Dismissive-avoidant attachment and dismissive avoidant personality traits are often oversimplified. While dismissive avoidants do follow a clear, predictable blueprint, they are also just as complex as other attachment styles. While you might immediately think of hyper-independence, limited capacity for conflict/vulnerability, and emotional detachment, there are some lesser-known signs of dismissive avoidance. Read on to explore some that I think are worth mentioning. Dismissive Avoidant Personality Traits: Individuals are Hard Workers Who Use Work or Hobbies as a Shield Dismissive avoidants are often highly ambitious workaholics who appear incredibly driven and dedicated to their careers. They may also set aside (and utilize) significant amounts of time for new (or old) hobbies, workouts, and creative activities. However, this incredible capacity for work has a dark side. More often than not, dismissive avoidants use work and hobbies to avoid being at rest with their feelings. This defense mechanism often appears to be genuine ambition but is also used to soothe a deep defectiveness wound. When faced with any kind of real or perceived relational stress, they will double down on their “workload” and activities rather than confront emotional discomfort. While hard work and hobbies provide a structured escape from moments of intimacy, dismissive avoidants will often work themselves to burnout and are then faced with both burnout and all of their repressed emotions (which will always surface eventually in one way or another). DAs may feel like this lifestyle keeps them in control when, in reality, avoiding emotional discomfort for prolonged periods can have extreme impacts on them and even their physical health. Some research has shown DAs are at a significantly higher risk of heart issues and autoimmune disorders. Interestingly enough, some DAs will also show significantly more vulnerability in their professional roles versus in their private lives. This is because, in this arena, they have more control. Take a teacher or professor, for example: If a DA is a professor, they might have a profound passion for the subject they teach and a strong connection with their students. Their students view them as an authority figure, and the DA does not have to disclose any deeply personal information to their colleagues or students. This allows the DA's nervous system to settle, which in turn, allows them to feel comfortable. In addition to this, students come and go! Dismissive avoidant individuals feel much safer when dynamics have an unspoken or unconscious expiration date (more on this later). Similar environments or positions of authority provide enough safety for a DA to thrive. Dismissive Avoidants are Experts at Intellectualizing Emotions As we all know, dismissive avoidants would rather do just about anything than deeply feel their emotions. A great way to avoid this is to analyze all their feelings as if they are an outsider or, ironically, even an expert. We call this "intellectualizing" in the therapy world. For example, instead of letting themselves experience grief after a loss, a DA is more likely to remain numb and to say something like: “I’m doing fine. Loss is difficult for everyone. Of course, I am sad, but people come and go. That’s life. There’s not really much you can do, you know? I cherish the good memories, and I don’t want to dwell on the bad. It’s honestly just not good for anyone mentally to stay in a dark headspace.” After explaining something like this, they will often change the subject. If asked about something like a breakup, DAs will also downplay the impact, explaining away emotions without acknowledging them: “Yeah, we ended things. Honestly, it just wasn’t working out. In the grand scheme of things, we weren’t together very long. I really want to focus on myself right now and my career. Breakups happen, and yeah– they suck, but I just want to remove any kind of drama from my life right now. Peace is my priority, and it was always something with my ex… we were just never on the same page.” Many DAs actually believe most heightened emotions are irrational and immature. If they are going to engage with vulnerability, they’ll reduce complex feelings or dynamics to straightforward, logical explanations. This keeps them at a safe distance from vulnerability, allowing them to still carefully navigate relationships without fully engaging with any emotional depth. As you might expect, relying on cold calculations and logic instead of empathy makes emotional connection difficult. So, ironically, dismissive avoidants tend to cause a lot of discomfort for those around them. Dismissive Avoidants are Drawn to (Yet Afraid of) Emotionally Intense People Paradoxically, dismissive avoidants both admire and fear partners who express deep emotions. They are deeply intrigued by the passion and intensity of highly emotionally attuned individuals, yet also feel overwhelmed by it. They are often drawn in by strong emotions but withdraw after the “honeymoon phase” or when the connection becomes too serious or intimate. As mentioned above, DAs are quite predictable. If a big life transition is suggested, such as moving in together, marriage, or children, many DAs exit their relationships. Many prefer the idea of love over the reality of commitment, enjoying the thought or fantasy of romanticized connections while struggling with the vulnerability and honesty that real relationships require. DAs especially like relationships with an unconscious expiration date. They will often pursue relationships for the comfort they offer, but if they were being honest, the “safe” relationship was never going to be endgame. A part of them always knew it wouldn’t be “enough,” and ironically, this made it easier to stay in the relationship for longer. My Final Thoughts as an Attachment Specialist Understanding these dismissive avoidant personality traits can provide deeper insight into the behavior of DAs. Recognizing these patterns is the first step toward making some changes. Dismissive avoidants have a bad reputation, but like all individuals, they deeply desire connection. These tendencies keep them feeling safe and regulated. It takes time and therapy to see real changes. If this resonates, feel free to reach out to book a session where we can more deeply explore concepts like this one. Looking for therapy to address your attachment style & move towards secure attachment? Read more about how Two Lights Therapy Center approaches treatment:   https://www.twolightstherapy.com/ https://www.twolightstherapy.com/attachment Want to work with an attachment specialist for therapy?  Virtual Sessions for survivors can be booked by emailing: hello@twolightstherapy.com  or by visiting:   https://www.twolightstherapy.com/contact     Two Lights Therapy Center PLLC | Chicago, Illinois. Narcissism & Attachment Therapists Please Note: The information provided in these blog posts is for informational and educational purposes only. It is not intended to be a substitute for professional therapy or therapeutic services. While these blogs are written by licensed psychotherapists, readers should not use this content as a replacement for individualized advice or treatment. If you are experiencing a crisis or need immediate assistance, please call 911 or contact other emergency services in your area.

