Okay— the title is a little clickbait-y. Of course, as a narcissistic abuse therapist, I want to see my clients’ anxiety levels decrease— but in this blog, I’ll explain why that is not my main focus at the beginning of our work together. As a therapist, my own emotional experience in a session is not something I share with my clients— it’s mine to manage. That said, I will share here that one of the most personally heartbreaking things I hear on a daily basis is this:
“I can’t leave this abusive relationship, but I need you to take my anxiety away. What can we do today to make it stop? I can’t experience this for another week.”
We therapists often tell our clients that we wish we had a magic wand. This is one of those moments where I wish I did— and where I have to gently manage expectations. While I understand that anxiety can feel unbearable, my job is not to eliminate or banish it as quickly as possible. Instead, I want to invite it into the space and listen to it together while implementing coping tools strategically. Below, I’ll explore why.
1. Anxiety During or After Narcissistic Abuse Is an Expected, Understandable Reaction
Insurance companies oftentimes require certain, formal diagnoses before they will cover the costs associated with therapy. This is part of why my practice does not accept insurance— because your reaction to narcissistic abuse is not pathological. It is expected. It is a natural response to prolonged or ongoing antagonistic relational stress. In some ways, it’s even a healthy response– your body and brain are warning you of an immediate threat to your safety.
If I don’t feel a code that is eligible/required for insurance reimbursement is appropriate, I am not going to use it in my documentation/put it on your records. Further shaming/blaming clients by immediately assigning labels and identifying them as the one in the relationship who needs to take a serious look at themselves (or “fix themselves”) feels inherently wrong. This is not to say healing isn’t necessary; however, this is not something you did to yourself– this is something someone else did to you. I would be gaslighting you if I told you your anxiety was the problem in this situation or that your reaction wholly spoke to an underlying disorder. It is simply proof that you have been harmed.
2. Anxiety During or After Narcissistic Abuse Is Communicating Something to Us
Your anxiety is trying to tell you something. As a therapist who integrates parts work, I will never ask that part of you to simply go away. Instead, I want to invite it in and get curious about what this anxiety is so desperately trying to say.
Is it warning you that you are still in a dangerous or emotionally unsafe situation?
Is it surfacing grief and loss over the relationship you once believed could be everything you'd ever wanted?
Is it signaling that you have unmet needs— for love, for validation, for security, for closure?
Rather than silencing your anxiety, we need to listen to it carefully.
3. If a Trauma Bond Has Formed From Narcissistic Abuse, Anxiety Is Inevitable
A trauma bond forms when a relationship cycles between intense highs and devastating lows, creating a deep psychological attachment that mimics addiction in many ways. When a person who has hurt you is also the one providing fleeting relief, your nervous system is constantly activated— waiting for the next moment of validation and dreading the next emotional withdrawal.
This push-pull dynamic rewires your brain to associate love with your survival (don’t worry– we can change this). It’s why leaving feels impossible, why silence from them feels excruciating, and why the idea of living without them might feel more anxiety-inducing than the abuse itself.
So when clients say, “I just need the anxiety to stop,” I understand, but this is not just anxiety— it’s similar to withdrawal. Just like in addiction recovery, the solution is not simply to numb the discomfort, but to detox from the cycle itself in a safe way. Cold turkey doesn’t always work, and each case needs to be approached differently.
4. Repressing The Feelings (Caused By Narcissistic Abuse) Before Exploring Them Is Self-Gaslighting
I’m sure you’ve already been told plenty of times to:
“Calm down.”
“Relax.”
“Chill out.”
“Regulate.”
"Don't be so dramatic."
"Stop being so sensitive."
You already know your nervous system is on fire. You already feel dysregulated.
I’m not going to be another voice telling you that this, in itself, is a problem. I’m not going to be another echoing reminder that this situation is a mess that needs to be cleaned up.
Instead of forcing yourself to shove down your emotions or convincing yourself you're being "too much," I want to validate your experience. I will also be teaching you new ways to validate your own emotions. The moment you start telling yourself, “I shouldn’t feel this way,” or “I need to stop being so anxious,” you are continuing the gaslighting that the narcissist started (and they may even be off the clock at this point— let's not do their job).
Final Thoughts: Healing Begins With Understanding, Not Erasure
If I could take your anxiety away instantly, I would. I know how much you want relief, but if we try to erase your anxiety before we understand it, we risk silencing something important. We risk suppressing the very emotions that are trying to lead you toward clarity. We risk convincing you that you are the problem— when in reality, your anxiety is proof that your mind and body are responding exactly as they should.
So no— my first priority is not reducing your anxiety. My first priority is helping you make sense of it– because that is where real healing begins.
Ready to take the next step? Read more about how Two Lights Therapy Center works with survivors of narcissistic abuse: https://www.twolightstherapy.com/
Want to work with a narcissism specialist like Erika Koch-Weser? Virtual Narcissistic Abuse Recovery Sessions for survivors can be booked by emailing: hello@twolightstherapy.com or by visiting: https://www.twolightstherapy.com/contact
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Two Lights Therapy Center | Chicago, Illinois.
Narcissistic Personality Therapy & Narcissistic Abuse Recovery Specialists
Please Note: The information provided in these blog posts is for informational and educational purposes only. It is not intended to be a substitute for professional therapy or therapeutic services. While these blogs are written by licensed psychotherapists, readers should not use this content as a replacement for individualized advice or treatment. If you are experiencing a crisis or need immediate assistance, please call 911 or contact other emergency services in your area.