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Signs It May Be Narcissistic Abuse (Not Just a Toxic Relationship)

Updated: Jun 13

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No one needs permission to leave an unhealthy or toxic relationship. Regardless of whether or not the emotional abuse you are experiencing is narcissistic in nature, you should consider the impact it’s having on your health (physically and mentally). If someone consistently makes you feel small, stupid, belittled, confused, insulted, frustrated, or exhausted…that’s reason enough to go.


That said, it can be healing (in its own way) to understand the patterns you are witnessing. If the challenges you face in your relationship go beyond typical relationship ups and downs, it’s not unusual to want to know what it is you are up against. If you’ve been googling “what is narcissistic abuse” or exploring Reddit threads/YouTube videos/TikToks, or Reels, you may be coming to terms with the fact that your partner seems truly narcissistic. It is a tough pill to swallow.


Narcissistic abuse is unique in its impacts, causing a chaos that is unimaginable unless you’ve been through it yourself. Not only is your self-worth impacted by this kind of abuse, but your very sense of self can get lost in the process (don’t worry, we can get it back). In this blog, we’ll explore a few signs of narcissistic abuse and how it differs from more classic toxicity.


First, a note about labels


Of course, not every difficult partner is a narcissist, and not every toxic relationship involves narcissistic abuse. While that needs to be said, I like to approach that disclaimer with caution. When you are being abused by a narcissist, you’re already unlikely to trust your own judgment, so being constantly reminded that “not everyone is a narcissist” isn’t always helpful.


If your intuition is screaming at you, your concerns are unlikely to lack all validity. Narcissism exists on a continuum, with many people having a few narcissistic traits. If the following bullet points resonate, seek support from a narcissism specialist right away. Narcissistic abuse tends to involve:


  • persistent, stable narcissistic traits (not just occasional “bad behavior” or arguments every so often), and a lack of accountability


  • chronic, intentional gaslighting or tactics to intentionally cause confusion


  • patterns of coercion, control, manipulation, and exploitation


  • erosion of identity, autonomy, and reality over time



1. You experience chronic gaslighting and confusion


Most relationships involve occasional misunderstandings, arguments, and what I like to call "agree-to-disagreements" (if you will). Narcissistic abuse feels different:


  • You are told that your perceptions, feelings, or memories are wrong, even when they clearly are not.


  • You may be been blamed for things you didn’t do or accused of being someone you’re not.


  • You may feel "crazy" trying to make sense of constant contradictions and apparent lies.


  • Important conversations or agreements are later denied, twisted, or ignored altogether.


These are chronic efforts to disorient you and maintain power (not just miscommunications).


 

2. The narcissistic traits are persistent, not occasional


Most people are occasionally selfish or defensive. We can all be jerks sometimes (if we are honest with ourselves). In narcissistically abusive relationships, certain narcissistic traits show up consistently and frequently across contexts:


  • Entitlement: expecting special treatment, prioritization, and excessive admiration


  • Lack of empathy: dismissing your pain, needs, and desires, while seeming to struggle to understand your perspective in any way (almost as if they cannot access empathy at all)


  • Grandiosity: needing attention, superiority, and control


  • Exploitativeness: using others for personal gain, social climbing, weaponizing cognitive-empathy or status


  • Envy and competitiveness: undermining your successes, negging, ruining celebrations


These patterns usually aren’t just situational and are actually stable parts of how this person operates within the context of relationships.



3. The relationship erodes your identity, not only your confidence


One of the most painful and puzzling impacts of narcissistic abuse is the slow or sudden loss of self:


  • You may no longer recognize who you are outside the relationship (or inside it, for that matter).


  • Your preferences, values, friendships, hobbies, or passions may feel blurred or forgotten.


  • You may doubt your ability to trust your own perceptions or make your own decisions.


  • Your nervous system may feel stuck in fight/flight/freeze even after leaving, leaving you feeling “broken” or “difficult”.


This level of identity disruption goes beyond typical relationship damage. It is often the hallmark of prolonged emotional and psychological abuse.



4. You feel trapped in an impossible double bind


When narcissistic abuse is occurring, you can never win:


  • If you assert a need, you are called selfish, difficult, or controlling.


  • If you express distress or unhappiness, you are told you’re too sensitive or emotionally unstable.


  • If you set boundaries, you are punished with the silent treatment or rage.


  • If you comply, you lose yourself even further, and your deepest (and surface-level) needs go unmet.


This results in a state of profound learned helplessness and self-doubt, where no choice feels safe, correct, or intuitively “right”.



5. You feel a deep need for clarity/understanding, yet remain confused about what is happening/has happened


Even after leaving, survivors of narcissistic abuse often ruminate endlessly:


  • "Was it really THAT bad?"


  • “Should I try again?”


  • “Should I take accountability for the things that I did “wrong" in our relationship?”


  • "Am I the narcissist?"


  • "Why can’t I just move on?"


  • "Why do I feel so empty and lost?"


  • “Is anyone even going to want to be around me? I’m such a mess.”


  • "I'm probably annoying everyone with my problems...I shouldn't ask for support."


This post-abuse confusion-spiral is common, and it speaks to the way narcissistic abuse targets your very sense of reality.



Healing from Narcissistic Abuse begins with clarity


If you recognize yourself in these patterns, know this:


You didn’t imagine it. We believe you. You are not broken. The fact that you’re seeking understanding is a sign of strength, not weakness.


Whether or not your partner would meet criteria for narcissistic personality disorder, the patterns you endured were real, and abuse is abuse. Seek support if you need it, and don't downplay what you've been through. It's excruciating, and you deserve peace and support.


Virtual Narcissistic Abuse Recovery Therapy in Chicago, Illinois


If you’re looking for support, you can learn more about my Narcissistic Abuse Recovery services in Chicago:







Two Lights Therapy Center PLLC | Chicago, Illinois.

Narcissistic Abuse Recovery Therapy & Narcissistic Personality Treatment


Please Note: The information provided in these blog posts is for informational and educational purposes only. It is not intended to be a substitute for professional therapy or therapeutic services. While licensed psychotherapists write these blogs, readers should not use this content as a replacement for individualized advice or treatment. If you are experiencing a crisis or need immediate assistance, please call 911 or contact other emergency services in your area. 

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