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Narcissist or Antagonistic Dismissive Avoidant? A Chicago Narcissism Therapist Explains the Overlap

Updated: 3 days ago


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What Is an Antagonistic Dismissive Avoidant?


While “antagonistic dismissive avoidant” is not a diagnosis or commonly used clinical term, it is a crucial one to keep in mind, given that not all dismissive avoidants are created equal. Not every dismissive avoidant individual is outwardly aggressive; in fact, most are not! Many avoidants actually tend to appease or placate, not because they’re secure, but because they fear conflict or criticism. These individuals might seem calm, collected, and cooperative on the surface, even people-pleasing (while still experiencing the same dismissive avoidant fears of failure). But there's a more volatile “subtype” (if you will) to consider that’s often misunderstood: the antagonistic dismissive avoidant.


The way to think about antagonistic avoidants is to consider everything else you’ve learned about avoidants and then add more anger and spice. This type of avoidant doesn’t simply distance themselves or ask for space—they aggressively push you away. They become increasingly cold, cutting, judgmental, and even cruel as the relationship deepens and becomes more intimate. What starts as an uncomfortable distancing can evolve into outright antagonism. You may even start to feel as though you are being punished by the person (which, I think, is what makes many people consider the narcissism spectrum).


Their avoidant attachment alarm system sees your closeness as a threat to their emotional safety, independence/autonomy, livelihood, and even to their more general sense of control. For example, they may begin to believe your presence is interfering with their work, their travels, their hobbies, and their other relationships (even when you are not). They feel stuck, and they decide you are the problem. Even... "the bad guy".


Dismissive Avoidant vs Narcissist: What’s the Difference? Does it Matter?


From the outside, it can be incredibly hard to tell the difference between a narcissist and an antagonistic dismissive avoidant. Both may:


  • Devalue you over time, making you feel like the problem


  • Blame you for “ruining” the relationship or “complicating” things


  • React with disproportionate rage or contempt when “boundaries” are questioned


  • Shut down or explode when asked to communicate or connect emotionally


But the underlying drivers are different.


  • A narcissist seeks to control, coerce, and find superiority through antagonism in order to manage deep shame and internalized rage. Studies have found that abusers do recognize their actions as cruel and harmful on some level. Causing you pain makes narcissistic people feel more powerful and at ease, even when they know "in theory" that what they are doing is wrong.


  • An antagonistic dismissive avoidant lashes out because they feel engulfed, overstimulated, and overwhelmed by intimacy, even if they initiated the relationship or idealized you at first. They often don’t understand that what they are doing is truly cruel because they feel you should be able to “man up” or “just leave” just like they’ve had to do all their own life to survive. Their hostility develops as a response to a fear of losing themselves, not necessarily a need to dominate or cause pain.


Unfortunately, I may now confirm one of your worst suspicions:


With most types of antagonistic individuals, they do view your vulnerability as "weakness". By viewing you in this way, they can further justify their own behaviors. Their entire lives, they have been warned (literally and more subtly) of "weakness". When you (understandably) begin to struggle to maintain a secure attachment (GEE, I wonder why!), antagonistic dismissive avoidants use this as evidence of a "bad match".


Regardless of the “why”, antagonistic individuals (narcissists or antagonistic avoidants) are not what we’d call “safe people”. The proof is in the patterns. Whether they are a “narcissist” doesn’t really matter at the end of the day if the outcome and pain you endure are the same. As difficult as it is to walk away, it’s important to begin considering it. If you've been discarded, seek safe support as soon as possible. Trauma isn't just what happens during a relationship, but also what happens after.


The Cycle: Idealization → Resentment → Explosion → Discard


In the early stages, antagonistic dismissive avoidants might seem charming, grounded, or even like “the calm one.” Once the relationship becomes more intimate or expectations arise, they often start to resent you, not because you’ve done anything wrong, but because your presence threatens their carefully constructed emotional "boundaries" (BLOCKAGES). That wall is there for a reason! And they don't want you knocking it down (which is necessary for true intimacy).


That resentment festers. They may begin to criticize you, withdraw affection, or act passive-aggressively. Eventually, the tension turns to terror, ironically, in both you AND the avoidant as they feel deeply disturbed by conflict (yes, even when they’ve caused it). These individuals can erupt suddenly and cruelly, saying devastating things, accusing you of “ruining their life,” or framing you as the unstable one. This is often the moment of discard, and it is not followed by regret or repair.


They may give you the silent treatment, ghost, stonewall, or completely cut off contact, hoping that their final outburst was enough to push you away for good. These sudden discards are especially common after vacations, family events, weddings, birthdays, or even deaths. All of the aforementioned are typically emotionally charged, and these milestones mark progress that the avoidant does not want to witness.


Why Antagonistic Avoidants Are Often Misdiagnosed as Narcissists


Many survivors walk away from these relationships wondering, "Was I with a narcissist?" It's a valid question, especially when the behavior was so dehumanizing and makes you feel like you’re losing it. 


Here’s the nuance: not all inconsistent or emotionally harmful partners are narcissists. Some people are just jerks. Others are acting from a deeply wired fear response. That doesn’t excuse their behavior, but it helps you understand why it happened. It also shows you why trying to change them only seemed to make things worse, and it helps you understand that recognizing and labeling avoidance is not the quick fix you'd hoped for.


Healing After a Relationship with an Antagonistic Dismissive Avoidant


If you're recovering from a relationship like this, you’re not alone (and you're not “crazy”). These dynamics are emotionally destabilizing because the whiplash (from calm to cruel) truly violates your nervous system’s sense of safety and logic.

As a Chicago therapist who specializes in narcissistic abuse and complex attachment trauma, I help clients examine what happened and process trauma, without pathologizing or staying stuck in endless rumination.


Final Thoughts: Narcissist or Antagonistic Dismissive Avoidant? The Behavior Still Hurts


Whether your partner was narcissistic, avoidant, or somewhere in between, what matters most are the persistent patterns and how they made you feel. Abuse is abuse, even when it's subtle, or even when it's framed as “just needing more space & peace.” You deserve relationships that feel safe and where the effort is mutual.


Looking for a narcissistic abuse therapist in Chicago, Illinois?


I offer virtual therapy for survivors of narcissistic relationships, high-conflict breakups, and attachment trauma. Reach out through my website to learn more.


Therapy for Antagonistic Relationship Challenges: https://www.twolightstherapy.com/therapy-for-antagonistic-relationships





Two Lights Therapy Center PLLC | Chicago, Illinois.

Narcissistic Abuse Recovery & Complex Attachment Trauma Specialists


Please Note: The information provided in these blog posts is for informational and educational purposes only. It is not intended to be a substitute for professional therapy or therapeutic services. While licensed psychotherapists write these blogs, readers should not use this content as a replacement for individualized advice or treatment. If you are experiencing a crisis or need immediate assistance, please call 911 or contact other emergency services in your area. 


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