In the world of insecure attachment and narcissistic relationships, one figure looms larger than life: the phantom ex . This isn’t just your partner's most recent ex-partner, old fling, or past lover—they are the ever-present, idealized, and/or demonized character who continues to cast a shadow over your current relationship. If you’ve ever felt like you’re silently competing with someone from your partner’s past, you’ve encountered this dynamic firsthand.  So Who Is the Phantom Ex? The phantom ex  is an ex-partner who exists and lingers in the mind of your current partner—often in distorted ways. They can be idealized as "the one that got away," vilified as "the toxic, crazy ex," or weaponized to create insecurity in your relationship. In relationships with narcissistic individuals, the phantom ex often plays a central role in reinforcing the relationship’s power imbalance.  How the Phantom Ex Might Manifest in Your Relationship Idealization of the Ex:  Your partner compares you (unfavorably) to their ex, portraying them as some gold standard you can never quite measure up to. This keeps you striving to become more desirable, hoping to earn that same level of affection or admiration from your partner. The Weaponized Ex:  A narcissistic or emotionally unavailable partner may bring up an ex to trigger jealousy, create insecurity, or maintain control over you emotionally. They may reference them from time to time—never enough for you to feel justified in calling them out on it, but enough that it makes you uncomfortable or even jealous. Narcissistic partners will often make comments like, "My ex never had a problem with that" or "My ex was so good at [XYZ]" or “My ex had/made/knew the best [XYZ]”. They are likely to weaponize these comments both casually and during arguments. The Eternal Emotional Hold:  Even if the ex is not actively involved in their life anymore, your partner might hold onto unresolved feelings they refuse to process, keeping you stuck in a relational purgatory where they are emotionally unavailable to fully commit to you. They may delay talking about the future with you, or they may resist avoiding their ex on social media even when you’ve asked them to. Retroactive Jealousy:  In anxious or disorganized attachment styles, the phantom ex might become an obsession. You may feel haunted by their presence, scouring their social media, overanalyzing your partner’s past, or wondering if you’ll ever be as “special” and attractive as they were. You may even find yourself striving to look or act more like the phantom ex in an attempt to win your narcissistic partner back over. Why the Phantom Ex Is So Common in Insecurely Attached Relationships Insecure attachment styles—anxious, avoidant, and disorganized—fuel the phantom ex phenomenon in different ways: Anxiously attached individuals  obsess over past partners, ruminating over what happened in their old relationship(s) and still seeking validation from their ex. Avoidantly attached individuals  hold onto past partners as a way to maintain some emotional distance from their current relationship, preventing true intimacy & fostering a sense of control. Disorganized attachment  creates an internal conflict where someone may idealize their ex at one moment and vilify them the next, keeping current (& even past) dynamics in a state of constant chaos. Narcissistic partners  strategically invoke the phantom ex/old narcissistic supply to maintain control, create triangulation, and keep their current partner feeling on edge and unsure. How to Break Free from the Phantom Ex Dynamic If you recognize this pattern in your relationship, explore the following: 1. Tag the Patterns Awareness is the first step. Notice when conversations, comparisons, or intrusive thoughts about an ex are disrupting your relationship or self-concept. Explore whether this is really relevant, really about the past, or being used to create insecurity in the present… 2. Stop Playing the Comparison Game You are not in competition with their ex, even if it feels that way. You can only ever be the best version of yourself. The person you’re with today is either emotionally invested in your relationship or they are not. If your partner continues to bring up their ex in a way that makes you feel horrible about yourself, that’s a major red flag and suggests it may be time to move on. 3. If Your Partner is Not a Narcissist, Address it Directly If your partner is still emotionally entangled with their ex—whether through nostalgia, resentment, or unprocessed trauma—you deserve clarity. Have a direct conversation about your boundaries, needs, and desires. Explore whether your partner is truly available to show up in a way that will foster a secure relationship. 4. Heal Your Own Attachment Wounds If you find yourself on their social media, obsessing over your partner’s ex, or feeling consumed by retroactive jealousy, explore what insecurities this is triggering for you. Your relationship with yourself deserves that attention—not their ex's Instagram. Therapy or attachment coaching (with a reputable professional) can help rewire insecure attachment tendencies that make you prone to these debilitating comparisons.  5. Set Boundaries Around Triangulation If a narcissistic or emotionally manipulative partner is using their ex to control or scare you, recognize this as a tactic. Whether it is being weaponized consciously or unconsciously, it is extremely inappropriate. It’s so important to consider whether this relationship is emotionally healthy for you and whether it is serving you in this chapter of your life. Need Help Navigating This? If you recognize yourself in these dynamics and want to break free from a toxic relationship, therapy can help you begin this process. I specialize in attachment-focused therapy and narcissistic abuse recovery, helping individuals process painful experiences like these.  We are here to help: Read more about the services offered by Two Lights Therapy Center :   https://www.twolightstherapy.com/ https://www.twolightstherapy.com/attachment Want to continue this conversation with an expert?  Virtual Sessions can be scheduled by emailing: hello@twolightstherapy.com  or by visiting:   https://www.twolightstherapy.com/contact     Two Lights Therapy Center PLLC | Chicago, Illinois Narcissistic Abuse Recovery Experts & Attachment Style Specialists Please Note: The information provided in these blog posts is for informational and educational purposes only. It is not intended to be a substitute for professional therapy or therapeutic services. While these blogs are written by licensed psychotherapists, readers should not use this content as a replacement for individualized advice or treatment. If you are experiencing a crisis or need immediate assistance, please call 911 or contact other emergency services in your area.

Open and honest communication in a narcissistic dynamic is almost always an impossibility. Attempts at communication will be punished and will leave you feeling confused, hurt, and inadequate. In this post, we’ll look at some of the common questions clients have related to communicating with a narcissist. You may find them shockingly relatable as these patterns are consistent and pervasive in most dynamics with narcissists. If you're struggling to articulate your thoughts or feel that your every plea is misinterpreted, read on to uncover why these issues occur—and remember, it’s not your fault. Articulating Yourself Face-to-Face with a Narcissistic Partner Common Question: I know exactly what I want to say to them (the narcissist). I write scripts, make lists, and rehearse my points so I can advocate for myself. Yet when I’m face-to-face with a narcissist, I freeze. I struggle to articulate my thoughts clearly in the moment—even after all my preparation—and end up texting them afterwards to tie up loose ends, only to be accused of causing drama with comments like, “You can never let anything go.” It takes so long to process what just happened that bringing it up again feels futile. Why can’t I just stand up for myself in the moment? The Answer: This is a tale as old as time. When you’re dealing with a narcissist, it can feel like your brain just shuts down—and there’s solid neuroscience behind that reaction. In high-stress moments, your brain’s amygdala (the threat detector) releases stress hormones like adrenaline and cortisol. This “fight, flight, or freeze” response temporarily impairs the prefrontal cortex, the part of your brain that handles rational thought and articulation. Simply put, under acute stress, your ability to express yourself clearly is compromised. Moreover, when your concerns are repeatedly met with punishment or dismissal, it reinforces a cycle where your needs seem unwelcome and unimportant. You find yourself trapped in a loop of revisiting unresolved issues that trigger feelings of shame and defensiveness. This is a natural response to an environment where expressing your feelings is met with hostility. If you had a safe space to share your worries and be heard, you might be better able to break the cycle and truly stand up for yourself. (There’s typically no “better way” or “better time” to bring up your concerns in narcissistic relationships—even though they’ll insist your timing is always off.) Confusing Conversations with the Narcissist: Why You Feel Misunderstood The Question: Why do our conversations leave me more confused than before they started? They often make me feel stupid or inadequate. I can never get my wording just right, and I’m constantly told that the way I express things doesn’t make sense. I worry I’m not an effective communicator or that I’m overcomplicating our interactions. I know I’m a pretty smart person—so why do I always end up feeling like an idiot after trying to express myself? The Answer: Vulnerable expressions of emotion are the narcissistic person’s playground. These are typically the moments where their manipulation and gaslighting skills really shine. You KNOW you’re a smart person yet, they manage to make you feel like maybe you’re even wrong about that!  For them, even the slightest hint of criticism (no matter how carefully sugar-coated) is perceived as a personal attack. That sets off their shame-rage cycle: the shame they feel quickly morphs into rage as a self-protective mechanism, and all too often, the only way they know how to cope is by dragging you down with them. They do this by criticizing your approach, nitpicking semantics, twisting your words, and introducing a whole lot of confusion. Feeling Like a Burden in a Narcissistic Relationship Common Question: Why does it feel like I’m constantly nagging and killing the mood? I consider myself to be a pretty chill person. I don’t want to be in constant conflict with my partner, but I feel compelled to bring attention back to the challenges in our relationship because they never seem to get addressed. The Answer: What a narcissistic person’s annoyance often reflects is their deep-seated discomfort with accountability. When you bring up an issue they’d rather ignore, you’re typically accused of killing the mood or nagging. Narcissists tend to dismiss or even twist genuine concerns into personal attacks, making you feel as if you’re the one causing all the problems. This isn’t about you—this is a defense mechanism. They deflect responsibility by portraying your valid points as burdensome, leaving you questioning whether you’re overreacting or simply being “crazy” (their word—not ours). Remember, your desire to address issues and improve the relationship is valid—even if their response makes you feel otherwise. It’s not about you, but it is incredibly difficult not to take it personally. If this sounds familiar, reach out for support. Learn about our narcissistic personality & narcissistic abuse therapy services: Read  more about the services offered by Two Lights Therapy Center :   https://www.twolightstherapy.com/ Want to get scheduled with a therapist who specializes in narcissism?  Virtual Sessions for survivors can be scheduled by emailing: hello@twolightstherapy.com  or by visiting:   https://www.twolightstherapy.com/contact     Two Lights Therapy Center PLLC | Chicago, Illinois Narcissistic Abuse Recovery Therapist Please Note: The information provided in these blog posts is for informational and educational purposes only. It is not intended to be a substitute for professional therapy or therapeutic services. While these blogs are written by licensed psychotherapists, readers should not use this content as a replacement for individualized advice or treatment. If you are experiencing a crisis or need immediate assistance, please call 911 or contact other emergency services in your area.

