Narcissistic Abuse Survivors Think They’re Anxiously Attached. Many Are Actually Fearful Avoidants. | Chicago EMDR Therapist Explains

At Two Lights Therapy Center, we often find that narcissistic abuse survivors with “anxious preoccupied attachment” are unaware that there’s a secret third option when it comes to insecure attachment styles: fearful avoidant attachment (also called disorganized attachment). Overlooking disorganized attachment can leave patients with a lot of unanswered questions. Read on to learn more about fearful avoidant attachment wounds and how working with our Chicago EMDR therapist can help.

Attachment Styles and Narcissistic Abuse

If you've looked into attachment theory whilst trying to understand the grip the narcissistic person in your life has on you, you may identify with an anxious attachment style. You crave closeness, feel consumed by fears of abandonment, and can't stop ruminating about your partner and relationship. It sounds like a perfect fit. Right?

But did you know there’s an attachment style that is both anxious and avoidant (hesitant/fearful)? For many traumatized people who’ve been in narcissistic relationships, anxious attachment is only part of a much more complex picture. What’s actually driving their patterns is something more complicated: fearful avoidant attachment. As a narcissistic abuse therapy practice in Chicago, this is one of the most common misidentifications we see in survivors seeking help, and it is very important to address. 

Anxious vs. Fearful Avoidant: What’s the Difference?

Anxious attachment typically develops when caregivers are inconsistent in their emotional attunement practices. Sometimes, the guardian figure was fun, warm, and kind…but other times, more distant...or even scary. The child learns to work hard to get their needs met, and the adult version of that child becomes hypervigilant in relationships, scanning constantly for signs of rejection or abandonment.

Fearful avoidant attachment lives in the larger grey area between the black and white of purely anxious or purely avoidant attachment. It typically develops in environments where the caregiver was not just inconsistent, but frightening, or where the child experienced early trauma or abuse/neglect (and remember, emotional/verbal abuse can be just as impactful). The result is often a painful and paradoxical internal contradiction: I desperately want the love that I so deeply fear.

On the surface, this can look like anxiety, though it often manifests as something a bit “spicier”. The fear of losing the relationship is real and intense, and individuals with disorganized attachment aren’t usually quite as afraid of confrontation (anxious preoccupied folks tend to avoid confrontation). Despite their ability to quickly process, argue their case, and communicate, underneath that anxiety is something that “pure anxious attachment” doesn’t have: an equally powerful pull toward a flight trauma response.

Why Narcissistic Relationships Feel Familiar

If you have a fearful avoidant attachment style, a narcissistic partner can feel strangely like…home? Early caregivers who were sometimes frightening or chronically dysregulated (and sometimes reasonable) create an emotional learning within their children: love is unpredictable.  A narcissistic partner, sometimes charismatic and sometimes cruel, with their cycles of idealization and devaluation, reactivate that exact template. Our nervous systems recognize that familiar pattern and, in a distorted way, feel at ease within it. Chaos reads as love and intensity. Inconsistency reads as a complex passion. Walking on eggshells just feels like a regular part of close relationships.

The Compounding Effect: Complex Trauma on Complex Trauma

For fearful avoidant individuals, a narcissistic relationship both creates new wounds and compounds existing ones. The present-day harm lands on top of early childhood experiences that were never fully processed in the body. Healing can feel so impossible and disorienting because you’re not just recovering from one relationship...you’re recovering from two different timelines at once.

This is also why simply understanding your attachment style intellectually often isn’t enough. Insight is valuable, but trauma lives in the body and the nervous system, not just the mind. Many of the Chicago-area survivors we work with have read every book, watched every YouTube video, and still feel stuck at first, because “the work” hasn’t happened somatically. 

How EMDR Therapy For Narcissistic Abuse Addresses Both Layers

EMDR therapy for narcissistic abuse is one of the most effective approaches, precisely because it works at the level where the trauma is stored. Despite popular belief, cognitive approaches absolutely play a large role in narcissistic abuse recovery, but somatic therapies must be included as well for thorough healing. Yes, we work well with intellectualizers. :) 

In EMDR, we reprocess the early memories and the somatic experiences that manifested into unhealthy learnings. Together, we look at the early attachment wounds that taught the nervous system that love is unsafe, revisiting them gently, not to re-traumatize, but to allow the brain to integrate them with the perspective and resources of an adult.

At the same time, the more recent complex trauma from the narcissistic relationship can also be processed. New, more adaptive beliefs about self-worth and safety are installed. These help the nervous system update its understanding and finally find some peace. The goal isn’t to change the past. EMDR just keeps it from running the show indefinitely.

Working with a Chicago EMDR Therapist Who Specializes in Narcissistic Abuse

If this resonates, do not hesitate to reach out. At Two Lights Therapy Center in Chicago, Erika Koch-Weser, LCSW, NATC specializes in narcissistic abuse recovery and attachment trauma. Somatic and Attachment-Focused EMDR is one of the core tools she uses to help clients heal. Two Lights Therapy Center also offers online therapy across Illinois for those outside the Chicago area.

Ready to explore this further?: Contact Us

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Two Lights Therapy Center PLLC | Chicago Narcissistic Abuse Therapist

and EMDR Therapy for Fearful Avoidant Attachment

Please Note: The information provided in these blog posts is for informational and educational purposes only. It is not intended to be a substitute for professional therapy or therapeutic services. While licensed psychotherapists write these blogs, readers should not use this content as a replacement for individualized advice or treatment. If you are experiencing a crisis or need immediate assistance, please call 911 or contact other emergency services in your area. 

Two Lights Therapy Center is a private pay practice in Chicago, Illinois, specializing in narcissistic abuse recovery, EMDR, and attachment trauma. Virtual sessions available throughout IL.