) and devaluation (criticism, neglect, or emotional manipulation). This unpredictable cycle has a significant impact on the brain, particularly in terms of the reward system.


When a narcissist showers their victim with attention and affection (love-bombing), the brain releases dopamine—the "feel-good" neurotransmitter that is associated with pleasure, motivation, and reward. Dopamine encourages us to repeat behaviors that feel rewarding, and in the case of narcissistic abuse, it reinforces the cycle of emotional highs and lows. The brain begins to associate these intermittent "rewards" (affection, attention, validation) with the chaos of the relationship, reinforcing the bond.


However, when the narcissist shifts to devaluation, the victim is left feeling confused, anxious, and emotionally distressed. This emotional pain triggers the release of cortisol, the stress hormone, which signals a state of "fight or flight." The body and mind begin to crave the relief of the next emotional high, which may come in the form of affection or approval from the narcissist. This push-pull dynamic, characterized by both emotional and hormonal fluctuations, keeps the victim psychologically addicted to the relationship.


Over time, the brain becomes rewired to normalize this trauma-bond, making it difficult for the victim to recognize the abusive pattern or break free from it. The intermittent reinforcement and emotional unpredictability create an unhealthy attachment that feels just as powerful—and just as difficult to escape—as an addiction. In this way, the effects of narcissistic abuse and trauma-bonding can have lasting, damaging consequences on a person’s emotional and psychological well-being.


How Trauma-Bonding Feels: The Cycle of Narcissistic Abuse


For those in a trauma-bonding relationship with a narcissist, it can feel like being trapped in a constant state of emotional turmoil. One minute, the narcissist is attentive, affectionate, and idealizing the victim, and the next, they’re cold, critical, and emotionally distant. This inconsistency creates confusion and emotional instability, which makes it difficult for the victim to know where they stand.

Despite the harm caused by the narcissist, victims often feel compelled to stay or return to the relationship, hoping for the "good phase" to return. The trauma-bond feels like an emotional attachment that’s impossible to sever, and victims may feel shame, guilt, or self-blame for being "too attached" to the person who is causing them harm. The bond is reinforced by the brain’s reward system, which continues to crave the emotional highs of validation and approval, even though they come at the cost of emotional well-being.


Breaking Free from a Trauma-Bond: Understanding Narcissistic Abuse


Breaking free from a trauma bond is incredibly difficult, but it is possible with the right support. It requires not only understanding the manipulative patterns of narcissistic abuse but also addressing the emotional and psychological attachment that has formed. Recovery involves both recognizing the impact of the trauma-bond and learning to heal from the psychological effects of narcissism.

Therapy and support from loved ones can help individuals begin to rewire their brain’s response to emotional manipulation, break free from the cycle of narcissistic abuse, and rebuild their sense of self-worth. With time, awareness, and healing, it’s possible to overcome the trauma bond and move forward into healthier, more fulfilling relationships.


Narcissistic Abuse and Trauma-Bonding


Understanding what trauma-bonding is—and what it isn’t—is crucial for those who may be experiencing or recovering from narcissistic abuse. The cycle of intermittent reinforcement, emotional highs and lows, and the brain’s neurological response to these patterns can create a deep, sometimes addictive bond. Recognizing the science behind trauma-bonding is an important step in breaking free from the grip of narcissistic abuse and reclaiming one’s emotional health. If you find yourself in such a relationship, know that help is available, and with the right support, you can begin the journey toward healing and recovery.


Sessions with Erika Koch-Weser can be booked by emailing: hello@twolightstherapy.com 


Two Lights Therapy Center | Chicago, Illinois.

Narcissism & Abuse Recovery Specialists


Disclaimer: The information provided in these blog posts is for informational and educational purposes only. It is not intended to be a substitute for professional therapy or therapeutic services. Readers should not use this content as a replacement for individualized advice or treatment. If you are experiencing a crisis or need immediate assistance, please call 911 or contact other emergency services in your area.



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