This blog will not resonate with every single person who has been in a narcissistic relationship, but it likely will for a majority. If you’re honest with yourself, did/does a part of you find it difficult to walk away because sex with the narcissist feels like the best you’ve ever had? Many people who have been in relationships with a narcissist will say: "I know our relationship was so toxic, but the sex was like nothing I’ve ever experienced before." The intensity, passion, and emotional highs can feel intoxicating—almost like a drug. But why does sex with a narcissist feel so addictive? And more importantly, how do you break free without losing the part of you that craves deep, powerful connection? The answer lies in brain chemistry, attachment trauma, and the illusion of passion that narcissistic partners often create in the bedroom. The Illusion of Intimacy: Why Sex with a Narcissist Feels So Intense Sex with a narcissist can feel unlike anything else—often, it’s one of the only times you feel truly connected to them. Outside the bedroom, they may be distant, avoidant, dismissive, or emotionally unavailable—but during sex, their full attention is on you, creating the illusion of deep intimacy. This intensity can feel euphoric and even addictive because it’s one of the rare moments where you feel bonded, desired, seen, sexy, and emotionally connected. But the unfortunate reality? The high is always followed by an intense emotional crash, reinforcing the power imbalance that keeps you hooked. The Dopamine Trap: Why You Crave the Narcissist’s Love & Attention If there’s one thing I wish I could shout from the rooftops, it would be this: The rush you feel with a narcissist is chemical. A NEUROCHEMICAL CON-JOB!!! Narcissists are masters of intermittent reinforcement (also known as partial reward schedules). They create an unpredictable cycle of attention and avoidance—one moment, they make you feel like the sexiest, most desired person in the world; the next, they withdraw, leaving you desperate for the next “hit” of their affection. This kind of hot-and-cold dynamic hijacks your brain’s reward system, flooding you with dopamine—the same neurotransmitter involved in addiction. But here’s where it gets even trickier: For many people, this isn’t just about the narcissist (they aren’t that special)—it’s about a nervous system wired to expect inconsistency. If, in your earliest experiences with love, affection felt unpredictable—sometimes warm and available, but more often distant or conditional—your nervous system learned to equate uncertainty with intensity. So when a narcissistic partner pulls away and then gives you attention again, it doesn’t just create longing—it reinforces the idea that love must be earned, chased, or fought for. Suddenly, you’re playing a game you never signed up for—a game where anxiety feels like attraction and chemistry is just chaos in disguise. Mistaking Power Struggles for Passion: The Narcissist’s Illusion of Depth A relationship with a narcissist often feels deep and destined—like no one else has ever seen you the way they do. They might even say things like: "I’ve never felt this way about anyone else before." "You and I are different from other people—we just get each other." "I feel like I know you better than you even know yourself." "I think I know you better than anyone else in your life." That depth is an illusion. What feels like soul-level intimacy is often just a high-stakes power struggle—one where love and validation must be earned, not freely given. If this realization stings, I hear you. A decade ago, I would have slammed my laptop shut right about now. But here’s the truth: Real intimacy isn’t about winning someone’s attention back—it’s about feeling safe enough that you never had to prove your worth in the first place. And here’s the kicker: True passion doesn’t come from instability—it comes from real presence. A partner who is: ✔ Securely attached ✔ Emotionally attuned to you ✔ Aware of your desires ✔ Able to hold space for both your strength and vulnerability ...that’s what creates intensity.  That is sexy. How to Break Free from the Narcissist’s Sexual Hold (Without Losing the Spark) One of the biggest fears of leaving a narcissistic relationship is: What if I never feel this kind of passion again? What if sex in a healthy relationship feels boring? I hear you. If you’re wired for intensity, the idea of settling into a stable relationship can feel like trading passion for boredom— which is why so many people go back to the chaos ( most of us do, multiple times ). The fear of being with a nice, stable partner but having no chemistry is a real concern. The reality is, intensity doesn’t have to mean instability. Mind-blowing, passionate sex can exist in safe, healthy relationships. In fact, it can be even better—because instead of being fueled by anxiety, it’s fueled by trust, playfulness, and deep emotional & sexual attunement. Dominance, surrender, and raw desire don’t disappear in the right, healthy relationship—they just become more expansive. Instead of chasing validation or fearing abandonment, you’re free to explore pleasure on your own terms, knowing the connection doesn’t vanish once the moment ends. Rewiring Your Attraction: How to Make Stability Feel Sexy Breaking free from a narcissistic dynamic isn’t just about walking away—it’s about rewiring what feels good in relationships. This means actively working on: Distinguishing between healthy sexual excitement and toxic intensity Expanding what turns you on beyond the adrenaline rush of being “chosen” Letting your nervous system recalibrate so that safety starts to feel sexy Exploring new, intense fantasies that center consent, communication, and mutual desire Things will still be wild again one day. Passion was never the problem. It was just misplaced in the hands of someone who never deserved it. One last thing to remember: The sex wasn’t good because THEY were there—it was good because YOU were there, and it provided you with an exciting space to explore your own sexuality. That exploration doesn’t have to stop just because they’re gone. There are many more opportunities ahead of you to continue that important work. What is a partial reward schedule ? Here are two more blogs on that topic!: https://www.twolightstherapy.com/post/the-simplified-neuroscience-of-trauma-bonds-how-narcissistic-abuse-can-hijack-your-brain-part-1 https://www.twolightstherapy.com/post/part-2-how-a-trauma-bond-forms-and-progresses-through-a-simplified-neuroscience-lens We are here to help: Read  more about the services offered by Two Lights Therapy Center :   https://www.twolightstherapy.com/ Want to continue this conversation?  Virtual Sessions for survivors can be scheduled by emailing: hello@twolightstherapy.com  or by visiting:   https://www.twolightstherapy.com/contact     Two Lights Therapy Center PLLC | Chicago, Illinois Narcissistic Abuse Recovery Experts Please Note: The information provided in these blog posts is for informational and educational purposes only. It is not intended to be a substitute for professional therapy or therapeutic services. While these blogs are written by licensed psychotherapists, readers should not use this content as a replacement for individualized advice or treatment. If you are experiencing a crisis or need immediate assistance, please call 911 or contact other emergency services in your area.

