**Trigger Warning: Abuse Mentioned** Survivors of abuse often grapple with whether their abuser had a narcissistic personality style or was simply struggling with dismissive avoidant attachment tendencies (If you’re curious about attachment styles, stay tuned for future blogs where we’ll break them down in detail). Understanding these distinctions can be complex. Many (most) individuals with narcissistic traits also display dismissive avoidant behaviors, but not all dismissive avoidant individuals are narcissistic. Importantly, those unaware of their dismissive avoidant tendencies can still inflict emotional, mental, and verbal harm akin to a narcissist. To make matters more complicated, sometimes individuals with dismissive avoidant attachment styles have some more minor narcissistic traits themselves but do not "by definition" have a narcissistic personality. It’s all a spectrum.
Here are three key considerations if you’re seeking clarity on this issue. Remember, every person is different, and the following insights are simply based on typical, well-researched behavioral patterns.
1. Was Their Pull-Back a Form of Punishment?
Both dismissive avoidant individuals and those with narcissistic traits might resort to the “silent treatment” but their motivations differ. Someone with a narcissistic personality may intentionally withdraw—ignoring your calls or ghosting you—as a form of punishment. In contrast, someone with a dismissive avoidant attachment style may retreat to regulate their own nervous system.
While their actions can feel like a personal attack, they are often simply overwhelmed by their own feelings and may struggle to consider yours. Their (currently) limited emotional capacity and slower emotional processing time can prevent them from recognizing the impact of their behavior and bring about deactivating thoughts (i.e. "this relationship isn't working", "this person isn't right for me", "this person is always bringing drama into my life"). In contrast, narcissists may ghost or fake-discard you to exert emotional control, creating a “cat and mouse” dynamic that reflects a shift in the power balance. Empathy (or lack thereof) upon re-engagement can be a big clue here as well.
2. Consider the Timeline
Did distancing or discard-like behaviors emerge around the six-month mark? Many dismissive avoidant individuals (who are highly dopamine-driven), experience a shift when the initial excitement of a relationship fades. After the “honeymoon phase”, dopamine levels often stabilize. People with a dismissive avoidant attachment styles may unconsciously interpret this as a sign that the relationship is "not right" or “not working” for them. These deactivating thoughts bring about fear and shame since failing or disappointing others is a top fear for dismissive avoidant folks. While those with narcissistic personality styles will also experience dopamine-related changes, their timeline for devaluation, abuse, and discard is more variable and often influenced more by how much they feel they can gain from you (their source of narcissistic supply) at any given time.
3. How Dirty Did They Fight?
Dismissive avoidant individuals may become defensive when triggered (just like anyone else) but typically avoid escalating conflict or adding lots of fuel to the fire. Their fear of confrontation often leads them to flee when tensions rise, and their desire to avoid disappointing others can prevent them from engaging in impulsive, cruel, or taboo behaviors. In contrast, narcissistic individuals often “punch below the belt”, resorting to gaslighting, mocking, and exploiting your insecurities. While people with narcissistic personality styles typically do their best to maintain their image, they are more likely to be vindictive and may also welcome conflict as an opportunity to deny your reality and damage your self-esteem.
This list could be miles long, but we’ll pause here for today. If this is a question that’s been on your mind, feel free to reach out to schedule a session with one of our specialists.
Disclaimer: There is no justification for abuse, regardless of attachment style or personality disorder. If you need support, please reach out to us at hello@twolightstherapy.com. We’re here to help.
Two Lights Therapy Center | Chicago, Illinois.
Narcissism & Abuse Recovery Specialists
Disclaimer: The information provided in these blog posts is for informational and educational purposes only. It is not intended to be a substitute for professional therapy or therapeutic services. Readers should not use this content as a replacement for individualized advice or treatment. If you are experiencing a crisis or need immediate assistance, please call 911 or contact other emergency services in your area.