The Silent Struggles of Survivors in Narcissistic Relationships

For a number of people, when the word “abuse” is uttered, their immediate thoughts are of something loud, violent, and obvious. Maybe when we think of narcissistic abuse, we are initially reminded of manipulation, gaslighting, and the emotional volatility that often accompanies narcissistic relationships. But for many survivors, some of the deepest wounds are the silent ones—the isolation, the self-hatred, the judgment, and the internal war between love and pain.

The cognitive dissonance and these invisible struggles are often overlooked, leaving survivors feeling even more alone than ever before. When we don’t acknowledge some of these other infinitely complex experiences many have in narcissistic relationships, they become ever more taboo. Let’s talk about them today to hopefully decrease some of the stigma. 

Narcissistic Abuse and Isolation: Why Survivors Feel So Alone

Narcissistic individuals tend to isolate their targets (subtly or overtly) as a means of controlling them and the narrative. They may sow doubt about “toxic” friends or family who CLEARLY want to sabotage “our special relationship”. They may also monopolize time and energy, punishing any attempt at independence or autonomy. Over time, survivors often begin to question their own instincts and their own ability to judge character. It is not uncommon to see survivors of abuse withdraw from those close to them, unsure of whom they can trust anymore. 

But the isolation doesn’t end there. Even after opening up, many survivors find that their support systems don’t truly understand what they’ve been going through. Their friends and family members might question them in ways that evoke shame, or worse—they may even blame them for staying. 

"Why Don’t You Just Leave?": When Empathy Turns Into Judgment

One of the most painful experiences for survivors is being met with confusion or frustration upon their disclosure of the abuse. Well-meaning friends or family members may ask:

“Oh my gosh! Why didn’t you just TELL me?,” or "Why didn’t you just leave?," or “What are you DOING? You’re better than this!," or "Wait, you're STAYING with them???"

...without realizing how trauma bonds and fears of retaliation can keep someone trapped in an abusive relationship indefinitely. This lack of understanding can lead to further isolation. Feeling pressured, forced, or coerced (once again), survivors may decide it’s best to not disclose any more information or provide any updates. They’ll often retreat inward (both physically and emotionally), ashamed that they didn’t leave sooner, or ashamed that they still feel love for the person who hurts them.

Still Loving Your Abuser: The Grief No One Talks About in Narcissistic Relationships

Let's talk about it. It’s very possible to both deeply love someone and be deeply hurt by them again and again. If this sounds highly unusual to you, be glad you cannot understand and offer grace even when you do not relate. Many survivors grieve not just the relationship but the person they thought their partner could be or would be. Narcissistic abuse often includes intermittent reinforcement (partial reward schedules)—periods of love, charm, and connection that keep survivors hooked and hopeful. 

More specifically, many narcissistic partners do something called “future-faking”—making grand promises about marriage, children, or a beautiful shared future—to keep survivors emotionally invested, even when they typically have no real intention of following through. These push-pull dynamics create powerful psychological bonds that are as real as any physical trap or snare you can imagine.

Survivors may feel ashamed of their lingering love, especially if others around them are aggressively urging them to move on. Healing doesn’t mean shutting off those feelings of love. It means learning to hold them with compassion (but not letting them hold you back) and honoring your experience without shame or self-judgment.

Survivors Deserve Compassion—Not Silence or Judgment

If you are trying to heal after or during narcissistic abuse, know this: your feelings are valid, and you have a right to support. If you’ve reached out for support before and were met with emotionally immature criticisms, recognize that their reaction is not about you. Frankly, many well-intentioned people are honestly very bad at offering the right support.

(I often think about a meme where a girl said her mom’s go-to advice for any emotional challenges was just, “go outside and eat a banana.” It makes me laugh because it’s such a perfect example of someone wanting to help—but completely missing the mark.)

The confusion, the grief, the isolation—it’s all real. You don’t have to justify your pain to anyone. At Two Lights Therapy Center PLLC, we specialize in narcissistic abuse therapy for survivors. We’re here to help if you haven’t yet been able to find safe support. 

Learn about our narcissistic personality & narcissistic abuse therapy services:

Want to get scheduled with a therapist who specializes in narcissism? Virtual Sessions for survivors can be scheduled by emailing: hello@twolightstherapy.com or by visiting: https://www.twolightstherapy.com/contact 

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Two Lights Therapy Center PLLC | Chicago, Illinois

Narcissistic Abuse Recovery Therapist

Please Note: The information provided in these blog posts is for informational and educational purposes only. It is not intended to be a substitute for professional therapy or therapeutic services. While these blogs are written by licensed psychotherapists, readers should not use this content as a replacement for individualized advice or treatment. If you are experiencing a crisis or need immediate assistance, please call 911 or contact other emergency services in your area.