As mentioned in many of our blogs, finding the right therapist for narcissistic abuse recovery can feel overwhelming . If you've tried searching "narcissistic abuse therapy near me" and haven't found what you're looking for, it might be best to check out some directories. Below are a few of our favorite ways to explore the available options. Look for a therapist with proof of advanced certifications, and avoid anyone whose promises seem too good to be true. Unfortunately, there is no “quick fix” or “magic tool” during emotional abuse recovery. However, with the right support, your progress will be accelerated. Below are some therapist directories that might be helpful! Find Narcissistic Abuse Therapists on:  Psychology Today : https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/therapists/illinois?category=narcissistic-personality Therapy Den : https://www.therapyden.com/ Mental Health Match : https://mentalhealthmatch.com/search/section-1/step-2 Choosing Therapy : https://www.choosingtherapy.com/   GoodTherapy : https://www.goodtherapy.org/ Not sure what to search? Try terms such as: licensed therapist for emotional abuse, certified narcissistic abuse treatment clinician near me or narcissistic abuse therapist near me. Keep in mind that therapists can only offer services in the states where they hold a clinical license. While this can make your search more challenging, don't give up hope! Finding a therapist who is the right fit for you can take a bit of time. It will be worth it. :) Reliable Care is Within Reach. Read more about the services offered by Two Lights Therapy Center :   https://www.twolightstherapy.com/ Want to work with a therapist who specializes in narcissism?  Virtual Sessions for survivors can be scheduled by emailing: hello@twolightstherapy.com  or by visiting:   https://www.twolightstherapy.com/contact     Two Lights Therapy Center PLLC | Chicago, Illinois Narcissism Therapy & Narcissistic Abuse Recovery Experts Please Note: The information provided in these blog posts is for informational and educational purposes only. It is not intended to be a substitute for professional therapy or therapeutic services. While these blogs are written by licensed psychotherapists, readers should not use this content as a replacement for individualized advice or treatment. If you are experiencing a crisis or need immediate assistance, please call 911 or contact other emergency services in your area.

If you’re looking for a narcissistic abuse therapist, finding the right fit is crucial. Therapists are not one-size-fits-all, and not all therapists understand the unique dynamics of narcissistic relationships. The wrong approach can slow your healing— or even cause harm, making you feel even more gaslighted or misunderstood. We don’t gatekeep here at Two Lights Therapy Center, but we are passionate about clients receiving the care they deserve. Therapy is relational— finding the right therapist will be one of the most important things you do moving forward.  Here are four red flags to watch out for when choosing a therapist for narcissistic abuse recovery:  1. Narcissistic Abuse Therapist Red Flag: They Police Your Language If your therapist shuts you down for calling your partner narcissistic— even after you've experienced emotional abuse, gaslighting, trauma bonding, and manipulation—that’s a red flag. While therapists shouldn’t diagnose people who aren’t their clients, their first priority should be your safety and stabilization, not tone-policing or debating semantics. If your therapist dismisses your reality instead of helping you process and heal, they may lack an understanding of narcissistic abuse— or even trauma in general. A good therapist meets you where you are and mirrors your language in a way that makes you feel seen, heard, and validated. If they’re more focused on gatekeeping terminology or using their credentials to undermine your experience, that’s not expertise—it’s ego. Sure, a therapist may gently correct misconceptions or provide updated psychoeducation, but if it feels belittling or invalidating, that’s a sign to reevaluate the fit. P.S. !! HOT TAKE: It’s also a bit concerning if a therapist dismisses your attempts to educate yourself through platforms like YouTube, TikTok, or Reddit. Yes, internet content should be consumed critically, but there are many valuable, accessible resources out there. Dismissing everything outright (especially when experts like Dr. Ramani offer so many amazing, free resources) feels out of touch. You deserve a therapist who respects your curiosity and helps you discern credible information rather than shaming you for seeking it. 2. Narcissistic Abuse Therapist Red Flag: They Over-Emphasize Boundaries Setting boundaries is essential in most relationships, but boundaries don’t stop abuse in narcissistic dynamics. If your therapist frames boundaries as the primary solution, they may misunderstand the power imbalances at play. In narcissistic relationships, boundaries are often met with punishment, escalation, or manipulation. A therapist who overemphasizes them may unknowingly perpetuate victim-blaming instead of guiding you toward true narcissistic abuse recovery. While setting boundaries with yourself might be a huge part of your healing, narcissistic folks trample over boundaries (and have fun doing so!). The best boundary to set with a narcissist comes in the form of "low-contact" or "no-contact"! Unfortunately, this isn't always possible. The right therapist will help you discern which boundaries are useful and which are only going to bring more disappointment. 3. Narcissistic Abuse Therapist Red Flag: They Focus on “Better Communication” If a therapist suggests that improving communication will resolve your relationship issues, they don’t understand narcissistic abuse dynamics. The problem isn’t how you communicate— it’s that a narcissistic partner distorts, deflects, and invalidates. No amount of clear or calm communication can change a relationship where power and coercive control are the real issues. That said, your therapist SHOULD teach you about ways to communicate that protect your peace and keep you out of harm’s way. These techniques are necessary tools to be used in only specific circumstances.  4. Narcissistic Abuse Therapist Red Flag: They Recommend Couples Therapy as a First Step Oof! A therapist who immediately suggests couples therapy for narcissistic abuse is a major red flag. Couples therapy can become a playground for narcissists, allowing them to: Manipulate the narrative & gain sympathy Turn the therapist against you, making you feel even more isolated (unfortunately, this is more common that people recognize) Use/learn more therapy language to further control you Narcissistic abuse therapy should center your healing first— not focus on fixing a dynamic that is running on power and control. Unless your couple's therapist specifically works with narcissistic relationships, attempts at repair in this setting can cause more damage, pain, confusion, and chaos. Finding the Right Therapist for Narcissistic Abuse Recovery When searching for a therapist for narcissistic abuse, look for one who: Offers proof of advanced training Is (ideally) a Certified Narcissisted Abuse Treatment Clinician (NATC) Understands narcissistic abuse dynamics Prioritizes your safety, healing, and autonomy Validates your experience instead of minimizing or policing your reality Provides trauma-informed, narcissism-informed care The right narcissistic abuse therapist won’t just tell you to set boundaries or communicate better—they’ll help you reclaim your reality, heal from emotional abuse, and find safety in relationships moving forward (including your therapeutic ones). Therapy should be a corrective experience. It should never make you feel more judged. Are you feeling ready to start therapy? Read more about how Two Lights Therapy Center works with survivors of narcissistic abuse:   https://www.twolightstherapy.com/ Want to work with a narcissism expert?  Virtual Narcissistic Abuse Recovery Sessions for survivors can be booked by emailing: hello@twolightstherapy.com  or by visiting:   https://www.twolightstherapy.com/contact   Two Lights Therapy Center PLLC | Chicago, Illinois Narcissism Therapy & Narcissistic Abuse Recovery Experts Please Note: The information provided in these blog posts is for informational and educational purposes only. It is not intended to be a substitute for professional therapy or therapeutic services. While these blogs are written by licensed psychotherapists, readers should not use this content as a replacement for individualized advice or treatment. If you are experiencing a crisis or need immediate assistance, please call 911 or contact other emergency services in your area.

