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What Creates a Narcissist and Can a Narcissist Change? A Trauma-Informed Narcissism Therapist Explains

Young child in blue shirt sits on wooden deck facing a fluffy teddy bear. The setting is outdoors with a blurred green background. Mood is calm.

Most people who have encountered narcissistic tendencies in the wild or within themselves end up very focused on the question: So, how does someone become a narcissist? It makes so much sense that people would wonder. Narcissism has some very unique features and manifests in ways that leave most with more questions than answers. In today’s world, the terms “narcissism” and “narcissist” get thrown around quite a bit, but most people don’t have a deeper understanding of their roots. This is a disservice to all of us, so let me help you explore these questions.


To be clear, this blog isn’t here to justify narcissistic behaviors or narcissistic abuse. My goal is to explain how narcissistic traits form so that you can make sense of the painful patterns you’ve witnessed, without feeling responsible for changing someone else. While much of my work centers around treating narcissism, trust me, I am painfully aware that most narcissistic patterns endure even after treatment. That said, some unique individuals find success in therapy (but you cannot do therapy for someone else)!



Narcissism Is Not Just a Personality Style, It’s a Trauma Response


Most narcissists are made, not born. Narcissistic traits don’t typically appear out of nowhere. While a person’s temperament can be identified relatively early in life, personality tends to more fully stabilize by our twenties. Our early experiences, during key developmental periods, shape how we relate to ourselves, to others, and to the world around us. Many narcissistic behaviors are actually post-traumatic presentations or survival strategies adapted for one’s own protection. 


Research indicates that narcissism is often linked to/associated with:


  • Early neglect, abuse, or inconsistent caregiving


  • Emotional attunement disruptions and attachment trauma


  • Being treated as an “ego-extension” of a parent


  • Conditional love and approval in childhood


  • Parents with poor emotional boundaries


  • Overindulgence of material needs by caregivers, but limited encouragement of emotional expression


Children in these environments often learn to suppress vulnerability, over-perform, or create an inflated self-image as protection. Over time, they may become adults who struggle with:


  • Emotional regulation


  • Sustaining close relationships


  • Handling disappointment


  • Tolerating criticism or shame



How Childhood Trauma Contributes to Narcissistic Traits


Narcissistic individuals often didn’t learn how to self-regulate. They were never taught to manage emotions like anger, shame, or sadness, and instead, were rewarded for “controlling” (avoiding/repressing) their emotions, achievement, or external validation seeking.


This can lead to:


  • A limited or underdeveloped inner world


  • Chronic emotional detachment


  • Grandiose defenses (like entitlement or superiority) as protection


  • Shame around emotion or even basic needs


Some were spoiled with things but starved of safety, and others were taught that love had to be earned through performance or by gaining relational power.



So, Why Doesn’t Everyone with Trauma Become a Narcissist?


This is the question. The answer may partially lie in the concept of human temperament and our biological wiring. Two children can experience the same trauma but develop entirely different adaptations or coping strategies. One may withdraw, people-please, and fawn, while the other becomes more arrogant, entitled, reactive, or grandiose in their defense systems. 


So while trauma increases the risk of narcissistic tendencies, narcissism is not a guaranteed outcome. It’s the product of both environment and temperament, combined with the brain’s attempt to survive chronic stress. So much is dependent on both the individual and the nature of the environment. 



Can A Narcissist Change?


Depending on who you ask, you will get different answers. Here is my answer: Change is possible, but rare, and it requires sustained hard work, considerable self-reflection, consistent therapy, and an ability to take accountability. The neural pathways involved in narcissistic defenses are deeply ingrained, and most attempts at rewiring fall flat. No amount of love or understanding can “fix” someone who isn’t truly willing to do their own work.


And that’s where many people get stuck. Understanding someone’s trauma doesn’t mean tolerating abuse, manipulation, or constant boundary violations. You can hold compassion for narcissistic folks without losing yourself.


That said, I take a unique approach to treating narcissistic behaviors and tendencies, and I have seen measurable success in a very particular kind of client. If a client has a deep desire to better understand themselves and the impact of the trauma they experienced, there is often some room for growth. Their genuine interest in psychoeducation and desire for better relational connectivity seems to be the recurring theme in my clients who can maintain a solid therapeutic relationship with me.



Understanding Narcissistic Personality Traits


To recap:


  • Narcissism often stems from childhood trauma, neglect during developmental periods, and attachment wounds/damaging attachment learnings


  • Temperament can, to some degree, explain why not everyone with trauma becomes narcissistic


  • Grandiose behavior is protective and driven by fear, not confidence


  • Narcissists often lack emotional regulation and struggle with closeness/sustaining healthy dynamics


  • Change is only possible through self-reflection and individual (often lifelong) therapy


  • Insight is not justification. Understanding the roots is not the same as excusing the behavior



Say it with me now: EXPLANATION—NOT AN EXCUSE. If you're in a relationship with someone exhibiting narcissistic traits, remember: you can’t love them into healing. If they are open to speaking with an expert, they are welcome to reach out to explore treatment options. 



Therapy for Narcissists and Survivors of Narcissistic Abuse in Chicago, IL


If you’re looking for a therapist who specializes in narcissism, learn more about my practice and my narcissism-focused services here:





 

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Two Lights Therapy Center PLLC | Chicago, Illinois.

Narcissistic Abuse Recovery Therapist & Narcissistic Personality Disorder Therapist


Please Note: The information provided in these blog posts is for informational and educational purposes only. It is not intended to be a substitute for professional therapy or therapeutic services. While licensed psychotherapists write these blogs, readers should not use this content as a replacement for individualized advice or treatment. If you are experiencing a crisis or need immediate assistance, please call 911 or contact other emergency services in your area. 

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