3 Lesser-Known Dismissive Avoidant Personality Traits
- Two Lights Therapy Center | Chicago Narcissism Specialists
- Mar 17
- 5 min read
Updated: Apr 12
Dismissive-avoidant attachment and dismissive avoidant personality traits are often oversimplified. While dismissive avoidants do follow a clear, predictable blueprint, they are also just as complex as other attachment styles. While you might immediately think of hyper-independence, limited capacity for conflict/vulnerability, and emotional detachment, there are some lesser-known signs of dismissive avoidance. Read on to explore some that I think are worth mentioning.
Dismissive Avoidant Personality Traits: Individuals are Hard Workers Who Use Work or Hobbies as a Shield
Dismissive avoidants are often highly ambitious workaholics who appear incredibly driven and dedicated to their careers. They may also set aside (and utilize) significant amounts of time for new (or old) hobbies, workouts, and creative activities. However, this incredible capacity for work has a dark side. More often than not, dismissive avoidants use work and hobbies to avoid being at rest with their feelings. This defense mechanism often appears to be genuine ambition but is also used to soothe a deep defectiveness wound. When faced with any kind of real or perceived relational stress, they will double down on their “workload” and activities rather than confront emotional discomfort.
While hard work and hobbies provide a structured escape from moments of intimacy, dismissive avoidants will often work themselves to burnout and are then faced with both burnout and all of their repressed emotions (which will always surface eventually in one way or another). DAs may feel like this lifestyle keeps them in control when, in reality, avoiding emotional discomfort for prolonged periods can have extreme impacts on them and even their physical health. Some research has shown DAs are at a significantly higher risk of heart issues and autoimmune disorders.
Interestingly enough, some DAs will also show significantly more vulnerability in their professional roles versus in their private lives. This is because, in this arena, they have more control. Take a teacher or professor, for example: If a DA is a professor, they might have a profound passion for the subject they teach and a strong connection with their students. Their students view them as an authority figure, and the DA does not have to disclose any deeply personal information to their colleagues or students. This allows the DA's nervous system to settle, which in turn, allows them to feel comfortable. In addition to this, students come and go! Dismissive avoidant individuals feel much safer when dynamics have an unspoken or unconscious expiration date (more on this later). Similar environments or positions of authority provide enough safety for a DA to thrive.
Dismissive Avoidants are Experts at Intellectualizing Emotions
As we all know, dismissive avoidants would rather do just about anything than deeply feel their emotions. A great way to avoid this is to analyze all their feelings as if they are an outsider or, ironically, even an expert. We call this "intellectualizing" in the therapy world. For example, instead of letting themselves experience grief after a loss, a DA is more likely to remain numb and to say something like:
“I’m doing fine. Loss is difficult for everyone. Of course, I am sad, but people come and go. That’s life. There’s not really much you can do, you know? I cherish the good memories, and I don’t want to dwell on the bad. It’s honestly just not good for anyone mentally to stay in a dark headspace.”
After explaining something like this, they will often change the subject. If asked about something like a breakup, DAs will also downplay the impact, explaining away emotions without acknowledging them:
“Yeah, we ended things. Honestly, it just wasn’t working out. In the grand scheme of things, we weren’t together very long. I really want to focus on myself right now and my career. Breakups happen, and yeah– they suck, but I just want to remove any kind of drama from my life right now. Peace is my priority, and it was always something with my ex… we were just never on the same page.”
Many DAs actually believe most heightened emotions are irrational and immature. If they are going to engage with vulnerability, they’ll reduce complex feelings or dynamics to straightforward, logical explanations. This keeps them at a safe distance from vulnerability, allowing them to still carefully navigate relationships without fully engaging with any emotional depth. As you might expect, relying on cold calculations and logic instead of empathy makes emotional connection difficult. So, ironically, dismissive avoidants tend to cause a lot of discomfort for those around them.
Dismissive Avoidants are Drawn to (Yet Afraid of) Emotionally Intense People
Paradoxically, dismissive avoidants both admire and fear partners who express deep emotions. They are deeply intrigued by the passion and intensity of highly emotionally attuned individuals, yet also feel overwhelmed by it. They are often drawn in by strong emotions but withdraw after the “honeymoon phase” or when the connection becomes too serious or intimate.
As mentioned above, DAs are quite predictable. If a big life transition is suggested, such as moving in together, marriage, or children, many DAs exit their relationships. Many prefer the idea of love over the reality of commitment, enjoying the thought or fantasy of romanticized connections while struggling with the vulnerability and honesty that real relationships require.
DAs especially like relationships with an unconscious expiration date. They will often pursue relationships for the comfort they offer, but if they were being honest, the “safe” relationship was never going to be endgame. A part of them always knew it wouldn’t be “enough,” and ironically, this made it easier to stay in the relationship for longer.
My Final Thoughts as an Attachment Specialist
Understanding these dismissive avoidant personality traits can provide deeper insight into the behavior of DAs. Recognizing these patterns is the first step toward making some changes. Dismissive avoidants have a bad reputation, but like all individuals, they deeply desire connection. These tendencies keep them feeling safe and regulated. It takes time and therapy to see real changes. If this resonates, feel free to reach out to book a session where we can more deeply explore concepts like this one.
Looking for therapy to address your attachment style & move towards secure attachment? Read more about how Two Lights Therapy Center approaches treatment:
Want to work with an attachment specialist for therapy? Virtual Sessions for survivors can be booked by emailing: hello@twolightstherapy.com or by visiting: https://www.twolightstherapy.com/contact
Two Lights Therapy Center PLLC | Chicago, Illinois.
Narcissism & Attachment Therapists
Please Note: The information provided in these blog posts is for informational and educational purposes only. It is not intended to be a substitute for professional therapy or therapeutic services. While these blogs are written by licensed psychotherapists, readers should not use this content as a replacement for individualized advice or treatment. If you are experiencing a crisis or need immediate assistance, please call 911 or contact other emergency services in your area.