We understand that starting therapy, especially for narcissistic abuse recovery or narcissistic tendencies, can come with a lot of questions and concerns. Many people worry about whether their experiences are "serious enough," if they'll be pressured to leave their relationship, or if their therapist will truly understand their situation. This blog expands on some of our most frequently asked questions to give you a clearer sense of our approach and what to expect from therapy at Two Lights Therapy Center. I’m not ready to leave my partner and may not want to leave at all. However, I’m worried my therapist will push me to exit the relationship or judge me for staying if I come in for therapy. Does your treatment take this into account? Whether you stay or go is completely up to you. Encouraging you to leave your partner or cut someone out of your life is not a part of our agenda. You will be provided with psycho-education, tools, and prompts for reflection. This is a judgment-free space to learn & to discuss all of your options.  Oftentimes, we are simply not ready to leave. Shaming ourselves for this reality only does more harm. Some might ask, “But would you ever really be ready given the power of a trauma bond”? It’s a fair question that I would respond to by pointing out that while you might never be “really ready”, there typically comes a time when you feel more emotionally (or physically) prepared. We are here to support you, regardless of your timeline.  What if my partner or ex-partner really isn’t a narcissist though? Narcissism is a spectrum, and if you are at the point of seeking out our services, it would be unusual for your concerns to lack all validity. If we conclude that narcissistic abuse is not occurring, we will be able to continue our work together to explore what factors are causing the distress in your life and relationships. Once in a while, someone with severe dismissive avoidant attachment gets mistaken for a narcissist, and while this distinction can be important, the behaviors and traits of both often cause harm. Thankfully, Erika Koch-Weser also specializes in attachment theory and attachment challenges and can help you navigate this situation. Sometimes, I worry that I might be a narcissist. What if I’m the problem? We hear this a lot. Ninety-nine percent of the time, this is not the case (If you're thinking "Just my luck, I'll be the 1%!"...know that we hear that a lot too). Mirroring of narcissistic behaviors & tendencies is not unusual in these dynamics and is often an adaptive, protective measure. These behaviors that look like "narcissistic tendencies" can also be learned behaviors from childhood if “fighting dirty” was often modeled for you. Together, we can find healthier ways to stay safe and to cope with any big feelings that are showing up.  While we don’t love the term “reactive abuse”, the phenomenon is very real. Reactive abuse in the context of narcissistic abuse occurs when an individual (after enduring prolonged manipulation and gaslighting) lashes out in frustration, only for the narcissistic abuser to weaponize their reaction as “proof” that they are also engaging in “equally abusive” behavior. This manipulative tactic shifts blame, distorts reality, and reinforces the abuser’s control by making the victim feel guilty and unstable. Reactive abuse is a coerced response to chronic boundary violations, strategically used to manipulate both the victim’s self-perception and the way others view the situation. All that said: If you’re genuinely convinced you might have narcissistic traits, Erika Koch-Weser also works with folks who have narcissistic personality disorder or narcissistic tendencies. She can help you explore your concerns. This is a judgment-free space to examine your behaviors and explore your treatment options moving forward.  Therapy terms like “narcissist”, “gaslighting”, & “trauma-bonding” are more mainstream these days & I’ve heard people accuse others of “weaponizing therapy language”. Will you believe me when I share what I’ve been going through? Especially if I’m unsure if my partner or ex-partner is really narcissistic? We will never deny your reality. Our time together in session is not spent diagnosing your partner (you are the client– they are not). Our treatment protocol is much more focused on examining, processing, and undoing any personal harm (to your self-esteem, identity, and mental health) caused by the antagonistic relational stress & conflict you’ve experienced. Educating & equipping you with the tools you need to expedite your healing journey is our main prerogative. In short, at Two Lights Therapy Center, we believe survivors. Erika sometimes says, “Abuse is abuse. I really don’t find myself jumping to decide ‘how bad’ your experience with abuse was in comparison to other’s experiences with abuse. I don’t condone any amount of any of it.”  Erika also answered a similar question here: https://www.twolightstherapy.com/post/a-word-with-erika-part-1-chicago-narcissistic-abuse-recovery-therapist-therapist-for-narcissist How do I know if narcissistic abuse therapy services are right for me? There are a few reasons why people sometimes think our services might not be right for them.  If you’re not sure if our services are right for you because you’re concerned your experience might not be “bad enough” to warrant specialized treatment– please know your experience is valid. We want to hear about it. We want to support you. This kind of distorted thinking is common & could be an effect of the antagonistic relational stress you’ve been experiencing.  If you think you might be challenged by some of your own narcissistic traits, but you’re unsure– don’t hesitate to book a session to explore your questions with Erika.  If you are actively in danger or experiencing a crisis, we may need to redirect you to a higher level of care to ensure your immediate safety (especially given that our services are virtual). While we are deeply committed to supporting you on your healing journey, Two Lights Therapy Center is not a crisis response service, and we are unable to provide real-time emergency interventions. If you are facing an urgent mental health crisis, such as suicidal thoughts with intent, self-harm, or situations of immediate danger, we strongly encourage you to reach out to emergency services, a crisis hotline, or a specialized crisis center for immediate support. Your safety is our top priority, and we want to ensure that you receive the right level of care when you need it most. If you are in crisis, please consider contacting: National Suicide & Crisis Lifeline: Call or text 988 (available 24/7) Crisis Text Line: Text HOME to 741741 for confidential support Emergency Services: Call 911 or visit the nearest emergency room if you are in immediate danger For ongoing, weekly support, we are here to help you navigate long-term healing in a structured, therapeutic setting. If there is another reason why you feel our services might not be right for you-- feel free to contact us to ask!  We hope this deeper dive into our FAQs provides clarity and reassurance as you consider your next steps. If you have additional questions or concerns, we encourage you to reach out—we want you to feel confident that our services are the right fit for your needs. At Two Lights Therapy Center, we’re here to meet you where you are, without judgment or pressure. Want more information on narcissistic abuse therapy? Read more about how Two Lights Therapy Center works with survivors of narcissistic abuse:   https://www.twolightstherapy.com/ Want to work with a narcissistic abuse therapist?  Virtual Narcissistic Abuse Recovery Sessions for survivors can be booked by emailing: hello@twolightstherapy.com  or by visiting:   https://www.twolightstherapy.com/contact   _________________________________________________________________________________ Two Lights Therapy Center | Chicago, Illinois. Narcissistic Personality Therapy & Narcissistic Abuse Recovery Specialists Please Note: The information provided in these blog posts is for informational and educational purposes only. It is not intended to be a substitute for professional therapy or therapeutic services. While these blogs are written by licensed psychotherapists, readers should not use this content as a replacement for individualized advice or treatment. If you are experiencing a crisis or need immediate assistance, please call 911 or contact other emergency services in your area.

