Narcissist or Avoidant? 3 Ways to Tell If You're Dealing with Narcissistic Traits, Fearful Avoidant Attachment, or a Dismissive Avoidant | Narcissistic Abuse Therapy, Chicago, IL

Was this person a narcissist, or were they a dismissive avoidant? Are they a narcissist, or are they a fearful avoidant with a disorganized attachment style? Did early attachment trauma play a role in our dysfunction, or are they “weaponizing” their early experiences to justify their abusive behaviors? Was my own attachment style getting in the way of me showing up securely, or was I just being manipulated into feeling like I was the problem? Was I reactive in an incongruent way, or was my reaction to what seemed like verbal and emotional abuse a reasonable response? Was their explosiveness a sign of early wounds being triggered, or are they just…a jerk? Are they doing this on purpose? Are they a narcissist?? Am I? Do I need therapy…or do they? What is going on?!

It’s natural to have a million questions swirling around in your skull when your relationship feels like a never-ending cycle of nonsense, exhaustion, drama, confusion, and pain. If these questions resonated with you, I invite you to reach out as my practice offers attachment-focused and narcissistic abuse therapy in Chicago. The reality is that narcissistic tendencies, fearful avoidant attachment styles, and dismissive avoidant attachment styles can all give rise to complex, traumatic, painful dynamics. And unfortunately, they often look similar on the surface.

Both narcissistic traits and the behaviors associated with insecure attachment styles can result from early relational trauma. In fact, it is rumored that narcissistic personality disorder (and other cluster A, B, & C personality disorders) may be replaced in the next DSM with some kinds of attachment-trauma-focused diagnoses (maybe just a rumor!). People are complex! What we do know, and what is important to remember, is that intent matters—as does emotional tolerance and capacity for accountability. Therapy is a great place to explore your unique situation, but in this blog, we will explore 3 ways you can begin untangling the truth on your own. 

Is It Narcissistic Abuse or Avoidant Attachment? Look at Why They Pulled Away...

Avoidance is often the "answer" for many people, not just narcissists. Avoidance can be seen as an adaptive trait and a way of staying safe in early life. That said, people with narcissistic traits often withdraw in a calculated fashion to punish, provoke, or regain control of the dynamic. While “the silent treatment” is disorienting, in the moment, we have to be honest with ourselves about the real reason it might be being used (btw it's unacceptable regardless). Excess entitlement, blame, anger, bad-mouthing, and gaslighting (paired with this creation of distance) typically indicate some level of narcissism. Keep in mind, people can have narcissistic traits/tendencies without being a narcissist or having narcissistic personality disorder. Narcissistic folk are often allergic to accountability, and it can feel like they don’t even want an argument to end/to find closure because the tension gives them a sense of power. Your pain is their power.

Dismissive avoidants, in contrast, often pull away because they feel very overwhelmed by your pain and their own. Emotional conversations and moments of intimacy can feel threatening, especially when they trigger unresolved shame, vulnerability, or feelings of defectiveness. When I say these moments “feel threatening”, I really mean it. Perceived conflict, genuinely and literally, FEELS threatening (to their nervous system). Their amygdala activation can be off the charts. This isn’t always logical, but it does not mean a dismissive avoidant person doesn’t genuinely feel afraid. I’ve heard my DA clients describe conflict as making them feel like they were going to “literally die”. Interesting, right? So all that said, dismissive avoidants often genuinely need more space to regulate, but that can certainly still leave us feeling abandoned. An excessive need for space does not typically foster the healthiest of relationships. DA's can work on distress tolerance in therapy to help with this.

Fearful avoidants are more complex. Because they crave closeness and being seen/heard (but also fear it), their withdrawal is often a protest behavior to offer you a taste of what they are feeling or have felt in the past (done unconsciously). Their withdrawals may seem dramatic or confusing, but they’re usually driven by panic, emotional flooding, or self-protection, not necessarily a need/drive for power. Fearful avoidants are some of the deepest feelers and fastest emotional processors, making their experiences with conflict very complex.

Narcissists and Avoidants Often Respond Differently to Your Pain. Is it Weaponized, Minimized, or Flat-Out Ignored?

