Getting Back with a Dismissive Avoidant Partner: What You Need to Know
- Two Lights Therapy Center | Chicago Narcissism Specialists
- Apr 10
- 4 min read
Updated: Apr 12
Your dismissive avoidant ex FINALLY breaks no-contact. You haven’t felt this good in months. You’ve been hoping they’d finally realize the major mistake they made when they broke up with you—after all, you KNOW they loved you (despite what your friends think). You had a plan, and you knew how you wanted to proceed should this happen—with caution…you were going to handle things differently this time. But you are so excited, and you have so much to catch them up on! PAUSE. Here’s the problem. Getting back with a dismissive avoidant partner can make you feel elated and euphoric—because maybe this time will be different. You’ve read books about their attachment style, you’ve watched videos, and you know how to better connect with them this time. Maybe they've finally realized how much they do care. Maybe they’ve really missed you as well and just couldn't articulate it until now. But here’s the truth: it didn't end the first time because of anything you did & without deep inner work, even the most intense reunion will likely follow the same painful pattern. (I’m sorry!)
Why Dismissive Avoidants Lose Feelings After the Honeymoon Phase
Here's a not-so-fun fact for you! Dismissive avoidants often come on strong at the start (or the re-start). They're charming, charismatic, present, and even extra vulnerable during this honeymoon phase. But around the 4–6 month mark, something almost always shifts. And we can blame chemistry.
For dismissive avoidants, around 4–6 months into a relationship, the brain’s initial surge of dopamine begins to taper off. Of course, this time frame can differ depending on the individual, as there are exceptions. For dismissive avoidants, whose nervous systems are wired to associate closeness with threat/engulfment, this dopamine dip can trigger a need for distance as the relationship shifts from novelty back to vulnerability. Suddenly, they’re pulling away and saying they “lost feelings” (again). This is a predictable neurobiological pattern, not a reflection of your worth—but it certainly hurts all the same.
Dismissive Avoidants Want Connection—But Can They Sustain It?
Dismissive avoidants crave closeness and connection just like anyone else. But wanting intimacy isn’t the same as having the tools to maintain and nurture it.
When real intimacy begins to develop, many DAs unconsciously start to retreat. They intellectualize. Minimize. Shut down. Dismiss. It’s not that they don’t care—it’s that care feels unsafe when you don’t have the ability to co-regulate.
If your avoidant partner hasn’t done some serious work—like trauma-informed therapy, attachment trauma exploration with a professional, or nervous system regulation work—there’s a high chance they’ll repeat the exact same pattern, no matter how much they claim to have “figured things out” in your time apart. Even if they don't end things this time, they may spend the rest of your relationship or future marriage doubting your compatibility in silence or wondering if there's someone better out there (which is honestly even more terrifying).
Getting Back With A Dismissive Avoidant: Can a Dismissive Avoidant Partner Change for Real?
The short answer is: yes—but real change doesn’t happen just because they miss you. It happens when they’re willing to confront the fears and core wounds underneath their detachment and attachment style. That takes:
consistent self-awareness & awareness of triggers
emotional risk-taking & exposure to vulnerability
accountability & acceptance of constructive criticism
time & patience
therapy or coaching with a specialist (find someone good!)
You can't do that work for them (and I know you’ve already tried)—and love alone won't be enough if they’re not equipped to hold connection. (Don’t get mad at me—I’m just the messenger.) If this all feels like too much and you need support, please do not hesitate to reach out. I will include contact information below.
Before You Go Back (Or Text Back): Questions to Ask Yourself First
Has this person done the work needed to truly show up in a relationship—or are you walking back into a familiar cycle, hoping it will hurt less this time (or hoping you can better “manage” things)?
Do you really love this person or do you have your own deep attachment wounds that cause you to ache to be chosen by them?
Is this “your person” or are they just someone who made you feel unworthy of love (maybe similar to one of your parents) and offered your nervous system an opportunity to “get it right this time” (MAJOR dopamine hit)?
Dismissive avoidants can change. But it’s a long, long, long, long game (sometimes too long)—and until then, reconnection is more likely to reopen old wounds than be a catalyst for a beautiful, new foundation. Hearing this news can suck, but having it offers you the freedom to reconnect (if you must) with the knowledge you need to have for the healthiest expectations when communicating and moving forward.
Two Lights Therapy Center is a judgment-free zone. Join me to discuss your unique case and explore your options toward attachment security. All thoughts, feelings, and desires are welcome here. Read more about how Two Lights Therapy Center approaches treatment:
Want to work with an attachment specialist for therapy? Virtual Sessions with Erika can be booked by emailing: hello@twolightstherapy.com or by visiting: https://www.twolightstherapy.com/contact
Two Lights Therapy Center | Chicago, Illinois.
Narcissism & Attachment Specialists
Please Note: The information provided in these blog posts is for informational and educational purposes only. It is not intended to be a substitute for professional therapy or therapeutic services. While these blogs are written by licensed psychotherapists, readers should not use this content as a replacement for individualized advice or treatment. If you are experiencing a crisis or need immediate assistance, please call 911 or contact other emergency services in your area.