Okay— the title is a little clickbait-y. Of course, as a narcissistic abuse therapist, I want to see my clients’ anxiety levels decrease— but in this blog, I’ll explain why that is not my main focus at the beginning of our work together. As a therapist, my own emotional experience in a session is not something I share with my clients— it’s mine to manage. That said, I will share here that one of the most personally heartbreaking things I hear on a daily basis is this: “I can’t leave this abusive relationship, but I need you to take my anxiety away. What can we do today to make it stop? I can’t experience this for another week.” We therapists often tell our clients that we wish we had a magic wand. This is one of those moments where I wish I did— and where I have to gently manage expectations. While I understand that anxiety can feel unbearable, my job is not to eliminate or banish it as quickly as possible. Instead, I want to invite it into the space and listen to it together while implementing coping tools strategically. Below, I’ll explore why. 1. Anxiety During or After Narcissistic Abuse Is an Expected, Understandable Reaction Insurance companies oftentimes require certain, formal diagnoses before they will cover the costs associated with therapy. This is part of why my practice does not accept insurance— because your reaction to narcissistic abuse is not pathological. It is expected. It is a natural response to prolonged or ongoing antagonistic relational stress. In some ways, it’s even a healthy response– your body and brain are warning you of an immediate threat to your safety. If I don’t feel a code that is eligible/required for insurance reimbursement is appropriate, I am not going to use it in my documentation/put it on your records. Further shaming/blaming clients by immediately assigning labels and identifying them as the one in the relationship who needs to take a serious look at themselves (or “fix themselves”) feels inherently wrong. This is not to say healing isn’t necessary; however, this is not something you did to yourself– this is something someone else did to you. I would be gaslighting you if I told you your anxiety was the problem in this situation or that your reaction wholly spoke to an underlying disorder. It is simply proof that you have been harmed. 2. Anxiety During or After Narcissistic Abuse Is Communicating Something to Us Your anxiety is trying to tell you something. As a therapist who integrates parts work, I will never ask that part of you to simply go away. Instead, I want to invite it in and get curious about what this anxiety is so desperately trying to say. Is it warning you that you are still in a dangerous or emotionally unsafe situation? Is it surfacing grief and loss over the relationship you once believed could be everything you'd ever wanted? Is it signaling that you have unmet needs— for love, for validation, for security, for closure? Rather than silencing your anxiety, we need to listen to it carefully. 3. If a Trauma Bond Has Formed From Narcissistic Abuse, Anxiety Is Inevitable A trauma bond forms when a relationship cycles between intense highs and devastating lows, creating a deep psychological attachment that mimics addiction in many ways. When a person who has hurt you is also the one providing fleeting relief, your nervous system is constantly activated— waiting for the next moment of validation and dreading the next emotional withdrawal. This push-pull dynamic rewires your brain to associate love with your survival (don’t worry– we can change this). It’s why leaving feels impossible, why silence from them feels excruciating, and why the idea of living without them might feel more anxiety-inducing than the abuse itself. So when clients say, “I just need the anxiety to stop,” I understand, but this is not just anxiety— it’s similar to withdrawal. Just like in addiction recovery, the solution is not simply to numb the discomfort, but to detox from the cycle itself in a safe way. Cold turkey doesn’t always work, and each case needs to be approached differently. 4. Repressing The Feelings (Caused By Narcissistic Abuse) Before Exploring Them Is Self-Gaslighting I’m sure you’ve already been told plenty of times to: “Calm down.” “Relax.” “Chill out.” “Regulate.” "Don't be so dramatic." "Stop being so sensitive." You already know your nervous system is on fire. You already feel dysregulated. I’m not going to be another voice telling you that this, in itself, is a problem. I’m not going to be another echoing reminder that this situation is a mess that needs to be cleaned up.  Instead of forcing yourself to shove down your emotions or convincing yourself you're being "too much," I want to validate your experience. I will also be teaching you new ways to validate your own emotions. The moment you start telling yourself, “I shouldn’t feel this way,”  or “I need to stop being so anxious,”  you are continuing the gaslighting that the narcissist started (and they may even be off the clock at this point— let's not do their job).  Final Thoughts: Healing Begins With Understanding, Not Erasure If I could take your anxiety away instantly, I would. I know how much you want relief, but if we try to erase your anxiety before we understand it, we risk silencing something important. We risk suppressing the very emotions that are trying to lead you toward clarity. We risk convincing you that you  are the problem— when in reality, your anxiety is proof that your mind and body are responding exactly as they should. So no— my first priority is not reducing your anxiety. My first priority is helping you make sense of it– because that is where real healing begins. Ready to take the next step? Read more about how Two Lights Therapy Center works with survivors of narcissistic abuse:   https://www.twolightstherapy.com/ Want to work with a narcissism specialist like Erika Koch-Weser?  Virtual Narcissistic Abuse Recovery Sessions for survivors can be booked by emailing: hello@twolightstherapy.com  or by visiting:   https://www.twolightstherapy.com/contact   _________________________________________________________________________________ Two Lights Therapy Center | Chicago, Illinois. Narcissistic Personality Therapy & Narcissistic Abuse Recovery Specialists Please Note: The information provided in these blog posts is for informational and educational purposes only. It is not intended to be a substitute for professional therapy or therapeutic services. While these blogs are written by licensed psychotherapists, readers should not use this content as a replacement for individualized advice or treatment. If you are experiencing a crisis or need immediate assistance, please call 911 or contact other emergency services in your area.

