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Anxious-Preoccupied Attachment & Narcissistic Abuse: The Silent Risk Factor

Person with head buried in arms on a wooden table, conveying distress. Light brown hair contrasts with white attire. Soft-lit room mood.

Anxious-Preoccupied Attachment: You're Not "Too Much"—You're Hurting


It has taken me too long to write about my anxious-preoccupied buddies! APs, you are seen, and your stories matter. We’ve talked a lot about our more avoidant friends, but today this blog will explore the more outwardly anxious part of the spectrum.


Folks with anxious-preoccupied attachment styles are often accused of being “clingy,” “too much,” or “too sensitive,” and these labels can cause a great deal of shame (and even self-hatred). These judgments often miss the mark entirely as they fail to recognize the reality of what is being witnessed and the early attachment trauma that caused this reaction. While the internet loves to joke about the people who double-text or spiral when someone takes hours to reply, your anxiety isn’t a punchline. It’s a response to relational wounds, and it deserves compassion, not shame. Therapy can help you find your way back to a more secure version of yourself. Do not give up hope!


A Hidden Cost of Anxious Attachment: Chronic Self-Abandonment


You scan for signs of disconnection, distress, and disinterest…and you prioritize the needs of others, twisting and changing yourself into whatever shape keeps love from leaving or slipping away. You wonder if you were chill enough, cool enough, perfect enough, smart enough…if maybe they’d care more. As you wonder, change, serve, and observe, something is getting lost. In trying not to lose the relationship, you lose yourself. At the center of this attachment style, we find lots of self-abandonment. Where we find the self-abandonment, we will also find some sort of low self-esteem. Until we can love ourselves, loving others in a healthy way can be nearly impossible, and finding healthy love can seem daunting.


Anxious-Preoccupied Attachment & Narcissistic Abuse: Why the Common Pairing?


Are narcissistic folks drawn to anxious-preoccupied individuals? Well…it is not quite that simple. While you may have heard this said, the reality is that it works both ways. Narcissistic partners are often drawn to people (and even secretly admire people) who are highly emotional, intuitive, and eager to please. Anxious-preoccupied individuals are often drawn to people who make them “work” for love. On a quest to finally be “chosen”, anxious-preoccupied folks will often unconsciously be drawn to someone who poses a challenge.


Why might narcissistic individuals intentionally select an anxious partner? Because APs often give the benefit of the doubt. They over-function, over-explain, apologize often, and internalize blame just to preserve the bond. They don’t often demand accountability, and they certainly do not often challenge someone if they think it might mean abandonment. Narcissistic abuse can thrive in this dynamic because the fears of abandonment keep APs feeling “hooked” even when being emotionally starved and bruised. 


You may feel like you’re the problem and the cause of all chaos. You're not. You’re just playing out a nervous system pattern that formed long before this relationship ever began. That said, the last shreds of your peace and happiness will not last long if we do not face what’s happening inside. It's not so much about the specific person who is (right now) making you feel rejected or small. This wound is much older.


You Deserve More Than Breadcrumbs & Broken Promises


Healing from anxious-preoccupied attachment doesn’t mean becoming avoidant. It means becoming secure. It means learning how to stay connected to yourself even when someone else pulls away. It means not abandoning yourself for the sake of being chosen. It means recognizing that love should feel safe, not scary. It means coming home to yourself and choosing yourself instead of needing to feel chosen by someone else.


Therapy for Anxious Attachment & Narcissistic Abuse Recovery


If this hits home, reach out today for specialized therapy that can help you:


  • Identify the origin of your attachment learnings 


  • Identify the beliefs driving your anxious-preoccupied attachment


  • Rebuild trust and self-love within yourself


  • Heal after narcissistic relationships and experiences.



Virtual Narcissistic Abuse Recovery Therapy in Chicago, Illinois


If you’re looking for therapeutic support, learn more about my Narcissistic Abuse Recovery services in Chicago:






 


Two Lights Therapy Center PLLC | Chicago, Illinois.

Narcissistic Abuse Recovery Therapy & Narcissistic Personality Treatment


Please Note: The information provided in these blog posts is for informational and educational purposes only. It is not intended to be a substitute for professional therapy or therapeutic services. While licensed psychotherapists write these blogs, readers should not use this content as a replacement for individualized advice or treatment. If you are experiencing a crisis or need immediate assistance, please call 911 or contact other emergency services in your area. 

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