The trauma caused by narcissistic abuse often (& unfortunately) has a deep, lasting impact on our brains. One of the more complex psychological phenomena, caused by the highs and lows of this kind of dynamic, is the infamous trauma bond– a psychological attachment to an abuser that can feel nearly impossible to weaken. We understand that these relationships can cause a state of emotional dependence, but what is the actual science behind how these bonds forms, and why do they feel so unbreakable?
In this blog, we’ll explore how narcissistic abuse can create trauma bonds. We’ll explore this through a lens of simplified neuroscience, focusing on the concept of a partial reward schedule—a key psychological principle that can help explain why breaking free from narcissistic abuse is so difficult.
What is a Partial Reward Schedule?
In simple terms, a partial reward schedule is a psychological concept used in behavioral sciences to describe a pattern of reinforcement in which rewards are given at unpredictable intervals, rather than consistently. Think of it like a slot machine: the machine doesn’t always pay out when you play, but sometimes it does. That unpredictability keeps you coming back, trying to win again. You may be familiar with reinforcement studies where animals are given access to treats or sugar water as a reward, triggered by actions like pressing a lever or responding to a bell.
This is a key principle in how addiction works. When rewards are given inconsistently, our brains release dopamine, a neurotransmitter linked to pleasure and motivation. The uncertainty around when the next reward will come is what makes the behavior so addictive. While many information sources may emphasize the concept of “pleasure”, it is important to focus more on motivation, as dopamine is (in many ways) less about pleasure and more about driving goal-directed behavior.
Put super simply, dopamine drives us to “do the thing again”. In the meantime, if we are oxytocin bonding with the narcissistic person in our lives, this will contribute to our feelings of “stuckness”. Oxytocin, the "love hormone" or "bonding hormone", reinforces trauma bonds by deepening attachment during moments of affection in narcissistic relationships. Even during neglect or abuse, the brain clings to the moments where oxytocin was induced, mistaking them for genuine moments of love.
Narcissistic Abuse and the Partial Reward Schedule
Now, let’s look at how this relates to narcissistic abuse. Narcissistic folks are known for using intermittent reinforcement (whether consciously or unconsciously)—one of the core features of a partial reward schedule—to manipulate their victims. They may alternate between periods of idealization (where they shower their target with praise and affection) and devaluation (where they belittle, criticize, or emotionally neglect their target).
We can become hooked on the "good" moments, waiting for the narcissist to revert back to being kind, loving, or charming. Because these rewards come unpredictably (sometimes a small compliment, sometimes a brutal insult), the victim's brain is constantly on edge, craving that next “hit” of affection or validation. This is what creates a trauma bond, a psychological connection that can feel more powerful than the pain of the abuse itself.
Trauma bonds often lead individuals to feel a deep, almost mystical connection with the narcissistic person, often believing they are soulmates or that the relationship was destined by divine intervention. This feeling is intensified by the intermittent reinforcement, as the highs of affection and validation create a false sense of fate, making it harder to distinguish genuine love from manipulation. Recognizing that we need to let go of this “destiny myth” can be one of the most painful moments for survivors of abuse if they are still in love with their abuser.
The reason these trauma bonds are so powerful is that the brain, driven by the unpredictability of the narcissist's behavior, releases dopamine during the rare moments of affection or praise. This creates a sense of reward that keeps the victim coming back, much like an someone with a gambling addiction keeps playing the slot machine. Even though the abuse may be flagged as harmful and inconsistent, the brain clings to the hope of those "reward" moments, further entangling the victim in the trauma bond.
The Neuroscience Behind Trauma Bonds
The science behind trauma bonds involves how the brain processes stress and attachment. When subjected to narcissistic abuse, the victim’s brain becomes caught in a loop of emotional highs and lows (sometimes called the 10’s & the 1’s). These emotional extremes trigger the release of both dopamine and cortisol– a stress hormone. The cortisol creates feelings of fear, anxiety, and vigilance, while the aforementioned dopamine creates feelings of motivation, pleasure, and reward.
The constant cycling between stress and pleasure can literally rewire the brain’s reward system. Over time, the brain starts to associate the narcissist with both danger and reward. Sometimes, the brain even begins to more directly associate pain with pleasure, causing survivors to believe that pleasure/happiness will never be available to them again without this person– or another person who is equally as dysregulating and abusive. This creates a neurochemical dependency on the narcissist, even though the relationship is damaging. The victim becomes emotionally addicted, and the trauma bond continues to grow stronger.
As the bond grows stronger, so can the survivor's shame. Typically, survivors KNOW the relationship is unhealthy and can begin to believe that "knowing" should be enough to motivate them to leave. The people around them are often confused and even frustrated that they won't "just leave". It is NEVER that simple. I will write a whole blog on this shame cycle, but please know that you are not alone and you are not stupid for wanting to stay. Logic & emotion don't always play well together. Survivors of narcissistic abuse understand, but many others will not. Keep exploring your own mind and journey with kindness and compassion.
Breaking the Cycle of Narcissistic Trauma Bonds
Understanding some of the science behind trauma bonds and understanding how partial reward schedules keep us trapped are important steps towards freedom from narcissistic abuse. Once you recognize that the cycle of reward and pain is a manipulation tactic, it becomes easier to see through the narcissistic person’s behavior.
Healing from a trauma bond involves reprogramming the brain and creating healthier, more consistent sources of validation and reward. This often means removing the narcissistic person from your life, seeking therapy, and building (or rebuilding if you’ve been intentionally isolated) support systems that reinforce your worth and well-being without the emotional volatility of narcissistic abuse.
Please remember that healing from a trauma bond isn’t just about leaving the relationship. It’s about rewiring your brain’s reward system and learning to rely on healthier sources of love, affection, and validation. The beautiful truth is that much of that love can come from within as well once you begin to reconnect with yourself.
The concept of a partial reward schedule specifically offers a powerful lens through which we can understand the neuroscience and violence of trauma bonds. With awareness of this process (and what we feel during it), survivors can begin to navigate their unique healing process, breaking free from the trauma bond, and reclaiming their autonomy. If you or someone you know is struggling with a trauma bond from narcissistic abuse, please do not hesitate to reach out for support.
Part 2 will highlight & condense the basic neuroscience. If this felt like a lot of reading, check it out: https://www.twolightstherapy.com/post/part-2-how-a-trauma-bond-forms-and-progresses-through-a-simplified-neuroscience-lens
Want to work with a narcissism specialist? Virtual Narcissistic Abuse Recovery Sessions for survivors can be booked by emailing: hello@twolightstherapy.com
Two Lights Therapy Center | Chicago, Illinois.
Narcissistic Personality & Abuse Recovery Specialists
Disclaimer: The information provided in these blog posts is for informational and educational purposes only. It is not intended to be a substitute for professional therapy or therapeutic services. Readers should not use this content as a replacement for individualized advice or treatment. If you are experiencing a crisis or need immediate assistance, please call 911 or contact other emergency services in your area.