When you're in an abusive or antagonistic relationship, the harsh reality is that the label you assign to the person who is hurting you may not matter as much as the patterns of behavior they continually exhibit. What truly matters is recognizing how their actions are affecting you and understanding the absence of key elements required for a healthy relationship (such as respect, trust, and emotional safety). It's completely valid to feel that knowing whether or not this person is a diagnosable narcissist is important—it can provide a sense of clarity, validation, and even vindication. However, it’s worth considering the following insights before deciding how much weight to place on this label in the broader context of your well-being and the relationship dynamic. Regardless of Whether or Not This Person is a Narcissist, You Can’t Build a Relationship Without Accountability In narcissistic relationships, true accountability is often missing completely. A narcissist’s inability to acknowledge their role in conflicts or take responsibility for their actions creates an environment where trust and growth of the relationship are nearly impossible. As a narcissistic abuse therapist, I frequently work with individuals who feel trapped in these dynamics, questioning their reality and blaming themselves for the chaos. Your efforts at taking accountability for a narcissistic person’s abusive patterns will only cause you harm. It’s important to understand that without accountability on both sides of a relationship, a healthy and fulfilling dynamic simply cannot exist. Regardless of Whether or Not This Person is Narcissistic, You Can’t Build a Relationship Without Communication Effective communication is the foundation of any healthy relationship, romantic partner or otherwise. In the context of narcissistic abuse, however, communication is often weaponized and becomes something to be feared instead of cherished. Narcissists may deflect, stonewall, or engage in gaslighting, leaving you feeling unheard and invalidated. Your attempts at honesty or communication likely do not end well most of the time. If you cannot share your feelings with someone, you cannot build a sustainable relationship with them. As an abuse therapist specializing in narcissistic relationships, I help clients recognize these patterns and develop tools to navigate the emotional harm caused by a lack of communication. Healthy relationships require open, respectful dialogue—something that may not be possible with a partner unwilling to engage. Regardless of Whether or Not You’re in a Narcissistic Relationship, You Can’t Build a Relationship With Someone Who Sees You as an Adversary When someone’s unresolved shame causes them to view you as an adversary rather than a partner, the relationship becomes inherently antagonistic. Narcissistic abuse often stems from this deep, unexplored shame, leading the narcissist to project their insecurities onto their partner. Much of the time, a narcissistic person who has targeted you also envies or admires you. Jealousy and comparison can be poison in any relationship. This aforementioned dynamic fosters a cycle of conflict, manipulation, and pain. Navigating narcissistic relationships or recovering from narcissistic abuse can be very challenging. As a Chicago narcissistic abuse therapist, I specialize in helping individuals recognize toxic patterns, heal from emotional abuse, and rebuild their lives/identities. Take the first step toward healing today by reaching out for support. Ready to take the next step? Read more about how Two Lights Therapy Center works with survivors of narcissistic abuse:   https://www.twolightstherapy.com/ Narcissistic Personality Style? Read more about how Two Lights Therapy Center works with narcissistic tendencies:   https://www.twolightstherapy.com/narcissistic-tendencies Want to work with a narcissism specialist?  Virtual Narcissistic Abuse Recovery Sessions for survivors can be booked by emailing: hello@twolightstherapy.com  or by visiting:   https://www.twolightstherapy.com/contact   _________________________________________________________________________________ Two Lights Therapy Center | Chicago, Illinois. Narcissistic Personality Therapy & Narcissistic Abuse Recovery Specialists Please Note: The information provided in these blog posts is for informational and educational purposes only. It is not intended to be a substitute for professional therapy or therapeutic services. While these blogs are written by licensed psychotherapists, readers should not use this content as a replacement for individualized advice or treatment. If you are experiencing a crisis or need immediate assistance, please call 911 or contact other emergency services in your area.

Recovering from narcissistic abuse or antagonistic relational stress is a complex and deeply personal process. While common, mainstream advice often focuses on cutting ties quickly and “moving on”, these counterintuitive approaches should be considered and can help you honor your emotions, building a better foundation for long-term healing. Accept All Your Feelings Without Judgment One of the most important steps in this kind of healing is to accept and honor all your feelings without judgment, including your feelings of love for the narcissistic person in your life. It might feel contradictory to acknowledge that you still love someone who caused you harm, but two things can be true at the same time: you can love them and also accept that the relationship cannot continue. Shaming or judging yourself for your lived experience only slows the healing process. Instead, practice self-compassion by acknowledging your feelings as real and valid. Healing often begins with embracing the complexity of your emotions rather than forcing them to fit into neat categories of "right" or "wrong." You don't have to hate the person that is hurting you in order to leave. Don’t Rush the Healing Process We all wish we'd left sooner, but we need to be realistic– healing doesn’t happen overnight. If it’s safe to do so , take the time you need before severing ties, honoring your own pace. Rushing through the process can lead to unresolved feelings, deepened self-doubt, and even a quick return to the same antagonistic relationship. Many people who leave toxic relationships suddenly or prematurely find themselves questioning whether they "tried everything to make it work", feeding into growing self-doubt and regret. This is a hill I will die on– if it’s safe to do so, you shouldn’t leave until that is YOUR decision that YOU have made. You shouldn't go low-contact or no-contact simply because your friends/family demanded that you do so. Self-determination is a gift you should give to yourself to manifest more empowerment. You’ve spent so much time with someone who has made every decision for you or, at the very least, insulted your ideas. This time– this is yours. Let it be your idea. Let it be your choice. Sometimes, experiencing more discomfort is necessary to feel confident in your decision to leave. This process isn’t about prolonging pain/ putting yourself in danger, but rather about giving yourself the time and space to work through the many emotional layers so you can move forward with clarity and some confidence. Disclaimer: When Safety Is a Concern If you are being abused in a way that makes you fear for your life or safety, this advice does not apply.  Narcissism exists on a spectrum, and malignant narcissists are capable of inflicting severe harm. In these cases, prioritizing your safety and seeking immediate help is critical. Please note: this blog is not giving anyone prolonged permission to stay in a relationship with someone who is actively harming them mentally or emotionally. Rather, it honors the complexities of the leaving process, which can be particularly challenging when children, shared assets, shared social systems, or family ties are involved. If you have to ask yourself whether or not this person might hurt you– it is time to leave. Healing with Support Healing from narcissistic abuse can be very overwhelming, and it’s okay to take small, deliberate steps and bite-sized pieces. If you’re navigating this process right now, know that you don’t have to do it alone. As a therapist specializing in narcissistic abuse recovery, I provide compassionate, individualized support to help you reclaim your sense of self and build a brighter future. Ready to take the next step? Read more about how Two Lights Therapy Center works with survivors of narcissistic abuse:   https://www.twolightstherapy.com/ Want to work with a narcissism specialist? Virtual Narcissistic Abuse Recovery Sessions for survivors can be booked by emailing: hello@twolightstherapy.com  or by visiting:   https://www.twolightstherapy.com/contact   _________________________________________________________________________________ Two Lights Therapy Center | Chicago, Illinois. Narcissistic Personality & Abuse Recovery Specialists Please Note: The information provided in these blog posts is for informational and educational purposes only. It is not intended to be a substitute for professional therapy or therapeutic services. While these blogs are written by licensed psychotherapists, readers should not use this content as a replacement for individualized advice or treatment. If you are experiencing a crisis or need immediate assistance, please call 911 or contact other emergency services in your area.