When you’ve shared that something they said or did to you hurt you, how did they respond? Narcissistic individuals are more likely to gaslight, blame-shift, and deny your reality. You might hear things like, "You're being dramatic," “You’re too sensitive,” “You are always twisting things,” or “This is why no one wants to deal with you.” Their goal is typically to protect their own ego, certainly not to repair the relationship or make you feel seen.

Dismissive avoidants may also struggle to hold space for your pain—but it’s often not because they WANT to hurt you (but they absolutely still can). They might minimize your concerns or shut down, saying things like, “Can we not do this right now?,” “I didn’t mean it like that,” or “I don’t know what you want me to say.” It can feel invalidating and dismissive, but it’s usually not driven by cruelty. That said, it IS still driven by a need for control, and this is an important point to consider. It can be very challenging to build a relationship with someone who attempts to control you or the relationship by limiting moments of communication and connection to spare their solitude.

Fearful avoidants, on the other hand,  might respond with tears, defensiveness, or mixed messages. They may apologize one moment, then push you away the next, continuing to defend themselves. Their reactions are often confusing because they’re highly dysregulated in moments of conflict. They are often trying to manage their own spiraling emotions while also fearing they’ve messed up and pushed you away for good. This can be very overwhelming for all involved, including the FA.

Narcissistic Rage vs Fearful Avoidant Dysregulation: What’s the Difference?

This is a tricky one. When conflict escalates, narcissists may become cruel. They’re more likely to mock, insult, blame-shift, or hit below the belt—especially if their shame is triggered (easy to do) and they feel threatened. This is known as narcissistic rage, and it’s a defensive reaction to ego injury (narcissistic injury).

Dismissive avoidants, on the other hand, tend to shut down or disengage completely when conflict arises. They often avoid confrontation altogether or offer cold, rationalized responses. They may seem emotionally vacant, or they may actually vacate shared space (which can be exceptionally hurtful)—but it’s not typically intended as punishment.

Fearful avoidants are more prone to big displays of emotional expression. Shame, fear, guilt, and anger may trigger moments of impulsivity. They may say some seriously hurtful things, then spiral into guilt or dissociation. While usually highly reactive, they don’t intentionally aim to destroy your self-esteem and instead are just desperate to be seen, heard, and understood. You are much more likely to see accountability taken (in a genuine way) by an FA vs. a narcissistic individual. That said, being in a relationship with an FA with limited self-awareness can be very challenging. Once fearful avoidants understand their patterns and start to "do the work", they can be absolutely wonderful partners given their amazing ability to feel and understand things so deeply. The same cannot be said for narcissistic individuals, unfortunately.

Abuse Is Never Justified—Regardless of Any “Reason” You're Given

Whether someone is narcissistic, leans heavily fearful avoidant, or leans heavily dismissive avoidant, none of these challenges ever excuse abusive behavior. Understanding someone's attachment style or potential personality disorder can provide some clarity, but the knowledge should never be used to justify harmful behavior. You deserve relationships that feel safe, reciprocal, and respectful. If someone continually avoids you, yells at you, harms you, confuses you, or makes you feel like you’re “too much,” you’re allowed to walk away—even if they have trauma of their own.

If you’re unsure what you’re experiencing—or feel like you're constantly second-guessing yourself—we're here to help. 

Narcissistic Abuse Therapy, Chicago, IL

Learn about our narcissistic personality & narcissistic abuse recovery services at Two Lights Therapy Center PLLC: https://www.twolightstherapy.com/

Want to book a session with a therapist who specializes in narcissistic abuse therapy? Virtual Sessions for survivors can be scheduled by emailing: hello@twolightstherapy.com or by visiting: https://www.twolightstherapy.com/contact 

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Two Lights Therapy Center PLLC | Chicago, Illinois

Narcissistic Abuse Recovery Specialist & Licensed Psychotherapist

Please Note: The information provided in these blog posts is for informational and educational purposes only. It is not intended to be a substitute for professional therapy or therapeutic services. While these blogs are written by licensed psychotherapists, readers should not use this content as a replacement for individualized advice or treatment. If you are experiencing a crisis or need immediate assistance, please call 911 or contact other emergency services in your area.