A Judgement-Free Space to Explore Therapy for Narcissistic Individuals For individuals challenged with narcissistic tendencies or narcissistic personality disorder, seeking therapy can feel daunting or even downright unsafe (to their nervous systems). Many worry about being judged, criticized, or labeled. Unconsciously or consciously, many individuals know that the therapeutic space can trigger or worsen their shame. A skilled narcissism therapist understands the importance of creating a relaxed, safe, non-judgmental environment. This judgment-free space allows for attempts at honest self-reflection, fostering trust and openness that are essential for meaningful change to have a chance. This kind of work can take a substantial amount of time, so creating a comfortable space is extremely necessary. Ideally, narcissistic individuals will utilize therapy as a maintenance resource for years and years. Clients will not return if they feel challenged too soon by someone they don’t trust. Many people scoff at the idea of a “narcissist going to therapy”, but by addressing concerns about self-image and relationships in a compassionate setting, therapy for narcissism can become a powerful tool that allows for more stable lives and relationships. There ARE many self-aware narcissistic individuals and – yes, therapy can be helpful to some of them.  The Importance of a Corrective Relationship in Relational Therapy Therapy that integrates relational therapy practices focuses on building a strong, corrective (therapeutic) relationship between the therapist and the client. For individuals with narcissistic personality traits, this relationship can serve as a model for healthier interactions. Sometimes, this therapeutic relationship can actually be one of the strongest relationships a person with these traits can have! This is partially because of the strong boundaries therapists will hold, but it is also due to the fact that therapists don’t push their own agendas. Their client can walk out (retreat) at any time without worrying about their reputation or their emotional safety. This offers these clients a much-needed sense of control. A narcissism therapist also provides consistency, empathy, and accountability, helping clients recognize and break patterns rooted in self-protection and emotional detachment. This therapeutic relationship helps clients to better understand the underlying causes of their narcissistic behaviors, helping them to replace them with more authentic, secure connections. Lowering Demands to Facilitate Transformation Change is only possible when therapy feels safe, and safety comes from reducing external pressures and demands. For individuals with narcissistic personality disorder (NPD), life often revolves around self-protection—masking vulnerabilities to avoid rejection or failure. By lowering the stakes and creating a space where transformation feels less threatening, therapy allows clients to address their core fears (and defectiveness wounds) and explore new ways of thinking and relating. This approach emphasizes subtle changes over judgments or diagnoses, fostering an opportunity for some long-term change. A Note on NPD as a Diagnosis While the term "narcissistic personality disorder" (NPD) remains a recognized diagnosis, many therapists, including myself, find it increasingly outdated. Newer research suggests that what we label as narcissistic personality disorder often represents a spectrum of behaviors rooted in attachment wounds and extreme self-protection mechanisms. Rather than focusing on labels, our therapy emphasizes understanding these behaviors in context, creating space for empathy and change. This shift away from rigid diagnostic categories allows for a more nuanced and individualized approach to therapy. Final Thoughts Therapy for narcissism offers clients the opportunity to heal and transform their relationships, both with themselves and with others. With a judgment-free environment, a trusting, long-term relationship with a therapist, and a focus on safety, meaningful change becomes possible. If you or someone you know is seeking support, a compassionate narcissism therapist can provide the tools and guidance needed.  Disclaimer:  Empathy for narcissistic folks can be difficult to come by, and it must be utilized carefully. There is NO excuse for abusive behavior, and only a trained professional should take on the responsibility of helping a narcissistic individual begin to heal as it will take years before any significant changes are visible.  Read more about how Two Lights Therapy Center works with individuals with narcissistic tendencies: https://www.twolightstherapy.com/narcissistic-tendencies Want to work with a narcissism specialist? Virtual Narcissistic Abuse Recovery Sessions for survivors can be booked by emailing: hello@twolightstherapy.com  or by visiting: https://www.twolightstherapy.com/contact   __________________________________________________________________________________ Two Lights Therapy Center | Chicago, Illinois. Narcissistic Personality & Abuse Recovery Specialists Please Note: The information provided in these blog posts is for informational and educational purposes only. It is not intended to be a substitute for professional therapy or therapeutic services. While these blogs are written by licensed psychotherapists, readers should not use this content as a replacement for individualized advice or treatment. If you are experiencing a crisis or need immediate assistance, please call 911 or contact other emergency services in your area.

Idealization – Dopamine & Oxytocin Surge : At the beginning of the relationship, a narcissistic person might shower you with love, understanding, connection, admiration, affection, and praise. This triggers the release of dopamine , giving you a sense of pleasure, satisfaction, “reward”, and motivation. Your dopamine system will begin to “encourage you” to continue and drive you forwards towards the source of satisfaction again & again. At the same time, oxytocin , often called the "bonding hormone," is released during times of closeness, strengthening your emotional attachment and making you feel deeply connected to the narcissistic person in your life.  Devaluation – Cortisol & Stress Response : As the narcissist begins to shift towards devaluation, emotional manipulation, or neglect, your brain releases cortisol , one of the primary stress hormones. This triggers anxiety, fear, confusion, and potentially feelings of abandonment. If you have an insecure attachment style (likely an anxious preoccupied or fearful avoidant/disorganized one), this will be especially true for you. However, because you’ve already experienced the highs of affection, your brain is caught in an emotional conflict—stress and attachment are now tangled together. Navigating this dissonance can be incredibly distressing, triggering more cortisol. Oftentimes, we will avoid examining it more closely at this point because it is too painful to accept. Intermittent Reinforcement – Dopamine, Oxytocin & Uncertainty : As the narcissist periodically offers brief moments of love or affection, the brain is flooded with dopamine  again. These unpredictable "rewards" trigger the release of oxytocin , making you feel close and loved once more. This intermittent reinforcement creates an addictive cycle, where your brain becomes conditioned to crave those fleeting moments of affection. These may manifest as moments of believing that if you just adjust your behavior or “do it right this time”, the relationship could work. You’ll likely begin to believe you are the problem. Moments of affection will continue strengthening the bond despite the emotional abuse. Cognitive Dissonance – Neural Conflict : Your brain experiences cognitive dissonance  as it struggles to reconcile the idealization with the devaluation. The emotional highs (dopamine/sometimes oxytocin) and lows (cortisol) create conflicting signals, making it difficult to break the attachment. At the same time, oxytocin  continues to reinforce the bond, even as the narcissist’s behavior becomes more harmful. Emotional Dependence – Neural Conditioning : Over time, your brain starts to expect and depend on the narcissist’s affection, even when it’s rare or inconsistent. The repeated cycle of dopamine  and oxytocin  release creates a neural pathway that reinforces emotional dependence, causing you to crave that affection, even though it’s often coupled with pain. You begin to believe pain and pleasure are a package deal. You begin to feel (unconsciously or consciously or both) that the pain is worth it for that "dopamine hit" you are craving. This is an incredibly painful place to be mentally. Trauma Bond – Strong Neural Pathways : The combination of dopamine  (reward), oxytocin  (bonding), and cortisol  (stress) creates a deeply ingrained neural pattern. This neurological cocktail helps to form the trauma bond , making you feel as though the narcissist is your soulmate or that the relationship was fated. The bond feels nearly unbreakable because the brain associates the narcissist with both emotional highs and the pain of separation, reinforcing the attachment over time. In short, such an extreme experience begins to feel destined in some way. You may notice there is little mention of serotonin here. I tried to keep this as simple as possible by sticking to 3 neurotransmitters but know this:  SEROTONIN = TRUE “HEALTHY” HAPPINESS  DOPAMINE = PLEASURE/GRATIFICATION (oversimplified-- but you get the idea) Guess what downregulates serotonin? Dopamine. So while you’re on your dopamine roller coaster, stable serotonin levels will be difficult to find. True happiness lies on the other side of your narcissistic dynamic. We are here to support you on your journey. ______________________________________________________________________________ Want to work with a narcissism specialist? Virtual Narcissistic Abuse Recovery Sessions for survivors can be booked by emailing: hello@twolightstherapy.com   Two Lights Therapy Center | Chicago, Illinois. Narcissistic Personality & Abuse Recovery Specialists Disclaimer:  The information provided in these blog posts is for informational and educational purposes only. It is not intended to be a substitute for professional therapy or therapeutic services. Readers should not use this content as a replacement for individualized advice or treatment. If you are experiencing a crisis or need immediate assistance, please call 911 or contact other emergency services in your area.